Scared to go to sleep / divorce

[NCA24]

I've named changed. Contemplated posting about this for a while but I am up and petrified of going to sleep.

My husband has filed for divorce. All throughout our 30 year marriage he's been severely emotionally, physically and financially abusive. So this is a good thing. I feel very angry though after everything I've endured he's the one to do this.

I was a teenage mum and have bootstrapped myself ever since then into being a very high earner - primarily because I couldn't rely on him to contribute. Both kids are adults but still live at home. He's been clear he wants to take my money and see us kicked out of the house by any means necessary. I've offered to buy him out at 50% but he wants us out.

I would normally be emotional. But I feel dead inside. Like I've fought so hard for years to stay afloat and provide, and I'll be left with nothing.

The worst thing is, I can't sleep. Every night I'm having the most violent, disturbing nightmares where I'm being chased to death. I'm scared to close my eyes.

Aibu to feel so scared. What's going on with me?

OP, sorry I have no useful advice or information to offer. Just sending you a warm hug. No wonder you have nightmares. He is a nightmare. Whatever it costs, you will recover when when he is out of your life.
Just keep holding on till you’re free of him. Keep that beautiful future in mind. You will soon be free.
Best of luck. Your free and happy life will soon be starting.

@crew2022 i think the op has recently discovered he isn’t earning as little as she thought. He’s on £50k and not been contributing to any family expenditure. She’s been paying the full mortgage etc.

The good thing about this is that although yes it’s a marital asset it puts you in control of the sale entirely which is a very good thing

Just raise your head high, you have done nothing wrong.

Tell the kids not to listen to his lies, you have never cheated, they must know he has been emotionally abusive and financially controlling.

Just know you will come out the other end

I think you need to go for a solicitor and age payment from divorce funds at the end or take out a loan. It’ll be worth it.

He reminds me of my friend’s now ex-DH, who tried to wreck her (and very nearly succeeded). I honestly believe he wanted her dead, so he could have everything. The public slander and nastiness was something else as well.

When the dust had settled a couple of years later, I saw him in town walking along with a dirty duvet with no cover and a removals blanket.

He spent his half of the proceeds before he even got them and now he’s sofa surfing between their 2 daughters with nothing. (They are beside themselves and totally ashamed of him).

And wait for it, now that he’s got nothing, he wants her back, because he realises what he had!!

She on the other-hand is blossoming and is a new woman.

Always hold on you will get through it but grit your teeth because you have to go through the eye of the storm to come out the other side, and you WILL 💐

@NCA24 you are an absolute fucking warrior! 💪
He is the dirt on the bottom of your boots.

Keep remembering that!

I think you mean surveyor?
Where there's a dispute and suspicion that one of you will nobble the valuer you instruct one as a single joint expert (SJE) rather than getting 3 marketing appraisals. They do a proper report with comparables and officially they report to the court, not to you. Depending on where you live this costs between £300 and £750. You share the cost.

Usually one of you suggests 3 and the other picks one. They are asked to value on the basis of an open market sale between a willing seller and willing buyer using the RICS red book principles. There's probably a precedent online.

What does the last court order say about valuing the house? This should have provided for a mechanism for agreeing the value. You can only instruct an SJE if the court has ordered it. Sometimes it can be agreed that an SJE is necessary before any court order and then you tell the selected expert in the instruction letter that the court will be asked to appoint them and they ought to provide the valuation report as if they are an SJE.

I can't see any reason why he would get more than half or why you wouldn't be allowed to buy him out. Where there are young children sometimes the lesser earner will get more, usually up to 60%. But your children are not young. And he's saying that they aren't his anyway.

If he wants a dna test then he can pay for it. But it needs to be done properly so he can't fake his sample.

Thanks @TooTrusting - I meant an estate agent. Yes getting a valuation was court ordered in the first hearing, but I'm sure that the judge said I was to select 5, of which he selects three and I instruct them all to get a valuation?

Even though the court hearing was a month ago, I still don't have the letter so I have to go by what I typed up when I was in court.

I'm tired of all this already and not even halfway through.

And thank you everyone for your support and kind words. I can't tell you how much that means to me.

Ok that's the cheaper way. With your ex and the argument over the last estate agent I'd have gone for the paid for SJE but too late for that. Just get on with proposing 5. The 3 then get asked to do a marketing appraisal with a realistic sale price.

There isn't a precedent letter for this, only for an SJE.
To avoid arguments when they visit about trying to influence them, either neither of you are present or both of you.

The order should have been issued by now. Everything is on an online portal so you may need to access it there.