Partners ex wont divorce him

[Supernova18]

Hello,

I am wondering if anyone has been in a similar position and can tell me it gets easier. I have been with my partner for almost a year. Our relationship is good. I have a 2 year old from a previous relationship (which was very abusive) and he has 2 young children of 4 and 5 from a 9 year relationship, 3 of which they were married (she was as abusive and continues to be).

His ex left him, but they were living in separate rooms etc for some time and it was incredibly abusive where they had had the talk many times. They have been apart now a year and a half, she has a home and we rent (as he wanted security for his children during the initial split as she does not work and is refusing to work, saying she must be gifted the house.....). She is refusing to sell (he does not want to remortage using his salary as we would like to now buy) she will not also acknowledge the divorce. She threatens to harm herself, she has tried to steal items from our home and as a result she does not know that we officially live together (which I am unhappy about but agree with based on the uncertainty of her reaction) due to her outbursts. About 4 months ago, I found out I was pregnant, and took the awful decision to have an abortion as his ex was so toxic and I myself was being taken to court for a prohibited steps order to block a move over 15 minutes away. I am really struggling with this and having counselling at present.

His ex will not divorce him and he has now submitted to go to court to hopefully be free from this woman. I am really struggling with the fact I feel like the divorce just isn't happening or I can't see the end in sight with it. I can't speak about this as I know he is overwhelmed. She is also constantly asking for money and changing the boundaries with the children.

Thank you!

I think it's you who has been overwhelmed, taking on this man's problems when you've known him less than 12 months. You should be a long way off even thinking of buying a property - the guy is still married.

You're just out of an abusive relationship yourself so don't go jumping from the pan to the fire!

Don't saddle yourself with years of misery, turmoil and DRAMA - think of your own child and future.

Okay facts here are as follows.

BOTH of you have been in abusive relationships and jumped into a relationship together with no chance to heal.

Unplanned pregnancy already and abortion.

Living together already while both ?? Going to court for x y z reasons?

You are currently a dirty secret ??

Focus on your child not his wife.

I echo this!
You're less than a year in and it seems your MH has already suffered because of him.
I've just split with someone of just under a year, this man was in the process of a messy divorce, point scoring etc, not amicable and the financial side of the divorce is getting nowhere.
They have a teenage child together. Bar the divorce the contact is minimal but it massively impacted our relationship.
He ended it based on everything going around him is too much and getting on top of him.

Yes it hurts but I'll heal and within time you will, but what's going on with you sounds like it won't stop and will only get worse especially if the divorce goes ahead, it'll be costly and stressful on him and in turn your relationship.

You have years of her to come still with young children and it'll hurt more leaving in another year or three then it will now.
Protect you and your child and put both of yourselves first.

My honest reaction?

He left one woman holding three very young children.

This married man then moved in with you.

You got pregnant - I'm so sorry you felt you needed to terminate and hope you'll be ok there.

She does not know you're living together yet and it sounds like you're dreading her finding out.

She will be entitled to money from the father of her children, who will need a home.

You will never be free of her.

Any children you have with him will be an extra call on his finances.

I think you can do better than this man and his entire heap of baggage.

Maybe wise to take a break, give him time to sort himself out before he tries to start another relationship after this chaotic car crash.

You both have a lot going on from the sounds of it. Would make sense to both separate and work through your own stuff first before progressing the relationship and bringing any more children into it imo.

This. If she is unstable, threatens self harm, and toxic are their children safe with her, has he been in contact with their school, doctor and child services to safeguard them, his divorce is the least of his priorities. There's no point in him ignoring her, his priority should be his children, they sound a pair of drama lama.

Please think about prioritising yourself and your little one. You’re not long split from your abusive ex and instead of healing, getting to know yourself again on your own and focusing on your child you’ve thrown yourself into this exhausting, scary nightmare.

You don’t owe it to him to stay with him. You can change your mind, choose happiness and peace and harmony instead.

I know someone who this happened to. It depends on where you are/where you got married, and how long you have been legally separated for, and can prove this date. The couple I knew, one was in northern ireland, which had a 2 year separation period I believe, but the other party tried to file for divorce in their place of residence which had a 1 year divorce period, and the NI one blocked it because they didn't get what they wanted, dragged it out forever. Neither one had money, so no one wanted to pay a lawyer to file it again, and it just hung around until the person who originally blocked it found someone she wanted to marry, and then initiated proceedings (we are talking 5+ years later). It is very frustrating, but it is a problem for your partner. If it really matters to him, make sure he has legal evidence of the separation date, and if he has money, he can file for divorce if the legal jurisdiction allows it based on that date. Of all the couples i've seen going through nasty separations, it isn't until the other person truly moves on that it gets better.

Which country are you in? Scotland is different to England and Wales for divorce purposes. E/W has a new no fault divorce that can be done online for £600. He can be divorced in six months, she can not stop that part.

BUT he will need to get a solicitor to file documents to sort out the financials and children. The new E/W way encourages use of a mediator before solicitor fights or court as it is cheaper and quicker. But it sounds like he should ask for court ordered visitation rights anyway as this will set out his access days/times that she can not refuse.

I believe it's still the old way in Scotland.

That said...why isn't he fighting for the children anyway if she is that abusive and toxic?

Are you in the Uk?
Is he willing to get her a solicitor to manage this?
He needs to manage the divorce, agree a financial settlement and confirm co-parenting arrangements for the kids.

She can't ignore it once he really gets the ball moving. And until then he could insist that she move out and he moves in until this is resolved.

Why are you putting yourself through this?

You have a 2 year old. Do you need to put yourself and your child through all this drama of his unresolved marriage? Why are you sitting about thinking about how they should split their matrimonial assets etc?

