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Original poster

Feeling immense guilt about going on holiday with my new partner

103 replies

Butterflybutterfly101 · 02/01/2024 12:33

Hi all. I’ve been divorced for four years, and a mum of two. DS is 21 and DD is 16. It’s been a rough four years with the divorce and Covid and my daughter has suffered with a lot of health problems since she was young and I haven’t had a holiday for 4 years and I haven’t been away from her for more than a few days in 16 years.

My son is at university and my daughter is with me almost all of the time but spends one or sometimes more nights with her dad who lives 15 mins away.

last year I met someone new, it’s going very well and my kids started meeting him
and he started coming to my house about 6 months ago. Kids like him, our daughters get on well. The thing is he wants us to have one holiday together (we don’t get a great deal of alone time), hes suggested we go for two weeks in March but I’m hesitating because I know my daughter will be really unhappy about it, about me having a holiday without her. I mentioned it to her in passing recently and she got extremely grumpy and it and gave me a huge guilt trip about being a bad mum because mums don’t do that. I reminded her that she had a holiday with with her dad last summer and a holiday in Spain with her friends family but she insists that’s different. I feel like I’m being bullied a bit by her but I also wonder if maybe she’s right and it’s unfair. I worry that she’ll just think I’ve met someone and now she’s pushed aside and missing out. I’ve told her we’ll all do something at Easter (my partner has a family place to stay in Ireland by the sea). She could stay with her dad or bother whilst I’m away so there’s not an issue.

Anyway, I’d love to know what all think? Should I skip the winter holiday and wait for us all to do something in Easter or summer or should I go for it because I need to decide soon.

Thanks in advance 😊

OP posts:
Josephinehetty · 03/01/2024 18:41

Agree with some posters, I wouldn't leave my 16 year old daughter for a holiday in a relatively new relationship. Actually, we have been together 8 years and I have still always taken her along and will continue to do so until she meets someone of her own. Weekends fine.

Floofydawg · 03/01/2024 18:43

Ilovelurchers · 03/01/2024 18:24

And what is all this "how long have you even known this man?" slut-shaming nonsense? What business is that of anyone else's, and what possible relevance does it have? If OP wants to go for a two week break to swingers' resort and shag different people on the hour every hour she's morally perfectly entitled to as long as it's all consensual, and it will not impact on her child in any way, providing she doesn't take her with her or describe it to her......

Completely agree. The judgement of some of these comments is 🙄

itsmylife7 · 03/01/2024 18:50

Go on your 2 week holiday OP.

Ignore the the people who are trying to make you feel bad.

The fact your ex goes away and she doesn't have an issue...says a lot.

You,as a Mother, have to sacrifice your holiday etc because your 16yr old says No.

Go and have a lovely time.

RedRock41 · 03/01/2024 18:55

Two weeks is too long imho. In almost 20 years had 4 days break at most at any one time but that’s just being a Mum and know others be same.

A couple of nights and take things slowly if you not in habit of being away that long be much better. Just my view… Why not say to your DD you were thinking about what she said and she’s right. Instead you’re just going for a weekend. Good memory for her to feel validated and loved… that you chose her when it mattered…alternative is her remembering even though she said she’d feel upset that you disregarded her feelings and went away anyway for two weeks…

She’s almost grown. If it was me (and itstnot) I’d be more patient. You and new bloke will soon be able to go away for longer. Plus you have the option to time your getaway when she is away on a holiday too?

whatthehellnow23 · 03/01/2024 18:59

1 weeks not two... or two separate weeks away maybe.
Don't feel guilty!

AndOnAndOn1000 · 03/01/2024 23:42

I think you should go.
You deserve it.
With the greatest respect your DD is being a bit selfish and not thinking about you, and she’s done very well on the holiday front.
It’s your turn now.

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/01/2024 23:45

Can’t dad take her on holiday at the same time?

Wanna17 · 04/01/2024 00:43

I think people in new relationships should be careful not to exclude their children from holidays if they've not taken the children away together already. Why would you even consider that? He just wants to get laid, put your children first

MMadness · 04/01/2024 01:08

I'm in the minority I think, because I'd go.

Is it you she'll miss, or just grumpy because she doesn't get the holiday?

Our children don't need us to sacrifice every single part of our lives for them all the time. Especially teenagers.

Life passes us by while we're making everyone else happy.

audweb · 04/01/2024 01:12

I’d go. I go away for a week from my kid, as a single parent who does 99 percent of the care, I have no qualms about taking a break. If she goes on holiday without you, and her dad goes and she doesn’t mind, she just needs to get used to the fact that you have your life as well. I think at 16 she should be able to cope with two weeks.

if two weeks at once feels like too much do two seperate holidays of a week.

robbiJ65 · 04/01/2024 17:39

I brought my children up alone for 20 years. I met someone new and we married. All was well. I'm keeping this brief, but roll on another 14 years and my adult kids are now all in their 30s. Husband died 4 years ago. Adult kids have been really difficult, not speaking to me, ignoring calls, this has gone on for years. I finally got an answer for their behaviour. They are all punishing me for going on holiday with my husband over 5 years ago! That is my crime. They were in late 20s. Had left home and has good jobs. But have now decided to ignore me because I went on holiday without them. So the answer to your question is, no one knows how your daughter will react. But whatever you do, will be wrong. Being a single parent, dedicating your life to them, means nothing. They will find some reason to make you suffer.

