I never feel I fit in or accepted.

[Rainbow03]

I never feel like I fit in with the people around me. Growing up I was never really shown love and acceptance. I fell into a decade long abusive relationship which is no surprise really.

Im with someone else now and have been for a few years. I’m ok with him but it’s his parents that are getting to me currently. They always comment on the other brothers girlfriend’s pictures. Saying how proud they are of her and their family. How well she has done raising the kids. They have known her 10 years and me only 3.5 so perhaps that’s why.

I have a child with their son. They never say they love me or our family. They never say they are proud of me. I sound stupid as I’m a grown up but the other daughter in law has lived a sheltered life. Never worked, what has she done to be proud of?

Ive suffered abuse, fled, spent years in court alone. Had no one, one one has ever been proud of me. Got my house alone, decorated alone, alone through all the worst times of my life. Why don’t they say they are proud of me, or anyone really?

Im so sick of having to hear that they are proud of her because she crocheted a bird of homemade a Yorkshire pudding.

Im sick of sitting with people and not feeling accepted or worthy or understood. It’s not just them it’s everyone. No one has ever been proud of me and im starting to think there is just something wrong with me. I see people having supporting family and friends. I dread getting really sick because I would have none of that family and friends rallying around telling me I’m doing great etc.

Sounds to me as though their 'I'm proud of you' is really 'i approve of you', she represents confirmation that their old fashioned values of a working husband and sahm being a good model for a life will lived are alive and kicking in their family. Add to that her fragility, and they are quick to shore her up and support her in her role as mother to their GC who fits their self image. She seeks their approval and they gladly dish it out. She doesn't remind them of a group of people who they don't understand and might bring trouble to their door. (I am surmising, but this would be my best guess based on what you've said).

Meanwhile, you have had to shield and nurture yourself, are from a background they don't reasonable with. They lack the imagination to be willing to risk discomfort by wanting to get to know you better, they aren't curious enough and prefer to be 'surface' with you. As evidenced by the preference to make a little 'joke' when you are startled (if you were my dil I would seek to understand this before I joked about it).

In this respect they are very very boringly common, in wanting to keep their head only in their own little snug existence. They aren't better than you, they just have been dealt a far far better hand.

Meanwhile, judging by the way you wrote here, you are incredibly insightful both about yourself and about human nature generally. I daresay you've had to be and that wisdom is hard won!
I'm astonished you've come through all that with so little support and still have managed to build yourself a life and family, many people would be barely standing let alone giving their child a significantly different experience and therefore prospects in life.

It is very cruel, that having triumphed so incredibly well, you now find that the vast majority of people would prefer you didn't mention it thank you.

Rare is the person you will meet, who is willing to look and really see or listen what another has gone through if it isn't pretty. You deserve to have that someone in your life, I hope you meet them one day so that you can hear 'I'm so proud of you' from someone who is saying it from a position of an understanding of what that took.

You're amazing.

You've done well and it must be horrible being punished like that. Personally I'd step away from them as they don't include you.

You’re looking for understanding in the wrong place. These people are only in your life by chance, because of who you happened to marry. They’re like colleagues, unless you’re unusually lucky. You’re presumably not still in close touch with the parents of your ex. These relationships are situational. Most ILs don’t have a particular closeness to or a deep understanding of their daughters and son in laws. There’s no point in fantasising about what you wish they were like. You got who you got.

@Mantling that's true.
But just because there's no point doesn't mean you can switch it off when you have a deep yearning for an emotional 'home' because your life was characterised by that fundamental un-met need in your formative years.
They aren't called formative years for nothing.
It's entirely instinctive and your human nature can't help but want to have the unconditional love of a caring parent/family.

That said, your advice that op won't find it with the ILs is true.
How to sooth the ache and cope with a deep inner emotional landscape that is a mile away from what is presented to the outside world and no one ever holds your hand as you wander round that place is the hard part and the question that has no answer.

