Partners ex wont divorce him

[Supernova18]

Hello,

I am wondering if anyone has been in a similar position and can tell me it gets easier. I have been with my partner for almost a year. Our relationship is good. I have a 2 year old from a previous relationship (which was very abusive) and he has 2 young children of 4 and 5 from a 9 year relationship, 3 of which they were married (she was as abusive and continues to be).

His ex left him, but they were living in separate rooms etc for some time and it was incredibly abusive where they had had the talk many times. They have been apart now a year and a half, she has a home and we rent (as he wanted security for his children during the initial split as she does not work and is refusing to work, saying she must be gifted the house.....). She is refusing to sell (he does not want to remortage using his salary as we would like to now buy) she will not also acknowledge the divorce. She threatens to harm herself, she has tried to steal items from our home and as a result she does not know that we officially live together (which I am unhappy about but agree with based on the uncertainty of her reaction) due to her outbursts. About 4 months ago, I found out I was pregnant, and took the awful decision to have an abortion as his ex was so toxic and I myself was being taken to court for a prohibited steps order to block a move over 15 minutes away. I am really struggling with this and having counselling at present.

His ex will not divorce him and he has now submitted to go to court to hopefully be free from this woman. I am really struggling with the fact I feel like the divorce just isn't happening or I can't see the end in sight with it. I can't speak about this as I know he is overwhelmed. She is also constantly asking for money and changing the boundaries with the children.

Thank you!

What do you mean she won't divorce him? He needed to file for divorce if he wanted to he divorced. I see he has now done that but I'm not sure why it was on her when he could have done it any time?
Divorce is complicated and slow when there are children/assets and the parties don't get on. That's just how it is, if you don't want that toxicity maybe take a break until the divorce is through?

You can divorce after you have lived separately for five years now. If I’ve understood your timeline, this time must be approaching, so her ‘consent’ is unnecessary.

it all sounds very complex and stressful, though. Maybe take a step back until he is actually disentangled from his wife, and the parental arrangements have been sorted out.

Get help with your MH OP, as that is something that is within your control.

As for the divorce, well it sounds like he's finally got around to making it happen. He needed to do this earlier, but that's water under the bridge. He must go through the process and forcing the sale of the house will be part of that, but it's not going to happen quickly. Most divorces take a couple of years and if she is obstructive throughout then it could take longer. So take care of yourself and protect yourself as well as you can. You're with a man with a toxic ex and whether you like it or not, she's going to be in your life for as long as you're with him, because she is the other parent of their DC.

I think this won't get any easier. The three children involved are very young and by your own admission they have one toxic abusive parent. His ex doesn't know you live together. It's chaotic.

His ex will not divorce him and he has now submitted to go to court to hopefully be free from this woman.

Divorce (in the UK ), is now no fault, she has no say in it, he gets divorced from her, she cannot legally prevent this.

His ex will not divorce him and he has now submitted to go to court to hopefully be free from this woman

You are clearly having a difficult time, so I say this with kindness, but even when he does get a divorce, he - and you - will not be free from.this woman.

They have children together, and she will be in your lives for a long time.

The divorce will sort out the ending of the marriage and some of the financial matters, but the reality is rhey will have to keep in some sort of contact for the children

This has caused you great stress, for your own wellbeing, yiu really need to think if this is a relationship you should continue.

HOnestly is he worth all this? Together under a year and he is already living with you and your 2 year old and then all this stress plus already a termination. I think you are better off getting rid of him and all his bagge at the same time.

Honestly, it’s not worth the hassle.

So many women moving in with men. Moving their kids in with them before they really have idea what a relationship with them is actually going to be like.

This is what life is like with him. She will always be there. When they divorce, there’s no guarantee it will change anything

How is she stealing from your him? Why is she in it?

He can divorce her. He doesn’t need her consent to do so. The fact that he has left it so long will only future draw out the process.

Sounds like he is misleading you.

You and he have to be prepared for the fact that even if he divorces and is free to marry he will still be financially tied to the children. At best this might just be as a CMS payment. At worst it could be because she is awarded a mesher order that does allow her to stay in the family home. She is not working and has two small children so a mesher order is possible especially if he is housed with you.

It could take months if not years to unpick their finances. It could cost a lot of money in legal fees. Especially if he is hiding relevant issues like you living with him.

The bottom line is that you both come to the relationship with baggage and ongoing responsibilities to your existing children. This doesn’t stop you having a new relationship it does limit your choices and flexibility.

You have an ex who rightly has a say and role in your child’s life and he has an ex who has a say and a role in their children’s lives. Neither of your ex’s has to facilitate your relationship. Their willingness to throw spanner’s in the works is something you have to deal with if you stay together.

