If I started an argument and became very angry is my partner's response of one-off physical abuse acceptable?

[PeasePudding2]

After a long afternoon and evening in which a fair amount of alcohol was consumed my partner and I had a bad argument when we got home. I started the argument as I was very fed up at having been left for hours chatting to people I did not know well, who were very drunk themselves and repeating themselves whilst my partner was chatting to various other friends of his. The whole group were friends of his rather than mine. I voiced my irritation in no uncertain terms when we got home. Like the others, I too had drunk too much. My partner started shouting and getting very angry with me for my complaint and ended up pushing me hard so that I fell and hurt myself and a precious heornament broke and I burst into tears. Minutes later he attacked me again because I threw his suit down that he had carefully put into a suit carrier. He doesn't live with me so I shouted at him to leave. He did leave. I am covered in bruises including one on my neck. We have been together for 10 years though we live at different ends of the country. I am not perfect and do have a temper which can flare when I feel I am being treated unfairly. My temper had flared that night. My partner is rather self-centred, not that generous in terms of kindness, very over sensitive to perceived criticism and rather childish - often more like a 14 year old boy than a man of 64. Does my complaint about the evening (being left with boring people) and bad mood on arriving home justify his actions at all?

Apologies for long lengthy explanation.

The ‘endless socialising’ was because the event was a funeral. For the sister of his friend. Of course he was talking with his bereaved friend and other mutual friends who knew the deceased sister.

I’m not saying the violence was OK. It wasn’t. At all. But at the same time, the OP’s behaviour was not OK. As a separate incident, as a PP usefully defines it.

Everyone has a part to play in everything. However, violence, whatever the situation is, is never acceptable.

My 2nd husband said this to me once when I said some of it would have been my fault regarding the violence;

He said, "Are you ever more fiesty and stroppy with me than eith the ex?" I said "No i dont think so. " He said, "Have I ever hit you?"

The answer to that is "no." My second husband was never violent to me (I say it is "was" because I was widowed 5 years ago)
He said case made.

There is no excuse for your partner violence even if you have been stroppy with him.

Your part now "is to leave him" because if you don't, it will happen again

it is a terrible idea to both drink all afternoon and evening. Of course you are going to argue, the most harmonious couples do.

And FWIW, we both drink and experience shows that too much is the devil

This is about alcohol and nothing else

It’s the coming for you a second time that is worrying, not that I excuse the first time! And after you had fallen from the first stack and enough force to break something.
No one should leave bruises on your neck. Take photos even if you are considering not going to the police

No, I am not implying that. I am sorry for making it sound as though I was.

That is helpful Temple of Bloom, thank you. There were ways in which I could have avoided the situation getting out of hand . After the first 6 hours (1.30-7.30) the 'party' had moved on to a pub and my partner was no longer talking to friends of the deceased person. It was a ridiculous afternoon/evening and I should have left. Instead I stayed on until it all ended (11pm). It sort of seemed rude to leave - it would have been obvious I was leaving and I didn't have a ready excuse to hand. I have never been to such a long and almost inappropriate 'wake'. I did find it inappropriate and I suppose that fuelled my irritation with the whole event.

No. Get rid of him.

You probably need to sort out your anger issues to have a relationship, but this one isn’t functional.

PeasePudding2

Just to say I hope your ok
I can’t imagine a thread like this has exactly helped

but the fact it turned physical and nasty is very very very bad
I can’t imagine how you can move forward after this
Look after yourself

@PeasePudding2

Just for future reference: you can also @ people so that they know who you are replying to. It's an option.

People often drink and socialise for long periods of time at and after funerals.

It sounds like the relationship was coming to a close anyway and his violence surely has rung the death knell on it?

I don't think I'd want to be with someone anyway if I hadn't got to know their friends after 10 years - and if my partner moaned that my friends were boring after 10 years I think I'd realise the relationship was over.

Horrible way for it to all end. I do think you should call it in to the police - he has shown he can be violent and people need warning of that. Take photos of the bruises and call 101.

Hope you're ok.

This has to be the end of the relationship surely. Its never acceptable. Move on, hes shown you who he is.

Nothing you did excuses physical violence from him. Doesn't matter how much you drank, what you said to him etc, he could have walked away but instead chose to physically attack you. He needs to stay gone.

It’s the fact he came back and attacked you a second time that makes this far, far worse.

Not condoning the shove at all but the fact rather than that stopping him in his tracks to think ‘shit what have I done’ and being genuinely remorseful, he actually came back again with an escaping level of violence.

There’s absolutely no coming back from that now even if he grovels on his hands and knees.

I don't think feeling abandoned by being left with strangers is unreasonable of you to raise but it does reflect badly on your partner. He was probably catching up with old friends but still, his lack of consideration for you is not good. For the amount of time you were there, even if having a drink every hour or so, that is quite a bit. It was probably ill advised to bring it up when you were both drunk, but you have already acknowledged that, but I agree it was something that needed saying, just not at that moment.

Can I ask if you are both normally verbally aggressive when you argue and has he EVER been physical with you like this before, even if he threw a punch and diverted it at the last moment? Have you after got physically aggressive with him?

But, there is no reason whatsoever to hit someone unless you are protecting yourself and they have struck first and even then, reasonable force only. His behaviour, if as you described, is totally out of order and is not excused by you being tipsy and rough with the suit in the suit carrier.

Sometimes, people strike out in the midst of anger and if they realise it is wrong, inappropriate and take full responsibility for their error of judgement, there is a way back. I have someone in my family who, in a very extreme situation, hit someone, it was not excusable and he owned it and was deeply ashamed. He NEVER made the mistake again. He 100% took responsibility for the stupidity of his actions and learnt from it.

However, if someone strikes out, does not see it as inappropriate nor takes ownership of the massively unreasonable response, then walk away as there is no guarantee they will not do it again because they don't accept it was wrong in the first place. They blame you for their violence.

Its tough but you need to put your physical and emotional wellbeing first.