Personally, I think op may find a little of the understanding and support she needs from someone like herself - a wounded person who is, not floundering (and therefore unable to do much else other then grab on and pull you down or take your life belt), but one who is bearing their scars with strength and intelligence so can share that op and be a comrade in walking that rough road.

I'm not sure where you find that person though, as likely they are fighting their own battle somewhere wondering similar. Perhaps amongst a supportive community of women? There's a group near me who get together monthly for outdoor pursuits, I bet many of the ladies who go have not had a plain sailing life and if I was trying to find a like minded soul, is maybe look somewhere like that.

@@ArchetypalBusyMum, I get it, my own early life was pretty much characterised by unmet needs, and I’m still dealing with the effects at 51. I would love caring, understanding parent figures, but I didn’t get them, and I can’t go around trying to cast other people as the good parents I didn’t get. You need therapy, good friends and/or a supportive partner.

@Mantling 💐 agree. Same here. I still found myself wishing often and needing to wrestle those thoughts into a manageable size, but now 47, have found the last year has been better in having reached a better point of acceptance so the envy for a different life at least has dialled down lots. A good friend was a catalyst as was able to talk through some thoughts which has been circular for a long time.
It's a bit like running a marathon, you can be in a race with thousands of others all with the same finish line as you, but ultimately you're running on your own terms and have to face your own blisters etc all the other runners can do is cheer you on at best.
Hope you have found some peace somehow.

Thanks, @ArchetypalBusyMum — you too.

I must confess I haven’t read the whole thread.

Have you ever considered your MIL might be a tactless bitch and is doing it to upset you. Because it sounds to me she could be playing one DIL (you) against the other.

You don’t need anyone to be proud of you, but you really do need to be proud of yourself because of what you’ve been through and be at peace with yourself and very importantly stuff your tactless MIL 💐

OP, I can relate. I come from an abusive background too. Have you come across the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube? She's excellent on PTSD, especially for those with difficult childhoods, and goes into how it leaves you feeling alienated from people and finding it difficult to fit in. I think you might find her really helpful.

Lovely post.

As others have said, you don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes. My mother left a DV relationship and is still stuck in a victim mindset. She doesn’t accept her role in our abusive childhoods and according to her everyone goes out of their way to be awful to her, when she’s an ideal person. This is far from the truth so I’ve finally gone no contact.

Id find your past and current mind-set triggering and would want to minimise interactions with you.

@ArchetypalBusyMum your post seems to hit the nail on the head. This is how it feels, like approval.

It was the msg on new years that got to me yesterday. I posted a picture of me and partner and baby and my daughter from my ex and said happy new year everyone. The other daughter in law did the same with their 2 kids. The mum puts under her picture we love you all so much and said nothing to us….im not stupid I know how she feels.

I hate going to see people who I know just don’t approve.

@DsTTy thats sad but that’s not me. I left when my daughter was very young with nothing. I accept my part and why I’m like the way I am. I don’t project this onto my children as it’s pain I carry and hold in. I don’t believe I have a victim mentality. People come from all walks and situations. We really should all be heard and accepted for who we are but we aren’t. If you speak to me I’m very strong in how I talk about what o went through, I am proud I have not just given up. It bloody stings when people assume I’m not worth even getting to no.

What I learned was being liked and accepted got you much further than hard work and going above and beyond

@Tartantatooes I see this at work all the time. Good people leave because they are not valued. Whereas others go high and they haven’t done anything to deserve it apart from they are liked.

What your MIL did was outright rude and unkind, and in my opinion you should either challenge it or explain to your partner that you no longer want to interact with her. No one is obliged to put up with this kind of toxic behaviour from someone close to them. You've done so much work on yourself, OP, but part of that is not allowing people to shit on you without consequence. Good luck x

@MsRosley its like this all the time. Nothing major but I feel it. Eg she buys the other DIL her favourite drinks at their house and I’m lucky if I get asked if I’d like a drink.

