I never feel I fit in or accepted.

[Rainbow03]

I never feel like I fit in with the people around me. Growing up I was never really shown love and acceptance. I fell into a decade long abusive relationship which is no surprise really.

Im with someone else now and have been for a few years. I’m ok with him but it’s his parents that are getting to me currently. They always comment on the other brothers girlfriend’s pictures. Saying how proud they are of her and their family. How well she has done raising the kids. They have known her 10 years and me only 3.5 so perhaps that’s why.

I have a child with their son. They never say they love me or our family. They never say they are proud of me. I sound stupid as I’m a grown up but the other daughter in law has lived a sheltered life. Never worked, what has she done to be proud of?

Ive suffered abuse, fled, spent years in court alone. Had no one, one one has ever been proud of me. Got my house alone, decorated alone, alone through all the worst times of my life. Why don’t they say they are proud of me, or anyone really?

Im so sick of having to hear that they are proud of her because she crocheted a bird of homemade a Yorkshire pudding.

Im sick of sitting with people and not feeling accepted or worthy or understood. It’s not just them it’s everyone. No one has ever been proud of me and im starting to think there is just something wrong with me. I see people having supporting family and friends. I dread getting really sick because I would have none of that family and friends rallying around telling me I’m doing great etc.

I fully agree. I went through a lot recently and to hear my parent that they are proud that I'm managing well is very important. I'm sorry you haven't got that. As a fellow woman, I'm proud of you. Life is many degrees harder when you are faced with adversities in early life. It's like you are starting life on much higher difficulty level than everyone else but still expected to achieve what others do. Our society is blind to this and overcoming adversity isn't celebrated or recognised enough. So you are right at feeling like that about your in laws as that's what they are blind to. Maybe one day they will realise.

It’s hard to unwant what you desperately want. You can only distract for so long then you want it again. It’s like wanting a certain food, you are only really satisfied when you get to have it then you can move on.

Don't let them divide and conquer. The things they say about your SIL aren't her fault. Don't let it make you hate her. For all you know, they say the same about you to her in an effort to keep you both down.

Therapy would be good. The more you like yourself and are proud of yourself, the less you care about what others say or think

If your PIL place such high value on things you feel are insignificant, then you shouldn't mind so much if they don't praise you. Yet you clearly do

The first step is being brutally honest with yourself about why these things bother you so much. You might be surprised by the answer.

Do you think people maybe pick up on your anger and reluctance to be around them?

It makes people less likely to be positive with you.

It's also easier to group message that you are proud of someone for baking or crocheting than it would be to group message to say you are proud that someone has survived abuse.

Do you put your small achievements on a the group chat for people to comment on? If you put a pic of some baking you'd done do you think they would message to say well done?

Do your PIL's know you'd be open to them congratulating you on things going on in your life?! They might not want to offend if you possibly might come over a bit prickly .

10 years ago sil would have been very young. They probably mothered her, especially if they are similar to her. They’ve watched her grow up and become a mother herself. They probably subconsciously feel they’ve contributed to her increasing maturity as she’s been in their life for a long time from when she was young and impressionable. She’s shaped up to be similar to them in the things she does and likes etc.

You, on the other hand, have entered the family as a ready made, fully functioning adult. You’ve coped with everything life has thrown at you. They probably see you as strong (even if you aren’t and have told them that). Your experiences are outside their realm of experience and you don’t have that much in common with them.

I would think that these are the reasons why they act as they do. I don’t think it’s a reflection on you as an individual. Actually it’s probably more of a compliment, in a way. You are already a competent adult, sil needs the encouragement and proud comments to keep her growing as a person.

Therapy is a good idea. I really recommend EDMR therapy.

Have you told them why?

You sound amazing and strong and if I knew you I would feel proud to know you given what you have overcome.

That feeling of craving - like you say,a food that you need to be satisfied- there is another way to feel better and it's definitely therapy. Honest! I wish you luck and hope 2024 brings you all the validation from yourself and others you could wish for.

Let’s be honest there, if my MIL was going on and on about her DIL being amazing and how proud they are of her because she baked a Yorkshire pudding, I’d be 🤭😵‍💫. That’s not you.

What I’ve learnt though is that people

1- prefer people who are similar to them - in tastes, ways of doing things etc…
2- hate it when people have struggles - be it a severe illness, chronic problems, or like you being a DV survivor. They don’t know what to say, what to do and more importantly they really don’t want to think it might happen to them or a close one.
3- if your struggle is invisible (be it a chronic illness, being a survivor etc…) it doesn’t exist and isn’t worth acknowledging.

Its crap.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure knowing why would make a difference tbh.

However, her DP could support her instead of letting the little dig go unchallenged (‘aren’t you nervous….’ comment)

I think you sound strong and capable and persistent. Those are amazing qualities!

I felt like no one ever gave me Gold Stars, metaphorical or otherwise. So I made my own star chart and gave myself gold shiny stickers when I did something awesome. Found it was very helpful and gratifying actually.

I second the posters saying that you need to work on yourself in order to self validate and not require approval from others in order to feel good. But, it still doesn't answer the question why some people will get heaps of praise and recognition whilst others receive nothing. I don't get this either and I've witnessed it enough times to know it's a real thing. It often plays out in families but workplaces too - I've seen people work their noses to the grindstone going above and beyond their job role, and get no acknowledgement whereas someone else will win team member of the month for just doing their day to day role! What's that all about?!

I think it’s something to do with deep down connections. I don’t feel at home in my family home and I don’t feel at home at my in laws. I don’t feel at home anywhere as I’ve never been allowed that feeling. Everywhere I go and sit I don’t feel home. I don’t feel I can self validate myself out of never having been given the tools as a child. I think I’m just hard to like now maybe like others have said, I’m quite complicated I suppose. Although I don’t see how hard it is for someone to say I see you and meet you where you are. I don’t think it would take much for me to feel better if someone just saw me.

