How am I going to get through this :( (long post sorry!)

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

I've been with DH for over 10yrs, married for 1 and have a new baby. LO was born prem and we have been going through hell but she is home now and doing well.

DH has always been indecisive and before each major milestone, getting engaged, a house, married etc he has had a panic and discussed splitting up as he doesn't think he loves me enough to get engaged, buy a house, get married etc.

However once we have talked things through and he has had his stress he always decides that he does love me and wants to be with me.

Surprisingly getting pregnant was one thing that he didn't stress about and was really happy that we were expecting. When I delilved LO early and it was touch and go for me and LO - apparently cos I was out of it but have been told by various people - DH was a bit of a mess which was understandable, ie couldn't speak for crying. However he won't talk about this and although has been supportive during the weeks LO was in hospital on SCBU I feel he could have been there for me more than he was.

Over the weekend things have come to a head. We've been having a few niggly arguements and he has said over the past few weeks that he isn't sure if he loves me enough (again) and has been thinking about us splitting up. Yesterday I made a real effort - did my hair and make up etc and tried hard to make an effort - we had agreed to do this the night before. However DH didn't notice the effort I had made and was sullen all day only speaking when I spoke to him etc. When I cracked and said that his behaviour was upsetting me and I was upset that he hadn't commented that I looked nice - he said that he hadn't noticed that I'd made an effort and didn't think I looked as though I had particularyly

We had a 'discussion' during which he told me that;

He feels it would have been easier if I had died when havign LO as this would have ade things easier for him ie wouldn't have to decided to stay with me or not - this really hurt and he knows how bad it sounded.

He doesn't feel that he loves me enough and wishes that he's 'had the balls to leave me before marrying an having a baby'

When I asked why he married me he said he thought it would be a solution to how he was feeling about being not sure about the relationship and everyone else seemed to think it was a good idea. He was NOT pressurised into marrying me or indeed even staying with me.

The arguement went on until I said that I wasn't prepared to share our baby and him be a weekend dad. That isn't why I brought her into the workd to be passed about between two homes etc. I told him that it's all or nothing he either has us both or looses us both cos I'm not beign a part time mum and our daughter needs a full time dad.

He went to walk out of the room and I asked him how he felt right then - he replied like he wants to die

I left him to cool off and then went upstairs to see him. He was sat on the bed crying. He Said that he loves our daughter and doesn't want to be a part time dad but isn't sure that he loves me enough etc. He broke down and cried so hard he was howling and holding on to me - this is not like him he cries but only a little. This was a major breakdown kind of cry.

We have decided to see how things go for a couple of months and both make a real effort to make our marriage work He has said that he would rather fall back in love with me and make it work but at the moment isn't sure that this is possible.

I just feel so empty and don't know what to think. Part of me feels so sorry for him cos I love him and he is hurting and I want to make things better but can't) I have suggested that maybe he is depressed after the birth and the general situation and he said that he doesn't think so cos he just feels the same way as he has previously.

On the other hand I'm so angry with him for what he has said and that he is taking away this precious time with my new baby cos I can't enjoy her as much as I would cos I'm worried about the future and being on my own if he does leave us.

He finds talking difficult so I'm off to buy a couple of notepads for us both to write our feeligns in about the relationship and anything else over the coming months - I feel for me it will be cathartic and help when I really want to talk and he doesn't, for him I hope that writing down his feeligns and fears will help put them into perspective and help him to work through how he feels whatever the outcome may be.

I just feel sooo sad and can't stop thinking about what he has said and also part of me thinks that maybe we shoudl just call it a day and I can move on and find someone who does love me although not sure this would work as the person I want to love me doesn't Also I really don't want to be a single parent.

Since I last posted things have yet again been up and down. We went to a family party on Fri and it was okay - I felt quite down but did my best to at least look as though I was enjoying myself.

Saturday I went for a massage and left LO with DH. Saturday afternoon he wasn't pulling his weight with the housework and wanted to go out for a ride. I sat down and calmy told him I needed more support and the person he is being at the moment is not what I need. Therefore I am considering if he is what and who I need and whether we have a future together. Left it at that and hey presto he didn't go for a ride, tidied up and looked after LO again.....

Sunday was fine all day we sorted some bits for the holiday and he went on a short bike ride ealry evening - said he would be an hour and was - first time ever that he has done that - think it had more to do with wanting to be back to watch a programme on TV but still he came back.

Then a couple of hours later he suddenly - whilst we were watching TV - went in a strop and was really off with me.

This morning I asked him what was wrong and he said that it was just that he had things to do - make sandwiches for lunch today and iron his clothes... - and he felt as though he was wasting time watching TV!

