Partner says he doesn’t believe in marraige

[Mumof42021]

I just wanted some views on this. So I have been with my partner for over 4 years. We have a child, recently bought a house and are very happy. I have always thought our next step would be marraige. It’s come up in conversation before as something we’d probably do at some point but was in no rush and wasn’t a big deal. But I recently mentioned it again just as our life is now stress free, we’re settled in our new home and our daughter has turned 2 so life’s a bit easier now days. I was really shocked when I said he doesn’t really believe in marraige. He doesn’t see the point in someone telling us how we feel about one another, how we need to declare our relationship to the government and with divorce rates so high he didn’t see the point. He said he loves me, he’s fully committed so didn’t need paper or anyone else to tell him how he feels. I said it would mean a lot to me. So I suggested that just me and him went to a registry office, made it official without the glam or a proper wedding. He said if I wanted to he would do that but said not cos he wanted to or cos it would make him happy or mean anything. It’s just for me. Now although he’s compromised I suppose his words have completely ruined the idea for me. I feel like I’m forcing him. So now I’m stuck. Do I go and make it official knowing he doesn’t want to or do I try and get over my real want for marraige. The idea of never becoming his wife breaks my heart, almost like I’m not good enough. I really don’t know what to do

Definitely get down the registry office for the security of you and your child. Do.it as cheaply as possible because weddings are a waste of money.
Upon any divorce you are entitled to half of the business, any pensions, and the house equity, as well as half of savings.
He is however entitled to the same from you.
You need this security if he is the higher earner

He has said that married or not he is still committed so if I need marriage to make me feel better then he will do that

Excellent.

You have have exactly what you want (in terms of formal commitment).

He doesn't get his over-romanticised version of protestations of commitment being sufficient: you don't get yours of what his levels of enthusiasm should be.

But you do end up in the legally-recognised unit with the partner of your choice. Which is what you want, isn't it?

Personally I thought the best solution to this was not to do any more than the fair share of the unpaid work (tbh I do way less), while at the same time protecting my career and earning capacity. Hey presto, I don't need either a man or a marriage for financial protection.

Exactly. You want to get married; he says he'll marry you. Happy days, book the register office.

Yes, it would be nice if he asked you on bended knee and all that, but take it from someone who had the big party and the romantic trappings; marriage isn't a proposal and a wedding, marriage is the years in which you have that vital "piece of paper" connecting and protecting you both.

Do it, for all the financial reasons.

If marriage is "just a bit of paper" and "it's no big deal" and "it doesn't change how he feels" then what's the problem doing something so inconsequential that would make your partner happy? This is the argument that blows that shit right of the the water.

Like, it bugs my DH that I screwed the lids back on the tetra pack when recycling as it's inconvenient when he's squashing it into the bin. to me, it's "just a bit of paper" and it's "not a big deal", right? But I'm happy to leave the lids off if it makes his life slightly easier.

So the argument that marriage is nothing is false. It isn't nothing and he damn well knows that.

What he's actually saying is that he's fine with the inequality in his favour in your relationship as it stands.
That he's fine with you having less protections and access to joint assets than he does in the event you split.
That he's fine with you having less chance to build up your social contributions, your career and your pension.
He's fine with living his life every day making yours minutely inconvenient because, ultimately, he's benefiting.

So, what you do is work out what you need to earn equally. You'll need to go full time of course, and childcare duties and responsibilities will be strictly 50/50 As will every other single house and family expense and things like appointments and parent teacher meetings. Housework will also be strictly 50/50. Your future financial security is as important to you as his is to him. You can no longer afford to be a stay at home mother if unmarried.

I was very lucky when TTC that my GP directed me to MN and this board. I wasn't married, and DH wasn't bothered, so right through pregnancy and the baby years, even now I work full time. Now, I'm lucky, I got a good man who always pulled his weight with the baby and the house and was generous with the finances and continued to do so but I saw on here how quickly that can change in the most unlikely candidates. I'll never be at the mercy of any man financially - ever.

He's shown you who he is. Time to show him who you are.

I feel for you. But just because he’s not enthusiastic it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you dearly. I don’t believe in marriage whatsoever. I loathe the history of the institution and it just doesn’t mean anything to me. I love my life partner more than life itself though. One has nothing to do with the other in my mind - in case that makes you feel better.

I did, however, get married after having kids because its the sensible thing to do. Would have had a civil partnership if I were a younger woman now.

If it makes you feel better, in our friendship group around 8 out of 10 ‘proposals’ that supposedly come from the man were initiated by the woman! He may be the one getting down on one knee but often behind the scenes she’s threatening to leave if he doesn’t do it, sulking or giving ultimatums. Not very romantic! I think plenty of men don’t care that much about marriage while it’s heavily marketed to us through rom coms etc.

