Too hasty?

[Cherrypiepieces]

I need a sanity check as I am losing the will to live with OLD.
I've met a guy recently on Hinge, we met up on a date, definitely had chemistry and we've been texting a few times since, him always initiating contact.
Then yesterday when we spoke about meeting up, bear in mind this is off the back of a message where he told me he 'can't stop thinking about me at work' I thought sod it, let's just cut to the chase and sort out a second date. So I asked him if he was free, and then he proceeded to tell me 'this weekend I'm meant to be being really productive and doing stuff at home, and you're distracting me' I wasn't sure how to interpret this and think he was trying to be funny, but I mean honestly, your whole weekend you can't find time to meet up with me briefly, even though you are texting me showing me your interested? I just responded to say, let's leave it, and he was quite shocked.
I am just so despairing of these men, if it's not immediate sex chat, it's guys being passive aggressive, or like pulling teeth talking to them.
I also met a narc who I was speaking to for a month who has now ghosted me so I am quite fed up generally and think I will give it a break.
Do you think I've overreacted here? I am really trying to stick to my boundaries, and I am not chopped liver, this guy would be lucky to go out on another date with me!!

OP I get it when something triggers your past experience.
I dated a gaslighting narc on the rebound from my XDH and I found it very hard to date at first as I saw red flags everywhere.

I do remember a guy saying he would call me then didn’t and I sent him an arsey message about not being treated like this etc etc - he replied next morning explaining he’d been with his dad who has dementia, there had been a situation and he had been stressed and exhausted. He apologised for not letting me know and called later that evening.

I told him I’d been triggered because it had happened to me before and he replied ‘but I haven’t done it have it. You can’t judge everyone by your ex’ and that really hit home and made me give people more of a chance rather than immediately presume the worst.

So while I don’t think the way this guy worded it was great, personally I would say, if you like him, take him up on his offer of next weekend and don’t always presume the worst.

As I said upthread, I wouldn’t cancel pre arranged plans for a date, I would do exactly what he’s done and offer an alternative time that works for both. and actually I would rather someone have a busy life than be sat home doing nothing other than putting all their hopes into a date.

Ok maybe I should go back to him then, that's if he doesn't think I'm insane now 🤣

@Bature , and some posters have also agreed with me, so it's a split isn't it? We all have different styles and techniques when it comes to dating don't we? If i flip this on it's head, and I was the one who had been keener, chasing etc then i was a bit wishy washy about meeting, I think on reflection I would have appreciated someone just saying, don't worry about it, and I would have understood why they might have felt like I was giving them mixed messages. I am a massive overthinker but fundamentally as I said, you have to gauge in life what is worth giving your mental energy to or not, am I going to continue pursuing a fwb situation that is already making me feel uncomfortable, no, it's quite black and white to me.

The majority of people haven’t agreed with you. It’s nowhere near ‘split’.

And that doesn’t actually address anything that was in my comment. It sort of feels like you aren’t properly reading what people are saying.

Sorry I think I am, I read what you wrote, you don't agree that my behaviour means I am having boundaries, you're in the camp that thinks I'm insane. I'm not disagreeing with you, like I said, I take it all on board as maybe I am not ready to date and I haven't handled this well and I have been overly harsh on this guy, but that is why I have posted to try and get some help figuring that out.
I can also be a massive self sabotager, but I STILL maintain that if a guy really thinks you are worth his time, then he will make time? That's quite a simple equation isn't it? And I hear that a lot on here.

You refer to dating this guy, but also claim you want FWB.

Hand on heart, which one is it? As I can’t help but think it’s the former but you’re convincing yourself it’s the latter.

THIS
when a guy is interested- he won't leave you alone ....

@Evanesy you might be right, the truth is I don't really know what I want and that's probably why I'm in this situation

Oh, you’re definitely self sabotaging. But, I’m referring to the actual questions. This bit: What does this mean? He’s a potential FWB, what does ‘worthwhile’ mean in that context? All you really need him to be is pleasant, respectful and good in bed. And will have have the right perception of you (meaning what?) regardless of what?

Also, about this:

I STILL maintain that if a guy really thinks you are worth his time, then he will make time? That's quite a simple equation isn't it? And I hear that a lot on here.

Sure, if he was trying to pursue a relationship with you/thought you’d be his next girlfriend/possible life partner. Why would he (or anyone) make that sort of effort for a potential FWB? Would you change your weekend plans for potential FWB, out of interest?

OP - while I agree if someone is interested they will make time for you, I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect them to change pre arranged plans especially at short notice. I certainly wouldn’t even if I was really keen on someone - I’d do exactly what this guy has done and offer an alternative that works for you both.