Zanatdy · 04/01/2024 17:41

2wks is a lot, I’d also suggest a weekend

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/01/2024 17:50

Good lord. Go, and enjoy it !

The only point of confusion for me is you are planning two weeks away with the BF in March and will go away with DD at Easter? But financially holidays are tricky? That's really close together but how you or he are paying for it is your own business.

Have a great time - time for your Ex to step up and your DD to see you as an adult in your own right, not her maidservant.

booni13 · 04/01/2024 17:50

I would go on the holiday.

You've had a tough time and you deserve some happiness.

Your Daughter will be fine. At the end of the day, you are important too. You've spent your whole life looking after her, why shouldn't you be allowed a holiday!!

RedRock41 · 04/01/2024 23:17

This thread imho comes across as a bit manipulative. The title suggests one thing but the reaction to posts OP does not agree with verging on hostile indicating true feelings very different… could be the old people ask for advice but what they really want is corroboration… regardless think we could all do with a 2 week break now 😉 🏝️

Floofydawg · 05/01/2024 06:48

robbiJ65 · 04/01/2024 17:39

I brought my children up alone for 20 years. I met someone new and we married. All was well. I'm keeping this brief, but roll on another 14 years and my adult kids are now all in their 30s. Husband died 4 years ago. Adult kids have been really difficult, not speaking to me, ignoring calls, this has gone on for years. I finally got an answer for their behaviour. They are all punishing me for going on holiday with my husband over 5 years ago! That is my crime. They were in late 20s. Had left home and has good jobs. But have now decided to ignore me because I went on holiday without them. So the answer to your question is, no one knows how your daughter will react. But whatever you do, will be wrong. Being a single parent, dedicating your life to them, means nothing. They will find some reason to make you suffer.

That's batshit and your kids are very selfish. How long did they expect you to continue taking them on holiday with you until adulthood?

robbiJ65 · 05/01/2024 06:57

They left home for uni and have lived away ever since, having their own holidays abroad with friends and never concerned about my life in any way. This is what you get when you dedicate your life to your kids. That one holiday is just an excuse because they have no real reason to abandon me, except that yes they are all selfish. I didn't bring them up like that., but no one knows how adult personalities can change when they get partners and outside influences.

Blueberry40 · 05/01/2024 07:09

I was in a similar situation years ago. We went away for a week- it was amazing and 10 years later I still have lovely memories of that holiday. I probably wouldn’t have gone for 2 weeks though. Can’t say it has had any lasting trauma on my two sons and we did make sure that we booked a family holiday for the following year. Don’t deprive yourself of a week of rest, I’m sure you deserve it and the kids will understand that in retrospect when they’re older.

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/01/2024 07:14

I'd aim for a couple of long weekends this early in a relationship with a plan to get towards a family holiday next year.

Plumtop11 · 05/01/2024 07:25

I'd compromise on a week. Don't jeopardise your relationship because of a grumpy teen. I'm sure she will come around.

ilostmyhearttoastarshiptrouper · 05/01/2024 07:26

Your 16 year old isn't in mainstream school and isn't doing GCSEs... are there some SEN here OP as I think that could make a difference to the replies you're getting.

Utterknowitall · 05/01/2024 07:30

robbiJ65 · 04/01/2024 17:39

I brought my children up alone for 20 years. I met someone new and we married. All was well. I'm keeping this brief, but roll on another 14 years and my adult kids are now all in their 30s. Husband died 4 years ago. Adult kids have been really difficult, not speaking to me, ignoring calls, this has gone on for years. I finally got an answer for their behaviour. They are all punishing me for going on holiday with my husband over 5 years ago! That is my crime. They were in late 20s. Had left home and has good jobs. But have now decided to ignore me because I went on holiday without them. So the answer to your question is, no one knows how your daughter will react. But whatever you do, will be wrong. Being a single parent, dedicating your life to them, means nothing. They will find some reason to make you suffer.

Agree.

I think when we devote ourselves 100% to our children, they become little manipulators.

thismummydrinksgin · 05/01/2024 07:50

Can't you time it for when she is away too?

ActDottie · 05/01/2024 08:02

At 16 it’s fine to go away without her but I think 2 weeks is too long. My parents went for weekends away at that age but definitely not two weeks.

lanza11 · 05/01/2024 08:38

You definitely deserve a break ! But she’s obviously extremely reliant on you. So what about starting from today very slowly start to implement changes to her independence. Small things to begin with, and going forward this may start to push her to doing more for herself.

And the trip what about Monday - Friday nice little break not too long either. Don’t ask anyone’s permission just closer to it announce the dates you’re going.

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