Awful isn't it? Another outsider here. Wondering if your in-laws seem to favour your SIL because they knew her when she was very young and more easily manipulated to fit their narrative. You were an older and capable adult so they have no sway over you if that makes sense.

It's horrible but I've learned to distance from people and situations like this. I used to take it personally and worry before bending myself out of shape trying to fit in which ironically didn't work either! I'm older and don't have the energy to do that anymore. I am who I am and if people don't like that, that's their problem. You sound great and if other people can't see that, their loss.

What would you like to do in terms of groups, hobbies, ambitions and a bucket list? You might find like-minded people and might care less about what certain people think :)

Perhaps its because they have know her since she was late teenage years. The way they speak about her is perhaps she is just a better person in their eyes. Very homely, she is a perfect housewife. Very timid tho and scared of her own shadow. She is very much part of the family and I’m definitely seen as an outsider.

She sounds like a very boring person tbh... I know who I'd prefer to be in the company of; someone who's lived a little, faced adversity and triumphed, someone who isn't afraid of examining themselves for a deeper understanding, someone who questions the status quo.. In other words, don't write yourself off OP - fuck not being good at crochet ( I mean, who bloody cares!), There are other oursiders out there who will understand you perfectly and who you'll find yourself at home with.

Interesting that you say she's timid and scared; are you sure her life has been as easy as you think?

I wonder if you opened up a little to your in laws about how you feel and what you've been through that they might not give you praise as well. The dynamic you've described doesn't sound as though there's a lot of communication there, but you'd still like them to know what you want to be praised for. Try telling them.

It's a lot easier to praise baking (especially if someone posts about it) rather than DV, as they may (rightly) feel nervous about what to say. I know DV survivors who would hate their relations to praise them for surviving abuse as they don't want to be seen as victims or survivors and would actually prefer to focus on more trivial achievements.

If you're both baking and you're not getting positive feedback while she is that's one thing, but I think you may be comparing apples and oranges here.

Hello OP, I resonate with a lot of what you say. I too feel I don't fit in anywhere or with anyone, and the only place I feel truly valued is my work. I've never had anyone remark how proud they are of me, though I'm not sure I've really done anything to be proud of! But I get what you mean OP.

I have done some work on myself, at least I've worked out where my feelings stem from, but try as I might, The feelings are always triggered.

Christmas/NY always bring these feelings to the fore, I am currently isolating myself from anyone who 'hurts' me, and it's always unintentional, because it's me who has the issue not them.

You definitely need therapy, without a doubt, me too, as I'm far from healed.

Then it sounds like your SIL "fits their mould" whereas you've lived and had different experiences. Nothing wrong with either as it is what it is but shame the IL's can't recognise people are different. When people can't relate to or make efforts to know those who are different to them they make their world smaller. It's very sad really.

@cunningartificer nothing really happened to her she’s just a shy person, can’t work too scared to drive etc etc. She hasn’t done anything towards me, apart from turn down every offer for her kids to come and play with mine. I just feel jealous because of the support she has. All her family and in-laws always commenting how proud they are. At family get togethers the in laws talk to her but I don’t even get greeted. I really dislike going and feel like not going anymore.

Over the years I’ve said bits about what I went through but they aren’t interested in a conversation.

With respect, OP, how do you know what may or may not have happened to her? You’ve presumably only known her for the three and a half years you’ve been with your partner, and seem consumed by dislike of her, and the fact that your PILs have known her since her teens proves nothing.

I was sexually abused as a nine and ten year old, and my ILs, who have known me since I was 19, do not know. My own parents and siblings don’t know, come to that — only a couple of close friends, DH and my therapist.

The fact that she’s so frightened and withdrawn, can’t drive, doesn’t work, surely explains why your PILs praise her baking and crafts? They can’t praise her work achievements or other outside the home achievements, and they’re trying to encourage her because she’s such a frightened person by trying to big her up, presumably?

You are not necessarily going to know all about someone else’s past. You can’t play trauma top trumps.

And it’s presumably not that surprising she doesn’t want to do play dates with someone emanating waves of dislike towards her?

@Mantling we all need encouragement. That’s what I’ve been trying to say. I was sexually abused by my husband but have not told anyone. Why show love to one daughter in law but not the other.

I get the feeling being on maternity leave for the last year has driven me bat shit crazy and given me way too much thinking time!!!!!

Because she seems to particularly need it by being someone you describe as ‘frightened’ — if she ‘can’t work’ and is too scared to learn to drive she sounds quite vulnerable? I’m not necessarily convinced it’s ‘love’, either — if someone was extravagantly praising my homemade Yorkshire pudding all the time, when I was unable to lead a normal life outside the home, it’s possible I’d feel quite patronised.

My parents in law certainly don’t love me, but I’ve never expected them to. We’re very different people, and are only mildly fond of one another, and have been for 30 years. And they’re certainly not proud of me — I was tickled recently to hear a neighbour asking my MIL what I did for a living, and my MIL didn’t know (I’ve been in the same field with the same general job title for all of those 30 years)! But I’m not looking to them for validation, or support.

@Mantling i get what you are saying but she is constantly sending pictures on the family chat so she is looking for praise. I don’t send pictures of the food I make as I find it a bit odd. Can’t cook that great either!

I think I’m just so sick of being the black sheep. No one bothering to understand me. I feel unwelcome and I hate feeling like that. It feels very clicky because they all know the same people and I’ve no idea. They sit and talk and I don’t know what’s going on. They go on holidays with each other and we aren’t invited. I find it hard to have a conversation it’s so bloody awkward.