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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my ex still interested

100 replies

Ca90rla · 02/01/2024 14:07

Hi im wondering of anyone has experienced anything similar to this and if you have any advice for me.
My ex lost his nan at the beginning of the year and a month later told me he needed space and time obviously there was alot of questions and things said then 4 months later we kind of just stopped contacting each other. We only spoke when it concerned our daughter who is 1.
He didn't see her for a while and she become really uncomfortable when she saw him and she now needs to get used to him again.
In November after jot speaking for a long time he randomly sent me money for my birthday and I sent it back with no contact. Then recently he asked me of I could take our daughter to see him and stay with her until she settled then me to leave which I did. When there he was telling his private life like bills etc and about his other children.
2 days later he messaged to see if I was able to take my daughter again but not to leave her and then not heard from him since.

Do you think he's still interested?? Or does anyone understand his logic ??

OP posts:

Catoo · 02/01/2024 14:21

Sounds like he met someone else.

His new relationship took priority for a while even over his own DC.

Maybe they broke up, maybe the novelty wore off, maybe they are on and off again.

But no, at the moment I don’t think he’s interested in getting back together. Men let you know if they are.

Don’t wait around for this one OP. Men who love their partner don’t leave them and their DC because their nan died. He’s been cruel leaving you to think there is hope.

Keep all contact about DC only. Grey rock all other conversations he starts.
💐

Original poster

Ca90rla · 02/01/2024 15:54

Okay thankyou
I just dont get why he would want me to go to his house and sit there if he was with someone else and I dont understand why he would send me money for my birthday.
We did not end on bad terms and he was saying I have nothing to worry about and we're going to be fine but then the actions are not the same if that makes sense.
If he has moved on why would he still want me to go round to his house instead of seeing the baby without me ??

OP posts:

Whiskerson · 02/01/2024 16:03

The children sound like an afterthought here. It's a bit odd that you only mention halfway through that you have a one-year-old with this man. It's also a bit odd that this grown man upped and left his young family for "space and time" because "his nan died". You're describing the relationship as if you're a pair of teenagers, but you have created a family together and it sounds like your child (and his other children) are just trailing in the wake of his whims and your passivity. He needs to step up to his responsibilities, and you need to stop mooning around wondering if he still fancies you.

Original poster

Ca90rla · 02/01/2024 16:09

I'm not acting like a teenager. He was claiming he had depression and needed time and space he was still seeing me and the baby for 4 months after he wanted time and space he has never ended the relationship. We didn't speak for so long then he messages for me to go round to see his child.
I am not a passive person im trying to do what is best for my child but I'm also confused why he would still want me around and why he can't just straight tell me that we are fully over or whether he has had enough time

OP posts:

Original poster

Ca90rla · 02/01/2024 16:11

Obviously I have shortened everything and not posted the whole story I've tried having conversations with him regarding arrangements for our child etc I dont act like a teenager and I'm not passive I'm doing what's best for my child and I was happy with not speaking to him or seeing him but then I got confused when he sent me money for my birthday and then asked me to take the baby round to see him

OP posts:

Whiskerson · 02/01/2024 16:17

I think you need to think about what you need and what your child needs, and then make it happen. He's unreliable. You can challenge him to step up, but you can't rely on him. That's in terms of family life.

In terms of romance, well, he moved out a year ago and has only invited you over in order to bring the child to him. Again, if you want to rekindle the romantic relationship, you need to be direct with him and see what he says. It doesn't look great on that front, though. The fact that he whinges to you about his bills and his other kids is not exactly flirting or affection. If he's just going to dither and dick you about, that will be bad for you and therefore bad for your child. A clean break sounds better - then you won't let emotional dependence cloud your mind.

Whiskerson · 02/01/2024 16:19

I assume the money was a tiny gesture towards the cost of raising his child. A glimmer of decency towards the family he abandoned. Not exactly a bunch of flowers and dinner for two.

Original poster

Ca90rla · 02/01/2024 16:27

No he sent it to my bank on my birthday and the reference said happy birthday so it was for me he gives me 50 pounds a month for the baby

OP posts:

Perimama · 02/01/2024 16:35

I think you should ask him where he sees the future of your relationship. If he is wishy washy in response, I would move on for the sake of you and your child. There are plenty of people out there who suffer from depression but don't abandon their child.

Whiskerson · 02/01/2024 16:36

Ca90rla · 02/01/2024 16:27

No he sent it to my bank on my birthday and the reference said happy birthday so it was for me he gives me 50 pounds a month for the baby

Yeah, I'm not suggesting it wasn't for your birthday, I'm saying that a cash transfer from the father of your child says "I owe you this/I think you need this", rather than "I am in love with you and want to show it". It would feel weird to me to get a bank transfer as a birthday present from someone I was in a romantic relationship with.

