Too hasty?

[Cherrypiepieces]

I need a sanity check as I am losing the will to live with OLD.
I've met a guy recently on Hinge, we met up on a date, definitely had chemistry and we've been texting a few times since, him always initiating contact.
Then yesterday when we spoke about meeting up, bear in mind this is off the back of a message where he told me he 'can't stop thinking about me at work' I thought sod it, let's just cut to the chase and sort out a second date. So I asked him if he was free, and then he proceeded to tell me 'this weekend I'm meant to be being really productive and doing stuff at home, and you're distracting me' I wasn't sure how to interpret this and think he was trying to be funny, but I mean honestly, your whole weekend you can't find time to meet up with me briefly, even though you are texting me showing me your interested? I just responded to say, let's leave it, and he was quite shocked.
I am just so despairing of these men, if it's not immediate sex chat, it's guys being passive aggressive, or like pulling teeth talking to them.
I also met a narc who I was speaking to for a month who has now ghosted me so I am quite fed up generally and think I will give it a break.
Do you think I've overreacted here? I am really trying to stick to my boundaries, and I am not chopped liver, this guy would be lucky to go out on another date with me!!

I’ve dated recently - currently taking a break - and both parties need to accept the other often has plans and it’s about compromising with each other.

If I had plans, I wouldn’t drop them for someone I was chatting to online. However I would say ‘really sorry I’ve already got plans for Saturday, how about xxxxx (another day)

Though I think there’s a big difference between already being on a or planned night out and just saying ‘I’m doing housework’ - the first yes that’s very valid not to cancel, the latter i would think hmm are you really that interested’

I’m currently experiencing a very similar situation, except the person I’m trying to meet for a 2nd date has told me they’re busy on the days I’ve suggested but hasn’t come back with any alternatives.

I have no problem with someone being busy and don’t expect to be their priority so early on, but the lack of reciprocity around availability is where the boundary lies for me and therefore I’m out.

I think your guy deserves a chance on the basis he’s at least tried to set up an alternative time/date.

You are massively overreacting. You suggested this weekend and he can’t do it, but suggested an alternative. He is not at your beck and call that he must plan things on your terms. If he just gave you an excuse I would get it, but you wanting to meet at short notice and him not being available is hardly a red flag. If anything, it’s your flouncing that’s immature here.

That said, if it’s just a FWB thing you’re after rather than something serious, cut your losses and move on.

I don't think I'm being immature at all, having boundaries is immature? How about please don't waste my time texting me all week insinuating you're thinking about me but you can't actually be arsed to meet me? That's not flouncing, that's me knowing my worth.

Also sorry, I feel like I have to defend myself a bit here, bear in mind, this isn't the first guy I've been speaking to, I've already had one guy cancel a first date on me (he turned out to be the narc), several others chat then disappear, and the rest are clearly after a shag as they are straight in with the sex chat. So I feel jaded generally about men, but I think my gut tells me when someone is worth the effort, and when the effort I'm putting in is reciprocated. In this case, I don't believe it was so therefore I'm out.

I agree with you OP.

So OP is he said he was already out with friends this weekend rather than doing housework would you still feel the same?

But he suggested an alternative. You just want him to be available when you want him to be. If he flakes on the alternative I would get it, but it’s a second date and he suggested an alternative.

I wonder if he's having second thoughts about the age difference .. I can't imagine many 30 year old men spending the weekend 'sorting out their house' ... I have an adult DS and that's the last thing he'd been doing at weekends ....

A different excuse maybe, like I said it was the way it was communicated to me and the way it made me feel. You get built up by thinking, oh this guy likes me, maybe he's worth bothering with etc etc then boom, oh no I can't be bothered to see you this weekend as 'i have stuff to do', how would you react? At this stage in dating it's a numbers game, if you go in with the mindset thinking these guys are doing you a favour by giving up some of their precious time to see you, surely you'll always be on the back foot? I don't agree, I hear this so many times from friends of mine who are dating as well, as women we need to know our worth and honestly the majority of these guys aren't even worth any of our time.

So he's told you he's busy this weekend but gave you an option to meet next week. What's wrong with that? It's not as if you're in a long term relationship with him.

I'm sorry but you sound high maintenance!

It works both ways though and he’s offered you another day. I personally wouldn’t cancel pre booked plans nor would I expect someone else to.
We all have lives going on and as we get older we understand that we all have other commitments and it’s about working within those. It’s nothing to do with them doing you a favour, it’s accepting you both have lives outside of dating and finding a a middle ground.

Personally if someone expected me to cancel my plans to meet up at short notice, I’d see that as a red flag that they would be too demanding for me, especially for a fairly casual relationship.

