Feeling immense guilt about going on holiday with my new partner

[Butterflybutterfly101]

Hi all. I’ve been divorced for four years, and a mum of two. DS is 21 and DD is 16. It’s been a rough four years with the divorce and Covid and my daughter has suffered with a lot of health problems since she was young and I haven’t had a holiday for 4 years and I haven’t been away from her for more than a few days in 16 years.

My son is at university and my daughter is with me almost all of the time but spends one or sometimes more nights with her dad who lives 15 mins away.

last year I met someone new, it’s going very well and my kids started meeting him
and he started coming to my house about 6 months ago. Kids like him, our daughters get on well. The thing is he wants us to have one holiday together (we don’t get a great deal of alone time), hes suggested we go for two weeks in March but I’m hesitating because I know my daughter will be really unhappy about it, about me having a holiday without her. I mentioned it to her in passing recently and she got extremely grumpy and it and gave me a huge guilt trip about being a bad mum because mums don’t do that. I reminded her that she had a holiday with with her dad last summer and a holiday in Spain with her friends family but she insists that’s different. I feel like I’m being bullied a bit by her but I also wonder if maybe she’s right and it’s unfair. I worry that she’ll just think I’ve met someone and now she’s pushed aside and missing out. I’ve told her we’ll all do something at Easter (my partner has a family place to stay in Ireland by the sea). She could stay with her dad or bother whilst I’m away so there’s not an issue.

Anyway, I’d love to know what all think? Should I skip the winter holiday and wait for us all to do something in Easter or summer or should I go for it because I need to decide soon.

Thanks in advance 😊

Maybe start with a weekend away, then a week then two weeks in the Summer to let her get used to it?

I wouldn’t go on a 2 week holiday without my 16 year old unless they were doing something else fun at the time and therefore were OK with it.

I’d compromise with a shorter break.

I definitely wouldn't go for two weeks, but I think it's reasonable that you live your own life to a certain extent. Your daughter is 16, not 6. You can't pander to her forever, and she needs to learn that what other people need is important, too. What happens when she's 20 and still has this attitude?

Yes I think you’re probably right. Thanks

2 weeks would be too long for me. Maybe try a long weekend first.

Even leaving your DD out.of it, 2 weeks is quite a long time to go away with someone you don't live with yet.

It's enough time for any cracks in the relationship to show, and you're stuck with them in another country.

Factoring your daughter in, I don't think the holiday itself is a problem, me and DP have been away loads together without DD, but the amount of time would give me pause. I wouldn't want to spend two weeks of annual leave, almost half my yearly allocation on something that didn't involve DD, especially as she's off to uni in a couple of years.

I barely see my 16yo these days, she's either out with friends or holed up in her room with a mountain of school work. Those times that we're both off and can spend some quality time together are precious to me.

I think a week or perhaps 4/5 nights in the sun would be a good compromise.

Thank you. That’s what I’m worried about. She is very independent now and goes away for weekends or weeks without me. U think she just doesn’t want to miss out on a holiday which I can understand

I wouldn't got for 2 weeks. I'd start with a long weekend or a few days. And make sure she has something fun to do at the same time.

It eases your DD into the idea, and it's also safer when going with someone for the first time - 2 weeks is a long time if you decide on day 3 you can't bear him for more than 2 days at a time!

Isn’t it GCSE year for your DD? Is this a worry for her? I think a week would be more suitable at this stage.

No it’s not GCSE’s. She isn’t in mainstream school. I definitely wouldn’t go if it was.

I’d go. It’s not as if she’s being abandoned.

No she’d stay with her dad

My parents were not divorced, but they wouldn’t have excluded me from a two week holiday unless I wanted to be excluded (which I did and enjoyed staying at home alone). Two weeks is too much, book a week, away with boyfriend and a week away with daughter.

As others have said, regardless of the issue with your daughter, 2 weeks is a long time to go away with a new partner, especially when you said you don’t normally have a lot of alone time. That’s 7 whole weekends worth of time together, quite intense for a first holiday!

If have any issues / arguments/ miss your children / find you both have some annoying habits this is going to be seriously amplified. Been with my partner a LONG time and not sure I’d want to go away for 2 weeks just us (but of course everyone is different). I’d start off with a city break or a long weekend and if all goes well plan something longer after that.

I'd go. She's only salty because you're having a holiday and she's not. She's not a small child and is old enough to understand that she can't join in with everything you do.

There are two seperate things here.

Firstly, 2 weeks away with a new partner IMHO is too long if you haven't spent any weekends away. Start off with that firtly.

Secondly, your daughter is 16, and she needs to build up some resilience in life. You are allowed to do things as an adult that don't include her. Just like she can do things without you.

Well it's maybe about time your ex pulled his weight, as an occasional night when he's just 15 mins away is woeful.
I bet your ex has had lots of times for hols and your DD hasn't batted an eyelid. It could be good for them to spend more time together. Having said that, I'd say go for a week initially, 2 weeks is a bit long. But also, if your DD goes away for weeks at a time, could you not just coordinate yours with then if you want longer?

Yes, I’d do a shorter break first. How about a long weekend? A fortnight is too big an adjustment first.

But your comment that she is bullying you a little is significant. Teens can be like this, to some extent, whatever the circumstances are, and we need to push back on that.

Go on the holiday, she's 16 not 6!
Enjoy yourself, you can always arrange another trip away, kids included.
As you said she's been away with her dad and friends - she's not missing out.
If you're worried about 2 weeks do a week or 10 days, but don't miss out because your nearly adult daughter is guilt tripping you, you are entitled to a life too.

I think you should go.

My parents are still married but they had at least a weekend away without us every year, and my mum also took each of us away individually leaving the others at home with dad. This isn't really that different.

She goes away without you. Why are you not allowed 2 weeks in 16 years?

That said, i would message it carefully - ask her gently what she's worried about. But being a bad mum because mums don’t do that. just isn't true.

Also, has he dad not been away without her?

This.
She's 16 fgs, go and enjoy yourself, she enjoys her trips away but there's a different set of rules for you?
What's her reasoning?
She doesn't want you to go?
It's not fair (in a whiny voice)
I'll bet exdh doesn't have to check with dd before he goes anywhere.
Honestly some of the replies on MN, you practically have to flagellate yourself at the altar of DC or DSC.
You're entitled to a life outside of just being a parent, you're not abandoning dd, you're not being cruel or abusive, you're not leaving her to her fate, you just want a two week break.
You've tried having a conversation and did think that if she's grumpy you'll stay at home.
That's not a good life lesson for dd, I'll throw a strop and get my own way.

I think if your DD usually lives wit you, a 2 week holiday without her isn't okay. DH and I might go away for a weekend together, but at this point, it would be mean to leave them with someone else and go off for two weeks.

It does sound to me though like perhaps your DD pressurises you and manipulates you into doing things that perhaps you'd rather not, but if that's the case, this is NOT the situation to make a stand on. It's way too extreme and even if she was not clingy or needy, it's too much. Rather, identify where the problem is and start addressing it at source. eg if she has a meltdown if you have dinner out without her, that's a line you have every right to make a stand on.