Partners ex wont divorce him

[Supernova18]

Hello,

I am wondering if anyone has been in a similar position and can tell me it gets easier. I have been with my partner for almost a year. Our relationship is good. I have a 2 year old from a previous relationship (which was very abusive) and he has 2 young children of 4 and 5 from a 9 year relationship, 3 of which they were married (she was as abusive and continues to be).

His ex left him, but they were living in separate rooms etc for some time and it was incredibly abusive where they had had the talk many times. They have been apart now a year and a half, she has a home and we rent (as he wanted security for his children during the initial split as she does not work and is refusing to work, saying she must be gifted the house.....). She is refusing to sell (he does not want to remortage using his salary as we would like to now buy) she will not also acknowledge the divorce. She threatens to harm herself, she has tried to steal items from our home and as a result she does not know that we officially live together (which I am unhappy about but agree with based on the uncertainty of her reaction) due to her outbursts. About 4 months ago, I found out I was pregnant, and took the awful decision to have an abortion as his ex was so toxic and I myself was being taken to court for a prohibited steps order to block a move over 15 minutes away. I am really struggling with this and having counselling at present.

His ex will not divorce him and he has now submitted to go to court to hopefully be free from this woman. I am really struggling with the fact I feel like the divorce just isn't happening or I can't see the end in sight with it. I can't speak about this as I know he is overwhelmed. She is also constantly asking for money and changing the boundaries with the children.

Thank you!

Your initial post is that she is ‘refusing’ to work and ‘refusing’ to sell but your latest post makes it clear that only 18 months ago he had agreed with her that she should continue to be a SAHM to their children and that he would take on a mortgage to house her and their children.

If you look at it from her point of view, he’s made an agreement with her - and followed through with it. But now he’s met someone else and decided that he can’t be arsed any more. Anyone would be really upset about their husband doing that.

He is now ‘refusing’ to do what he’d previously agreed to do.

Obviously, they should both have sought this to be a formal financial settlement as part of a divorce at the time. But he has made a set of choices here and it doesn’t reflect well on him that he’s pretending it all just happened to him.

If he can afford to give her £4k a month, he’s very wealthy and a very high earner. I bet he’s benefitted from never having to give a single thought to childcare for his two children in that.

You should definitely leave him. You don’t need to live vicariously through his divorce. Your daughter definitely deserves better.

Honestly? I'd walk away. It sounds like you got involved with each other prematurely, before the circumstances were conducive to a new relationship, and, more importantly, before either of you had mentally moved on from your previous abusive relationships.

No one's future should be dictated to by an abusive ex, but to keep them at arms length requires excellent boundaries (sometimes upheld by legal protections), which in turn requires the mental fortitude to first demand and then maintain. That's not easy and for abuse victims (I am one) requires a prolonged period of recovery and reflection.

I would cut your losses and leave and spend your energy focusing on you for a while. You've had a tough time already and this is just going to make it worse. 💐

Exactly!!

It actually sounds like the situation I was in with my exH. He cheated, left and moved in with the DC. I told him if he wanted to divorce me to go ahead but I wasn't doing it.

I had absolutely zero interest in any sort of relationship with him other than co-parenting dc. However, was I hell paying for a divorce that came about as a consequence of his cheating. I also wasn't willing to take on the responsibility of the paperwork and additional stress - I already had the mental load of becoming a newly single parent, running a household on my own, working full time plus explaining to dc why daddy was no longer around very often.

Yes I agree, the money he has given all his savings to her and pushed himself now into debt. She invoices him when he cannot drive/drop them yesterday as a tree had damaged his car. She said he would have to walk the boys in the weather warning if not for an hour or pay her £200 to collect them.

For him I hope he finds peace in his divorce and his children and manages to hopefully resolve the divorce and financials this year with her, so he can move forward in his life when he meets someone. Just this morning, there were 60 messages swearing at him as he wouldn't pay for her to go away in summer £3k.

I feel for you, it's hard when you love someone.