I would go to these gatherings as little as possible. Can you make an excuse such as work ? Also if something doesn't affect someone or it hasn't happened to them they don't care . I have found that if people are aware you have been bullied or abused in someway then they think it's ok to bully you too . Be careful what you share . When you said your FIL banged on the table and laughed at you saying you were nervous didn't that tell you something?

I understand what you've saying, you've done an amazing job, I'm proud of you 👏🥰 You said yourself your in laws don't know what you've been through. You could tell them but how that would go depends on their personalities really so may not be the best advice x

@Redcar78 I have mentioned things over the years. They are of the thinking that it was my choice to be abused.

From your most recent updates OP, I think it's incredibly clear that your in-laws are arseholes. And it seems they are deliberately being so.
Absolutely nothing to do with you, or your worth. They're just straightforward arseholes.

I completely understand your need for support, to be seen and for people to be proud of you. You absolutely deserve that. But don't expect it from these people. You'll never get it. Frankly, why would you want their approval anyway? They're not good people. I wouldn't want anything from people like that, good or bad.

For what it's worth, from a fellow DV survivor - I'm proud of you. Removing yourself and your child from a violent environment is heroic. You may well have saved your own life and that of your child.
That is huge.

SIL on the other hand can make a fucking Yorkshire pudding.
I know who I'd rather be friends with

I agree with this - and I have read your last and it has confirmed what I was thinking - these people are not the right sort for you to be able to have a deeper relationship with.
They sound too conventional and comfortable to be able to “get” you.
They also sound rather unkind or at the least, un empathic.
They have been made aware of some of your life experiences and they just don't want to go there.
I would keep it superficial with them, if I were you. You're not going to get anything more from them, so will be continually disappointed.

My previous ILs didn't like me and after I had had enough of it, I only went to gatherings when it was unavoidable and more or less went grey rock.
It would have been easier if XH had been supportive; instead I amused myself by playing shitty bingo in my head, for every sharp comment and rebuff.
I hope your DH is more supportive.

But the major difference is that they adored my DC, their DGS, and were lovely to him (almost too lovely, but that's another story)
If they are not treating your DC as well, surely your DH has noticed, in which case, I would expect him to step up. Have you and he talked?

The truth is you do lack what she has. She likely finds it easier to connect with people and has an aura of self worth/self confidence about her. Victims of abuse can mask/lack confidence/find it hard to connect to people etc

She’s doesn’t need to escape abuse or have a job to get praise. Because it’s normal to be praised for normal things, you don’t need to go through the depths of hell or have the same career progression as someone else to get praise. Maybe you have set the bar too high, as to what actions deserve praise.

You need to stop seeing her as competition and maybe just see how she interacts with your in laws and cultivates that relationship. Maybe she comes across differently than you do and is easier to bond with. Everyone has their own journey in life. You might not even know what she’s been through, you’re just assuming she can’t relate to you.

You never know what they say about you to other people - they may well say good things too! And sometimes all it takes for people to be proud of you is to let them know you've done something. Decorated your house? Brag about it! Cooked a great dinner? Say so!

They don't like you any less just because they said something nice about their other DIL's Yorkshire pudding :)

@PaintedEgg I do say I’ve done things. I renovated my house myself. When I met my partner now I was just buying a sofa. I was never allowed what I wanted when I was with my ex. I saved money to buy a chesterfield type sofa. It was reduced from £1700 to £500. I was so happy to buy something I’d always wanted. When they saw it they said it’s all coat and no knickers type sofa, I was trying to look posh. It hurt a lot because it wasn’t about the sofa it was about making it after abuse.

@2024i I can’t connect because they hurt my feelings all the time. They would never say anything hurtful to her. She is too sensitive. She only has family as she is too afraid of what people think to make friends. The thing is she is just so damn perfect it’s hard to be around.