If I started an argument and became very angry is my partner's response of one-off physical abuse acceptable?

[PeasePudding2]

After a long afternoon and evening in which a fair amount of alcohol was consumed my partner and I had a bad argument when we got home. I started the argument as I was very fed up at having been left for hours chatting to people I did not know well, who were very drunk themselves and repeating themselves whilst my partner was chatting to various other friends of his. The whole group were friends of his rather than mine. I voiced my irritation in no uncertain terms when we got home. Like the others, I too had drunk too much. My partner started shouting and getting very angry with me for my complaint and ended up pushing me hard so that I fell and hurt myself and a precious heornament broke and I burst into tears. Minutes later he attacked me again because I threw his suit down that he had carefully put into a suit carrier. He doesn't live with me so I shouted at him to leave. He did leave. I am covered in bruises including one on my neck. We have been together for 10 years though we live at different ends of the country. I am not perfect and do have a temper which can flare when I feel I am being treated unfairly. My temper had flared that night. My partner is rather self-centred, not that generous in terms of kindness, very over sensitive to perceived criticism and rather childish - often more like a 14 year old boy than a man of 64. Does my complaint about the evening (being left with boring people) and bad mood on arriving home justify his actions at all?

Apologies for long lengthy explanation.

I was saying your DP's response wasn't normal. Not yours! No need to be defensive or rude.

You are well within your rights to say you haven't had a good time & voice that. You are also within your rights to get drunk and grumpy about it. He's not within his rights to hurt you.

Hi OP

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Ah sorry OP, I thought you were replying to me as I was the last message.

Leave him. Of course it was not okay to be physically abusive.

No, stop justifying it. Leave whilst you still can and have sanity. Take this from someone who didn't and justified it, too.

It took me 16 years to get out with my children by him. We walked the fires of hell with the aftermath.

You will think he won't do it again, blah blah! He had, had a drink. Blah blah. You will still be saying that after the 2nd/3rd/4th and so on time.

He doesn't treat you well anyway, putting this aside, from what you have said, so get your stuff and go.

If it's your place, tell him to go. If he won't go, call the police. If you have nowhere to go, ring women's aid

Link to: www.womensaid.org.uk/

This. ^
And maybe control your intake a bit more in your next relationship,

No, it does not excuse his violence.

Never acceptable

Neither of you deserve to be subjected to the other. And he’s worse.

Thank you everyone. I have found these replies really helpful and insightful in the main. I don't know how to use Mum'snet - this is my first time. So my rather pointed reply was only to the Confiscated tables person who said 'You both sound awful'. I know I am not blameless which I why I ventured on here for the first time ever to try and see what other's felt. However, I don't think I am 'awful'.

Yes, I agree . Thank you.

I will add that I think I might be one of the more honest posters here. I have read a lot of the other posts about abuse and it seems to me that the person abused never ever mentions anything they might have done to be annoying to the other. At least I had the honesty to do that in my post.

Sounds like you both have a problem with alcohol and use it to excuse your unpleasant behaviours.

Do either of you have extreme anger issues when you haven’t been drinking?

Have you considered stopping drinking altogether or for a period of at least 6 months?

This is what alcohol does.. just like so many threads on here. People bored because they haven't had a drink... People arguing because they have had a drink.. People getting physically abused because of drink.. People getting killed through alcohol.. just because its legal it doesn't make it right to drink too much .. then suffer the consequences.. grow up.
You both are in the wrong ... it's alcohol that's the enemy.

Yes you didn’t behave well, but nothing justifies violence, I’m sad you don’t know that and need to ask.

Why are people assuming OP has a drink problem? Just because she had too much on one occasion- did I miss a post where it was stated this was a pattern of behaviour?

I don't have a drink problem - I rarely drink. As I have said, the occasion was a wake after a funeral and it went on a long time. My 'drinking too much' would probably be nothing much to most people. I did drink too much for me, in order to get through the event with people I don't know - a confidence boost I suppose. Not an excuse as I should have stopped when I felt I had had too much.

The only acceptable level of any kind of violence is none!

I don't know why you're getting such shitty responses on this thread, OP.

Victim blaming at its finest.

1. Not acceptable. Ever.

1. He sounds like a fuckwit even without the violence.

Thank you TheShellBeach. As I said, I have been honest in my post. No row is ever just caused by one person alone so I told the truth. To be told that I am 'awful' is really hitting below the belt.

Yes. And Mumsnet is usually so helpful to women who are suffering domestic violence.

The trouble is that a lot of posters on here will seize on any opportunity to berate you for drinking alcohol. It's outrageous.

You were covered in bruises FFS.

Absolutely nothing excuses physical violence, especially to the extent of leaving bruises on your neck. That's horrifying behaviour.

Starting a fight over going to the funeral of your partner's friend, and over him daring to need to process a death with fellow mourners, is pretty goddamn low, it has to be said. But it still doesn't excuse violence.

People don't get physically abused because of drink. Alcohol may make people less in control of themselves, but they re still responsible for physically abusing others. There is no level of alcohol that would have made OP's partner's action inevitable or justified.

Yeah you’re not awful, you’re human. Of course it’s unacceptable to be physically aggressive in any circumstance (apart from to defend yourself against an attacker) so I would end this relationship as he had now shown he cannot be trusted on that measure. You also said he was self centred and other stuff so he sounds generally wrong for you.

While you’re reflecting on yourself, I would also draw your attention to what you said about that you ‘ do have a temper which can flare when I feel I am being treated unfairly. My temper had flared that night’. I do too and I have found psychotherapy really good for digging down to where this stems from, and bringing awareness, kindness and compassion to myself when I start to feel that feeling arising in me. I thought I’d mention it in case you wanted to look at your own behaviours with a view to handling injustice in a more ‘adult’ way (and I say adult with no slur on you - I have the same tendency and I understand it to be a ‘child’ mode that I act from if I remain unconscious in the moment).

I hope it helps and I do hope you leave this bloke.