I explained to him how it had made me feel and that I was upset at his behaviour and attitude towards me. I asked him to see it from my point of view and take responsibility for how it makes me feel. We could have had another arguement but the situation difused and he gave me a kiss before leaving for work.

He is leaving me really confused at the moment. He seems to be blowing hot and cold. I'm trying hard not to let him rile me but last night his behaviour made me upset and I couldn't sleep.

OMG I feel so down. I've just been out with LO and some friends but just didn't feel with it at all Just wanted to cry the whole time we were out and now I'm home I can't stop crying.

I hate feeling like this but feel powerless to get out of the situation. I don't want to tell DH to leave because he will go runnning to the OW. But neither do i want him to stay keeping me in limbo whilst he decides whathe wants. TBH I'm not even sure I want him at all at the moment becuase he is making me feel so bad.

My life feels such a mess and I feel such a failure. This time last year I was newly married, was expected our much wanted baby and had a husband who loved and wanted me. Now look at me. Why is life so cruel

Hang on in there - the moral high ground is so much more comfy in the long run.

I suspect he is still confused and if you 'push' too hard he will just go and be able to 'blame' you too.

I am here for you and know just how bloody hard it is - but you will feel better soon and maybe you will reach a time when you do say enough - but make sure you are completly ready for that and dont feel guilty that you are taking your time and possibly not being 100% truthful about how you feel to him.

You are doing well and I for one will never think you are being a fool - if he wants to go he will find a way.

Take care of yorself and be true to you now.

HW xx

Thanks HW - I know you're having a difficult day too (from your other thread) so thanks for taking the time to offer your support!

I just feel really down today - think that lack of sleep is not helping. I also start anticipating him coming home late which sets me on edge cos usually he is late which of course sets my mind racing about him being with her.

I'm struggling not to ask questions. I so don't want to give the OW any credit or give her too much importance but I'm still so upset and have so many unanswered questions. I know that he will only lie or not give me answers so no point in asking but I feel he should explain himself and he should not be treating me like this.

I don't think I can carry on like this I really don't I want to feel like me again, I want to feel happy and loveed and he so doesn't make me feel either

I know you dont feel like you at the moment - and it is a horrible thing too, to accept that he may have caused you to change forever in some way.

completly understand about not asking him as it is a pointless exercise. Either he will lie or you just wont believe him anyway - no win situation really.

I know everyone says not to give the ow your thoughts but sometimes you need to just to get over it all. And please dont feel bad and that you are failing just because she pops into your head. You never invited her into your life and as much as you want her out you are not in control of that.
But please remember you are so much better than she is - if only because you would not have got into this situation. If hating her for a while helps then do that but you will come to a time when actually it really is not about her at all - but dont feel bad if it is not at the moment.

Hard as it is - know that you can do this alone if you have to - try and remember he is still there with you and it is his choice that he is but live YOUR life and let him be part of it. And i do know this is harder than it sounds (today being a perfect example of that - i know all the therory but not always able to put it into practice.

Good luck and take care.

Feeling a little better today. Last night he came home late - said was busy....not sure if I believe him.

He was loving towards me, asked how my day was was helpful with LO......but there is just something missing at the moment. He is not 'there' and I don't feel that I am either. He is trying - sometimes - but he is distant and not th DH I married.

It's so strange to feel so awkward and remote towards someone whom I have shared my entire adult life with, whom I married only a year ago and who is the father of my baby

Only just seen this, sorry.

So on your behalf.

You're doing so well and being so strong, I know you don't feel it at the moment, but it's true.

It is normal to feel like that, you will need to discuss it sometime but that may not be now - be patient. I still think he is unsure of what he wants and by trying too hard to please him or push him to making a decision will only make him run imo.

If it is to work you will both be able to look back on this time and wonder what the hell was going on - it is tricky but you are doing so very well.

If he leaves it will be because he has completly made that choice and he will have to live with that knowledge too.

Good luck and take care

HW x

HW you are so right he doesn't know what he wants and that's what is so hard. I'm trying hard to be 'unbothered' (if that's a word!) by him and his actions but sometimes that seems to make it feel as though I am condoning his behaviour.

I do try hard to calmly tell him that I don't like his behviour if that is the case anmd try to tell him that when he does x,y or Z it makes me question whether we have a future together.

I suppose I am hoping that our holiday away will give us time alone away from normal life and the OW to be a family and hopefully rediscover each other however I am apprehensive in case time away from OW will have the effect of 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' for DH but at the moment I'm going to have to take that risk. Just hope we can have a 'normal as possible' holiday, and that he will be nicver with me and more responsive and supportive.

