I've got myself into a mess

[WhatthehellamIgoingtodonow]

Just that really! On/off relationship with affair partner (off when he can't be bothered to contact me). I'm married, he is divorced. I love him to bits, him not so. No gifts ever, not even a Xmas gift! Blows hot and cold. I cling to my phone waiting for the next text - the battery is flat by the end of the work day because I keep checking it. Constantly trying for the validation of what it was like in the first place, funny texts etc (usual format). Marriage over, children grown up and I am alone. Tried counselling but I even lied to the counsellor. I know it serves me right and I deserve a flaming but I just dont know what to do.

I would go back to the counsellor and tell the truth.
Perhaps the counsellor really can help you.

OP, what I’m getting here is that you’re carrying a whole lot of shame. You seem desperate for us to berate you here, and you are lying to your counsellor so they can’t work with you properly.

You’re also punishing yourself by trying to squeeze something resembling a proper relationship from a person who is clearly using you and doesn’t hold you in much regard.

OK - having an affair is not great, but there is a difference between taking personal responsibility, learning from it, making healthier decisions moving forward and wallowing in the guilt and shame. Eventually the wallowing and the self loathing/self pity start to feel almost comfy and you can hide in it to avoid doing anything about the situation.

Why are you lying to your counsellor? Is it shame or is it embarrassment or something else? How can you progress if you can’t look at the situation with honesty?

You’ve fucked up - but we all fuck up. Own it, learn from it and work on finding a path forward where you treat yourself and your marriage better (treating your marriage better can also include putting it out of its misery, btw)

Honestly wishing you all the luck - but you do need to put the work in

All female attraction and feelings of love aren't so-called "limerance", I don't believe in it as a concept and I think it's a way of denying the validity of women's sexuality, sexual feelings and romantic feelings outside of marriage.

Stop wasting your life!

And yes to this.

@Servalan "You’re also punishing yourself by trying to squeeze something resembling a proper relationship from a person who is clearly using you and doesn’t hold you in much regard." - This is exactly what I am trying to do.

Poor you, my heart bleeds

Well, then stop it. Enough of the sackcloth and ashes. It’s not helping anyone

We all make mistakes. Put your energy into making a better life. Do things that help to build you a more positive opinion of yourself.

Were you leaning on him in order to leave your marriage?

Being alone isn’t a punishment to ‘serve you right’, being alone is a liberation from something that drags you down, sucks your joy and robs your confidence. If that is your marriage, embrace being alone! Being alone is the best state in which to build yourself up and know what you can be and what you want.

Free yourself from your marriage, free yourself from leaning in a rickety prop (your affair).

And stop beating yourself up.

Distraction. Fill your diary with get togethers with friends. New year, new hobby. Duo Lingo. Go to the gym or pool (physical exercise is great for your mood).

Stop beating yourself up / wallowing in self pity. It’s a vicious circle.

Being on your own would not be a punishment. It is freedom and flexibility, a fresh start. Where is your DH in all this? Does he know about your lover?

Tell us about your husband. Do you still love him or did you fall out of love when you met affair partner? Does he have any inkling about this?

You absolutely do need to get a grip he's a Cockender !! You know it. You also need to stop the pity party before you become a landing strip for emotional unavailable fuck around men. Eliminate men. Actually discover who YOU ARE grow that person love that person if you dint love yourself you absolutely are not worthy of someone else love

As long as you are expecting a a call or text from him you will experience anxiety.

1. Block him completely from all platforms
2. Accept you made a mistake
3. Get yourself some counselling so you are happy with your own company and don’t get involved with anyone else for now.

4.Get things moving for your divorce 5 Be free and enjoy life, including dating if you want to.

@Namechange666 - my husband knows because I told him. I do love him but I thought the grass was greener. We have agreed to separate.

Thank goodness for that.

Some posters are being unnecessary horrible to you op

You know you need to change things, which I'm sure is why you've posted here. It's obvious you are feeling a lot of shame and self loathing.

Take the advice of helpful pp on here.

Block AP - it's a habit now that needs to be broken. He will never do you any good.

Move on with the separation.

Build your self esteem, find things you like doing, keep busy so you're not wallowing (hard I know)

And give yourself a bit of credit that you've seen the light now and take that positive to move on.

OP
@booktokbear 's post is a very well-balanced, helpful post. I was going to write similar but she has written it much better than I could. Follow her advice.

Never ever chase someone. It will just end in your distress over and over and over again.

You can't make someone care about you. And your AP just doesn't care about you. I'm really sorry because it's painful I've also been ghosted and it hurts a lot.

Block him. That way you stop checking for messages. Liberating. I mean if he messaged you, would you drop everything and do what he says? And despise yourself for it too no doubt. You've put him on a pedestal because he's made himself unavailable. Nobody is that great. Really.

Divorce your husband. Civilly hopefully.

And then find out why you're prepared to accept mere crumbs from men. Why this is good enough for you. Until you find out why, it will happen again and again.

Good luck. Hope you find a better place.

Obviously ignoring the husband question. but speaking to your current obsession

Look at his behaviour. ( the boyfriend) You know he’s just not bothered enough about you, and as the previous posters have said, you need to break away from that heartbreak.

Before trying to sort out everything else.
Your marriage might recover.
You never know

Start blocking the new guy, who sounds like a fool

It is so difficult and painful accepting these men don't care 😔 They turn up again months later and make you feel like the sun is shining on you, even just for a fleeting moment. They have women falling after them whenever they want and they would never stop even if you were in an official relationship with them, you'd always be looking at them checking their phone and wondering, doubting. Oh dear, I'm bringing too much of my own situation into this. But ask me how I know.

So any people are in your situation. The marriage has fizzled out (or was never there) but they hang on in there through fear of change.
The only thing to do is to leave, divorce, start a new life. You are older and wiser now so can make better decisions. We all change as we get older and you only get one life. You can have a happy life with a good partner .... but will have a year of pain and doubt first. Good luck

The only person who can give you the validation you're looking for is you. Please start building up your self-esteem. And have some respect for yourself by getting rid of this affair partner. Think about what you'd think & say if a friend was to tell you she was in this situation.

You’ve agreed to separate, but is it really what you both want? Have you fully explored options? You don’t sound happy about separation but not clear reading your posts if it’s because you think you’ve made a mistake, or because you are scared of being on your own.

@Ruralretreating - probably a bit of both. My husband did nothing wrong. I have changed so much and got blown away into thinking someone wanted me more. He didn't - just a player.