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Original poster

Too hasty?

109 replies

Cherrypiepieces · 05/01/2024 07:34

I need a sanity check as I am losing the will to live with OLD.
I've met a guy recently on Hinge, we met up on a date, definitely had chemistry and we've been texting a few times since, him always initiating contact.
Then yesterday when we spoke about meeting up, bear in mind this is off the back of a message where he told me he 'can't stop thinking about me at work' I thought sod it, let's just cut to the chase and sort out a second date. So I asked him if he was free, and then he proceeded to tell me 'this weekend I'm meant to be being really productive and doing stuff at home, and you're distracting me' I wasn't sure how to interpret this and think he was trying to be funny, but I mean honestly, your whole weekend you can't find time to meet up with me briefly, even though you are texting me showing me your interested? I just responded to say, let's leave it, and he was quite shocked.
I am just so despairing of these men, if it's not immediate sex chat, it's guys being passive aggressive, or like pulling teeth talking to them.
I also met a narc who I was speaking to for a month who has now ghosted me so I am quite fed up generally and think I will give it a break.
Do you think I've overreacted here? I am really trying to stick to my boundaries, and I am not chopped liver, this guy would be lucky to go out on another date with me!!

OP posts:
Iwishiwasasilentnight · 05/01/2024 07:37

I think you’re potentially over reacting this time. Flirting over text isn’t easy.

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 05/01/2024 07:46

Well I'm not sure, I gave him options of when he could see me and he basically was saying indirectly no, but then asked if I was free next week? It just felt like I was being messed around? Maybe I am overreacting

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 05/01/2024 07:47

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 05/01/2024 07:37

I think you’re potentially over reacting this time. Flirting over text isn’t easy.

I can imagine having a weekend that is so busy, I wouldn't have time to meet for a second date.

Yes, I might have an hour in between doing stuff but I wouldn't be in the right headspace for a date and it's not just the duration of the date to consider, it's the getting ready time, the travelling time, the mental load of going on a date...

Meting for a second date isn't the same as catching a friend for a quick coffee, which I might be able to fit in, especially if he is thinking he'd like a night out or to go somewhere nice with you rather than just meeting briefly for a coffee on the run.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 05/01/2024 07:49

You're overreacting. Not everyone is free on the weekends for a second date, it's hardly bish bosh bash for a hour and done.

BethDuttonsTwin · 05/01/2024 07:51

I think you’re absolutely spot on in your reaction to this. Who’s got time for all this game playing and endless text messsging? If you like someone then you want to see them and progress things. if there’s no sign of that then move on.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 05/01/2024 07:51

Yeah but he’s showing house work is more important than a second date…. Meh….. I’d feel the same too. Bit pathetic of him tbh,

Newlydivorcedyay · 05/01/2024 07:54

I think he was trying (badly) to say, he had stuff to do planned but (badly worded compliment) you are distracting him and he would like to see you instead. So he was surprised when you said to leave it.

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 05/01/2024 07:55

GreyCarpet · 05/01/2024 07:47

I can imagine having a weekend that is so busy, I wouldn't have time to meet for a second date.

Yes, I might have an hour in between doing stuff but I wouldn't be in the right headspace for a date and it's not just the duration of the date to consider, it's the getting ready time, the travelling time, the mental load of going on a date...

Meting for a second date isn't the same as catching a friend for a quick coffee, which I might be able to fit in, especially if he is thinking he'd like a night out or to go somewhere nice with you rather than just meeting briefly for a coffee on the run.

Show quote history

I don’t think he was trying to say he was too busy. I think he was saying I had planned a quiet weekend sorting stuff out but now I’m being tempted to change my plans by a much better offer. I think he could just be shite at texting.

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 05/01/2024 08:04

Yes maybe, but the scenario was, let's meet up, ok he asked when I was free (this weekend) he then proceeded to tell me, I'm doing 'organising in my house this weekend' but are you free next week? How am I not meant to interpret that as he would rather do whatever he needs to do than see me? I mean bear in mind this is 2nd date in so I'm not going to be messed around that early, especially if I have other guys that do actually want to meet. Surely this is the time to realise my self worth and boundaries by saying thanks but no thanks?

OP posts:
Noroomontheshelf · 05/01/2024 08:05

I think he has plans for this weekend so he’s asking if you could meet a few days later when he does not have plans.

Its not great that he has second bested you for house chores, I wouldn’t be impressed by that, but he probably isn’t thinking of it like that.

Or he’s married. Or he’s seeing someone else this weekend. Who knows?

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 05/01/2024 08:06

So he wanted to arrange a second date with you but it wasn’t quick enough for you? It’s January and the first week for many people, he may have wanted to need to relax and chill or be waiting until after pay day.

BIossomtoes · 05/01/2024 08:11

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 05/01/2024 08:06

So he wanted to arrange a second date with you but it wasn’t quick enough for you? It’s January and the first week for many people, he may have wanted to need to relax and chill or be waiting until after pay day.