I know this had to be tackled and the counselling is essential to work through it but part of me wonders if I'd not made a fuss and not forced the issue maybe it would have just gone away like the other times when he's had doubts....but that would have been kidding myself I suppose

Had a good councselling session today

Actually got chance to talk about me rather than DH!!

Counsellor said I'd been doing all the right things nad that I was visibly more happy and less stressed etc.

DH is on his way home from work - on tinme for the 2nd nite running!

Feeling positive - hope it lasts

Hurray, so do I

You're doing brilliantly.

Hmmm DH emailed earlier to say that he has been given a last minute job to do and will be home later gave me a time he would be finishing but it went almost 30min past this time.

I rang (under the pretext of checking if he liked a certain food I was thinking of cooking for dinner) as I was suspicious that he may have gone out with OW. He answered his work phone after a few rings - slightly too long if he was just sat at his desk....but then he does sometimes work at another desk on the other side of the room. He said he was just finishing and would be coming home soon.

So I know he wasn't out with OW but now I racked with wondering if she is there with him now

I've been so good not asking questions but now I'm desperate to ask him if OW is with him working late ......should I stop myself (if I can) or ask him knowing he may well lie to me if she was? But by asking I'm proving to him if he is messing about again I am on to him......

Arrrghhh I can feel all my positivity draining away

I hope you did stop yourself, I know it can be hard to break the cycle.

How are things this morning?

not quite....but didn't ask as soon as he came through the door. We had a nice evening and actually chatted better than we have in a long time.

I did ask him if she had been in the office in a roundabout way. She wasn't. I did try hard not to say anything tho. (I know I know I shouldn't have said anything but it's sooo hard )

He was lovely all night and when LO woke early hours he offered to see to her and this morning he got up at 6.30am to change her nappy and brought her in to me for a feed.

He stroked my back and cuddled me as I fed her which was lovely and we ended up making love.

Arrrgghhh DH still being tons better, attentive, doing things around the house, going shopping, getting things sorted for the holiday, getting up with and looking after LO.

So why do I still feel so bad/upset/confused/angry etc I was up feeding LO in the night and was going over everything in my mind. I started to worry that the affair started whilst I was pregnant and this really upset me - there is a couple of texts to her one night when I was out when I was preg and they did go out after work - which at the time he explained away and sticks to his guns that this was completely platonic etc.

Then this morning we were having a kiss and a cuddle and he was being lovely but all I could thing was what if he has done this and more with OW or if he is thinking about her whilst doing it with me

I know these are probably normal thoughts and reactions but I am really struggling not to voice how I am feeling to him for fear of ruining the efforts he is putting in at the moment and appearing needy. I don't want to be a fool and be blind to what he has done (if he has done anything sexual or if it started when I was pregnant etc) but likewise I don't want to accuse him of something he hasn't done and cause animosity between us.

God this is so hard to do

MHIS - When do you go on holiday? I go on Tuesday and I am hoping everything will be ok. As we are in a similar boat still, I will be keeping my fingers crossed that you have a great time and enjoy yourself. If you need a rant just text me. Good luck honey xx

The fact that his actions are better means that you are not focusing so much on what he is doing now, and have more time to focus on what he did.

This will give you an opportunity to come to terms with things, but it will also be more painful for you. This is where the trust issue is most burning. You cannot trust that what he has told you is the truth. This is at the crux of the whole thing and it will drive you insane if you let it.

Do you think that you know everything? It sounds like you don't believe him (and I don't blame you, he has not earned your trust yet).

Keep trying not to question him on the little things, as it will stop you being able to discuss anything. The middle of the night is the worst time for dwelling on 'what if's, could you find something to keep your mind off it? Read a book or magazine maybe? These thoughts are natural and normal but not constructive at all (as you are all too aware).

Hope you're feeling better.

Jodyray, I so hope you and MyHeadIsSpinning have great holidays and that they mend some of the hurt. There's nothing like gathering some good memories for re-building trust.

Jodyray - hope you have a good holiday we go later in the week.

YKNOTC - I think you are right. He went out on Sat night with some friends and I was picking him up. Expected a call at 3am but he rang at 12.30am!

Yesterday he was tired and although we were fine on the whole he was a bit snappy at times. We sorted some more bits for the holiday together. We came home and he bathed LO.

Last night he fell asleep whilst watching TV. I went up to bed and he followed a few minutes later. As soon as I gt into bed I was wide awake so read for a while. I tried to go to sleep but my head was on overdrive again. I was on the verge of waking him to ask questions so decided to move in to the spare room instead.

This morning he asked why I's slpet in the other room and I replied cos I was feelinf confused. He asked what about I replied everything, us.

