I never feel I fit in or accepted.

[Rainbow03]

I never feel like I fit in with the people around me. Growing up I was never really shown love and acceptance. I fell into a decade long abusive relationship which is no surprise really.

Im with someone else now and have been for a few years. I’m ok with him but it’s his parents that are getting to me currently. They always comment on the other brothers girlfriend’s pictures. Saying how proud they are of her and their family. How well she has done raising the kids. They have known her 10 years and me only 3.5 so perhaps that’s why.

I have a child with their son. They never say they love me or our family. They never say they are proud of me. I sound stupid as I’m a grown up but the other daughter in law has lived a sheltered life. Never worked, what has she done to be proud of?

Ive suffered abuse, fled, spent years in court alone. Had no one, one one has ever been proud of me. Got my house alone, decorated alone, alone through all the worst times of my life. Why don’t they say they are proud of me, or anyone really?

Im so sick of having to hear that they are proud of her because she crocheted a bird of homemade a Yorkshire pudding.

Im sick of sitting with people and not feeling accepted or worthy or understood. It’s not just them it’s everyone. No one has ever been proud of me and im starting to think there is just something wrong with me. I see people having supporting family and friends. I dread getting really sick because I would have none of that family and friends rallying around telling me I’m doing great etc.

I think therapy is what you need, not looking for validation from your PILs, or other people. It sounds as if you have a weak sense of self, so are over-dependent on the estimations of others.

You've got alot in you that needs healed and stop comparing to others. Think about whos opinion actually matters and focus solely on them !

I’m unsure how to heal something I’ve had my whole life. I mean I know that I’m worth people being proud of me as I would be proud of someone else in my position. I just don’t understood why no one around me is and why others get so much. It makes me angry and just not want to be around people.

I’m literally so fed up of hearing about my sister in law and how perfect of a parent she is and how she home bakes and blah blah. She literally has I’m proud of you msgs daily.

How can you be proud of home baking but not be proud of someone recovering from abuse?

I agree with the comment above about therapy. You need to think about why you need validation or pride from others, especially as it doesn't sound like you value their opinion or judgement anyway. Therapy might help you get to a point where you don't need someone else to be proud of you, and instead you can just be proud of yourself.

You're expecting people to just like you... unfortunately life is not fair as you well know and you probably won't get your adopted family to be your real one.
People are also turned off by complex people who've suffered, it reminds them of their own vulnerability and depressed people (I include myself) are often a drag or a pain to be around and TBF no one owes us anything. It's our job to self heal.

All you can do otherwise is build other strong communities and friendships.

As for healing... therapy and psychedelics.
Read this:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X

I get that @Csharpminor. I put on a good front and don’t class myself as depressed, although I used to be. I am complex as we all are I’m sure. Maybe some more then others.

I just want to feel that feeling when someone is proud of you. It must feel nice. I lost my dad and we had a good connection. I can’t change being complex. I don’t think I would have been so complex if I had just had someone with me through those really difficult times. I would have given anything to have had someone to turn to when I was scared with my husband, or in court having to face him.

What about your current partner ?

I hate that saying no one owes you anything. It was people who made me this way. They say it takes a village to raise a child but we on our own these days. No one really seems to care anymore.

@MistletoeandJd he is a good guy but I’m mindful not to dump it all on him or talk about his family. He understands in basic terms.

I guess I just want people to see me. I’m tired of sitting with people and having to pretend like nothing ever happened to me. I mean his father often hits his hands on the table and every time it makes me jump. He laughs at me and says my god aren’t you nervous. I’ve said many times I can’t help it loud noises take me by surprise. They don’t understand why.

This is unfair.

We are social mammals and we live our lives through other people. That is just what it is to be human. It’s why loneliness causes premature death at the same prevalence as smoking does.

It’s perfectly normal to feel as OP does if she has never had anyone tell her that they see her worth or achievements.

What is notable about your post, OP, is how strongly you are able to see your amazing achievements. You absolutely identify that these are things to be proud of, that you have overcome barriers that others never gave. That your achievements are far greater than those of most people.

For what its it’s worth, I absolutely see what you have achieved. It’s bloody amazing.

I know you say you don't class yourself as depressed but it does sound like that's the case. Depression doesn't have to be sat in a dark room crying all day. Not feeling good enough, or worthy, is often a huge sign.

But is your partner proud of you ? And your children ?

I completely get what you’re saying. I think the PP who mentioned that others are a bit scared of trauma and so they don’t make reference to it is right and they don’t really think about what you’ve been through. Also, some people really do lack empathy (my aren’t you nervous!!). so what to do about it? well unfortunately you can’t change them and their tedious pride over knitting and the like. But you can change your attitude to it. One thing that really helped me and my attitude to my dad (who suffered from this lack of empathy), was to understand that he had aspergers - or high functioning autism as it is now known.

