Partner says he doesn’t believe in marraige

[Mumof42021]

I just wanted some views on this. So I have been with my partner for over 4 years. We have a child, recently bought a house and are very happy. I have always thought our next step would be marraige. It’s come up in conversation before as something we’d probably do at some point but was in no rush and wasn’t a big deal. But I recently mentioned it again just as our life is now stress free, we’re settled in our new home and our daughter has turned 2 so life’s a bit easier now days. I was really shocked when I said he doesn’t really believe in marraige. He doesn’t see the point in someone telling us how we feel about one another, how we need to declare our relationship to the government and with divorce rates so high he didn’t see the point. He said he loves me, he’s fully committed so didn’t need paper or anyone else to tell him how he feels. I said it would mean a lot to me. So I suggested that just me and him went to a registry office, made it official without the glam or a proper wedding. He said if I wanted to he would do that but said not cos he wanted to or cos it would make him happy or mean anything. It’s just for me. Now although he’s compromised I suppose his words have completely ruined the idea for me. I feel like I’m forcing him. So now I’m stuck. Do I go and make it official knowing he doesn’t want to or do I try and get over my real want for marraige. The idea of never becoming his wife breaks my heart, almost like I’m not good enough. I really don’t know what to do

So many posts on MN read as if they were written 100 years ago. Cow, milk, my arse. It is disgusting to compare women to livestock. This is just the kind of slut-shaming rubbish my mother used to spout.

OP, I don't believe in marriage either. For similar (not quite the same) reasons as your partner. But then I'm child-free and don't need financial protection, so I'm in a different situation to you. I don't want to marry DP, but this doesn't mean I'm not committed to him.

Take him at his word. He's not a fan of marriage as an institution - this is reasonable. He says he'll still marry you if you want. So... do that then. Not wanting to marry someone is not the same thing as not wanting them to be your life partner.

These men always sing from the same hymn sheet:

Just a piece of paper
What’s the point?
Divorce rates are so high
”The Government”

It’s never that. They’re commitment-phobes who don’t want you to take them to the cleaners if you split.

There are so many of these threads atm.

Women need to be taught this stuff growing up/ in young adulthood.

Men are completely taking the piss, getting the benefits of a wife without a single bit of commitment or responsibility.

Op in your situation now you have 3 options:

1 status quo - you get shafted in a decade, lose homes/ business/ rest of your life in poverty

2 get married asap

3 work full time, do no wife work, pay no joint bills, change DCs name to yours, buy own house.

1. He can change that will tomorrow.
2. He can fuck off with someone else tomorrow and take all his assets with him. As he's self-employed, he can also fiddle his income such that he pays little or no child maintenance. 3)If you do make it until death do you part and he never changes that will, you will be liable for inheritance tax on anything over the threshold as an unmarried partner. As a spouse, no inheritance tax is payable on assets that pass to you. The business of post-death admin is also much more straightforward for a spouse than for someone who has no legal link to the deceased.

There is a reason that people who are stably partnered and terminally ill tend to organise a wedding quick smart, and also a reason hospitals will organise you a bedside wedding if needed. Marriage matters.

Yeah but if your unmarried friends split up one or other of them is likely to be shafted.

We have a business(a limited company) that we are joint owners in. I work less hours than him to take care of child and house but our pay is the same. He has said that marriage on paper means nothing to him as he doesn’t see it as making anymore commitment than what he already has. But I feel like it is a bigger commitment, and I would feel more secure. Not that I wouldn’t put the effort in hard times not being married but to me it just means so much more. He has said that married or not he is still committed so if I need marriage to make me feel better then he will do that but it won’t make any difference to him as in nothing will change for him. I think I wanted to see a more romantic view but if he says he loves me and will do it for me.

It is for legal and financial stability but also to show your commitment to each other. If he loves you and is as fully committed as he says why does he have a problem with having that publicly on record? Why is he talking about divorce rates if you have a strong relationship?
I sometimes think that some men have difficulty with marriage because it means they have to make a positive effort for that to happen ie actually say the words in front of the registrar, witnesses etc, and something internal is stopping them wanting to do that with a particular woman. They may say they've shown commitment to her by having children with her, but that's not true, that commitment is to the child. The man doesn't have to make any kind of effort to have children apart from have sex with the woman, so it's not actually a positive commitment to her alone like marriage is.
It's understandable that you are upset he doesn't want marriage because however much he says he's committed to your relationship you know he doesn't want what you regard as the ultimate commitment to you. Would he regard a civil partnership with you differently?

