Scared to go to sleep / divorce

[NCA24]

I've named changed. Contemplated posting about this for a while but I am up and petrified of going to sleep.

My husband has filed for divorce. All throughout our 30 year marriage he's been severely emotionally, physically and financially abusive. So this is a good thing. I feel very angry though after everything I've endured he's the one to do this.

I was a teenage mum and have bootstrapped myself ever since then into being a very high earner - primarily because I couldn't rely on him to contribute. Both kids are adults but still live at home. He's been clear he wants to take my money and see us kicked out of the house by any means necessary. I've offered to buy him out at 50% but he wants us out.

I would normally be emotional. But I feel dead inside. Like I've fought so hard for years to stay afloat and provide, and I'll be left with nothing.

The worst thing is, I can't sleep. Every night I'm having the most violent, disturbing nightmares where I'm being chased to death. I'm scared to close my eyes.

Aibu to feel so scared. What's going on with me?

Well, he can't just kick you out. It's a marital asset. Is it in joint names?

Make an appointment to see a solicitor to discuss the legalities.

Give the kids a heads up that they probably need to look at leaving the nest. As adults they should be anyway.

See your gp and discuss your anxiety, it's completely normal. 30 years is a long time and you'd be right to feel whatever you're feeling.

Im sorry you're experiencing this.

Have you got a solicitor? It's highly unlikely he'll get more than 50% now the children are adults.

Hi OP.
Sorry you feel like this.

Twats like him always threaten to take everything. He won’t be able to. You won’t be left with nothing.

Have to been to see a solicitor yet? They will be able to advise you of ways forward.

Is he in the house with you now?

It will be ok OP. You’ve had years of abuse making you doubt yourself. This sudden development, while a relief, has brought up things you’ve held back for years.

Maybe make a GP appointment tomorrow?
💐

30 years. Wow you have been through so,
so much. It is going to get better.

When I couldn't sleep because of trauma I found Spotify had some good sleep playlists. Music for sleep (specially designed to have less pattern so your brain let's go of it), Whale sounds for sleep, rainforest sounds for sleep. All these exist as alternatives to white/pink/brown/fan noise which is too uniform to distract my brain. Much easier for me to press "play" on these than on guided meditation tracks.

ETA of course the problem is the nightmares really, rather than the getting to sleep, and I think pp is right that it might be worth talking to your GP about.

Well isn't he a complete cunt!

Find yourself a SHL (Shit Hot Lawyer) & kick his arse to the curb!!!

Don't worry about him being the one to do it. The result is the same, you'll be rid of the wanker & as the kids are adults, you don't need to 'co parent' with the arse!

as well as being angry, change (even good change) can be very stressful. It's natural to be anxious. Try to focus on your future without the wanker & concentrate on how happy you'll be. You'll be fine, better than fine!!

Thank you. House and mortgage is in my name but of course I know it's a marital asset.

Kids are barely adults ie one still at uni who lives at home. I feel like it's so unfair that I could pay him his equity at 50% but that's not enough for him. Why would he prefer to see us all kicked out? It's still so abusive.

@JingleSnowmanTree you've actually made me cry. I needed that. Thank you

He’s doing this as a continuation of his abuse. I want, I want, I will get, on repeat.
Practice your one line answer and repeat it to him. “We’ll communicate through lawyers” “ my lawyer will contact yours” that sort of thing.
You’re in a strong position, it just doesn’t feel like that to you and he’ll lay on the pressure probably in the hope you’ll cave in to shut him up.
Are you fearful he might become violent? You could have a lock fitted on your bedroom door or at the very least put a strong wedge underneath it.
This will get better, you will be free of him, you’ll get on with your much better life and he’ll still be a bitter, nasty little man….

@Andthereyougo can I ask why you think I'm in a strong position. I really don't want to leave home and the financial penalties (mortgage early redemption fees etc) just seem like such a waste. It just feels so petty and unnecessary. Because he's a much lower earner my fear is the judge will give him most of the equity.

He's also threatening to tell the kids I'm a slag, they're not his etc etc that's why he's divorcing me. I actually feel like I'm going to vomit all the time. I'm not sure how much of this I can endure.

What you are feeling is normal. Divorce is highly stressful and anxiety level spikes.
And you are at the start of the process - where there is so much uncertainty and drama.
It’s good you are feeling numb and not crying - use it to prepare to fight!!!!

