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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If I started an argument and became very angry is my partner's response of one-off physical abuse acceptable?

89 replies

PeasePudding2 · 06/01/2024 19:48

After a long afternoon and evening in which a fair amount of alcohol was consumed my partner and I had a bad argument when we got home. I started the argument as I was very fed up at having been left for hours chatting to people I did not know well, who were very drunk themselves and repeating themselves whilst my partner was chatting to various other friends of his. The whole group were friends of his rather than mine. I voiced my irritation in no uncertain terms when we got home. Like the others, I too had drunk too much. My partner started shouting and getting very angry with me for my complaint and ended up pushing me hard so that I fell and hurt myself and a precious heornament broke and I burst into tears. Minutes later he attacked me again because I threw his suit down that he had carefully put into a suit carrier. He doesn't live with me so I shouted at him to leave. He did leave. I am covered in bruises including one on my neck. We have been together for 10 years though we live at different ends of the country. I am not perfect and do have a temper which can flare when I feel I am being treated unfairly. My temper had flared that night. My partner is rather self-centred, not that generous in terms of kindness, very over sensitive to perceived criticism and rather childish - often more like a 14 year old boy than a man of 64. Does my complaint about the evening (being left with boring people) and bad mood on arriving home justify his actions at all?

Apologies for long lengthy explanation.

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 06/01/2024 19:53

He is a dick. LTB

IncompleteSenten · 06/01/2024 19:54

Not even a tiny bit.

savethatkitty · 06/01/2024 19:55

I'd say not. Even if provoked, physical violence is never OK.

Fran2023 · 06/01/2024 19:55

Physical assaults are never acceptable. You were shouting, you made me angry are just excuses for physical abuse.

The only time it is acceptable to push or hit another adult is if they have attacked you first and you can’t get away.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 06/01/2024 19:56

Call the police and report him for abuse. That is in no way acceptable.

Arguing when you did wasn’t great either but he is responsible for his own behaviour.

IncognitoUsername · 06/01/2024 19:56

You are covered in bruises - there’s no coming back from this. How would you ever trust him again?

TheShellBeach · 06/01/2024 19:56

Whatever your argument was about, you should not be covered in bruises as a result of him disagreeing with you.

I'd split up over this, no question.

Aylestone · 06/01/2024 19:56

You are both BU. You don’t sound good for each other

Workingtomorrow · 06/01/2024 19:57

No it doesn’t excuse it.

Overall it sounds like a really shitty relationship to be honest.

Dacadactyl · 06/01/2024 19:57

No he shouldn't have pushed you and nothing justifies it.

Has he never done something similar in the past 10 years? it seems odd in the extreme that after a decade, this is the first time hes put hands on you.

SamW98 · 06/01/2024 19:58

It’s very rarely a one off. Once it happens, it’s far more likely to happen again.

What you’ve described is assault. If he did that to a stranger he’d be arrested and charged so why is it ok to do it to a partner?

confiscatedtables · 06/01/2024 19:58

You both sound awful. What happened just before he pushed you?

JustAboutHangingInThere · 06/01/2024 19:59

Of course not. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

Doggymummar · 06/01/2024 19:59

I hope you reported it? Of course it's not ok!

AyeRightYeAre · 06/01/2024 20:01

It's not ok.

It won't be a one-off. It will happen again.

Report this assault to the police and don't let him back.

Itsinyourhand · 06/01/2024 20:01

It’s not ok. And it never will be. He has shown you who he is. Never see him again.

Wolfiefan · 06/01/2024 20:01

You both need to drink less.
You need to sort your temper out and learn to talk about your emotions without kicking off

But he has covered you in bruises. Nothing you did could ever make that ok. Don’t see him again. The bruising around your neck is a massive red flag.

CharmedCult · 06/01/2024 20:02

You sounds like a toxic twosome.

There is no excuse for anyone laying hands on their partner during an argument.

End the relationship for both of your sakes.

Iknowtheyareusefulstorage · 06/01/2024 20:06

Doesn't matter who started the argument or that there was alcohol involved (and you also need to look at your behaviour when drinking) - there is absolutely no excuse for attacking you and you should not spend any more time with this man.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/01/2024 20:07

It's shocking you even need to ask. Never, ever see this man again.

Rangelife · 06/01/2024 20:07

My ex DH used to get in terrible moods at social events and scream at me. I never physically hurt him in return. It's not a normal response.

PeasePudding2 · 06/01/2024 20:08

Thank you for that. I am sure you are perfect in every way. I am just being honest. I am sure I am not the first person to get irritated after a long long afternoon and evening with people I don't know and were all drinking too much. It was following a funeral, of someone I didn't know, the sister of a friend of my partner.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 06/01/2024 20:09

People get irritated. They don’t all get into flaming rows.

PeasePudding2 · 06/01/2024 20:09

That last message from me was supposed to be in answer to the reply from Confiscated tables. I don't really know how to use Mum's net.

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 06/01/2024 20:10

LTB. Violence is never acceptable, not under these circumstances, not under any.