I've got myself into a mess

[WhatthehellamIgoingtodonow]

Just that really! On/off relationship with affair partner (off when he can't be bothered to contact me). I'm married, he is divorced. I love him to bits, him not so. No gifts ever, not even a Xmas gift! Blows hot and cold. I cling to my phone waiting for the next text - the battery is flat by the end of the work day because I keep checking it. Constantly trying for the validation of what it was like in the first place, funny texts etc (usual format). Marriage over, children grown up and I am alone. Tried counselling but I even lied to the counsellor. I know it serves me right and I deserve a flaming but I just dont know what to do.

@MaidOfSteel - I would tell a friend that he is a complete bell-end.

I think Women Who Love Too Much would be a useful read for you. Don't be put off by the cheesy title. It's a classic for a reason.

Listen to yourself. Trust your own instincts and judgment. Let that ne a first step to building your own self worth. Because you are worth more. And you can make a better life for yourself.

Would you look at yourself? With all due respect you are having a pity party and seem desperate

Why would he want to date you? You have possibly had some sort of midlife crisis and pinned your hopes on some sort of man that is mostly based on fantasy because you truly don’t know what a normal relationship with him would be like!

You have thrown your marriage away because you thought the grass was greener and never understood that the grass is greener where you water it!!!!!

Block this man and grow up ASAP

Oh and try to minimise the hurt and disruption to your own husband who has been a by product of your selfish behaviour

I think because you are unhappy in your marriage you are clinging on to this relationship. Split with your husband and start a new life by yourself and you will stop thinking about this man. Plenty of good men out there.

In all seriousness, I think you need to speak to him.

@ForTonightGodisaDJ - to say?

Have some self respect and stop chasing dreams thst have no basis in reality.

@Gettingbysomehow

well said!

I mean honestly op you sound like a teenager with no wisdom at all

@WhatthehellamIgoingtodonow

certainly don’t contact him! He’s not interested in you and it will only hurt you further

Call him out on his confusing behaviour. It's hard to say without knowing the details. But the next time you see him, ask him why he acted in a certain way that you deem "cold". The fact that you're married probably isn't helping!

Nah, what kind of honest/helpful answer would anyone get from doing that. His behaviour has said it all - engaging in a conversation just drags things out and gives opportunities for OP to hold out hope and be gaslit.

Absolutely spot-on.

As others have said, affair partner is no good, cut contact. Really explore both yourself and with your husband if you want to save your marriage. You can have solo sessions with counsellor not just joint ones to help you work through your feelings. Servalan’s earlier post is very sensible.

Is your DH open to counselling and/or repairing the marriage? Are you open to counselling and/or repairing the marriage? I think it's very easy in a very long marriage to essentially get very bored and think the grass is greener or there should be "more" not realising that with actual work on the current relationship there can be "more" and certainly a "refreshing change". Either way - block the affair bloke - he's a knob and is using you! Once he's blocked decide what you actually want - your current DH or to be single and potentially (and remember it's only potentially) meet someone better than him.

You know that you deserve better than this. Stop all contact and get on with your life. Spend time with people who do actually care about you and look forward to meeting someone who's not going to muck you about.

Sending hugs hope it gets better.

My God woman, are we supposed to feel sorry for you? All of your replies are filled with self pity & poor me. Get divorced, stop chasing a man who doesn't want you & start making better life choices

The grass will be greener, just not with this other man.

The current situation with the AP is miserable and the marriage is miserable otherwise you wouldn’t have had the affair. Get rid of both and figure out who you are on your own. Build your confidence and mental strength up and live your life without either of them.

It sounds like the affair partner just isn’t interested but if he really was meant for you he will come back into your life in the future but ONLY if you completely let it go, work on yourself and allow him to see your value. The way you’re acting will be a big factor in why he’s gone off you. Sorry to be blunt but being desperate, sad, needy and having such a low opinion of yourself will be totally unattractive. If you do the work on yourself either a second chance will come around or someone much better will come along.

Think of it this way. You’re in the supermarket and need broccoli and there’s only two left on the shelf. One is small, wilted, a weird yellow colour and has clearly gone bad. The other is big, fresh and green. Which would you choose? If there was only the sad, yellow one left you wouldn’t think ‘oh well, guess I’ll buy this one that’s gone bad’ and eat it anyway. You’d either choose a different vegetable or go somewhere else to get a decent one.

No one wants gone off broccoli and the supermarket shouldn’t be happy or proud to offer gone off broccoli.

Be proud of yourself and what you’re offering then people will want it. It’s not necessarily simple to get to that point and requires some work but you need to be the change you want to see. Ultimately you should do it for yourself and be happy to stay single but if the only way to motivate yourself is to do the work to attract someone then use that motivation to start. Men and relationships come and go but the only constant for your entire existence is yourself. Love that person like your life depends on it because it does.

He is a dick. You are being pathetic.
He will probably always be a dick.
You can grow. Do it now.

Ditch the lover, speak to your husband, and get a divorce. Then get yourself on dating sites. I found my partner there, after meeting up with 3 or four people, two of which turned into short relationships. I had fun while dating and now I'm very happy with my OH, six years in.

You are not happy now. So put yourself in a position with potential: divorce and open yourself up to finding someone new if that's what you're after. But, generally, even just divorcing and spending time by yourself will be better than where you are now. Good luck, OP :-)

Why would he give you a gift at Christmas? Your having an affair for God's sake....wouldn't that bottle of perfume or item of jewellery attract suspicion from your poor husband. Your affair partner doesn't really care about you your a leg over for him. Seeking some sort of validation from him at Christmas is pretty sad to be honest. It's never going to end well if you carry on with this. Bring your marriage to an end, get rid of lover boy and make a new life for yourself. The one your livings run it's course.

Definately do not get on dating sites just yet OP

I think you need to work on yourself first. Your having a dark time now but there will be a point in the future you look back on this and think what the hell was I thinking, it will all be a mere memory

Also stop feeling sorry for yourself when clearly your husband is the victim. It will all work out you just have to be brave and chin up

I also think now is not the time for dating sites - though maybe in the future - right now, being resourceful enough to be enough for yourself is the best way to build your confidence and self esteem and to not settle for a mediocre relationship in future when you are ready to date again

Sorry op if this sounds cruel he is using you for sex and it is cheaper for him to use you rather than paying for it. You need to block him, end your marriage and seek some proper support via counselling where you are honest.