I've lost my friend to a narcissist

[Thingumabob]

A good friend, one of the very few I have, has started a relationship with a narcissist. There's no doubt in my mind whatsoever that he's a narcissist; he has all the traits: arrogance & utter self-centredness he imagines he conceals behind a facade of likeability and bonhomie that I find sickening. He's helping her in her career, and is also working to separate her from her friends - at least, those who don't buy his BS.

I'm dumbfounded because my friend is the last person I'd ever imagine falling for a narcissist. She's smart, funny, warm - and so emotionally intelligent; 3 months ago I'd have laughed at anyone who suggested she might give this guy the time of day. But he's clearly found a vulnerability, as narcissists do.

My problem is, what do I do? Half of me wants to run 10 miles from all this, but I can't as we all work for the same company. And half of me wants to rescue her, but I can't because she's drunk too much Kool-Aid. I tell her straight he's a narcissist. We've both known him for years, and identified him as a complete asshole, but now she tells me I don't understand him. I've lost my friend, haven't I?

There are different types of narcissist personalities and if he can get something out of supporting your friend’s career (kudos, adoration, praise, dependence, money) he could well be one of them.

I think you can just really be there for her when she begins to work out what is really going on with him. Narcs can fool their victims for a very long time before they begin to figure it out. That’s when they need true friends.

Sorry OP but it doesn’t sound like your friend is a close friend from the way you describe it. The pair of you seem to be work colleagues who get on - you don’t socialise out of work and she only got in touch once when you were off sick for 3 months. I think you see this friendship differently to how she sees it. He hasn’t separated her from her friends, as you are work colleagues. You have made your dislike of him very obvious and that isn’t going to go down well with her. Maybe she did use to think he was an arse but maybe she now sees him in a different light which could be for many reasons. Perhaps she got to know him a bit better and realised there was more to him than you and she both first thought.
I think your upset comes from a sense of vulnerability as you feel you and your colleague aren’t close any more - You state in your OP that you only have a few friends - and so you are taking your feelings out on him, rather than being pleased for your friend. Maybe work on your other friendships and make some more friends and you might feel differently about all this.

Unfortunately the only thing you can do is stand back and watch it burn and be there for her if/when she realises, if he's not managed to turn her against you in the meantime. I have been in this situation and the man resorted to such outrageous tactics to seperate her from me and another couple of friends, it was phenomenal. Unfortunately he did succeed, his lies worked and I couldn't get to her in order to set her straight, she wouldn't have believed us anyway by that point.

I did see her years down the line and she did have some understanding of what had been going on, but I doubt she would ever have known the full picture. Let it go, a light touch is all you can do, this is her path.

Years ago, there was a man at work that my best friend didn't like. His role required him to give her feedback on hers and she found him arrogant, patronising and full of himself. I thought he sounded awful. Then I met him and found him to be the opposite. Yes, he was loud at times, perhaps even cocky, but it was clearly masking social nerves and as I got to know him I realised he was kind, considerate and really funny. We fell in love. My friend was appalled. She did everything she could to split us up, including attacking him to my face and diminishing my choice to be with him, which is what you're doing now OP. It backfired. I ended up cutting her off, while he and I have been happily together for 20 years.

So my advice is, stop slagging him off to her face if you want to keep the friendship. She's clearly seeing a side of him you can't see and you sound pathetically jealous that she's happy. He also doesn't sound like a narcissist at all. Just not your cup of tea.

In fact, isn't it a bit narcissistic of YOU to make her relationship all about YOUR feelings?

I'd agree with the fact there's no mileage in badmouthing him to her now, that won't get you anywhere and will just back up his efforts to seperate her from her friends.

Funny that other posters are sure that what you can see happening isn't the case, there are countless women on here posting that they're in horrible relationships with absolute arseholes and they've lost all their friends.... could it not be possible that OP is one of those friends?

I think we get it. You don't like him.

The more you say this the more likely it is that she is distancing herself from you by her own choosing rather than him forcing her to.

@CherryGarcia23
I don't think narcissism works so simply. They are often helpful, often outwardly charming. The point is, they do it only to garner admiration, and they need it renewed frequently because they use it to combat their strong feelings of worthlessness. It’s called narcissistic supply. Everything’s fine as long as you go along with them. Once disagreements start, things can get nasty. But if you try to leave, you’ll get ‘love bombed’ in an effort to win you back. If you don’t fall for it (again) you get rejected.

@TotallyForgettableForNow
It may be, as others have said, that he’s not technically a narcissist - I’m no psychologist - but omg does he have some of the traits. Yes, my friend now has a bf she previously strongly disliked, whereas I still strongly dislike him. I can’t bear to hear her sing his praises, and tell me that the lies he’s told her & others about me aren’t really lies, I’m just seeing it wrong. In other words, she’s started to try to gaslight me, something I never believed could happen. He’s nice to her in public, fulsomely so. But he’s still the same arrogant guy to others, including me.