I'm really not, I am just sick of guys dangling a carrot and then not following through. The whole point is, THIS early on is when you need to weed them out. If that makes me high maintenance, then I'm ok with that, as I'm pretty sure it means I won't continue to get messed around by guys that don't value my time or can't see my worth.

Yes I am demanding in the respect that my time is precious and other people want to date me, not just you!! Know your worth!

Having read your update I think YABU.

if this was a date with view to an actual relationship then YANBU.

But it’s not. It’s FWB. FWB is an arrangement of mutual convenience. You fit each other in around your own commitments. That’s how it works. You aren’t each other’s priority. You are each other’s convenience.

But you want FWB.

Your worth is a fuck when it’s convenient. And that’s what he is to you.

If you don’t like that, if you want all the consideration that comes with a relationship, then look for a relationship.

Fair enough, but you see because it is FWB it's even more reason for me not to deal with a flake. Honestly, you have to be out there living and breathing dating to appreciate how soul destroying it can be. When you continually get messed around by men who are mediocre at best, your walls go up even higher. I am 44 with 2 kids, I feel confident this is the right decision for me, especially off the back of coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship, I am sticking to my guns when it comes to any man, in ANY circumstances making me feel unworthy.

he is painting the twins bedroom this weekend,
Sunday the inlaws are coming for lunch and FiL is helping him
to erect the new bunk beds, but he is ok for next week, cos the
missus is 8 months gone now and unwilling

Expecting people to change their plans at short notice is not knowing your worth. I’ve chatted to guys and had to tell them I’ve got plans the next couple of weekends and offered another date that works for us both. If they started getting the hump because I wouldn’t cancel pre booked plans to accommodate them just because they were free that would be huge red fiag that they were setting the tone to expect me to jump to their demands and that’s not a reasonable expectation.

People have lives and plans - dating fits in around that

Good for you. I had a conversation with a 29 year old woman this week. She’s single, no kids, beautiful and intelligent and she was bemoaning the quality of men out there. “Flaky and entitled” was her description. Dating was a minefield when I last did it 25 years ago, it sounds far, far worse now.

OP - there is a famous Glaswegian saying you might like to ponder,
or for anyone else willingly aurally seduced, this is inclusive :

words cost nothing

Thank you 🙏 I'm surprised at some of the reactions here, I will never apologise for having self respect and self worth. Flaky and entitled is absolutely spot on.

Ultimately, OP, it's up to you and your choice.
I don't think anyone here really cares whether you give this guy a chance or not it's more about you reflecting.

You posted on here to ask. Unless you were just expecting ,"Go girl! All men are arseholes!" type responses, you must expected some people to suggest you were too hasty. Given that the title of your thread was 'Too hasty?' n all.

You're obviously right that boundaries are important, and you should know your worth, but he did suggest an alternative and I agree with the poster who said you just want him to be available when you are.

Someone can still be keen on you and looking forward to meeting you and still have plans that mean they are unavailable. Remember, other people have boundaries too!

Imagine this scenario.

You've done a bit of clearing out over the Christmas period. Your house is looking a bit of a tip and you've mentally planned to do a couple of tips runs this weekend; take some stuff to the charity shop, organise the cupboard under the stairs (that you've already being putting off since the summer); you have half a mind to clear out the shed if you have time; you've got to put the tree and christmas decs away in the shed anyway and that would be a perfect time to sort it out before the spring and while the weather is nice before the snow hits; you've got laundry to do, shopping to do; you're anticipating being physically tired and probably a bit of a mess appearance wise; the mental load of planning when to do this and in what order over the weekend is filling your head; you've been putting it off for months because you're not really looking forward to doing any of it but this weekend, you're feeling motivated and maybe even a little excited at the thought of coming home from a long day at work on Monday to a clean, organised and tidy house...

Would you really cancel that or significantly interrupt it for a coffee with a potential fwb? Which is potentially an entire morning/afternoon/evening when you've factored in getting ready and travelling?

Because I wouldn't.

If he offered the alternative date then I'd be ok with that. He should have just said he has plans rather than he needs to organise his house (but maybe he thought you'd be impressed by his commitment to housework 😄).

I'd be annoyed by all the 'you're distracting me stuff' because he has his own mind and chooses what he does with his time - stuff like that annoys me. It's poor flirting skills and also really dull 😬

I mean, it doesn’t feel like you really want honest opinions here. It’s completely fine for you to ditch a person for any reason you want. But it feels like you’re really asking if he’s a dick for having HIS boundaries and the answer is ‘no’.

I don’t think you’ve overreacted by deciding you don’t want to see him again, but equally he hasn’t done anything shitty here. You’ve met once, he has plans, he’s been honest so whilst you feel what you feel he hasn’t done anything wrong here.