Thank you for the comments, they echo how I am feeling. I am finding it very overwhelming as some days there are 50,60, 70 plus messages of just craziness which is impactful upon myself also when I have also just come out of an abusive relationship. I know she will be in our lives sadly, at present he has nothing to do with her and will only go through a third party for drop offs (until she was recently abusive to a family member of his too!).

I wasn't sure about the formalities of going to court, as his grounds are he has sent divorce papers and she ignores them/won't speak about it other than saying she doesn't have time or will hurt herself...

They have officially lived apart for 18 months - so I presume if its a 5 year window like a poster said, I have some time to now go

I did wonder about the mersher. He pays her a significant amount of money, as she is blackmailing for money to see the children (at one point in excess of 4K a month!!!). He does not want to remortgage as she threatens to not pay the rent etc

He needs to get proper legal advice and seek divorce - he can force it but I'm sure there's a process, including to sort out finances.

You also need to take a step back. Moving in with someone after less than a year when you have a young child and he is still coming out of a complicated and difficult relationship is crazy. I have to ask - he moved in wit you so are you meeting the vast bulk of the bills because he has to pay his wife/mortgage etc?

That's not correct - it's 2 years of living separately not 5. It used to be 5 years to divorce with no reason but that's changed and no reason is needed even after 2 years.

This.

How much more relaxed and peaceful would your life be without this man?

Please get reliable birth control, if you do continue with the relationship.

If he has 4k a month to give her he has plenty of money to get the divorce moving and also arrange proper access through the court.

if she doesn’t respond, it’s not a case of him just not being able to get a divorce. There’s a process. Which he could have been going through, but hasn’t.

This is about how ‘insane’ she is. This about him. Either he is playing both sides to some degree. Or is one of these men that constantly blames his ex, rather than realising he could actually be proactive to change things.

Step away from this situation. One year in and you are living with him with a young child and you got pregnant by a still married man you had only known for months. It is all too much too soon. I am hearing a lot of crazy ex talk, you know that might not be true, maybe he is the problem. I think men still going through a divorce are really best avoiding.

This sounds deeply unenjoyable, dating is meant to be fun, easy, and enhance your life. It’s already tedious, drama laden, ruined your mental health, and made your kid be involved in the farce.
Assess whether you really need to date this man and his upcoming years of more dramas, or whether it’d be preferable to be single, or at least date him away from all the kids and house drudgery.
Put your kid first. This married mans problems are his and his alone. He never should have been moved in to your toddlers home so soon.

Move on. This is far too much hassle and taking up time you could be spending with your child.

It sounds very messy op and if she is still sending so many messages and he is responding to the blackmail, when is it going to get better? I had a difficult divorce and it took two years as it had to go to court.

This is for your partner .,,,
Block her number
Do not let her into your home
Report her messages, threats and blackmail to the police
Apply for visitation and pr through the Courts
Do not involve a 3rd party for drop off, Courts only
Speak to a solicitor
Start divorce proceedings

For you, think if you really want to continue this relationship which will never change and is affecting your mental health and your own child.

Since April 2022, there has no longer been any requirement to wait ANY period of time to trigger a divorce. You can go online and file whenever you want, even while still living together.
Financial settlement is an entirely different matter. And it is in his interests, if he is a high earner giving her 4k/month, to get that sorted asap. Hopefully, he has done the sensible thing and moved all his financial documentation, changed addresses etc, so he can show they are no longer living as many and wife for dividing assets.

If he can afford that kind of child support, he can afford to have it pushed through legally, for her to be forced to acknowledge and come to the table financially speaking. He also has the financial wherewithal to ensure he gets the access laid out legally and to take steps against her if she tries to deny it.

I would suggest that if he is worth the relationship to you, then ask him to take a break and come back to you once everything is sorted.

I don’t understand your references to remortgaging? Do you mean a second mortgage for another property? And what do you mean she is threatening to not pay the rent? The advice above for your partner is correct and this shouldn’t be your problem. Contact agreement, maintenance and divorce. He just needs to get it sorted.

Why on earth are you two living together when you have been together less than a year and there are three very young kids involved and why do you want to buy a place with a married man?

You have both come out of abusive relationships, you both need to live independently and work on yourselves. You might want to look into the freedom program too. It's a bit of a red flag that you are just jumping into this completely blindly.

Live together once his divorce and financial settlement is all done, you and your kid does not have to be impacted by that mess.

You cannot change the behaviour of his ex. It's incredibly worrying that you feel you can't talk to your DP about the situation as he is 'overwhelmed'. So are you anticipating the current situation goes on for ever as he won't do anything to sort it out? I'd run a mile and remove my DC from this crappy situation.

If she is an toxic as he claims, why is he not fighting to be the resident parent, rather than starting a new romance?