Scared to go to sleep / divorce

[NCA24]

I've named changed. Contemplated posting about this for a while but I am up and petrified of going to sleep.

My husband has filed for divorce. All throughout our 30 year marriage he's been severely emotionally, physically and financially abusive. So this is a good thing. I feel very angry though after everything I've endured he's the one to do this.

I was a teenage mum and have bootstrapped myself ever since then into being a very high earner - primarily because I couldn't rely on him to contribute. Both kids are adults but still live at home. He's been clear he wants to take my money and see us kicked out of the house by any means necessary. I've offered to buy him out at 50% but he wants us out.

I would normally be emotional. But I feel dead inside. Like I've fought so hard for years to stay afloat and provide, and I'll be left with nothing.

The worst thing is, I can't sleep. Every night I'm having the most violent, disturbing nightmares where I'm being chased to death. I'm scared to close my eyes.

Aibu to feel so scared. What's going on with me?

Bumping. Does anyone have experience of this and can help me figure out what to do?

You're in a good position because it's your house, in your name!!

If he's abusive you can call the police and have him removed.

Please see a solicitor who specialises in abuse and understands psychological abuse, not just physical abuse. And speak to women's aid.

Sominex is a great, non addictive sleep aid that I have used since my ex traumatised me over 2 years ago.

This is hard but will get better. Look after yourself. Play your cards close to your chest.

you shouldn't be in court without your lawyer! why didn't your lawyer change the court date? if he has only now submitted documents with no time for your lawyer to review, you need to ask for more time.

I repeat you have a shit lawyer. who let's their client go to court without being there! that's their job! please get a proper lawyer otherwise he will get his way just on technicalities

Flash backs and inability to sleep in these circumstances can be a sign of PTSD. As can the numbness. It often takes your brain a couple of years to 'catch up' after an abusive situation has gone on for some time.

@therealcookiemonster I didn't want to waste money on my lawyer as a) he's provided no supporting documentation eg statements, pension, etc and b) he didn't provide the bundle pack for court which he was supposed to do.

The next two hearings are to see if we can resolve things before the final financial dispute resolution when a new judge makes the decision for us - if we can't agree.

As I have zero disposable income, I've just used my lawyer to review my documents are correct before I've submitted them. She advised to use her properly for the final court hearing because that is when it really counts, plus I've heard it will be super expensive.

The other thing to consider is how to protect your pension if he's going after that too. This is the negotiation of your life so your Sol might advise you to offer a higher % of assets (house capital) to protect that.

The judge will be looking for a clean break.

You are stronger than you think and keep your eyes on the end goal here which is to stay in your home and eventually have a much more peaceful life without him in it.

What a prick he is. Nightmares are common in this situation as is sleep walking. When I was divorcing my abusive first husband he caught me trying to sleep jump out of our bedroom window naked. I have no recollection of stripping or opening the window but I was definitely half out of it when he woke me up.
I'd sleep walk all over the place. I haven't done it since.
You ex is full of shit. He is a bully and doesn't get to decide who has or does what. The courts decide. Tell him you are not interested in his opinion.
My ex said all of this stuff too. He got short shrift for his behaviour in court and didn't get to chuck me out.
Make sure you write down all his abusive behaviour over the years and present it as evidence if needed.
It will soon be over. Stay strong. Imagine how wonderful your life will be after he has long gone.

@Gettingbysomehow thank you so much. I not only hope you're getting by but soon thriving and @jeaux90 your words are so helpful. I've not really told anyone in detail yet so I feel like a pressure cooker. And guess what, 2:34 and I have to be up in 4 hours 😭

Do you have family or friends nearby? Speak to them - let it all out to someone it will help you feel less alone and less like a pressure cooker... which will enable you to get things in order.

What happened in court? Has he been reminded to supply his bundle?

How did court go?

@BroughttoyoubyBerocca thank you so much for asking. I got there a little early and was waiting in the reception. The lovely, lovely lady usher (not sure that's what she's even called) could see me physically shaking. She came to me and asked if I wanted the privacy screens and I just couldn't answer. I couldn't even speak.

She said she was going to put them up and when he comes she was going to keep him outside. She was so amazing and I want to send her flowers.

