Feeling immense guilt about going on holiday with my new partner

[Butterflybutterfly101]

Hi all. I’ve been divorced for four years, and a mum of two. DS is 21 and DD is 16. It’s been a rough four years with the divorce and Covid and my daughter has suffered with a lot of health problems since she was young and I haven’t had a holiday for 4 years and I haven’t been away from her for more than a few days in 16 years.

My son is at university and my daughter is with me almost all of the time but spends one or sometimes more nights with her dad who lives 15 mins away.

last year I met someone new, it’s going very well and my kids started meeting him
and he started coming to my house about 6 months ago. Kids like him, our daughters get on well. The thing is he wants us to have one holiday together (we don’t get a great deal of alone time), hes suggested we go for two weeks in March but I’m hesitating because I know my daughter will be really unhappy about it, about me having a holiday without her. I mentioned it to her in passing recently and she got extremely grumpy and it and gave me a huge guilt trip about being a bad mum because mums don’t do that. I reminded her that she had a holiday with with her dad last summer and a holiday in Spain with her friends family but she insists that’s different. I feel like I’m being bullied a bit by her but I also wonder if maybe she’s right and it’s unfair. I worry that she’ll just think I’ve met someone and now she’s pushed aside and missing out. I’ve told her we’ll all do something at Easter (my partner has a family place to stay in Ireland by the sea). She could stay with her dad or bother whilst I’m away so there’s not an issue.

Anyway, I’d love to know what all think? Should I skip the winter holiday and wait for us all to do something in Easter or summer or should I go for it because I need to decide soon.

Thanks in advance 😊

Yes we do have solo trips but they are usually weekends or a few days abroad because it can be tricky financially for me which is why her main summer holiday is with her dad.

And “poor daughter”! Really?

I haven’t had a holiday for 4 years and I haven’t been away from her for more than a few days in 16 years.

OP, I don’t know how you’ve managed to cope without a proper holiday for so long. Some of the responses here are truly mind-boggling. Your daughter is old enough to cope with you being away for 2 weeks (she certainly coped being away from you when she went on holiday!) She is being selfish, immature and manipulative - it reminds me of my DD’s behaviour when she was around 8/9 and jealous that I was going on holiday with my new partner without her (even she admitted she was being unreasonable when I pointed out how she’s perfectly happy to go on holiday without me). Your daughter is so much older, I’m sure she can understand the need for you to have a break. Unless she is particularly fragile, I do think she can grasp what an 8/9 year old understands. Please go on the holiday and enjoy your quality time with your partner. It’s important to have that 1:1 time without kids, and it sounds like you’ve already spent a lot of time blending families anyway.

I find this a bit bizarre too.

Once 16 year olds start going away with friends, that is when parents get to do the same.

If she would miss you, then cut it down to 7-10 days. If, however, she has FOMO, tough!

Thank you for your lovely reply. I’ve been feeling so bad and actually quite upset after reading most of them.

no, my daughter is no longer fragile, she’s well and happy and independent and goes away with friends to little camping trips and has had three holidays abroad last year without me. She doesn’t mind when her dad goes away, in fact she doesn’t bat an eyelid, and yes I’m the only one who hasn’t been away for some difficult years, and I recently lost my sister so I think I need it. I’ve decided I’m going to go and enjoy myself. I guess being judged is all part of posting on here and ultimately only I know if things will be okay. I know its just FOMO on her part..

Thanks again for making me not feel like a terrible mother

Thank you for your lovely reply. I’ve been feeling so bad and actually quite upset after reading most of them.

no, my daughter is no longer fragile, she’s well and happy and independent and goes away with friends to little camping trips and has had three holidays abroad last year without me. She doesn’t mind when her dad goes away, in fact she doesn’t bat an eyelid, and yes I’m the only one who hasn’t been away for some difficult years, and I recently lost my sister so I think I need it. I’ve decided I’m going to go and enjoy myself. I guess being judged is all part of posting on here and ultimately only I know if things will be okay. I know its just FOMO on her part..

