I've got myself into a mess

[WhatthehellamIgoingtodonow]

Just that really! On/off relationship with affair partner (off when he can't be bothered to contact me). I'm married, he is divorced. I love him to bits, him not so. No gifts ever, not even a Xmas gift! Blows hot and cold. I cling to my phone waiting for the next text - the battery is flat by the end of the work day because I keep checking it. Constantly trying for the validation of what it was like in the first place, funny texts etc (usual format). Marriage over, children grown up and I am alone. Tried counselling but I even lied to the counsellor. I know it serves me right and I deserve a flaming but I just dont know what to do.

Stop seeing him.

Sort out the rest of your life.

What practical help do you need to get yourself sorted?

If your marriage is over, why don't you get divorced before you continue chasing your lover?

@quisensoucie - no point chasing him, its obvious he doesn't care about me..
@PaminaMozart - I dont really need practical help. Just a kick up the ass to see how stupid I am to think he wants me.

First of all, I think you need to get a divorce. Secondly, I think you need to end it with your affair partner. He's not going to give you what you want or need. Lastly, I think you need to be single for a while. Learn to be happy alone. If it's an option, get some therapy. Ask yourself what's missing in your life that you feel so deeply in need of validation from this man? Learn to feel whole, happy, and complete by yourself before jumping back into the dating pool as a single woman.

@WhatthehellamIgoingtodonow on what basis did the relationship start? Were you still with your husband? How did this affair partner view the ‘relationship’? Ultimately if you were married when you started this relationship then I don’t think you can ask for commitment from him.

It’s probably not him you want, it’s just a whole load of loneliness that has compounded and you’re relying on this one relationship to fix ‘it’. When it’s down to you to ‘fix’ it. Don’t lie to your therapist. Start building a world for yourself where you don’t need others to validate you. Good luck.

Block him. Stop behaving like a smitten schoolgirl, and get some self respect. Get a divorce. You clearly shouldn't be married.

@brainworms - I shouldn't be. You are right. I'm a pathetic woman chasing someone who doesn't care..

Go about getting a divorce. Stop seeing the affair partner, block his number, he's just using you for sex and you will never get anything else from him.
Spend sometime on your own, be single for a while! Learn how to not be reliant on someone else for happiness

Rather than feeling sorry for yourself, get some backbone and confidence. Sort out your divorce then get yourself out there having fun and meeting someone who actually deserves you.

I think you need to find something else to occupy your time so you're breaking the habit of waiting for him as that's what it is. Just waiting.

You also need to do something about your lack of self worth as you don't seem to value yourself very much.

Clear the decks of dross. Block your non interested lover and sort out a divorce.
Get yourself out more.
New year new life!
Come on woman, you can do it.

I think the shock of not even receiving a Xmas gift was the nail in the coffin. I dont mind the future being on my own - serves me right.

Your AP is a waste of your time and energy. Get rid. Your life will be better.
Your DH deserves better. Be honest and divorce him. Your life will be better.
Go to another therapist. Don't lie and work through your issues. Your life will be better.
Start working on your self esteem, by being on your own, doing things for yourself and coming to the realisation that in time you deserve happiness with someone who you love and who loves you back. Your life will be better.

@MustBeNapTime - I never thought how soul destroying it is chasing someone who really can't be bothered. I suppose I ignored the warning signs because I just wanted to feel special.

What you want from your affair partner he won’t ever be able to give you (self love, validation, confidence, self assurance). Definitely get some therapy

I always find it really embarrassing when grown women act like school girls. Get a life, have you seriously got nothing else to do. How have you got this much spare time to obsess over another person.

How did you meet your affair partner? Sadly as he knows you're married he probably never saw you as anything other than a booty call, which is why he probably only contacts you when he's feeling horny. I know all too well how lonely you can feel in a failing marriage. As others have said you'd be better off getting a divorce so that both you and your husband have a chance of being happy again. Get some therapy and learn to be on your own, your affair partner won't be part of your future but maybe someone else will if you learn to love and respect yourself again.

Imagine how your husband will feel.

@Stuckandunhappy - We knew each other from the past and met again accidentally. There is so much about him that I know wouldn't work if we were together.

I think you're getting treated exactly as you deserve OP :)

@tomatoontoast - thank you. I needed to hear that.

OP, I don’t think you’re in such a mess. It’s very clear what you should do: block the affair guy (go cold turkey) and begin the process of separating from your husband. It will be painful. But this time next year you will be free.

Just consider if you were single and posted about this affair partner as a potential long term thing, imagine what the replies would be. Is he one of those charming, charismatic types that draw you in and then- once you're hooked- become indifferent?

People would probably be advising you against him as a partner, wouldn't they? And I'd try and think about it in those terms. I like someone like this myself and I know it's very addicting but at the same time it's like an almost destructive force, isn't it? Like a drug that gives a moment of happiness but ultimately wrecks your body 😟

@madeinmanc - good point. No happiness at all anymore, just anxiety.

Hi OP, have a look at resources on limerance and overcoming it. It might help you understand your reactions and to break free of the obsession with affair partner, who isn’t worth your time. Is your marriage really over? Is that a mutual decision? Think before you take any drastic steps