He didn't ask anymore but helped with LO and kissed me on the lips before going out to work.

I just feel sad I want to rewind and somehow stop any of this crap happening. I miss his cuddles, kisses and him saying he loves me. I've stopped - a few weeks back - saying that I love him - we always said it each day and it doesn't seem right not saying it but I feel I don't love him like I did because I'm so hurt and I want him to say it to me

MHIS
What you are feeling is normal and it does sound as if you are not able to trust him yet - that is fine too, so dont be so hard on yourself.

Take the time on holiday to really have a think about what you want from now on - i still dont think you know yet.

Even if he is making a huge effort now please dont feel guilty that any of this is your fault (he is the one who has been decietful after all). If you were to ask my h he would say more has definitely gone on and that he would only tell you what he knows he could get away with. At some point you need to put the ball firmly back in his court and you will need to get it all out in the open (and he will not like this at all- probaly be all defensive and say you are not letting things drop.... can you tell ive heard it all before?). Maybe this is something you need to do with a counsellor who can help you get your point across and also help you see his point of view.

So what i would say is protect yourself by thinking the worst (but here is the hard bit try not to let it ruin your holiday too much) If after a good long think you could forgive him of your worst fears then you can work on it (if not you know you can do it alone anyway - and will be true to yourself). I fear that because there is a degree of doubt still unless you do get all the answers YOU NEED - you not be able to move on in any direction. But please dont feel bad that you need these answers either.

Try and keep positive whist away try not to think too long into the future and remember no-one can take away the lovely memories you will be making on holiday.

Always happy to chat if you cat me - good luck and sorry i have not been around much and probably wont now for a few weeks - kids already broken up for school hols .

MHIS - You have a great time too. I know what you are saying about missing his cuddles, kisses and him saying he loves you as its exactly the same for me. DP has not said he loves me since March!! Not even on my 30th which was a nightmare as I am hiding all my problems from friends and family just as you are and I lost count of the number of people who said...'did you get an engagement ring then for your 30th?!!!' I felt so SHIT all day keep having to say no, knowing full well he didnt ask cos he still aint sure about us. I've also stopped since that day in May - saying that I love him - we too always said it each day and it doesn't seem right not saying it but I also feel I don't love him like I did because I am just getting bitter towards him now and I can feel resentment setting in. I have also noticed that where he used to treat DD1 as his own he now treats her differently in that if he is in a shitty mood with me he is also with her, thats the worst part that he takes it out on a 5yo saying that she aint biological so it doesnt come naturally. Loads of times i have felt like just leaving him to it and i suppose this holiday will make or break it?! Dont dwell on what he has or has not done on holiday just try and enjoy it and make the most of the time that you have together. Make the best of it for you and LO. I will log on tomorrow to say bye but if i dont catch you online then good luck and I am back on 23rd....Salou here we come...almost!!!

Wishing you a fantastic holiday

Hope it all goes really well. x

Thanks YKNOTC and Jodyray Have a fab time x

Having a bit of a shitty night He's being off with me but I'm reacting by being snappy

Not sure if he is being funny cos I slept in the spare room last night ....

Cheers both of you! I am off now so see ya in 2 weeks. Hope the weather picks up YKNOTC and MHIS dont worry its just typical male PMT cos he is feeling all rejected like a child!!! xx

Help!
I'm feeling really down today. I have spent the day either in or on the verge of tears. Can't put my finger on why just having horrible thoughts about what has happened/what might have happened and the future.

I'm not sure I want to go on holiday. I think I am panicing that we will have a horrible time

For the first time today a thought struck me - how could he have been so hurtful as to get involved with another woman. We have been together years and he knows how much him being with someone else especially confiding in them would hurt me. Why would he be so cruel and why would he want to hurt me?

I texted him (and a few friends etc) earlier today to update him on DD's weight increase this week - a massive acheivement. Everyone else without exception txt back to say that she is doing so well. Her Daddy couldn't be bothered. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he is at work but after lunch he still hadn't commented so I rang to check he had got the txt - he had but said the signal was bad so not text back- funny that he could always txt the OW at work when she was only 3 ft away from him! and he went out for his lunch so could have txt then

I'm trying to get through today as I have counselling tomorrow and will talk it through with my counsellor re what I should do. Just feeling crap today

So sorry you're having a hard time. You are entirely valid in feeling this way. He has betrayed you. I get the feeling that this is it finally sinking in for you. Once it has you will then be able to decide whether or not this relationship is for you. I hope counselling helps this afternoon.

He does care about dd, he just doesn't see how important it is that he express it - particularly as you feel he rejected both of you.

When does your holiday start? Your feelings about that are normal too. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Do go!

x