Your entire life is being dictated by this. No man is worth this crap.

If he wanted to divorce her, he would. If she was and is abusive, he can divorce her for unreasonable behaviour. He hasn’t done this.

DO NOT BUY A PROPERTY WITH A MARRIED MAN. IT WILL BE MARITAL PROPERTY ON DIVORCE.

Realistically he needs to be living apart from you for the financial settlement to take place otherwise your income / assets will be included in this also - as she can claim you can help support him so she needs more of their shared assets.

He is leading you a line if he is telling you he has to wait for her for ANY of this.

He needs to submit the papers to court - which he can do online for a no fault divorce. Which he can do instantly.

He then needs to submit a child arrangement order for formalised access to the kids so that she can't hold him to ransom over access.

He needs to work out what CMS says he owes her - even ask them to do the calculation, pay that and be done. He can then work out whether he wants to buy extras such as uniform, school trips etc as and when.

Realistically he isn't prepared to sort things out with her tondraw rhe line so he is leading you on. You have gone from one abusive relationship to another. Get yourself out, live along with your kids and go from there.

She left so why didn't he stay in the house with the children? If she's as abusive as he says surely she can't be good for the children. She left, gets back in the house, doesn't work and demands money? I think he needs to work this out alone, you and your dd don't need all this angst. When he's single is when the relationship should start again.

Oh and if the house is shared... he can move right back in there as he is entitled to live there as she is. Do not ever let her I to your home again!

I have a feeling that the Op and her partner are living in the home he shared with his ex. She left but took the kids. Which is a really drastic move and suggests he isn’t a completely innocent party.

Which is why she comes in and ‘steals’ things. I am guessing she is actually going into the home she is entitled to go in and taking belongings. Whether she should be taking anything or not, is another matter. But I suspect it’s joint property.

How else would she have access to the home and no one called the police?

This is all very interesting but I don’t think we are hearing the full story here.

And if he's told you different then I suspect he doesn't want to get divorced...

Once court proceedings are initiated, it tends to concentrate the other person's mind, and more importantly it establishes a timetable, or at least an order of processes.

I divorced my Ex 12 years ago, citing unreasonable behaviour. He was unco-operative, so I had to take him to court, but only over the settlement. It took 12 months from start (instructing sol to divorce) to finish (Ex moving out).

The fact he's done nothing until recently does not bode well.

This man had no business getting into a relationship and then foisting his hugely messy and chaotic life on you.
From my own experience: avoid separating, newly-separated or recently divorced men.

I usually hate when people ask this, but it sounds as if you were the OW, he spun you a line about them living together in the family home and then he moved you in.

Ultimately if he wanted to be divorced he would be, so it’s clear that he doesn’t

And neither of you have put your children first. You’ve moved in with a man at a point when you shouldn’t even have introduced him to your child yet have got pregnant (always amazes me how quickly some people seem to manage to get pregnant at the most difficult times when so many others who aren’t using contraception struggle).

You need to start putting your child first, move out, and then see where you go from there.

But if as I suspect you were the OW (your language suggests that you were) you are worth more than having started a relationship as some bloke’s bit on the side.

Absolutely. There are so many threads on here from women who have kids still in nappies and already moved a not yet divorced man under their roof and wondering why there’s drama and unresolved baggage.

Too many people seem scared to be single for 5 minutes and rush from one disaster to the next then wonder why it goes wrong.

I'm separated ten years and still not divorced.

Thank you for your comments, there are some good points raised. I agree with points, as it is overwhelming.

I know there are some parts which people may find hard. I was on contraception but fell pregnant, ti was unplanned and unexpected. In terms of the living arrangements, they sold their family home. She was threatening to leave the area and move a significant way away, so they agreed between them they would buy a property as she refused to rent (silly, silly decision by him). She is terrible with money, and as she raises the 2 children he pays her money to do so as well as the mortgage, even though it is a shared property. As she does not work, she cannot get any lending, so the mortgage is based on his earnings. He would like to now force a sale, as he would like to buy rather than rent, she said he is a bad dad for doing this (she has over 250k in the property as she took all profits from their marital home).

I adore him, but it is becoming very overwhelming, so I am in the head space today that it is time to walk away. We rent and do not own, which does make it easier as he can take on the rental.

Maybe it would helpful for you to reframe that not as ‘his awful ex did this, that and the other’ and actually look at his choices and actions here.

18 months ago he agreed with his ex that they would sell the marital home and buy a (presumably smaller) house.

He agreed that she would live in that house with the children.

He agreed to take on a mortgage with her.

He agreed that he would financially support her (via taking on the mortgage with her and through maintenance) so she could continue to be a SAHM for their young children.

He has chosen not to seek a divorce in the years since they separated.

Now you want to buy a house with him so he’s decided to pretend he had no agency in any of this.

He now wants her to sell up so he can buy a house with you instead. And is claiming she’s crazy for not jumping at this.

He is telling you that his ex was abusive to him. But he chose to marry her and live with her and have two children. He’s chosen to facilitate her being a SAHM to those children and to continue to house her and the children so she is resident parent.

Looking at his choices here might help you to take off your rose tinted goggles about how amazing he is and how this is all the fault of the exW he left 18 months ago who he now wants to pull the rug out from
under her entire life and go back on agreements he had made because he’s decided it would be more convenient to buy a house with you.

I completley agree. In terms of the house for context, he gives her £4k a month and she still asks for additional money as she is in the red. He paid off all her debts, got all the house profits etc. She is not paying the mortgage with the money and going on girls holidays etc. So financially he doesn't want the risk and wants to move on. I do not want to buy a property whilst he is still married.

I am going to talk to him tonight about leaving the relationship as this is right for my mental health and my daughter.

Thank you everyone. Silly, silly me!