Partner says he doesn’t believe in marraige

[Mumof42021]

I just wanted some views on this. So I have been with my partner for over 4 years. We have a child, recently bought a house and are very happy. I have always thought our next step would be marraige. It’s come up in conversation before as something we’d probably do at some point but was in no rush and wasn’t a big deal. But I recently mentioned it again just as our life is now stress free, we’re settled in our new home and our daughter has turned 2 so life’s a bit easier now days. I was really shocked when I said he doesn’t really believe in marraige. He doesn’t see the point in someone telling us how we feel about one another, how we need to declare our relationship to the government and with divorce rates so high he didn’t see the point. He said he loves me, he’s fully committed so didn’t need paper or anyone else to tell him how he feels. I said it would mean a lot to me. So I suggested that just me and him went to a registry office, made it official without the glam or a proper wedding. He said if I wanted to he would do that but said not cos he wanted to or cos it would make him happy or mean anything. It’s just for me. Now although he’s compromised I suppose his words have completely ruined the idea for me. I feel like I’m forcing him. So now I’m stuck. Do I go and make it official knowing he doesn’t want to or do I try and get over my real want for marraige. The idea of never becoming his wife breaks my heart, almost like I’m not good enough. I really don’t know what to do

You couldn’t pay me to get married, I have no interest in it. Some people don’t.

He says he’ll get married at a registry office because you want too. In that case you should go ahead and book a date if you really do want to get married. Some people just feel differently on these things

I tend to agree with you. If marriage was a necessity for you then you should have planned it earlier in the relationship.

Yes, I do agree... I should have said fine so far... Her partner is a few years younger and appears to be a very committed family man; her sister is not married either, been with her partner for even longer... I have no doubt that sometimes women are just fine, but not a risk worth taking for me and definitely recommend registering the marriage.

I’d want to be each others next of kin for emergencies and financial security. I think it’s extremely lax to not bother to get married. Do you have wills and life insurance? Best get it done if there are children involved.

If its just a piece of paper why the reluctance? Op if it's something you really want and he isn't fussed but willing then go for it. Would it be more 'romantic' if he was desperate to marry you? Maybe, but if marriage is something you really want, then it's OK to do it for you.

The comments I never understand on these wedding threads (and I’ve seen some on this one) are people telling the op’s to get married (for financial reasons)… unless she is the higher earner. So why is it not ok for a man to not want to marry and he’s called all sorts but women are often told if she’s the higher earner not to marry 🤷‍♀️

He's agreed to get married as he can see it means a lot to you. Popping off quietly to a registry office was your suggestion, and he has gone with that. Maybe you should just do it?

Surely the FIRST step is marriage? What’s he got to gain by getting married now?

If HE doesn't want to get married then why should she marry him if she's the higher earner and help feather his nest?

If a man posted "I want to get married, I've been a SAHD and my gf's a millionaire" I'd be telling him his gf was taking the mick too.

It's because, in the majority of cases, women do more unpaid work (childcare and housework) than men, and are more likely to be the primary carer for the children if the couple separates. So they need the financial protection of marriage more than men - otherwise their unpaid contribution is completely unrecognised.

@gannett couldn't agree more, so many rude comments asking why should he now he's got it all 🙄 the time they are falsely reminiscing about also required women to perform sex as a marital duty, shall we go back to that too?

Backwards according to who? Or when? You clearly haven't noticed this isn't the 50's! 🙄

I think if someone doesn’t see the point of marriage, it is quite romantic of them to be happy to sign at the registry office because their partner wants to. Maybe it helps to think of it that way?

Yes, people always insist on trying to do a reversal of the sexes here but the situation is seldom analogous.

And yeah OP, get arranging! Notice of intention to marry appointment, stat.

If one of you dies and their assets are above the threshold the estate will be subject to inheritance tax and other won't automatically inherit the estate.

marriage in history was originally used for alliances, its only modern times its used for love.

Because she is living as a 50's housewife as you call it. She has sacrificed her career and pension. He hasn't. So she needs the financial protection marriage will provide.

When I was dating my husband, I said to him, if he ever wanted children, he’d have to marry me first… so he married me

If its just a bit of paper and he's fully committed then why not get married? If its important to your partner?

Men who say "it's just a bit of paper" know full well it is not, it's the commitment they don't want.

On other threads like this posters have mentioned the issue of being formally each other's "next of kin" for example if heaven forfend, one of you is rushed to hospital and decisions need to be made on your behalf.

I don't know the ins and outs but it does get mentioned.

As i understand it, marriage is a short cut to neing treated by the world and especially officialdom, as you would wish as a couple, without having to go through a load of processes and form-filling for each new thing, and gives you (both) extra rights (and of course obligations) as a committed couple

Marriage is a piece of paper that insures you against your partner turning into a mean dick at some point. If you're unmarried, you're reliant on goodwill in the event of a break up, illness etc.

If you don't marry, set up your finances now so you have as much in savings and pension as him.

As a retired IFA I urge you to get him to: (1) make a will with you as the beneficiary. (2) if he is in employment and the firm has a pension and life assurance scheme, put your name on the nomination form for death benefits (lump sum and dependant's pension), (3) set up a joint account to pay utility bills from if you haven't done this already. (4) sign an enduring power of attorney so you can make decisions on his behalf if he is hospitalised.

It's not about your relationship while he's alive and well it's about making sure you aren't left in deep shit when he dies.

Believe me, I have seen far too many women left skint and in some cases actually made homeless because they and their partners thought marriage/civil partnership was a meaningless formality. It's not. It's a legal relationship which confers valuable financial protection on the survivor with just one short, simple piece of paper.

If you don't want to get married, fine but just make sure all your financial paperwork is legally sound.

I think he's putting his own interests, future and security above that of you as a couple - in effect - he's not fully committed and hedging his bets and keeping his options open: you need to do the same - ask yourself - if he wasn't there - what would you be doing in life? Whatever that is - that's what you need to be doing. Consider leaving the business, building your own career or generating your own income to secure your own future - if you go to work he'll have to pay half towards someone to look after the kids or take time out of his working day to look after them himself. IMHO - he's already got you in a vulnerable position as you share a child together. In a relationship you make more progress in life, IMHO, because "the unit" (the couple) is able to withstand the ups and downs of life more easily - that's emotionally, financially, practically - two heads stand a better chance of making better decisions in the interests of "the unit" - businesses hit hard times or fold, a family member needs caring for, a child becomes ill, one of you becomes ill or has an accident, one of you comes into an inheritance or has to work away (I know you said you have a business together - are you paying yourself correctly and putting into a pension scheme or doing the usual stupid tricks that so many small businesses do?) - I don't think he's fully committed to you, his child or to "the unit" - who has the most to lose if your relationship does not pan out? You can't put all your trust in his promises. If he doesn't want to get married why did you have a kid and buy a house together? Will's can be changed and you might not know a thing about it: wise up.

I think once you go ahead with the registry office wedding it might fall into place.
I've read a lot of threads where the man doesn't want to get married but here he is saying he will do it.

I know it seems unromantic. I know a couple who got married for tax simplification reasons. They were quite cold about their reasons but when the time came they had a lovely day and I think their relationship is the stronger for it.

If you think he’s already hiding assets I’d bet that he never had any plans to marry and if you forced his hand, he’d create drama so as not to go through with it. Would I’d bother marrying someone like this, hell no and I would take financial planning advice that wasn’t based on his word (wills can be changed).

Marriage doesn’t mean commitment but it is a legal commitment that entitles both parties to certain rights. In your particular circumstance, it sounds like you expect marriage to signify something your bf doesn’t want or to be legally on the hook for.