Scared to go to sleep / divorce

[NCA24]

I've named changed. Contemplated posting about this for a while but I am up and petrified of going to sleep.

My husband has filed for divorce. All throughout our 30 year marriage he's been severely emotionally, physically and financially abusive. So this is a good thing. I feel very angry though after everything I've endured he's the one to do this.

I was a teenage mum and have bootstrapped myself ever since then into being a very high earner - primarily because I couldn't rely on him to contribute. Both kids are adults but still live at home. He's been clear he wants to take my money and see us kicked out of the house by any means necessary. I've offered to buy him out at 50% but he wants us out.

I would normally be emotional. But I feel dead inside. Like I've fought so hard for years to stay afloat and provide, and I'll be left with nothing.

The worst thing is, I can't sleep. Every night I'm having the most violent, disturbing nightmares where I'm being chased to death. I'm scared to close my eyes.

Aibu to feel so scared. What's going on with me?

@NCA24

“@thebulbsblown thank you for sharing your experience. Did you have to pay more than 50% of the equity to get him out? I've come to terms with doing that even though I've been paying the mortgage and bills but anymore and I might not be able to stretch that far.”

No,I paid less than 50% in total.
He didn’t want to declare assets so the result was I paid him half value of house and my (quite substantial) pension was untouched.
I remortgaged but that in itself was a challenge as I’d got poor credit due to his financial abuse over the years.

I suspect he’d acquired assets of his own somehow (despite not working much) but anyway I was happy to just get him out of my life.

@NCA24

His CCJ are irrelevant.
How are you going to court? Who is representing you?
What has your solicitor told you to do?

Hi there OP, you are going through an awful time, but it will get better. here is my two pennies worth -

1. you need some solid help irl in the form of counselling and legal advice. book yourself into some therapy, contact women's aid, look into the freedom programme. these resources will help you make the right decisions etc
2. he needs to be out of the house. contact the police and speak to your lawyer about getting him out. his current behaviour threatening you etc. counts as abuse. all communication with him once he moves out should only be via lawyers.
3. do you have a good lawyer? somehow it doesn't seem like that as a good lawyer would have explained things better to you and informed you that he can't take more than 50%(unless I have missed something)
4. if you are saying he hasn't been paying mortgage/bills and has been financially abusing you, all of that needs to be considered. chances are, you should get more than 50%. get yourself a better lawyer

It’s a power play. I suspect if you said fine, buy me out and I will buy a new house he wouldn’t be interested.

You have gotten such good advice here , OP. I hope you are feeling better and stronger! You are in a good position, actually, and the prize for temporary discomfort is freedom! Just keep that in mind: eyes on the prize! 👀 on the 🎁!!

On the subject of the kind of psychological warfare he is conducting—think about it like what the military call psyops. Something that is covert but only dangerous when it happens to the unwitting (your children, the courts) He is aiming to control you through fear of ill report. In reality non of his threats—like the threat to call you a “slag” who cheated on him, are at all relevant and won’t affect the legal proceedings snd don’t affect your relationship with your children he wishes these accusations did but they don't!

! Next time he threatens to tell your children they aren’t his just lift an eyebrow and say “if you want the world to believe you are a cuckold go ahead. No one will be more embarrassed and humiliated than you.”

Thank you. He's just sent emailed through his Form E. Lots of accusations now in black and white in that document, including me stealing money from him, I forced him to sign the deed of trust on our last house etc. I thought he was an extremely low earner but he's on £50k and I'm on three times that. I know that's still a huge disparity but doesn't explain then why he's in so much debt when he contributes nothing.

He doesn't want either of us to have the house, but my point is why waste £16k in early mortgage redemption fees if I can buy him out? Doesn't benefit anyone.

It's just the not knowing how this will all pan out but also all the unfounded lies about me. I feel so disgusted about what he's accusing me of. There is literally nothing that validates his accusations. He has provided zero supporting documentation with the Form E.

@therealcookiemonster I do have a great lawyer but even the official advice here on Advice Now is that it's a myth things get split 50/50. Courts try and put people on an even footing post divorce so if he earns significantly less than me then they might award him more of the assets because I have more borrowing power?

@NCA24 please try to stop listening to him. He is an abuser and a liar. You know this and you know he will say any 💩 to upset you, so try not to react and ignore it all. Your solicitor will know the facts of the law so listen to her. Keep going and you’ll get out the other side!

I know it doesn’t feel like it but this is a blessing and you will have a full, peaceful life on the other side of this.

Agree with other posters, you need a very good solicitor. You’ll need to show the court “reasonability” - hold your nerve, stay focused, you’re already in a very strong position.

As for the sleep you need to look at supplements that have 5HTP in them, take with Magnesium and you’ll sleep much better.

I found this quote recently and I think it resonates here - “Yes, you will rise from the ashes, but the burning comes first. For this part, darling, you must be brave”.

I just got home and my chest hurts. I'm having a panic attack. I want this all to be over.

@Chonkadoodle that quote is incredible. Thank you

.

Do not let that arsehole bully you anymore. Get your lawyer asap to deal with things. He can want all he wants but there are laws to protect people.

OP: why do you believe that you'll be left with nothing?