I hope you can get booked into the registry as soon as possible and then you can have a lovely party in the spring or summer.

Reading these replies, is EXACTLY the reason why OP’s OH , other men, and me, are reluctant to get married.

unless you are the higher earner, or have more assets, or a bigger pension - get married so you are entitled to half of what he has.

if you are the above, don’t Get married, otherwise he will take you to the cleaners.

marriage is supposed to be about commitment but reading these posts sounds like to most on here marriage is a way of financial security in case things go tits up.

He doesn't particularly want to or believe in it but he's happy to do it for you, because you want to. What's wrong with that? I'd go to the bank with it if I were you.

marriage is supposed to be about commitment but reading these posts sounds like to most on here marriage is a way of financial security in case things go tits up.

Marriage has always been about financial stability. They have a dc together so already have a life long commitment. Now they need to sort the legal stuff to run alongside the commitment.

Sad but true.

Women give away all of their leverage far too easily.

@JIMMI85
I married for all the right reasons ( I loved him and still do) and then got blindsided by my Ex husband when he wanted out.
It was only during the divorce that I realised how vulnerable I'd have been if I was not married and a low earner.
FWIW We had a 50/50 split. Equally high earners.
It also.made me realise a few things;

1. I'd not advise anyone to waste £££ weddings
2. Marriage is for financial security.

Go and talk to a solicitor about your joint business, how it's structured, its assets and debts, and what risks you run as his partner in the business. Is it a limited liability company? Is your home one of the business assets?

Talk to the solicitor about the legal benefits of that piece of paper your 'partner' is so opposed to as well.

Do not put off the chat with the solicitor.

Your financial security is yours to take care of.

Do not depend on this man to take care of you or your child if push comes to shove.

THIS.

Every single word of it.

@Mumof42021

Take him up on his begrudging offer.
Organise that registry office wedding. Turn up in jeans, both of you.

That piece of paper is worth so much more to you - and to his own child - than he is prepared to admit.

But do talk to a solicitor about the business, how it is structured, etc. Are you a partner or an employee?

I would hesitate to be in business with someone who is prepared to play so fast and loose with my financial security tbh.

if you have a child and don’t ensure you cover the bills during your partners leave, support fully their returning to work so they are financially independent and they can do that because you are that unusual man who steps up and actively pulls their full weight, investigating swimming lessons, buying a sun hat or backpack for baby, organising and cleaning for their birthday party, etc so your partner is as free to work as you are, and every man you know is like that, then you are entitled to this opinion. And id love to know this utopia where you live, unless you just mean you’re in Australia where defacto relationships count in separations so she can claim on your assets anyways to bring up your child if you leave. Here in the real world, women have babies and sacrifice career and earning potential to take care of them. They often take on more of the house and life admin and parenting ongoing, leaving them less able to work full hours or concentrate on career the way their partner does. Here in the real world, the parent who most often walks out and pays some kind of child support that is a drop in the bucket of either funding their child or compensating for the mums sacrifices, is the dad. Here in the real world women support other women to get married knowing what a difference it makes. Men like you are just the same as many men have been forever- wanting their cake and eating it too.

I've never felt any desire to get married. Vast numbers of us don't bother for millions of reasons. I've never bothered

OP, maybe I missed it, but are you in the UK?
Could it be that he doesn't want to get married because he's afraid he'd have to pay too much to you if you split up? I say to you because I presume (I am no lawyer) that child support shouldn't be different based on whether the parents were married or not.

This could mean that he might not be fully committed.

Or - and this will be an unpopular opinion on mumsnet - it could be that he is 200% fully committed, but he is afraid that if YOU decide to split up then you might get an unfair share of his assets and future income?

Lawyer friends tell me that family court is a bit of a lottery and unfair decisions are not uncommon.

Pre-nups are not fully binding in the UK, and this puts some people off.

@Codlingmoths @mathanxiety There is truth in what you say, but it is also true that opposite examples exist. Maybe they are rarer, but they do exist, and it is not inconceivable that some men may be put off by those possibilities. There are stories of women who cheat and end up with half his assets and with a higher lifestyle they would have ever had, had they not married.

Good for you and glad it's worked for you.

The OP however, does want to get married.

It has been discussed by them both in the past as something they would do in due course. As a result, all of her massive life choices and decisions such as having a baby, buying a house and starting a business with her boyfriend were based on the fact that at some point, those choices she made in good faith would have the protections marriage would bestow.

He's gone back on their agreement.

House deeds, wills and birth certificates are also just "bits of paper"

Wills can be changed.

Right. That's why so many children end up in dire poverty after a split because those wicked womens took the poor chap to the cleaner. 🙄

I assume you are in a long term relationship. What about the inheritance tax that one of you will end up losing to the government when the other dies?

You need to be married for your protection if you split up.