It’s the 5th, pay day is three weeks away. I agree with@BethDuttonsTwin.

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 05/01/2024 08:15

No ok for some more context, he is quite a bit younger than me, I'm 44 he is 30, and this is more likely a fwb arrangement than anything long term, I am absolutely fine with this as I am just enjoying dating and meeting guys at the moment but I'm still not going to be dicked around for a date whatever the circumstances are.

OP posts:
SamW98 · 05/01/2024 08:20

It’s a hard one. He could genuinely have plans for this weekend but his wording wasn’t great and I’d feel same as you.

Tbh my thoughts are he may have another date lined up this weekend.

Id say maybe just say ok and agree to meet next weekend instead - if he then hesitates or changes his mind then bin him off.

I always think let them have once chance before deciding they’re not worth it.

OrlandointheWilderness · 05/01/2024 08:22

Saying he couldn't make this weekend for whatever reason isn't dicking you about. He could have other plans he doesn't feel a burning need to tell you about, sorting his house could involve any number of things or he may not want to do anything this weekend. He came back with a date he could do, I don't see the issue? He isn't at your beck and call, he has a life outside of you especially this early on!!

highlo · 05/01/2024 08:28

If he had said he had plans with a mate/family/hobby/work commitments u wouldn't give it a 2nd thought.

Being 2nd choice to housework wouldn't make me feel great.

I'd think either:

  1. He's not that keen after all as he'd rather do anything else but see me Or
  2. He has other plans he doesn't want to discuss with me (other date already arranged etc). Again shouldn't be an issue as you're no exclusive but at same time wouldn't make me feel great
TheCadoganArms · 05/01/2024 08:28

It should not be this hard this early on in this process.

Personally when I was OLD I always organised my first and second dates on a week day, never at weekends as quite frankly the 'failure rate' of dates was high and my weekends are quite precious to me and I would rather spend them with friends.

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 05/01/2024 08:29

I know that, but I also have a life, and if a guy is texting showing he's keen but when it comes down the crunch doesn't actually want to meet, yet you have other guys asking you out on dates, who are you going to prioritise? I don't know if any of you are actively dating but it is hard work and you do get exhausted. I know my boundaries and I am going to stick to them.

OP posts:
AgnesX · 05/01/2024 08:33

I wouldn't be impressed by being second to sorting the house. New relationships (used to be) things to drop mundane things for. I'd expect to be further up the list of priorities.

Being a FWB maybe doesn't fall into that category though.

occhiazzurri · 05/01/2024 08:36

This isn’t dating for a relationship or anything remotely serious so I think it is an overreaction since you can’t really expect someone to prioritise a FWB or similar situation over other plans on the weekend. They also likely have plenty of other options for the weekend and are just choosing those. You have the information you need to move on. And yes, trying to date/meet someone 14 years younger is always going to be very hard work, I doubt it would be different with anyone else at the same age.

GreyCarpet · 05/01/2024 08:54

How am I not meant to interpret that as he would rather do whatever he needs to do than see me?

I wouldn't see it like that tbh.

He is a whole person, with a whole life that existed before you, alongside you and will continue to exist without you.

If I had plans - whatever those plans were - I wouldn't cancel them for someone who was, essentially, a stranger to me. And certainly not if those plans would have a positive impact on me for the following week.

Yes, people should be a priority in their partner's life but not the only priority and not really a priority at all if its only an fwb situation.

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 05/01/2024 08:54

Yeah I don't agree, regardless of the circumstances I just think it comes down to respect and how it makes you feel, my gut reaction when he said he has stuff to do didn't make me feel good so surely that's enough to tell me. And if you can't have self confidence and know your worth, even if it's a fwb situation I just think you'll end up feeling worthless all the time. You can still have your boundaries, even in these scenarios, I'm not asking him to prioritise me over anything, it was more the way it was communicated, 'oh I can't stop thinking about you ', great, want to meet? 'oh no I can't I have housework to do', ok bye then!

OP posts:
JamSandle · 05/01/2024 08:56

BethDuttonsTwin · 05/01/2024 07:51

I think you’re absolutely spot on in your reaction to this. Who’s got time for all this game playing and endless text messsging? If you like someone then you want to see them and progress things. if there’s no sign of that then move on.

I agree.

When you both are really interested your hormones usually make you want to drop what you're doing anyway if possible!

JamSandle · 05/01/2024 08:58

Also a lot of people on apps are talkers. They like talking about what might happen but don't take action. And that's boring and frustrating after a while. If you want to actually meet and someone is just dithering about messaging it's a waste of time.

Original poster
Cherrypiepieces · 05/01/2024 09:04

Yup, exactly, this is where you need to drill down to the ones that aren't time wasters and every time it happens it feels disappointing.

OP posts: