Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fab & Glam Part 4 - Spring into Happiness!

1000 replies

Paddlechick666 · 17/03/2008 13:26

Good Lord people, we've filled a thread up in about 6 weeks!

Anyways, here's a link to the venue Tanee suggested for a picnic:

www.coramsfields.org/index.php

Looks fabulous so let's get planning!

ps: sorry for London/Southern centric take on this but we'll plan hits around the rest of the country too I promise.

pps: Lily, get yer butt on FB woman!

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 08/04/2008 16:33

I cried all the way to and from the solicitors and it was a very sad day for me. What it did do though was to hand over that stress to the solicitor so it did not have to go around and around in my head.

Just getting the financial bits sorted is a good start and will let you take a few tiny steps forward.

You will have to still have a relationship with h as you have ds and you will then be able to concentrate on that new way forward.

Like i have said before though - it is not the end but is a step you know you need to take - and i am confident you will feel so much better than you do now.

A very good friend of mine who helped me through the worst times would always say it will get better and will certainly be different.

I also think you will soon see a change in h if you do it - he will no longer have the 'excuse' to talk to you and ask your advice as to what to do ......... You can then concentrate on the future (whatever that may be). I also bet she will not find him so attractive once she knows you really do not want to still make a go of it - at the moment she still wants to make him think she is 'better' and he would be a fool to return to you. Once she really sees she has won she may not want the 'prize' as much as she thought. This certainly happened in my case - h says the goal posts seemed to change somewhat and she started planning holidays (that he would pay for ) for them and the children. He found it all a bit much and then the rest is history in that he started the begging.

Anyway good luck

MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 08/04/2008 17:08

Baffy - I tracked h down from knowing his surname (luckily there were only two at that time in the book). I rang him and just said, 'Is XXXX there?' The first time it was the wrong number , but I got there in the end and asked him out . TBF, we had already had a slow dance but I was seeing someone. When that finished, I decided to get in touch and the rest is (very long) history! Do it - you never know what might come from it.

Tanee - thank you

HW - have responded to your FB message. Thanks

Sugar - WOW! New shoes AND cleaning . Fabulous.

Baffy · 08/04/2008 17:10

Thanks HW

Dior I'm a big chicken! I have the numbers sitting here in front of me but I just can't do it!!

Love your story though

sugarpear · 08/04/2008 17:13

Baffy- i do understand how hard it is to make that step away and let the solicitors deal with it. But you need to start living and moving on. H is keeping you in limbo. He still has you and ds and ow when he wants. But that isnt fair to you at all. Whatever his reasons fro staying in touch with her and we can only quess at them but im betting it isnt for her loving personality more the fact that she has convinced him she will kill her self if he leaves her. Which is an horrendous guilt trip to lay on anyone. But he should have walked from that threat.
Even if the divorce goes all the way it doesnt have to mean thats it for you two forever. It will just be a different start to a new relationship. You will always be in each others life for ds sake.

Dh's dm has spent 20yrs living in limbo waiting for his df to come back and he has played her all this time. Im not saying that you would do that but im just pointing out that h might leave you living uncertainty for as long as your willing to wait.

At the end of the day we can all give you advice but its not our lives and its not our hearts that are breaking. But as your friends it hurts us that you are hurting and we just want to take that pain away. No matter what you do we will always be here for you, never judging just wishing you happiness. xx

MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 08/04/2008 17:13

Yeah you can. Dial one and ask for him. Id it is not the right house just apologise for the wrong number. If it IS and he is not in, leave your phone number and see if he gets back to you. If he IS there, well, stay calm and say you really enjoyed seeing him again and were sorry not to bump into him in town. Then see what he says. You should get the hint if he is really not interested.

I'll bet a lot of money that he is though. Bet he is kicking himself for not asking for your number. Go for it...

Tanee58 · 08/04/2008 17:26

Go for it !

If you DO find him, he'll probably be very flattered that you went to that trouble (DP and I first got together after he asked for my number from the woman who ran our dance group - when I asked him how he found me, he said that was his little secret!). Even though it turned out he only fancied me on the rebound from someone else, I was still flattered that he took the trouble.

And if you get some wrong numbers, well hey, no one's going to think you're weird, they'll just think you're a wrong number and forget you immediately.

Baffy · 08/04/2008 17:29

Fantastic post thanks sugar xx

Thanks Dior - I'll have a glass of wine later then re-read your post for encouragement!! xx

Baffy · 08/04/2008 17:30

x-post thanks Tanee too xx

Baffy · 09/04/2008 11:56

Everyone doing ok??

Mad busy here at the moment but just checking in...

Things ok. Feeling quite calm

Had lovely Italian meal last night and few glasses of wine with my best mate, and she was very supportive with the divorce too.

Even now, she never has a bad word to say about H, she's so supportive of both of us, but she agrees that if he isn't making the effort to get me back by now he really doesn't deserve any more chances...

And I still haven't made the phone calls!

lilyloo · 09/04/2008 15:20

Baffy have a couple glasses wine and ring them numbers!
Agree with your friend about h. You are right he needs to put you and ds first and the upshot is he won't, not he can't! As hard as it will be the solicitors will remove the emotional ties you have and you will always have contact with h anyway but you need to do this for your own sanity.

TFM where are you hope things are ok ?

McD how lovely glad to see he wasn't just thinking of himself again there

Sugar wow where can we get one of them, if dp did one of those things for me it would be expected that i would be breatful for that for at least a month

Dior you feeling any better ?

Hope evryone else ok!

MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 09/04/2008 15:57

I meant to post a '' for poor McD. I can't believe he asked for sex! What does he believe the situation to be between you both ? MEN .

I have been suffering from a dodgy tummy for the last couple of days. Went to M&D's for lunch and they sent me home. So I am currently ds-less and thinking about tackling Mount Everest aka my ironing!

ginnedup · 09/04/2008 16:00

Hi Baffy - your friend sounds great - and I think you should push ahead with the divorce. He's had enough opportunity by now to put things right but he just won't. What happens if he refuses to sign the papers - can you still go ahead and divorce him?

MacD - at your H wanting to use you for a shag then ignoring you when you said no. How disrectful. You know you deserve 100 times better than that don't you.

Sugar - can you loan out your dh? He sounds wonderful!!!

PC, Tannee, Dior, TFM - hope you are all OK.

Things here are very quiet - P was nice all weekend with the snow and everything, but he's gone home again now. No doubt he'll be back at the weekend because his dd is coming to stay. I'm getting the best of both worlds at the moment but I'm sure it won't last so I'm making the most of it.

Hi Lilyloo - come and join us on Facebook. You know you want to!!!

lilyloo · 09/04/2008 16:02

i would gup but dp has joined with our email ad so i can't use that and not sure what to do

Dior i would leave it and have some nice me time !

Baffy · 09/04/2008 16:12

hi lily how are you?

ginnedup I'm glad everything is settled for you at the moment - glad you're making the most of it too

Dior are you feeling any better?

My solicitor said when I initially went there that if H absolutely refuses to sign it's 5 years (from separation) until he has to.

But she says there are things they can do. Strongly worded letters etc. And his solicitor may advise that he signs while things are amicable to get the best outcome rather than battling it out and letting it get bitter.
(Although I'm slightly sceptical about that as surely the more we fight the more money they make!! )

Can't actually believe it has come to this. I have my solicitor's appointment tomorrow morning

MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 09/04/2008 16:21

Baffy - good luck for tomorrow. It is not nice, and yes, the only winners are the solicitors! You will do what you have to though. Even if you have to wait 5 years, I know you will make a great life for yourself and ds. Don't rush into anything you don't want to (apart from phoning ex-next-door-neighbour ).

ginnedup · 09/04/2008 16:22

Lily, couldn't you just sign up to hotmail and get a new email address then you can set up your own facebook account (or hijack your DH's FB and add us all as friends!!) Luckily my P doesn't know one end of a computer from the other so I don't have that problem!)

Good luck at the solicitors Baffy.

HappyWoman · 09/04/2008 19:58

Good luck baffy i will be thinking of you, put a bottle of wine in the fridge for after as you will feel emotionally drained.

I know this is not what you wanted at all but you really have not been left with any choice.

Surely with the evidence of the texts he will not be able to 'string it out' for 5 years. My understanding was though, that as long as you get the seperation order sorted you will not be liable for him even if the divorce is not finallised.

I dont think all solicitors are out to make money out of you - i hope you have a sensible one that you trust.

Hi to everyone - i am now counting down the days until they are back at school - the little darlings

Dior · 09/04/2008 20:53

Message withdrawn

macdoodle · 09/04/2008 21:15

Adultery is harder as he has to sign an agreement and even harder if you name OW as so does she...my solicitor adviced me "unreasonable behaviour" as could just list things including the adultery....I wanted to put adultery I would have liked to tar and feather both of them TBH

Dior · 09/04/2008 21:18

Message withdrawn

macdoodle · 09/04/2008 21:27

You'd think so

HappyWoman · 10/04/2008 07:09

I thought it could be quicker if it was adultery but may mean involving a court if he didnt sign admission.

My solicitor said it could be more messy so always adviced unreasonable behaviour as it looked like you had given your marriage a real go.

I think he will still have to sign the papers if it is unreasonable behaviour anyway so it could still take a long time.

At least by getting the ball rolling the time starts now.

As we all know things can change in the next month let alone the next couple of years so dont rush it - just get the best deal you can.

Anyway good luck baffy

lilyloo · 10/04/2008 10:03

good luck with solicitors today Baffy.

TFM hope you ok

GUP will get dp to show me how to do that i am absolutely useless on computers

TimeForMe · 10/04/2008 10:11

Good Morning everyone

Just popping in to say hello and let you know I am doing ok. Thank you for thinking of me.
P is still doing his best, it's me who is finding it difficult, I suspect it may take a while for me to relax and believe in him again. But, all in all I am ok

I could do with a good laugh!

Love to everyone xxx

lilyloo · 10/04/2008 10:16

Glad to see you TFM and also glad p is still trying hard. I am sure it will take you time to trust him again and i don't think it's too bad a thing for you to hold judgement on that. He has got a lot to make up for.

Will share my funny story yesterday i had taken dc's to play area and had just bf dd. I then took dd1 for a drink in the cafe and was in the queue to get her a drink and the lasy behind pointed at the floor saying i had dropped something. I look down and ther is my breast pad on the floor i was very but not as much as she was when she realised what it was, think the whole line was sniggering!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.