First off - ignore what ‘he wants’ re the house, etc. at the moment. When people start divorces they don’t really know the reality of how it works. Just because he wants something - doesn’t mean it’ll become reality.
My exH also started off wanting to stay in family home - and for me to move out.
Didn’t quite work out that way.

It often takes a (long) while to get to a sensible settlement. In early phase - it’s
all emotional and seeing if he can bend you to his will. Eventually - rationality can kick in.

For eg - if there are enough assets in your family pot that one of you can have the house - while the other gets equal share of assets (or maybe slightly larger as they’ll
have to pay stump duty on property purchase) - that sort of deal may become more attractive to either of you.
Especially if you compare it to - selling the house and each of you purchasing and both paying stamp duty….
But these sort of calculations/conversations happen much later…

So - for now… Get some help from GP - for your anxiety. And don’t listen to H’s wants.
Get yourself a solicitor and prepare for the drawn out period where your H would demand ridiculous asset divisions; which you’ll firmly refuse. And only when he realises that you won’t be intimidated to bend to his will - he may see sense.
Or you may go to court for him to be told.

This will be a long process - your child will be done with uni by then…

Just saw your latest post - there is no reason for the judge to give him more equity just because he is a lower earner.
It is done when women sacrificed careers to take care of kids and still have to be raising kids.
In your case of grown kids - it’s not the case..::

All of these costs - mortgage penalties, etc - will be part of calculations of what each of you will get post asset division.
It’s part of negotiations.
He’ll be making an offer for whet he proposes happens.
You can make your offer of whet happens - who gets what.
In the end - self preservation leads to people choosing offers that optimise their benefit.

I assume kids know what sort of person he is. So - no matter what he says - ignore. If he starts telling kids he isn’t their father - i’d tell him to prove it with DNA test 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hey OP, things will work out just fine.

I was in your position, married 20 years, kids just out of school. He refused to move out but I did get a good lawyer who sorted him out.

Me being the higher earner, I did have to pay him to get out ( I bought him out ).
He didn’t want that but in the eyes of the law it’s a reasonable offer so he wasn’t able to refuse.
You’ll find he’s being arsey to you to see what he can get away with.
Once your lawyer is involved he’ll have to toe the line.
I found that, initially, my resentment at having to pay him was holding me back, causing me sleepless nights and stress and prevented me moving forward. The injustice of it was overwhelming as he was a lazy cocklodger type and abusive too.
Once I accepted that, it was easier and I was able to focus on doing what was necessary to get him out of my life.

That was 3 years ago.

I have since bounced back, almost paid off my mortgage and love life without him. My adult children are living with me, saving up for places of their own.

So, you can do it op.
He can’t kick you out, he can’t refuse your offer to buy him out. He’s just being controlling.

Speak to a lawyer asap.

May be worth speaking to Women's Aid too.
They may know a lawyer who is savvy about abusive men.

@jsku can I please ask what do you mean "long process"? We've already filed financials to court and have our first hearing in a few weeks. My son is only in his first year of a 4 year course. It won't take that long will it?!

@thebulbsblown thank you for sharing your experience. Did you have to pay more than 50% of the equity to get him out? I've come to terms with doing that even though I've been paying the mortgage and bills but anymore and I might not be able to stretch that far.

Your post sounded like you are a lot earlier in the process.
My divorce - took over 2 years and that was without court…

Do you have a solicitor? In addition to the financials - (Form E?) - have you made an offer to him?
Have you had mediation?

You really must put one forward before the hearing. And lay out a reasonable proposal
for 50/50 asset split where you buy him out.
Like the poster above said - it will be hard for his side to ignore a proposal that benefits both by saving penalties and stamp dutu

When this is all behind you will feel so much better. I don't see why he would get more than 50% of your marital assets unless he has put his career and earning potential on hold to take care of your family and home? Isn't any price worth paying to get this nasty, vicious weight out of your life? You will be fine.

@jsku he has CCJs galore so won't be able to buy a property which is also why he doesn't care about stamp duty etc. He wants "his" money and us out too.

OP you are scared because your soon to be ex husband is scary and abusive, and separating is a high risk time for an increase in abuse. Plus divorce is generally super stressful and anxiety-making. This is also why you’re having nightmares. And why he wants to kick you all out of the house even though financially it would be no skin off his nose. He is an abuser and abusers abuse. There is no mystery here but it’s really horrible and I feel for you having been through similar myself. The worst bit for me was the child custody stuff so at least you’re not facing that. The financial stuff seems overwhelming at first but at the end of the day it can usually be fairly easily sorted out even with an unreasonable abuser, albeit you may ultimately need input from the courts to come to an agreement.