Because I then didn’t expect “normal” comments from him, I didn’t feel so upset when I didn’t get them. Not the same as your situation I know, but it was basically the way that I reacted that made me upset previously, and by reframing I was able to see it differently and not be upset.

so anyway, good luck, you have been on a hard journey, don’t give up now, and keep looking after yourself. I’m glad that you have a good DP.

It’s not unfair. We cannot control the actions or responses of other people, so it is destabilising to place too much emphasis of how they see us in contributing to our own sense of self, because it makes our centre of gravity something outside ourselves, and puts it into the gift of others.

The OP cannot force her ILs to be ‘proud’ of her, or to express it if they are, and she is relying far too much on this happening, resenting it when it doesn’t, and resenting the hell out of her other SIL, who does get praised for her baking or whatever. And all this anger aimed at others is again putting the focus outside her self.

Yes, OP, people made you this way, but you can’t project that onto your ILs — it wasn’t their fault, and it’s not their job to compensate for poor parenting in your childhood, and abusive relationships. They will see you primarily in terms of their son, obviously, and whether you’re happy together.

How much do your ILs know about your past? And has it occurred to you that your suppressed anger and resentment may be visible to them, without them understanding its cause, meaning they don’t want to engage and treat you with kid gloves?

@Mantling oh I know I shouldn’t project how I feel onto others, it’s a waste of energy. But it doesn’t stop me feeling the way I do. I want so badly to be like the sister in law. To have people praising and validating and making you feel good about yourself when you are down. What I wouldn’t give to just feel normal. To have a mother and mother in law tell you they love you and that they are proud. To have easily raised children with no baggage, to have a partner work so you don’t have to. To have built a life together and have people say they are so proud of this. I don’t want what I have, no one and a horrible past. My mum would never be proud of me, no one was ever there for me. It must feel so nice to have people there for you.

I know I’m not an easy person to like but I’m not a horrible person.

I often say this but the space between reality and fantasy causes depression and disappointment. You have a fantasy of this ideal family..lovely inlaws etc. The reality is they are not like this. The reality is you have had a hard life. By accepting reality and letting go that fantasy you will feel better. This works. Stop looking at social media as its a recipe for anguish. Plan nice things in your own life. Maybe join a support group where you will get heard.
Who knows what goes on in your sils life. Maybe they feel inferior to her and are lickin' up.
Your dp sounds good/ you have a child...focus on fun and laughter for you three.
And you should be proud. You have come through a lot and are still standing. Head up!!

I would concentrate on your own life, on making friends and put less focus on your in laws, your SIL especially. It sounds as if you are carrying significant baggage from your upbringing and previous abusive relationship and perhaps getting some help with processing that would help (not easy to access, I know)

@junebirthdaygirl that sounds good. I definitely look at others who have better lives and feel jealous and wonder why my life is not like that. Apart from my illness (I have Chronic fatigue syndrome) that gets me down I do as many fun things as possible even though I suffer afterwards. It’s this feeling that it’s so bloody unfair I can’t shift, I know it’s of know use to me.

I feel like I live a life with a mask as the people around me don’t care about me. I push and push with the fatigue and put on a face as the real me no one cares for. Each time I’ve said something related to how I feel it’s rejected.

Have you had counselling? It will give you a space to be listened to.

@Rainbow03, genuinely, I’m not unsympathetic — my parents were well-meaning but catastrophically poor parents, both from deprived, dysfunctional backgrounds so were never parented themselves. I’m the eldest of a large family, so my job was to look after the younger ones and not be any trouble, which left me with a huge problem of feeling invisible in adulthood.

I was also a poor ‘match’ for my parents AND ILs — both sets would have liked as a daughter/DIL a cheery SAHM to lots of children, who was always available to drop in, go to Weightwatchers and bingo etc. Instead they got an academic high achiever with a demanding FT job and one child by choice.

None of them is at all proud of my multiple postgraduate degrees (all done on 100% scholarships), prize-winning books, fellowships etc. I once heard my mother saying to a neighbour (after I won a National scholarship that was covered in the local paper) that I was ‘just too lazy to leave university’!

But that’s ok. No one else can make me ‘visible’. That’s my own responsibility, as is recognising that I tend to choose people who make me feel invisible because it’s familiar.

It sounds to me as if therapy would benefit you as it has me. Unpick your own unmet needs and anger. Look at yourself, not other people.

@junebirthdaygirl a long time ago about the abuse from my husband. Helped back then.

@Mantling i get what you are saying. Perhaps my in laws class making Yorkshire pudding and knitting as achievements. They also love puzzles and everything the same as daughter in law. I’ve tried to like those things but I just don’t and don’t have anything to talk about when they talk about those things.

I guess I’m not the daughter in law they would have wanted as we don’t have much in common. Other daughter in law is literally a perfect one and I’m a bit rough, well different.