But you just need to ask him how he feels, instead of hoping to read his heart through a bank statement. And make sure you're not asking him in a way that effectively says "I am here for casual sex, if and when you can be bothered".

He needs to respect and support you as the mother of his child regardless of whether he fancies you. Make sure the first is covered, and then you can address the second. The second is not a route to the first.

Original poster

Ca90rla · 02/01/2024 16:43

Ok thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

Ca90rla · 02/01/2024 16:44

No we have only not had no contact since September its only been 4 months

OP posts:

Original poster

Ca90rla · 02/01/2024 16:45

Also he still sees his other 2 children from previous relationship before ours and he is a good dad that's why I don't understand why he's not malong more effort with our daughter

OP posts:

Catoo · 02/01/2024 17:13

OP he has finished this relationship.

He may not have said the words but his actions show you it is over.

Maybe he invited you and DC over because he was lonely or felt guilty. Same for the birthday money, he felt guilty in that moment.

He left you and DC and wasn’t kind or fair to you about what’s going on. He’ll feel bad about that now and again. Once he stops navel-gazing. Maybe one day he’ll beg you for another chance. I hope that if he does you will have moved on.

What happened with his previous relationship? Did he see those DC while dating you? Could he be back in a relationship with their mother?

💐

Original poster

Ca90rla · 02/01/2024 17:15

He was with her for 12 years and they have been split for 4 years she has a new partner and yes he saw the kids when I was with him he still sees them now. They have an okay relationship for the children

OP posts:

Original poster

Ca90rla · 02/01/2024 17:17

When I took the baby there last week the other 2 children were there and we all sat together and laughed as we used to

OP posts:

Muchof · 02/01/2024 19:23

Ca90rla · 02/01/2024 15:54

Stop kidding yourself. He has had a slight attack of a guilty conscience about your daughter but isn’t brave enough to have her by himself.

You say you didn’t end on bad terms, well it sounds pretty appalling to me. Nobody ends their relationship because their grandmother dies, then he stops contact with his child.

Honestly why on earth would you want this utter waste of space back. You are well rid.

Original poster

Ca90rla · 02/01/2024 19:32

We didn't he had no reason to end anything we had never had an argument there was nothing negative in the relationship. I'm not saying I want to get back with him just finding it strange and confusing and just want to see if anyone else has experienced anything similar because I haven't my exes have always just been straight up and put it in black and white

OP posts:

Original poster

Ca90rla · 02/01/2024 19:44

And why would he not be brave enough to have her on his own because he used to and also he is fine having is other 2 children on his own. Until you know all the information please don't be rude or I'd rather you just not say anything

OP posts:

Chichimcgee · 02/01/2024 19:49

You left your child with someone they don’t know and is uncomfortable with?

you’re more concerned if he wants to get back together but then say he never ended it?

he abandoned his young family because his nan died and now has you running round so he can see the child he never gave a damn about?

Original poster

Ca90rla · 02/01/2024 19:52

No she does know him so after he said he wanted a break in May he still saw the baby and me all the time until the end of August. Then we stopped talking and he was seeing her like once a week then he just didn't contact and then he was seeing her like every 3 weeks then there was a time where he didn't see her for 5 weeks.
As I said im not concerned if he wants to get back with me I never said I wanted to get back with him but his actions are making me confused and was just seeing if anyone knew why he was doing what he is doing

OP posts:

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 02/01/2024 19:56

He is keeping you on the back burner while he is currently invested in another woman.

Chichimcgee · 02/01/2024 19:56

He didn't see her for a while and she become really uncomfortable when she saw him and she now needs to get used to him again

you said this and then left her with him. That’s horrible.

hes doing it because he’s a prick. Move on. Get child arrangements in place. If he breaks them don’t leave your child with someone she’s uncomfortable with.

Whiskerson · 02/01/2024 19:56

Ca90rla · 02/01/2024 19:44

Seems pretty reasonable to ask you stay with the baby when you visit, doesn't it? I'd rather not drop a one year old off with a man she has hardly seen for months, as I'd expect her to be crying for mummy as soon as I left. Unless you two can't be in the same room as each other, then why wouldn't you stay, to reassure the little one and let them get to know each other again at her pace?

All the answers about his behaviour are basically because he's a deadbeat who isn't that into any of it. He doesn't sound like someone with a lot of grit and get-up-and-go, put it that way.

Original poster

Ca90rla · 02/01/2024 19:58

Okay I never said I left her with him when I took her there I stayed with her and when she was settled with him I left her with him and his other 2 children for 2 hours and then he brought her back to me I would never just leave her im not stupid

OP posts:

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