The good news is you won’t have to put up with his bullshit much longer especially if your kids are now adults. Hopefully they are able to see through him. Try not to let him scare you, I cannot see a judge in this day and age giving him more equity than you especially with adult children when the house is in your name and given that the divorce is happening due to domestic abuse unless there is a huge backstory you haven’t mentioned. Worst case scenario is probably 50/50 which you sound like you’ve already come to terms with. Sorting out finances after divorce is super messy and complicated and the eventual result may not be what you’d consider “fair” but I don’t think it will be anything like as bad as you’re imagining or he is threatening. Judges will usually start from a position of 50/50 when it comes to dividing marital assets unless there are very good reasons not to.

You can often take your mortgage with you if you move so may not have the early repayment fees etc. In any case the cost of that probably is a drop in the ocean of all the other financial and emotional issues to be considered, not least your safety and future happiness and that of your kids. I understand people are also often emotionally attached to where they live too but this could be a great opportunity for a fresh start away from his nonsense.

I think it would really help you to speak to a divorce lawyer in detail about your marital finances so that you have a clearer idea of how things are likely to shake down financially for you ultimately, and it may well help you to feel calmer about that aspect of things. Speaking to a domestic abuse support worker may help too as they know this sort of situation only too well and can help you to navigate it safely and with as little stress as possible.

You are doing the right thing and it will be ok! Put your safety first and don’t underestimate him from that point of view. Have a very low threshold for calling police if you need to. Consider if a non molestation order is needed (again something you could discuss with a lawyer).

Be kind to yourself/talk kindly to yourself, look after yourself, make sure you’re eating, drinking, exercising etc and yes speak to your GP about whether you need to consider mental health medication or at least perhaps a short course of sleeping pills during this acute stress. You don’t sound mentally unwell to me, more like you’re having a normal reaction to an abnormal and highly stressful situation but of course we don’t know all the details. Consider getting some counselling for yourself through this difficult process too. It really will turn out for the better in the long run.

Ah just seen you are already going to court over this which I think will help you to see which way the land lies (for some reason your later posts just loaded for me now). Someone mentioned mediation above. I would generally advise against mediation with an abuser because you might feel intimidated into agreeing to something that is not in your best interests but every situation is different and this could be right for you but worth being aware of this.

If he is physically abusive, maybe you need advice about getting him out of the house? If he is violent again, please call the police

Your husband can’t just shout at the court and demand stuff and get it. The court look at what is fair. If you are willing to buy him out of the house then the court would see that as a fair offer. It probably seems terrifying to you as he has had 30 years to convince you that if he shouts loudly enough then the world caves before him (he may even believe this to he true) but it won’t work in court. Stick to your guns… he can have half and no more and you are offering to buy him out of half the house. Be strong, this won’t take forever!

@NCA24

im not sure whether I should be glad or sad I made you cry. Buy crying is good, let's out the tension & oxytosins.

I can't imagine what he's been like to live with. He's got you believing some of his utter nonsense. It's not going to be as bad as he's trying to make you believe.

Do you do Facebook/Nextdoor etc. can you ask if anyone can recommend a SHL in your area, you seem to be able to ask anonymously on FB if you'd prefer. Or start a new thread on here asking.

you need that SHL in place asap! Talk to them about the financials.

Let him say what he likes about what he'll tell the kids. He's going to look like a complete idiot telling them that he's leaving now, after 30 years, because you're a 'slur' & they're not his, isn't he. I'd just say, great- crack on, they'll be relieved.

your kids are (young) adults, they're not stupid.

That's his problem, not yours, he'll have to rent. He doesn't need space for the kids, so it can just be a studio or whatever.

are you eating, drinking, getting a bit if fresh air? Even if you're only walking around the block it'll help.

A court will always look at what is reasonable.

If you are financially able to give him his 50% equity and remain in the house then it would be unreasonable to make you sell and leave just because your ex wants you to, there is no point in it.

He sounds like a Grade A prick.

He’s used to getting his way by bullying you. He’s made a big mistake by starting the divorce process - you’ve got the law on your side now.

Hold your nerve.

Does he expect to keep the house without buying you out of your share?