Too hasty?

[Cherrypiepieces]

I need a sanity check as I am losing the will to live with OLD.
I've met a guy recently on Hinge, we met up on a date, definitely had chemistry and we've been texting a few times since, him always initiating contact.
Then yesterday when we spoke about meeting up, bear in mind this is off the back of a message where he told me he 'can't stop thinking about me at work' I thought sod it, let's just cut to the chase and sort out a second date. So I asked him if he was free, and then he proceeded to tell me 'this weekend I'm meant to be being really productive and doing stuff at home, and you're distracting me' I wasn't sure how to interpret this and think he was trying to be funny, but I mean honestly, your whole weekend you can't find time to meet up with me briefly, even though you are texting me showing me your interested? I just responded to say, let's leave it, and he was quite shocked.
I am just so despairing of these men, if it's not immediate sex chat, it's guys being passive aggressive, or like pulling teeth talking to them.
I also met a narc who I was speaking to for a month who has now ghosted me so I am quite fed up generally and think I will give it a break.
Do you think I've overreacted here? I am really trying to stick to my boundaries, and I am not chopped liver, this guy would be lucky to go out on another date with me!!

I don’t think he has done anything wrong.. it’s Friday and you’re expecting him to drop plans and see you this weekend? That’s really short notice. He did suggest an alternative and is obviously interested but perhaps is trying to pace things a bit. Which seems sensible to me.

Yep ok, I appreciate that, maybe I am being a bit harsh on him, and he has his boundaries too which should be respected. I'll reflect on it. I'm learning as I go.
And GreyCarpet, I absolutely get where you are coming from with what you are saying, but honestly are you saying you're going to waste so much mental energy entertaining or thinking about what/why/how someone might want to meet you to not, surely it's not worth it at this stage.

This was Thursday and you are upset because he can't make it this weekend?

Urgh no, couldn't be bothered with that.

I didn't see this post before I posted - with a FWB arrangement then this is even clearer. You meet when it is convenient to both. It wasn't for him and he said so but you didn't like the answer. That's what it's like with a FWB.

I'm NOT upset about anything, I'm just trying to gauge which of these guys are worth me bothering my time for!! I simply responded 'ok no worries I think let's leave it'. I think that's quite a reasonable response. And call me old fashioned but I'd quite like a guy to do a bit of chasing of me! Maybe I am high maintenance but I honestly don't really care at this stage in my life!

OP, you’ve written some version of ‘know your worth’ and ‘boundaries’ about a million times. I really don’t think either of those things are applicable here.

You're cross because he didn’t make himself available according to your desired schedule and suggested next week, instead. That’s not ‘knowing your worth’. That’s rank entitlement.

He’s not been flaky. It’s very possible that he did want to see you again (it’s unlikely this is still the case). That does not mean that, after one date, you are of greater importance than whatever else he has planned for this weekend. The fact that you require him to place the opportunity to meet you above all else and seem genuinely outraged that he didn’t is, once again, rank entitlement.

I really enjoyed OLD. I had a great time, met some lovely men and eventually met and married my DH. If, at any point, a man had EVER had a strop because I didn’t immediately drop my existing plans (even if said plans consisted of washing my hair and eating cheese) to meet him, I’d have thought he was insane.

But you flouncing after him not being available when you want when it was the first suggestion of a second date isn’t about you having self worth and self respect. If he bails on you next week, then yes, don’t waste your time anymore. But it was the first attempt at arranging a second date and you essentially got stroppy because he didn’t make himself available when you wanted him to be. Honestly, if a friend had that from a guy, I would see it as a red flag

Dating is a minefield, especially online dating - so many of us have been there. But what he did really isn’t a crime. He said he’s not available this weekend, but suggested next week, and that’s perfectly normal.

You seem to not understand how a FWB relationship works. You are talking as if this is a relationship that is looking to go somewhere.

It translates as "ooo look at me I am so important, with my important things, maybe if you are lucky I can squeeze you in to my important life?"

Fair enough if he is busy but he didn't have to make that comment, could have said sorry not able to do this weekend can we do X?

I couldn't be arsed OP and had similar teeth pulling experiences when I was single.

YANBU to want someone who seems keen to see you not like it's such a trouble to fit you in. The endless penpalling is just URGH.

