Partner says he doesn’t believe in marraige

[Mumof42021]

I just wanted some views on this. So I have been with my partner for over 4 years. We have a child, recently bought a house and are very happy. I have always thought our next step would be marraige. It’s come up in conversation before as something we’d probably do at some point but was in no rush and wasn’t a big deal. But I recently mentioned it again just as our life is now stress free, we’re settled in our new home and our daughter has turned 2 so life’s a bit easier now days. I was really shocked when I said he doesn’t really believe in marraige. He doesn’t see the point in someone telling us how we feel about one another, how we need to declare our relationship to the government and with divorce rates so high he didn’t see the point. He said he loves me, he’s fully committed so didn’t need paper or anyone else to tell him how he feels. I said it would mean a lot to me. So I suggested that just me and him went to a registry office, made it official without the glam or a proper wedding. He said if I wanted to he would do that but said not cos he wanted to or cos it would make him happy or mean anything. It’s just for me. Now although he’s compromised I suppose his words have completely ruined the idea for me. I feel like I’m forcing him. So now I’m stuck. Do I go and make it official knowing he doesn’t want to or do I try and get over my real want for marraige. The idea of never becoming his wife breaks my heart, almost like I’m not good enough. I really don’t know what to do

Has he got a good pension? Are you a stay at home mum? If so not getting married means you cannot touch his pension (and savings in his name etc) if you get divorced, so maybe that is why he doesn’t want to get married! Some people are selfish like that.

I would 100% take him at his word and go to a registry office together. Absolutely no question.

I feel for you. But I would carry on and go ahead with a small registry office wedding.

He doesn't want to share. Circumstances have changed now.

Be does have a point, I agree, but it's really unfair to leave you in this position now. My partner and i were honeat upfront and now have pur own finances, income and property.

But then you should have married first. Awkward.

He currently has you in his bed, in his home and you've carried children for him.

Men used to have to propose and get married, taking vows in front of everyone, to get these benefits.

I can see why increasingly men don't see the point in marriage.
Why buy the cow when you're getting milk for free etc.

It would be more secure for the house, finances, child's security, what about a civil partnership. Why do you want to be his wife, would it make you feel more secure.

I'd be straight off to get married in your shoes, unless I was better off than him.

I don't subscribe to romantic notions of marriage and all that.

He doesn't want to share and is hedging his bets, now he has everything he wants.

Take him at his word and organise a small quick wedding, in order to protect yourself and your children.

I'm sorry he's behaved as such a knob.

People say that marriage is ‘just a piece of paper’ but then there is the story about women who are not married, their partner dies and they are shocked to find that they don’t have certain rights. A marriage certificate is not just a piece of paper.

People point to the divorce rate - but that’s not the fault of marriage, that’s a decision that people make

For your own security I would have the register do - maybe have a party afterwards for friends

Marriage is not the government telling you or him how you feel - he has a weird view of marriage - but unless you have taken legal advice and have everything written down and sorted marriage will give you certain levels of security

Best of British- let us know what happens

We have a joint business but I work less hours and take care of our child and home. I have thought I’d he worried I’ll get the home etc but he has a will and I am in there to get everything

He has no reason to marry you.
You've done everything backwards and left yourself wide open to be left pretty much high and dry if you split.

Book the registry office - statistically you are more likely to have less assets, have taken maternity leave and so affected your pension etc.

unless you are vastly more wealthy, book the wedding

In that case you'd be mad not to get married. Protect yourself.

I think it’s because I want the commitment to me. Not as a mother but for me. I think it would make me feel much more secure for the future aswell. I have lots of things crossing my mind as in is he trying to keep assets from me etc but was happy to sign a notice of beneficiary (I think it’s called) to say what I am entitled to etc.

Unless you are independently wealthy and have a much larger income, saving pool and pension than him, get booking that registry office ASAP.

It doesn't have to be romantic, it's a legal document which gives you your financial security (especially if you're a low earner/SAHM).

Are you working full time since having the children? If not then you need to get back into work. Make that your priority and ensure that any costs for childcare etc are taken out of both of your incomes proportionally, along with mortgage etc. If you’re not married and you’re putting your children first while he works, you’ll be losing opportunities, pension and national instance contributions and of course the personal development you get through work. Those sacrifices are only worthwhile if you’re protected through marriage so that in the event of a split you both benefit from his success.

You need to look at what marriage really means and then ask yourself (and him) why he wouldn’t want to provide you with that security.

Are you on the deeds, and are you joint tenants or tenants in common?

Yes, but he can change his will without your knowledge. This happened to a friend's mum of my mine. She contributed most of her life to finances but was left with no assets.

Yep. Agreed.

I think you should definitely get married. The only way I would not consider marrying the farther of children is if I was individually finishaly secure. Then I would also have to make sure we had Will's in place in case something happened to each other.

Is he aware that if he hasn't done this any money he has on death could be claimed by his family as you would have no right to it? You would think he would at lest want to make sure you and his child are OK if something happens to him.

Thank you everyone for your comments. It’s nice to know that people think like me 🤣
it is more for my future stability and to show my commitment to him and him to me. So yes I think off to the registry we go!

A will is no good if you split up though.

Do you own the house jointly?

Your update doesn’t sound good tbh. He's trying to keep assets from you? He doesn’t see himself as a partner at all does he. I’d either take him up on the registry office do for now, or seriously look at becoming independently wealthy, so that at least you’re not relying on his goodwill. It sounds like he will withdraw support without a second thought.

And yes there’s also a big part of it that says you’re a team, not just the practicalities.

There are ways of safeguarding the financial side of things without betting married.

I can see his point and he shouldn’t be coerced into marriage if it doesn’t matter to him. Why does it matter to you? You live together and have a child already. Getting married seems like an afterthought when you’ve already made that commitment.

I am old fashioned, but we got married before sharing a home and having children, because being married was the most important thing to us. But we have friends that just haven’t bothered, and they’re no less committed than we are.