How much debt (total) does he owe (not including mortgage)

He only put £2k debt on the form e. I know for a fact there is a tonne more. He's not on the mortgage because of his CCJs

So the stupid bafoon is lying on the forms in a way that will not benefit him at all...

@NCA24 - breathe!!! And ask GP for something to help you…
I ended up taking antidepressants and Xanax - and my solicitor said it’s normal - many women need help getting through this.

First - his acquisitions mean nothing. Judges are used to seeing and hearing all sorts. They are not going to somehow believe him on words.

Secondly - yes - uncertainly is really scary. Try to imagine what happens - in worst case scenario - sell the house and split proceeds 50/50. What can you buy on that?
I presume as you have a good salary - you’ll be able to get something you’ll like. No?

From what you are describing your H’s FormE - he is not getting good advice - and it’s great for YOU!!!
All his depts will likely considered ‘marital’ - so its a GOOD thing he listed a lower sum. he then will be paying them from whatever his share is.
His salary of £50K is clearly enough to support him - you will not be expecting to prop him up.

His CCJ are not relevant for asset division. And him not being on mortgage is also not relevant - family home is a marital asset.
It is mosy likely be awarded 50/50.
The equalisation you talk about is mostly the division of assets the time of divorce. Future higher earnings of yours are not taken into account.

My exH is a high earner. I was a SAHM with limited earning potential due to taking years to raise our kids.
Our assets were shared 50/50. He kept his large pension. I kept my smaller one. I did get maintenance while kids are at school.
But that’s it.

Sometimes women get higher share of house instead of spousal maintenance - IF there is a case for maintenance. But it is very rare these days…

If he has lied on the form your solicitor needs to call him out on it.

Please talk to your children too, they must know how difficult it has been for you (and them) and must know that everything he is saying is lies.

Hold your nerve, speak to your GP, keep all his emails/ texts threats as evidence to use against him (as needed). Keep a diary of everything and put a line in the sand, please call the police if he crosses that line! Never be afraid to safeguard yourself, your adult children and your assets. Stash away anything of value, anything sentimental so he cannot destroy it.

You will be amazing by yourself- you will have the freedom and time to be you! Keep going… it will be better, it will be worth it

@zeibesaffron

It only makes sense to question if he was hiding assets.
Including higher depts - DO NOT benefit OP - why would she question that??? She’ll be responsible for half of larger debt. 🤷🏻‍♀️

During my divorce I stopped talking to him other than through my lawyer because I knew he would try to manipulate me.

You should do same and don’t listen to him.

If he has a pension or savings hat is marital assets too.
His debts are his own unless the money was spent on household expenses such as the family car etc.

The fact my h was earning less and had less borrowing power was not taken into account.
Dont think too much about it.
Ket your lawyer guide you.

It does t matter if he doesn’t want you to get the house.

What he wants and what happens are 2 different things.

Look up The Grey Rock Technique and follow that.

Things will get better !

He is scared. He is scared and that is where his aggression and attempts to be manipulative are stemming from. He knows you're in a much better position than he so he is trying to bully you and shake your confidence. Please try to not worry. Each day as it comes and let the professionals handle it. You won't be left with anything less than he is, he can't be awarded any more than you.

He sounds absolutely vile, each day is a day closer to your new life, chin up and stand firm.

You're stronger than you realise; after all you've tolerated his crap for three decades.

This final push will get you the freedom you deserve.

First; are you safe? In the house together but in separate rooms? Get a lock for the door. Speak to your GP about short term support for the nightmares. Explain what you're dealing with.

Second; lawyer up. There's a fight coming and you want someone on your side who knows the rules and all the plays the other side will try to you're in a strong position as the bigger earner, with kids old enough to form their own opinions rather than being manipulated by him.

He's an abuser and he will continue in that pattern. Don't engage, don't rise to him. Be the broken record: that's a conversation for our lawyers. That's a conversation for our lawyers.

Good luck, peace of mind awaits you in the other side of all this.

I can’t see why a judge would give him more than 50% just because he earns less than you. I think it would be 50/50.
His threats to tell the the children you’re a slag etc… are the threats of a scared man ( mine did the same though he threatened to lie to SS to lose me my job)
Make a record of everything. Every threat, you have to deal with this like a job to get through. As soon as I realised that I took control and it all got a lot easier. It wasn’t simple, it took a lot of organising, it was still scary ( he was out of control drinking, an alcoholic) but once I got out it was all good from there on.
Also repeat your offer to buy him out. Make it the best one you can afford and hopefully his solicitor will talk sense into him.

He is awful.

Am I right in understanding that he wants the house and all the equity, you to leave with nothing?

Have your asked your solicitor if they could make a case for you to offer him 25% of equity, and you retain 75%? If is the kind of arsehole who will want to knock down your share regardless of what you go in with then he may be more accepting of 50/50, if he has to knock your offer down to that point.

Can your solicitor also advise on an occupation order? To get him out the property whilst you go through this process.

GP can help with the anxiety too.

Sorry you’re going through this.

So we have court today and I've still seen none of his documents (even though I've submitted mine).

Although this morning I've seen he's shared with courts secret voice recordings of me in the house talking to the estate agent.

I thought this was illegal but on Googling it's not. I can't believe it, plus my lawyer doesn't work Wednesdays.