This.

he is no being unreasonable for not being free but trust your gut as to if he is a time waster or not

Lol at insane. No sorry, I am 100% not insane, and I am 100% not going to let a 30 year old guy who has met me once to then be flakey after chasing me. Rank entitlement or not, whatever you think, speak to any women who is dating, it DOES become a power struggle, it's hard wired in us. And women still want to be chased, even a little bit. You can say I'm showing red flags by banging on about self worth and boundaries, but read the context of what I said. I will be hard work because I have been treated very badly by men in my past relationships, these are my boundaries and I will not apologise for them. And if a total stranger, man or otherwise thinks I'm insane, I honestly don't care as I know I'm not the insane one in this scenario.

Did he reply?

I mean I think tabu to only date guys who have empty diaries or who are willing to sack off everyone else because you called BUT yanbu to actively live by the standards you set. You don't owe his a date.

@Cherrypiepieces however you said it was a FWB scenario and in that case the rules are different. You seem to be expecting a "normal relationship response" to what is a FWB where you keep your feelings to yourself and where both of you can say yes or no at any time. I don't think this scenario is for you as FWB should not cause emotional issues.

Again, there’s nothing flaky about not immediately being available and suggesting an alternative. It’s perfectly normal behaviour.

If being chased is important to you, then let them chase you. Don’t suggest dates at all and wait to be asked. If they don’t ask, then stop engaging. This is the opposite of what you’re currently doing, which is ricocheting between keen and thwarted.

You’re not coming across as particularly ready to date, tbh. And, certainly not ready for FWB, which requires a whole different level of emotional robustness.

You’re not really engaging with what’s being said to you. What was the point of this post?

@LusaBatoosa This. Absolutely spot on.

I don't think you've done anything wrong at all OP. He wasn't busy all weekend, he has planned to organise his house. He still needs to eat, dinner or a drink Saturday night wouldn't interfere if he wanted to fit it in.

You didn't like his vibe so you politely ended it, absolutely nothing wrong with that at all.

Tbh, I was just giving you a list of all the things I've got to do this weekend! 🤣 plus some work for Monday on top 🙈

But, if someone suggested meeting briefly over the weekend for a second date, tbh, I'd say no, tell them I had a lot on and suggest meeting up in the week. So I'd also extend the same courtesy to someone else. Once.

I know you feel its a poor excuse but maybe it's the truth and he would rather you think he was being a bit boring and know he was prioritising house stuff than going out with another woman. Who knows!

I wouldn't tie myself up in knots excusing and reasoning out shitty behaviour but I don't think this constitutes that.

Except that you don't know jes going for a drink on Saturday might and 10 mins out of a hectic schedule to make beans on toast or whatever isn't the same as going on a date.

I think you’ve completely misinterpreted the text - surely he’s joking in a kind of “ive got stuff to do and I can’t stop thinking about you” wink-wink kind of way?

Humour often doesn’t come across well over texts.

That’s probably why he was so shocked - he was joking and you got it all wrong.

If being chased is important to you, then let them chase you. Don’t suggest dates at all and wait to be asked. If they don’t ask, then stop engaging. This is the opposite of what you’re currently doing, which is ricocheting between keen and thwarted.

I think this is a valid point, tbh.

If you were confident in your decision, you wouldn't even have thought about posting here.

I'm sorry maybe I am coming across as a bit defensive but I genuinely do take on the advice here, even if I don't necessarily agree with it off the bat, it still helps me process if I am being unreasonable or not.
I don't know I think maybe I haven't healed from my previous relationship and the narc I met really did screw me over mentally, so maybe I've been a bit hard on this guy. I do think it's a bit hard saying I'm acting insanely though, I think the guys that are worthwhile will have the right perception of you regardless and I think being cautious, having boundaries should be qualities you respect in another person, not see as that person being mental.

You need thick skin to be in the online dating world. As you said, it is just a numbers game, and you are one of many other potential dates out there. You will likely meet more narcs, and that’s when having strong boundaries is essential.

However, this guy didn’t do anything wrong. He was simply unavailable when you wanted him to be, but he suggested an alternative, and that’s what makes a difference and shows hes keen on some level.

I think the guys that are worthwhile will have the right perception of you regardless

What does this mean? He’s a potential FWB, what does ‘worthwhile’ mean in that context? All you really need him to be is pleasant, respectful and good in bed. And will have have the right perception of you (meaning what?) regardless of what?

I think being cautious, having boundaries should be qualities you respect in another person

People so respect those qualities. However, that’s not what you’ve done here. As has been explained to you by multiple people.