Partners ex wont divorce him

[Supernova18]

Hello,

I am wondering if anyone has been in a similar position and can tell me it gets easier. I have been with my partner for almost a year. Our relationship is good. I have a 2 year old from a previous relationship (which was very abusive) and he has 2 young children of 4 and 5 from a 9 year relationship, 3 of which they were married (she was as abusive and continues to be).

His ex left him, but they were living in separate rooms etc for some time and it was incredibly abusive where they had had the talk many times. They have been apart now a year and a half, she has a home and we rent (as he wanted security for his children during the initial split as she does not work and is refusing to work, saying she must be gifted the house.....). She is refusing to sell (he does not want to remortage using his salary as we would like to now buy) she will not also acknowledge the divorce. She threatens to harm herself, she has tried to steal items from our home and as a result she does not know that we officially live together (which I am unhappy about but agree with based on the uncertainty of her reaction) due to her outbursts. About 4 months ago, I found out I was pregnant, and took the awful decision to have an abortion as his ex was so toxic and I myself was being taken to court for a prohibited steps order to block a move over 15 minutes away. I am really struggling with this and having counselling at present.

His ex will not divorce him and he has now submitted to go to court to hopefully be free from this woman. I am really struggling with the fact I feel like the divorce just isn't happening or I can't see the end in sight with it. I can't speak about this as I know he is overwhelmed. She is also constantly asking for money and changing the boundaries with the children.

Thank you!

@Supernova18 I don't think you necessarily have to leave the relationship, but you need to not live toghether, not be so intertwined, definitely not buy a place together etc until he is completely done with his divorce and financial settlement. Until then have fun together, date etc if you are still in love with him. You have both just moved way to fast and you now need to take some steps back. There is currently no space for you in this relationship, it's all about him, so keep it casual to see if he makes time for you.

I'd find someone with less baggage & I'd not be falling pregnant to a man I've been with a year when I have a 2 year old.

If he's paying her £4000 per month PLUS the mortgage, or even £4000 including the mortgage, is he a massively high earner? Or are YOU meeting all the costs of your current joint living arrangements?

I agree with @StragglyTinsel He can't pitch this as him having no agency and no choice. He has made certain choices and he needs to own those. I can't help thinking that there's more to it than this because these choices seem so crazy and irrational. Or perhaps they WERE perfectly rational, until he got into another relationship.

So he's given her £200,000, the house and £4000 a month!

I am sceptical that you've been given an accurate account of the situation TBH. But even assuming he is earning enough to make that plausible and that the estranged wife really is that unreasonable, that is an insane lack of boundaries and good judgement over his life. Not good indications for a new relationship.

I have decided I will leave, as it is really affecting me mentally.

It sounds like it's the only way forward tbh. You need to put yourself, and your child first. He needs to put his children first. If she is really this bad then he needs to use all his energy, time and money to get PR status which he won't be able to do if he's distracted with a new girlfriend, a new toddler, a new life.

Your child's and your own wellbeing MUST come first.

Your mental health is suffering.

Therefore your child's wellbeing is compromised.

You're in a potentially precarious financial position - she manipulates and milks him for a great deal of money - this won't end.

It's understandable she wants as much as possible from him for the children - but not to fund her holidays.

We only have your report of his report of her personality and behaviour.

Does he see you as a convenient source of funds right now?

The fact is, if you marry him, everything you own will also be his, and she will then have a claim on YOUR money. Your CHILD'S money.

Distance yourself from them all, for you and your child's sake.

Create a sane and separate home for you and your child.

Wait. If he's worth it, he'll wait for you too while he sorts through this mess.

When it's all sorted out - see if the relationship is still there. If not, it never really was there in the first place.

I hope you can see through this very recent rebound infatuation which is harming you and your child.

Leaving is probably wise.

He rushed into this relationship before he resolved his last. That doesn’t even really matter though because even after the divorce is final, he is going to be co-parenting with his ex for years to come. The drama is not going to end.

This isn't correct.

For the sake of your child, walk away. You do not want to subject either of you to this type of upset, which will go on for years.

If you are recently out of an abusive relationship it's very, very unlikely that you are in any fit state to manage a new one, let alone a new one that brings such complications.