Feeling immense guilt about going on holiday with my new partner

[Butterflybutterfly101]

Hi all. I’ve been divorced for four years, and a mum of two. DS is 21 and DD is 16. It’s been a rough four years with the divorce and Covid and my daughter has suffered with a lot of health problems since she was young and I haven’t had a holiday for 4 years and I haven’t been away from her for more than a few days in 16 years.

My son is at university and my daughter is with me almost all of the time but spends one or sometimes more nights with her dad who lives 15 mins away.

last year I met someone new, it’s going very well and my kids started meeting him
and he started coming to my house about 6 months ago. Kids like him, our daughters get on well. The thing is he wants us to have one holiday together (we don’t get a great deal of alone time), hes suggested we go for two weeks in March but I’m hesitating because I know my daughter will be really unhappy about it, about me having a holiday without her. I mentioned it to her in passing recently and she got extremely grumpy and it and gave me a huge guilt trip about being a bad mum because mums don’t do that. I reminded her that she had a holiday with with her dad last summer and a holiday in Spain with her friends family but she insists that’s different. I feel like I’m being bullied a bit by her but I also wonder if maybe she’s right and it’s unfair. I worry that she’ll just think I’ve met someone and now she’s pushed aside and missing out. I’ve told her we’ll all do something at Easter (my partner has a family place to stay in Ireland by the sea). She could stay with her dad or bother whilst I’m away so there’s not an issue.

Anyway, I’d love to know what all think? Should I skip the winter holiday and wait for us all to do something in Easter or summer or should I go for it because I need to decide soon.

Thanks in advance 😊

OP you say your daughter is not in main stream school, in that case does she have alternative provision? If so l would have thought that would need to be factored into your decision.

Oh course it’s factored in. She’d stay with her father for two weeks and her education wouldn’t be disrupted at all.

I had this last year. I took my 16 yr old with us on a family holiday and then went later in the year as a couple. I feel like I gave them their holiday so felt less guilt. I will continue to go with my boyfriend but 2 weeks is too long. I do week long hols.

Just clearing up the fact that my relationship will withstand a two week holiday. We have spent a lot of time together but often we have our girls with us. We have had plenty of weekends away together with and without kids. When my daughter is with her dad I have time with my daughter. I understand what it means to go away on holiday with someone that is a relatively new partner but I really I just wanted the opinions regarding having a holiday for two weeks without my daughter

Thanks for the advice but we have spent enough time together for me to feel confident that a holiday wouldn’t be to much

OP, as others have said 2 weeks is too long a stretch for your daughter as she has made clear. She has expressed her feelings and made it plain she isn't happy. Only you know if that's because she feels left out or because she feels that's too long to be away from you.

I'd definitely go without her. She can't dictate what you do and she's had holidays. But I'd go just for a week, not a fortnight.

I think you should go, she’s 16 not 6. This is likely her last year of a family holiday anyway, start building your life with your new partner, your kids are growing up.

I’d go but probably only for a week.

Two weeks seems too long as a starting holiday but a long weekend city break seems a good compromise.

Take your daughter on a girls weekend before you go away without her. Maybe go for a week rather than two.

My partner and I go for a week on our own every year.

We don't live together yet either as our kids were in schools/wrong age etc

We take them away together every year for two weeks somewhere cool like the US etc so I have absolutely no issue with DD14 not coming with us for our week away.

It just needs to be balanced but adults do have their own lives too!

I think it's fine to go the two of you but I'd compromise and do a week. Two weeks is a long time to be away.

How long were her holidays with her dad?

Does her dad go on holiday without her?

It seems really unfair that you should be the only one in the family who can't go away. I think she's being manipulative and bullying you, tbh.

I wouldn't have gone away without my kids (at that age) if they hadn't had a holiday either. I would have felt that was mean, to tell them I was having a holiday and they weren't. But your daughter has had two holidays while you've had nothing. That's not fair.

Two weeks is a long time, I see her point TBH. I don't know why your partner thought it was appropriate to suggest but you should set him straight. I think a week is the absolute maximum you should go away with him, at least for now. A long weekend might be better.

For two weeks!? And she is sixteen, so not a small child but still at a very vulnerable age. I think OP is right to question this and should compromise by having a shorter holiday.

I think 2 weeks is quite long so would compromise on 1 week or 10 days with the first trip away from your daughter.

You mention she had a holiday with her dad last year. Is he taking her on holiday again this year? Because if so then I would book the holiday with new boyfriend whilst she is away herself.

I’ve told her we’ll all do something at Easter (my partner has a family place to stay in Ireland by the sea).

Leave your boyfriend out of it (he's not your partner) and take your DD away without him.

I'd definitely do a week in March OP.

I am in a similar position to you with partner of 3 years and teenage dc.
I echo other posts staying start with a weekend.

We usually have a few weekends away just the two of us and a proper summer holiday with dc - I think this is a good opportunity for partner/dc to bond and all have fun.

Also, I try and schedule trips away when dc is away on school trips or with ex, so they don’t feel too abandoned.

5 nights is the longest I have done and tbh I don’t know if I would again, it just feels too long to be away from them - but obviously different for everyone.

Exactly! Why this push to play happy families? No wonder the poor daughter is acting up.

And also agree with the poster on going away just with dc - we still have solo trips as we always went away just the two of us before I met DP.

This OP.

There is no “push” whatsoever to “play happy families”. My daughter and my partners daughter get on well and actively ask to spend time together. My daughter and I do have solo trips and do things together a lot it’s not like I don’t just not do anything alone with her. Somehow I feel my post has been taken as a stick to beat me with and like somehow I’m being a bad parent.