Is the house owned in both your names?

Yes

I think you're romanticising marriage and he is minimising its importance, You're both at the wrong ends of the truth really.

Marriage is a civil contract, and it will make a lot of admin easier (especially with regards to children), could provide tax savings, would help keep assets equal, and provide extra financial security for the lower income partner.

My instinct was to get married as soon as I knew I'm pregnant.
My friend is not married, she's a sahm and all is fine for her. So some people are fine either way.
But I don't like taking unnecessary risks.

I take it you didn't discuss your views on marriage in the beginning and you just assumed it would come as your relationship progressed. At this stage I would definitely go ahead with registry office and get married. It's to protect you if anything happens in the future.

He has said he will get married for you, so if you want to do that, arrange it. You can’t make someone want or believe in marriage, many people don’t. Marriage is rarely about romance or someone being the love of your life anyway. All these threads prove that, where numerous posters say women should marry to protect themselves financially.

Completely agree with almost everyone else! Get booked in at the registry office for as soon as possible!

Get that registry office booked and get married.

If you’re doing it just the two of you then you could be married in 6 weeks from now.

Book it this week. See if he keeps his word.

Get it booked!

He could change that will at any time.

You are in a financially vulnerable/reliant position. Imagine you find out he's having an affair or he tells you he's done with the relationship. Right now you're entitled to child maintenance only (buttons if he's self-employed) and half the equity in the house(after cost of sale). Could you buy him out or buy a home for you and your DC with half the equity and your income?

My friend is not married, she's a sahm and all is fine for her

Unless your friend has seven figures in assets in her own name, it's going to be very not fine for her at all if her partner dies intestate, as most people do, or ever fucks off to greener pastures. It's going to be pretty not fine for her if he ever starts treating her badly, as well, because what's she gonna do about it?

He has said that married or not he is still committed so if I need marriage to make me feel better then he will do that

The sooner you get the registry office booked, the sooner you will find out if he really means what he says.

That’s what my friend thought until he buggered off with a young work colleague, effectively leaving her with nothing. They’d been apparently very happy together for 38 years.

Perhaps I’m old fashioned, but I felt more committed to my partner, after we married.
I was brought up to believe that if a man truly values a woman/his relationship, he will marry her. And as much as I can see that this is not always the case, I felt more valued after we married.
The power of upbringing/cultural values.

Make sure your contraception is watertight too OP until you've both signed on the dotted line.

Yeah I know a couple - he shagged one of their friends and left her and the kids. Not married and his house….. not pretty.

Don’t make a massive deal out of it, just book a registry office wedding - say to your DP that you can have a big party in the summer to celebrate if he wants to.

If he gets hit by a car tomorrow, toy realise that his parents will be consulted on his care, as next of kin, not you.

He's entitled to his views on marriage ofcours. (Althoug they are flawed - marriage is, literally, a commitment which not being married can never be).

What would concern me most is the fact he's chosen to wait until now to tell you this. Until now he's given the impression you'd be getting married. So he's being misleading you. You might have made different decisions (about living together, or children) if you'd known his position.

I would definitely take him up on the register office offer. If he's trying to protect his own financial interests to your detriment, that will stop him and might just flush him out. If he's telling the truth, then he'll have no objection at all to doing it and will be thrilled that he's making you happy.

Absolutely you should get married for your financial security. You are vulnerable taking care of the home and child while not married.

A will can be changed don't forget.

I used to be of the same thinking it's just a piece of paper that says you can't leave easily. I wanted to be together because we wanted to be. I'd also had an abusive husband so didn't want to get caught that way again. Now I'm parenting this child alone with my ability to work pay off my mortgage and build a pension impacted while he lives his best life. You have enough time together and a child you know he's not abusive so GET MARRIED incase he's selfish

It’s more secure if you are married or civilily partnered. Both of you have more rights. I can understand when people don’t want to but they really don’t need to feel uncomfortable about it.