I do think you’ve jumped to conclusions too quickly here and maybe just give him the chance to make the date he’s offered. If he first you’ve got your answer but I think rejecting him for not being free immediately is a bit unreasonable tbh.

Well it’s also perfectly acceptable to simply see how it goes, but as long as you are both on the same page.

@Bature what does this mean? He’s a potential FWB, what does ‘worthwhile’ mean in that context? All you really need him to be is pleasant, respectful and good in bed. And will have have the right perception of you (meaning what?) regardless of what?

Because if I'm honest, I guess as a 44 year old woman maybe I think deep down I am degrading myself a bit by even agreeing to a fwb arrangement like this, so I am trying to make him see my worth, when you're right, why should he care. I think I've answered my own question 🤣

I think with the way you approach dating, you're going to struggle to find anyone.
One date and it's a friend with benefits, you've not even managed to arrange a second date yet.
Second dates are best arranged whilst on the first date. People not calling you back or ghosting is entirely normal. It's best to view dating as a fun way to pass the time, an extension of your social life. Don't place personal expectations on the other who you don't even know.

You are not degrading yourself by entering a FWB arrangement. Women have needs too, whether they be physical or emotional, and there’s nothing wrong with looking to satisfy them.

Don’t take this the wrong way OP but deep down do you think you’re settling for a FWB because you’ve not found anyone who you think is worth a relationship on OLD yet?

Im not insulting you as I understand and I thought about the same thing but end of day my heart wasn’t really in it and I realised that wasn’t what I actually wanted deep down it was just scratching an itch and it wasn’t right for me. Maybe that’s what your gut is telling you, that this arrangement isnt really for you.

OP I know how you feel. It’s annoying when men say ‘I can’t stop thinking about you’ etc and then you say you’re free and they revert to ‘oh I can’t at the moment as my bins need washing’ etc — it just doesn’t match and feels manipulative and like they’re getting you on the back foot. Even if they’re not intending to.

Am I reading this correctly-

date 1 went well, you continue to text through the week, always him texting you first.

you suggest meeting up this weekend (on Thursday)

he says he is busy this weekend but offers an alternative suggestion for meeting up.

you bin him off.

I don’t understand why you think he is being wish washy. He offered an alternative date that he could do. He is busy this weekend and doesn’t have to justify every minute of that to someone he has met once. He offered an alternative so seems keen to lock a date in. Just not the date you unilaterally decided was the only acceptable one.

Absolutely bonkers. Poor guy!

I think OP is describing how it feels when there is a kind of romantic crescendo over text that isn’t followed through or matched in real life. Especially to people who have been in manipulate relationships it feels really uncomfortable. Almost like having a panic attack, and OP sounds like she’s buzzing with stress. It’s a shame but it does happen.

OP it might be really important for you to find someone who is extremely transparent and where words match actions precisely.

Reread what I have written, ok here is the context. Yes he's texted me multiple times, then I asked when he was free, he then responded saying 'i'm meant to be tidying and organising my house this weekend" on what planet would any woman read that and think, oh ok then, you go and organise your house and I'll see you when you have nothing better to do. So therefore keen as mustard, to cool and then probably to being ghosted. I'm sorry but if that makes me batshit mental, than I am 100% ok with that label as I just don't agree that is not being flakey or uninterested. Calling another woman 'bonkers" and 'insane" because they are not allowing themselves to be messed around by a guy in the early stages of dating, to me is the mental behaviour.

Actually this. I can see this.

Regardless. I don’t think OP is in the place for FWB. You have to be in a really good place mentally, emotionally and socially for the constant detachment, no demand making, no expectation and low priority that you are to each other in a FWB situation.

Yup I agree @daysoff, and that's what I'm starting to realise here, I'm not ready for it and it's not what I want or need. But regardless of that, this guy has made me feel a bit stupid maybe by making me feel he like he was pursuing me, maybe that's another issue I've got here. It hasn't started off well and probably won't continue that way and maybe that's why I've self sabotaged it a bit subconsciously.

I agee op
how long does it take to organise his house.
if he spent a full 8 hours - he then could go on a nice date with op.
Unless he was doing renovations….who spends a full weekend tidying?

Saying he’s thinking about you all the time could actually be love bombing
saying what he thinks you want to hear….when you respond with an actual date / effort on his part he’s busy (got another date lined up.

Thank you @TammyJones , so imagine you are feeling a bit hyped up after being let down or been speaking to a few sleazy guys and you think, ok this guy is maybe only casual but still seems keen and EVEN THEN, the guy responds in a flakey way, doesn't make you feel good, at all.