He went in first and spouted off his accusations and lies. The kids aren't his, how I stole money from him and that he had recorded me colluding with the estate agent on the value of the house.

I'm was so quiet but I couldn't stop the tears. I'm so insulted. The judge said this wasn't the court to hear that and divorce is now no fault. She asked why he hadn't prepared the court bundle etc. she went through top line our assets and salaries etc and she asked us each what we wanted.

He said he wanted us to sell, split pensions and get his equity. He said he should get more because he earned less.

She asked me and I said I just want this resolved quickly, that he shared his documents and that I wanted to buy him out. I said we've only just moved in and mortgage penalties and costs would be a waste of money.

He said he didn't care about wasting money and the judge said that wasn't his call to make.

I wish she was the final judge but I know they have to appoint a new one for that. It was so traumatic.

I've now learnt he text my daughter abuse all day saying that he's not her dad and that her dad is his brother. I was in a work meeting when she text me and I went to vomit. When I called her just now and she said she by don't you just do what he asks and get a dna test. Honestly I'm so angry, insulted and sick of this I just want it to end.

I'd get the DNA test just to pull the rug out from under him.

That's what the kids are saying. But it will be something else after. I feel sick.

Listen op you sounded like you did a great job in court whilst he made himself look unreasonable and unhinged.

Well he clearly is so ignore him focus on getting you and the DC through this.

Interesting he is going after your pension if make sure you protect that and offer a bit more capital from the house buy out maybe if he has a case for that but your SOL will advise.

Deploy some grey rock on him, it helps you protect yourself it's a really useful short term technique

psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method

Still in the midst of this nightmare. Ex hasn't submitted his full papers again despite being court ordered to. I don't have any money to consult with a solicitor right now.

Does anyone have a legal template / example for instructing a solicitor to provide a market valuation of our property please?!

I had similar dreams. Your brain is finally admitting the truth: he is dangerous, you are scared. I’m sorry.

@NCA24
Sorry I can't help but I wanted to send you a virtual hug.
Also give this a bump in case another poster can help you.

Why is a solicitor required for a market valuation of the property ?

I had 3 estate agents in, as they knew it was for financial purposes ( and not that I was going to put the house on the market ) they did charge, something like £50 x years ago.

Sounds like a trauma response, years of abuse takes it’s toll
i had similar when I kicked out my abusive partner a covert narcissist, my dreams for months where horrible, I used to wake sweating and shaking the dreams where usually about him skinning me alive ,
but as I slowly took back charge of my life and soul the dreams stopped and I’m starting to feel alive again, 27 years of living with a monster takes time but recovery is possible,
it’s still hard two years on but I fought hard to protect myself after the first few months it gets easier,don’t let him
fleece you financially you will regret it when you start to recover yourself.
bless you on your journey stay strong 💪

Just wanted to mention that when I was at university, my mother finally left my abusive father. She moved to a tiny flat with nowhere for me to stay. I had to scramble to find housing during breaks and then move into housing that I could stay in year round which was a challenge to secure. There was no chance I was darkening my father’s door.

I was absolutely thrilled she left, despite the upheaval in my life.

(they eventually reconciled and I never got over that).

@NCA24

DO NOT let him keep you in court forever.
My ex kept me in court for over a year, argued over the most ridiculous, embarrassing little details and I ended up with an attorney bill of $85,000 in 1993 USD.
Get in, get out and get it done.
And don’t let him intimidate you. He can’t have what he isn’t entitled to.
Sending love from California. ❤️

@NCA24 sorry can't help with a template but have you tried the citizens advice bureau website?

@NCA24 Just to let you know there is a Legal board on MN. You might get help on there for your template.

🌺 for you. Your soon to be ex sounds unhinged. Also get those DNA tests for the kids. It will settle their minds if nothing else. He is abusing them too with these (I’m assuming) unfounded accusations. It’s an easy way to show everyone hes a liar. And I doubt the courts are interested as it’s no fault divorce and DC are considered adults.

Why has he had a lower paid role?
To cover childcare or take on more domestic duties? Or because he's a useless twat who can't get a higher paid role as he's not got the skills or experience?

If he's just not suitable to earn more and has not sacrificed his career to provide free childcare then I don't see why that would count?

Keep going OP. It will be over at some stage and you will be free of him.