But as someone who's been the woman who's dated a man going through a divorce and ended up really hurt, you are so best to walk away. Let him deal with what he needs too, get himself sorted and if after that you want to reconcile do so.

Something else I've also learnt from my experience is there are 2 sides to every story. She may have her issues but you don't know why or what else has actually gone on.
But I know if my childrens dad was now trying to remove a roof from my childrens head to move in with his new partner i wouldn't be happy. And as a mother yourself you should try understand that.

They have already sorted court due to her threatening to move. There is a 50/50 agreement but he has the boys more. She left him as she could do better and didnt love him anymore

Why is he showing you or telling you about the 60 messages from his ex? Surely you’ve got enough to do bringing up a toddler? How stressful.

Thank you everyone, so much for your kind and supportive words. I am going to talk to him this evening :) x

She can't refuse to sell the house or refuse to divorce. It might take more time but both parties don't have to agree. It may end up going to court but it is possible

Exactly this!

I felt so involved in my exs divorce, I knew every detail and it ended up becoming really unhealthy. I understand honesty but we crossed the lines and it took over our relationship to the point it ruined us.

Also she may have left him etc etc but you don't really know the reasons why. Why did she feel he could better, how did he act? These are questions you need to ask your self OP.

My ex was the most wonderful man when we met and for the first 6/7 months then he started to become different and I actually started to understand more from his ex wife's side.

He has submitted these now that the child custody is sorted. I hope he does manage to sort it all for him, as he has no money and shes already pocketed £200k plus he has said she can keep all money and profits in the house, there just needs to be someone to take over the mortgage so she can keep the home for the children - the response was no, he needed to do this

This is not your problem to solve. I don't know why you are seeing all the messages either, they are not for you so why read them and get bothered by them. Your reality is that if you want to buy somewhere, you are going to have to do it on your own for the foreseeable, but as you don't currently own anywhere, I am assuming you are used to renting anyway.
You can make your life easier by having nothing to do with the divorce, it's not yours after all.

Agree with this.. OP this is a lot of stress and drama over someone you’ve not even known a year. He shouldn’t be dragging you into his issues.

And I can’t help but notice there’s a lot of she did, she said on your posts. Obviously this is coming from him but having dated a man who told me a lot about his ex, it’s NEVER as one sided as they paint it.

The op is choosing to be involved

OP you have taken on far too much its no wonder you are overwhelmed.

A year is really very soon to have decided to move in together, especially when you have come out of an abusive relationship so recently and with a very young child to prioritise. It is obvious you don't have the headspace or mental strength to deal with all this drama (few of us would in your shoes).

Your next steps will make a big difference to you and your DC. Please consider taking a step back from this rleationship or at least, reset the goalposts with respect to living and buying together. Slow down and focus on sorting your problems and leave DP to resolve his with clear boundaries about what you are exposed to.

I wouldn’t do an ultimatum and you don’t need his permission or agreement to split up.

Walk away and you’ll realise what an unnecessary stress and drama you were in. Just bin it all off. He’s not ready to date and neither are you. Focus on yourself and your DD and don’t rush into another relationship till you’ve worked on your boundaries 💐

https://www.thelawsuperstore.co.uk/family/help-and-advice/no-fault-divorce

If he really wants to he can do it easily.

He's paying his Ex £4k a month plus extra.

He is in debt.

Who is paying the rent, utility bills, food, car etc on your joint rental?

@Supernova18 Are his children safe with their mother?

The rent and everything else is 50/50 in our home as this is fair and how I like to be.

The children are safe, although at the moment they are asking to not go back to mum's when she comes to collect them which is hard.

I have decided I will leave, as it is really affecting me mentally

You have to put yourself first and your mental health.

I've been in a very similar situation and it's hard and it hurts, you'll miss him but in time you'll look back and see it better. And also feel as though a weights been lifted.

Look after yourself x

Where are you and your child going to live if you leave? If you end the relationship, it would be easier for him to find another place to stay. You need to prioritise yourself AND your child. You've been through enough. Good luck 💐

With that much money, why the hell didn't he get a decent solicitor?