If I started an argument and became very angry is my partner's response of one-off physical abuse acceptable?

[PeasePudding2]

After a long afternoon and evening in which a fair amount of alcohol was consumed my partner and I had a bad argument when we got home. I started the argument as I was very fed up at having been left for hours chatting to people I did not know well, who were very drunk themselves and repeating themselves whilst my partner was chatting to various other friends of his. The whole group were friends of his rather than mine. I voiced my irritation in no uncertain terms when we got home. Like the others, I too had drunk too much. My partner started shouting and getting very angry with me for my complaint and ended up pushing me hard so that I fell and hurt myself and a precious heornament broke and I burst into tears. Minutes later he attacked me again because I threw his suit down that he had carefully put into a suit carrier. He doesn't live with me so I shouted at him to leave. He did leave. I am covered in bruises including one on my neck. We have been together for 10 years though we live at different ends of the country. I am not perfect and do have a temper which can flare when I feel I am being treated unfairly. My temper had flared that night. My partner is rather self-centred, not that generous in terms of kindness, very over sensitive to perceived criticism and rather childish - often more like a 14 year old boy than a man of 64. Does my complaint about the evening (being left with boring people) and bad mood on arriving home justify his actions at all?

Apologies for long lengthy explanation.

I’ve not even read your post. No it isn’t. Not ever. There’s never a justifiable excuse. Leave. Report him to the police so that any woman with the sense to run a Claire’s law in future can be warned about him.

You didn't deserve to be treated with violence. I hope you end the relationship.

I think I was probably being unreasonable in being annoyed/irritated by the way the funeral event had panned out. A few people have said that, and I agree with them. They still feel that my partner's response was way out of order though which is helpful to how I will decide to proceed. Thank you, ShellBeach for your support. I am feeling a bit less lost now.

This ☝️

As soon as someone says they were drunk on Mumsnet the pearl clutchers come out to tell you how toxic you are and how you're an alcoholic and need to stop drinking. And it's all your fault for being drunk. It boils my piss!

OP, this was not your fault. Your partner chose to lift his hand to you, you did not make him.

My advice would be to end the relationship for your own sanity and safety. He doesn't sound like a good man.

No. Hes assaulted you.

You getting drunk and starting an argument is one incident. Him assaulting you is a different incident. I would say that the only time one person A should be using force against another person B is if B is attacking A and A is trying to prevent themselves getting hurt.

Nope. People are the issue. Alcohol just fuels it.

I beg to differ. OP was justifiably annoyed because her partner took endlessly socializing with friends and making her wait around. If she had remained stone cold sober the situation would have been at least as annoying. Or are you saying women shouldn't complain to their partners when they're unhappy with how they are treated?

End it. You deserve much much more and this man reacts to his ego being wounded aswell as not controlling himself. It could have been an argument at the top of a staircase. Get out of it OP.

Sorry I disagree with you, she’s all grown up. Not a child to be baby sat. And yes it was alcohol related, she herself said that. She shouldn’t have went if she wants to be stuck with him and he’s not allowed to socialise. But as said. Nothing excuses violence.

My partner is rather self-centred, not that generous in terms of kindness, very over sensitive to perceived criticism and rather childish - often more like a 14 year old boy than a man of 64.

and he attacked you twice…

is there a reason you’re trying to cling on to this man or this relationship? I’d rather be single.

My post came across a bit harsh. It just felt like you were trying to justify his behaviour to decide if you had to accept it because it was potentially your fault. He sounds shit. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.

You getting drunk and starting an argument is one incident. Him assaulting you is a different incident.
Agree with this.
You were drunk and picking a fight and have honestly acknowledged that you've got a bit of a temper.

He was violent and assaulted you.

There is still no excuse for his behaviour.

It's probably best that this relationship ends now so you're not at risk of further violence and before you get into another relationship you give yourself some TLC and get to the bottom of your own issues.

If I started an argument and became very angry is my partner's response of one-off physical abuse acceptable?

No. I read your whole post, but didn’t need to. The answer is always No.

This is never acceptable. You will never trust him again and will always wonder when he'll next lash out. Don't live like that. Leave.

But it wasn't a one off

First he pushed you down, then minutes later attacked you again

End it

It sounds like you had a normal argument after a img and frustrating day, where you were left to talk with strangers.
His response was completely uncalled for and out of control. I've been there. It never gets better.

Never acceptable op! You can't stay in this relationship, you must end it for your own safety.

There is never an excuse for physical violence in a relationship, regardless of whether it was provoked or not. Bin him.

I like the phrasing of it being two incidents.

There is never ever an excuse for violence. You have to ltb. I'd report him if I were you.

It sounded an awful relationship even prior to violence. You need to work out why were you with him and you need to work out why you have a 'temper'.

Agree with @Fannyfiggs & everyone else who has said similar. You need to get rid of him.

Well done you for knowing you might be annoying and start rows but I hope you’re not implying victims of domestic violence do something to annoy the abuser, you’re basically saying they bring it on themselves!

"My partner... ended up pushing me hard so that I fell and hurt myself...minutes later he attacked me again"

"My partner is rather self-centred, not that generous in terms of kindness, very over sensitive to perceived criticism and rather childish - often more like a 14 year old boy than a man of 64"

He sounds really awful. And physical violence is the biggest of big red flags. I'd be running for the hills.

Nothing excuses what he did to you
End the relationship right now
Don't give him to opportunity to hurt you again
Take photos of your injuries now and consider reporting him to the police
Seek medical help if you need it.
Might be helpful for you to ask a friend over to support you

Inexcusable behaviour by him. The fact that he really went for you.

It sounds as if it wasn’t the greatest of a relationship anyway.

You can’t be with someone who attacked you like that.

None of which means it wouldn’t also be useful to reflect on your need for him to be talking to you instead of to friends when the funeral was for his friend’s sister. And why chatting to people you didn’t know well was such an ordeal that you were so needy / angry with him.

But he lost all ground by behaving violently. Ot must have been very shocking.