What sort of lies is he telling about you? As you are all in the same company (and you don't really have anything to do with your friend outside that work context) it would seem important.

@Uricon2 Lies to do with work projects, my part in them, what I said & did, or didn't. Lies that make him look good & me look bad. He'll do what he has to to make himself look good. He told them in front of my boss at a meeting, I was so angry. I told him he was lying, and left before I said anything more.

I can defend myself, and do. It's my friend trying to get me to 'see it from his point of view' that's so awful. A lie is a lie; I'm not going to meditate on it until it's not a lie any more.

@GoldDuster @Spirallingdownwards
Agree & thank you. I'm quite simply on a losing wicket here, at least until this relationship breaks down. And if it doesn't, I'm not expecting a wedding invitation.

Then that is bad and I'd concentrate on making sure the people who matter at work are aware of this issue (in a calm, factual and recorded fashion) and keep your friend well at arms length for now. If she is aware things are lies and is trying to excuse them, however besotted by luuuuurve she is, she is not your friend. I'd not bother arguing with her, because you won't win and protecting your career is what matters.

@Thingumabob

you were off three months for serious mental health issues and were very hurt that no one from work contacted you.

And you say this workmate is a very close friend?

but our relationship takes place almost entirely in the context of our shared workplace. We don't live close to each other.

so let me get this straight.

Your conclusions about their relationship is entirely based on what you see whilst at work.

Never ever out of work
you don’t even message or call outside of work ever

OK OP

well given you say your friendship with this woman is 100% within the work context and you never see each other outside of work and have zero contact out of work…. I would have been surprised if you had been invited anyway

* I told him he was lying, and left before I said anything more.*

you flounced out of a meeting because a colleague stated something about you that you could prove was factually incorrect?

indeed

when this “friendship” is basically work colleague who get on but not enough to have ever socialised outside work.

And when the Op was off sick for 3 months… apparently she received ONE message the entire time

I'd just say to her 'Love, you know I've got your back, I've had it all these years and you've had mine and I hope it'll always be that way. So I am telling you, this man is a bad person through and through. But I understand that you aren't prepared to see that yet. So how about we just leave discussing him out of our friendship. I don't want him to come between us...(i wonder if he can an say the same regarding your friends btw?) When you see what he is I'll be here for you though, know that. In the mean time how about we just forget about this and go catch that movie you wanted to see/get our nails done/go do some shopping. I also want you to promise me you'll read up on how to spot narcissistic abuse by the way though, can you promise me you'll do that? Just think of me as being a worry-wart but humour me'.

@Pinkbonbon In the mean time how about we just forget about this and go catch that movie you wanted to see/get our nails done/go do some shopping.

the op and this friend have a relationship entirely within the workplace according to the Op and they never see each other outside and indeed never msg / call each other outside of the workplace

@Pinkbonbon Thank you, that's not far from what I have said. Until now I'd always have said she was much better at spotting the wrong 'uns than me - and we both did. Neither of us had any time for him.

@plumberdrain You've gone a bit far. Yes, our relationship is almost entirely based around work, the pub after work, and work-based social events. We messaged each other a lot outside work times. When I was off work for a long period, I got messages from her and other friends & colleagues, but only one actual call, from a colleague. We've worked there a long time, so colleagues sometimes blur into friends. But what's your point? She can't really be a close friend if she's never been to my house? Oh wait, selectively quote me and tell me I'M the narcissist. Well done.

you said in the entire 3 months of sick leave you got ONE call and was hurt by it

what is my point with referring to fact that you said your friendship was entirely within the workplace environment - was that presumably you never ever actually witness this man and the relationship outside of work.

yesterday you said how hurt you were by lack of contact from any colleagues aside from one phone call 😐

Ok @plumberdrain here's the actual para from a thread titled Do you have any long term friends? :

'The realities remain, nonetheless: I had 3 months off work with mental health last year; I didn't call it a nervous breakdown, I said 'massive sense of humour failure' but it amounted to the same thing. All my work colleagues knew, and the very few people I count as old friends. Only one colleague rang me once.'

Rang. Called. Spoke with their human voice, y'know, that can be uniquely reassuring? I'm old school, I rate a personal phone call way higher than a text message.

This was in the context of a discussion about how difficult it is to make or keep good friends, an issue I'm having direct experience of right now, hence this thread.

If all you want to do is find fault, feel free to spend your time on other threads.

shame. this very close friend didn’t call. 3 months is a long time

You said your friendship was entirely within the context of work

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