Thanks again for making me not feel like a terrible mother

You were being selfish. I still think the OP should go for a shorter break, but since she has decided to only listen to posts which agree with her (even though most of them don't) there is no point in arguing. My mother would NEVER have left me at age 8 to go on holiday with a new partner! Give your head a wobble.

Why bother posting at all if you are going to ignore all the advice and just do what you want anyway?

Oh so charming. I have made my decision BASED on the advice and the fact that it gave me food for thought. I’m sorry if my post has upset you in some way.

Also it’s not advice it’s a very mixed bag of opinions.

8? My daughter is almost 17.

@VanityDiesHard Good for you…. 🙄 However you know nothing of my custody arrangements so your comment is rather ignorant.

OP, enjoy your holiday and no need to be a martyr, it’s clear there are plenty others who enjoy doing that 😇

I'd probably just do a week rather than two when she's that age (and that's exactly what I did when I was in your situation). Give it a couple of years and she'll be more independent.

Yeah, I was talking to the PP who said that she left her eight year old daughter while she went off on holiday, and then bullied the poor girl into admitting that she was 'a snowflake'. If that's the sort of person you want to take advice from, you do you, but don't be surprised if others don't agree or that your daughter won't be happy and may hold it against you. How long have you even known this man, anyway?

2 weeks is way too long. You haven't been with this man long enough for that length of holiday without your DD. I would consider a few days in Portugal or something or perhaps Italy.

Could you afford to do a girls trip for a few days with your DD also to offer some balance? Explain to your DD that you want to find happiness too.

This is a great idea but OP will just ignore you and huff that she DESERVES a holiday, so you're wasting your breath.

Of course you should go, OP. Your child is 16 - lots of 16 year olds (her included, from the sounds of if) holiday with friends etc at this age anyway. She will be perfectly fine without you - she is being quite unfair trying to stop you, actually. Especially as you say she does not bat an eyelid when her dad goes away!

I would pay no mind to the people having a go at you about it on here. What often happens is that somebody posts an opinion and then lots of posters just copy that first opinion.

In the real world I don't know a single person who would advise against you going away in the circumstances you describe. I know loads of divorced parents, and they all holiday sometimes without their child - providing you take your child away at another time, so she is not missing out on ever getting the chance of a holiday, it's fine.

Im the same age as her and it sounds like she's just jel ur going on a nice holiday tbh you should definitely go, she'll be with her dad anyway so what's the problem?

My DD is 16 and very independent, but she does want my time. I think it's a really critical time for them as they go through the adjustment of transition to being an adult. She loves just doing stuff together with me e.g. cooking, shopping. Equally, she plans lots of activities with just her friends.
I would go for a shorter holiday with your partner and plan a trip for just you and her. We went to Paris on the Eurostar recently for 3 nights and we both loved it.
Good luck!

And what is all this "how long have you even known this man?" slut-shaming nonsense? What business is that of anyone else's, and what possible relevance does it have? If OP wants to go for a two week break to swingers' resort and shag different people on the hour every hour she's morally perfectly entitled to as long as it's all consensual, and it will not impact on her child in any way, providing she doesn't take her with her or describe it to her......

Have you actually read what we have said? We haven't said not to go away at all, just not for two weeks!?

@Ilovelurchers 😂😂😂😂😂 woah what a massive leap. Sorry to burst your bubble but it DOES make a difference to how long OP or anybody has been dating hence why several people have asked. OP isn't a childless person regardless of her DD been 16! She even said herself she hasn't been away more than a few days without her. So if that was the case like you are saying.... it would be different BUT its not!

I'd suggest a week maximum first x

I wouldn’t leave my dd16 for two weeks, no, and she is healthy and in mainstream school. It sounds like she has been through a really tough time and still needs you.

If she has only spent a night or two at best with her father, they don’t sound close at all.

a long weekend would be best, a week at a push. Two weeks is just selfish. So at least own it if you choose to leave her for that long. You know this isn’t right given the circumstances. You just want people to validate your poor judgment on this.

Book a longer break when she is away with her father so it’s not as difficult for her.