When people say just stop

[Flyhigher]

So sister and DD say just stop when I try to fight back at times.

Sometimes they are very rude/ stressed full of tone.

They have tone and I ask them to be nice, or I get upset and go quiet or I ask them to not have a tone.

They say just stop.

Is there any come back to just stop?

No. There isn't. It's just an ending phrase.

What can you say/do to try to make things better after that?

I feel like I'm being destroyed slowly.

We have lost. And yes it's dysfunctional.

You seem to really misunderstand teens and family dynamics. You’re the parent. It’s not about being right or winning a war.

Then just say 'then no. I won't do what you've asked of me' and walk off

Oh good grief you can't ask a 16 year old about her friends. They don't want to involve you in their friendship conversations. It's normal. If you push she will get mouthy. Again. Normal.

From some of her posts it does almost feel as if OP wants to be a victim.
@Flyhigher your daughter only 'wins' if you let her.

I have just one and I've completely failed. She doesn't talk to us much.

My dd is very similar, we are a ND family, dd has ASD, I am being assessed for ADHD/ASD, ex (DD’s dad) also Aspergers. I have found the teen years hard, though dd1 has always been really argumentative, I can never be right, she has to be right and has to have the final word. Spends a lot of time in her room, grunts a lot, never says thank you for me doing things for her. Luckily she’s now at uni and living away from home but when she comes home it’s pretty much the same. We rarely have a conversation unless I agree and nod to everything she says, if I disagree with anything or try and offer advice it’s wrong.

It does annoy me but it’s not a fact of ‘her winning’ if I don’t argue back, it’s now just a fact of me looking after my own mental health and not giving her the opportunity to disagree with me. I have accepted she doesn’t want to talk much and when she does it’s generally looking for a disagreement. I have a feeling she will eventually stop wanting to be around me at all unless she wants/needs something. Yes it’s sad and I feel I have done all I can. When she’s nice and chatty (rarely) it’s lovely but most of the time I’m probably just an annoyance to her.

Ok then if your teen constantly tells you you are wrong what do you do? Stay silent? Or have a discussion.

What is the dynamic then in the face of teen aggression?

Apologies - I can see that my posts come across as quite rude. I didn’t mean them to.

I can also see that it might work better for some DC to be left to ‘come back’ as it were, rather than dealing with them firmly. I don’t think that would have worked with mine, but I should have acknowledged that it might be counter productive to challenge them firmly.

Teens don’t talk to their parents much. As has already been explained. Find your scintillating conversation elsewhere. Let your teen have their space.

I suppose we all have to make that judgement - does a firm response work better than going softly softly. OP, do you think she will respond better to a firm response that will cause her to think about how she’s talking to you?

Op do you have friends or work colleagues you talk to? I think your expectations of talking with your DD sound a little high.

How is she with her dad? How is your relationship with your DH?

Also just say no to her if she wants you to buy something. You are the parent. You can say no and mean it.

I have started say “let’s just agree to disagree” and then walk away. It hasn’t been easy learning to do this especially when I’m also ND and I know I’m right (or think I am), it’s just the easiest thing to say.

So when your dd say “just stop” I would say “ok, let’s just agree to disagree on this one” and walk away.

@Wolfiefan some harsh/ brutal advice there. Are you a dad?

I'm an academic so I guess at times I try to explain things and impart some knowledge.
Which teens hate. My sister in her 50's is the same as is my Mum. No hugging no learning.

I kind of think that it's embarrassing if she knows nothing of the real world when she goes out.

But that phase is long gone. That was 0- 10.

You say stick to parenting. What is there left then?
Boundaries and repurcussions?

Not sure I know what teen parenting is about. It's a whirlwind of emotion I know that.

Have you considered doing some parenting classes to help you?

Is it possible you come across as a bit of a know it all?

I'm sure your daughter is not completely ignorant of the real world. She'll learn as we all did.

Also it's important to remember that we have something to learn from everyone. Your daughter will also know things that you don't.

I keep trying to say that I am slammed down for having any knowledge at all. She wasn't aware gp's closed at the weekend. And many other practical things. 16 year olds aren't fountains of knowledge!

If they don't talk about school or friends then all you left with is knowledge.

Or celebrity gossip.

I guess I am unrealistic to expect more teen conversation. Just finding it very very hard.

Sure, but it sounds like you talk at her, not with her.

My ds is obsessed with Minecraft and Minecraft YouTubers. I know an insane amount about Minecraft at this point. I can name every big YouTuber who plays Minecraft because of him.

It doesn't necessarily thrill me but I've come to appreciate it..plus he wants to share with me so I'm always up to spend time with him.

If she wants to talk about celebrity gossip then listen. You'll learn more about her just by listening. Plus you'll start to build up a bond.

I'm wondering if you have ever been assessed for autism? I don't normally ask people on here that, but your responses ping my radar.

Regardless of 'rights' or 'wrongs', OP, you sound like you're really struggling and are in a mental health crisis possibly. If you can, I would really recommend getting yourself a therapist. This will be someone you can at least talk to once a week about how you're feeling. You might also want to consider taking some time staying elsewhere - can you get an airbnb somewhere for a couple of weeks? just to have some space from the oppressive atmosphere you're experiencing. Are there things you enjoy which are outside the home? Focus on those for a while. It sounds like you've lost yourself, and need to take proactive steps to return to yourself. Then you can try to recalibrate things with your teen after that - she is much more likely to respect you when you have yourself in a better place.

I’d say, ‘you what?! 😡’ YOU have just said this… or done that…

@Flyhigher

I think we are all a bit ND. Or maybe Covid and social media has sent us all a bit ND.

That is really rude you know. I was born autistic it. I've struggled for 40 years.

I said that my family is all a bit ND. Sorry if you found it rude.

I mean adhd as ND. I think social media has shortened our attention span.

The GP opening hours is not a hill to die on.

If she is saying something wrong (that won't hurt her, such as medicine dosages) then simply respond with something that concludes the conversation without you needing to be overtly right. Eg "gosh I remember when I was 16 and knew everything" or "absolutely darling if that's what you think", or "by all means give that a go". If it sounds like it is dripping in sarcasm all the better. After finding out the hard way she's wrong maybe she will start to listen?

I'm the meantime don't reward rude behaviour. She asks you for money / a lift etc. and she was rude to you earlier simply say no. If she presses, then respond "just no". She will put the pieces together eventually that two can weaponize those words.

Hi OP

Did you realise that the Reply button on Mumsnet doesn't work?

To respond to a post, you need to click on the three dots, and select QUOTE.

I think you're using the Reply button, and your posts are just appearing randomly on the thread. It makes it hard to follow.