I never feel I fit in or accepted.

[Rainbow03]

I never feel like I fit in with the people around me. Growing up I was never really shown love and acceptance. I fell into a decade long abusive relationship which is no surprise really.

Im with someone else now and have been for a few years. I’m ok with him but it’s his parents that are getting to me currently. They always comment on the other brothers girlfriend’s pictures. Saying how proud they are of her and their family. How well she has done raising the kids. They have known her 10 years and me only 3.5 so perhaps that’s why.

I have a child with their son. They never say they love me or our family. They never say they are proud of me. I sound stupid as I’m a grown up but the other daughter in law has lived a sheltered life. Never worked, what has she done to be proud of?

Ive suffered abuse, fled, spent years in court alone. Had no one, one one has ever been proud of me. Got my house alone, decorated alone, alone through all the worst times of my life. Why don’t they say they are proud of me, or anyone really?

Im so sick of having to hear that they are proud of her because she crocheted a bird of homemade a Yorkshire pudding.

Im sick of sitting with people and not feeling accepted or worthy or understood. It’s not just them it’s everyone. No one has ever been proud of me and im starting to think there is just something wrong with me. I see people having supporting family and friends. I dread getting really sick because I would have none of that family and friends rallying around telling me I’m doing great etc.

She’s not perfect though is she? I bet she’d love friends for a start. She might even feel smothered by them or feel pressured by their expectations.

Shes lucky she’s got their approval but you may have traits that she’d love to have.

Either way, they don’t seem very nice. They aren’t people you’ve chosen to have in your life. You don’t need their approval. Be proud of what you’ve achieved and have some therapy to see that you don’t need validation from people you really don’t have anything in common, with except the fact you married their son.

But she doesn’t sound perfect at all, @Rainbow03 — she has no friends, no job, no people in her life outside her immediate family, and you describe her as timid, fragile and ‘frightened’. There’s nothing to envy about her life, unless we’re seeing, as you clearly are, having the approval of your ILs as outweighing her friendlessness and whatever causes her to be so withdrawn and timid.

@Mantling she has the love of her family and that of her in-laws. I would give anything to have a home to go to that felt like home. She has people who love her and praise her.

All over Christmas I hear people spending time with their families and how you have to cherish the time. The only person who I felt comfortable with was my dad but he passed 6 years ago now. She posts continuously about the fact all she needs is her family and how that’s all anyone needs. Her family tell her how proud they are of her. It’s something I’m so desperate to have and to feel. I can only imagine how it would feel to be loved by your family to pass that love on to the children and all be happy and connected. It’s bloody awful not having that connection.

@Rainbow03 I'm sorry but your inlaws are not just inconsiderate, they are rude and actually sound a bit envious.

It is quite possible that your inability to connect with them has nothing to do with you, your past and how easy you find it to get on with people. They may just be assholes - and people are not divided into abusers and nice people, a fair proportion of population falls into category of mostly harmless jerks. Your in-laws may well be in that category. Besides, by being dismissive of you, they are also dismissive of their son and their grandchild and over what? You not playing puzzle with them?

All I can say is that you are a great person, you don't need yorkshire pudding making skills

@Rainbow03 also, while it does not sound like your sister in law has done anything to you and she may genuinely be a nice person...it sounds like she's trying to convince herself "family is all she needs" as much as she tries to convince her online audience

If I was her, I'd feel pretty intimidated by you.

Keep in mind nobody sees inside your head, from the outside you are this self-reliant woman who goes through life like a tank, seemingly does not need anyone, is quite distant from her in-laws...maybe you even look down on her? The timid, jobless, friendless woman whose mother in law has to give her pats on the back for baking.

When someone feels bad about themselves everyone else seems better

I guess I’ll just have to accept a superficial relationship as we don’t have similar values. I can’t magically start loving puzzles or knitting as it’s just not my thing. I’m not in the clique as I don’t come from the same place so don’t know the same people. I’m not the perfect housewife. Despite their protests I believe he needs to help around the home and change baby nappies! I’ll probably always be on the outside. I’ve definitely tried being likeable but it makes me feel fake as I can’t just start liking the same things.

She doesn’t sound perfect at all, her life seems quite small

it’s just that she has something which you feel you don’t have, which is perceived close family relationships. Your in laws sound rude, so why would you crave their affection? what you see in messages or on social media isn’t necessarily real, I’ve seen loads of people that seem friendly online but have friction in reality. It sounds like she’s a bit isolated and is firmly under their thumb, which isn’t a great way to live and she likely wouldn’t feel she can speak up if anyone is rude to her. There’s nothing enviable about her lifestyle - it seems like a lonely existence!

Work on your own self worth OP. Don't try to be likeable, believe me it doesn't work like that.

I would also like a living family, that safe, cosy, secure feel, but I don't so I have to accept that, which is much harder than it sounds!

This quote is perfect..

Confidence is NOT "they won't like me"

Confidence IS "I'll be fine if they don't"

And that's what it's all about really, working on that.

And your DH should definitely be helping you!!!

OP, I’m confused as to why you see not working as something to aspire to? And the father of your child changing a nappy as some sort of big deal?

Are you from a more traditional culture? Because the vast majority of mothers work and the vast majority of fathers change nappies.

Anyway, I agree with the advice on this thread - you need to stop looking for validation from your PILs. You also need to work on your sense of self-worth because - and I mean this in the nicest possible way - you do come across as bitter and with a strong victim complex, and these are traits which naturally push people away from you.

I am the black sheep of my family and never receive praise because my choices were different from the ones they expected me to make. It doesn’t matter how successful or happy I am on the back of my choices, the fact that I am different and have different values means that I am not worthy of praise, in their eyes. The solution isn’t to get angry about that, it’s to live a great life in spite of their indifference.

@Usernamen excellent post

@Usernamen I think I’ve confused what I’m trying to say. I don’t aspire to not work. It’s the fact that she gets praise despite the fact she doesn’t work. She is traditional. She does all the housework and childcare and he solely works. She gets love and support from her own family and the in laws and I don’t receive that from mine or them. I don’t have her values and believe my partner should be doing a fair share of those things when he can. I don’t want to be her or anyone else I want the people in my life to love me for who I am. I have never had that and I often feel maybe since I was born I’m just not likable. I know deep down that’s rubbish as I’m honestly in RL not victim like and have achieved some good things.

I just can’t understand why my own family didn’t accept me and now my in laws. I’m really not that strange. I’m stronger now and perhaps it’s not liked that I don’t just do as I’m told or expected.

I think maybe some of us are affected more then others by the effects of our upbringing, or should I say differently. In the past I’ve tried to squeeze myself into being someone else, align my likes and dislikes so people will accept me and to avoid conflict but that only led to further abuse. I don’t do it anymore. I think that perhaps I’m more like marmite or maybe I have too many people around me who are not like me.

You need some therapy to improve your self steem also you need to accept yourself and drop the bitter bits you got inside.

@Epidote yes I know. I just find it hard especially as I’ve never been accepted since I was born. I also hate the bitter part, it’s not a nice feeling. I find it incredibly triggering when I get rejected by close people. I have come to terms with my upbringing and understand why my mum was the way she was. I don’t feel rejection in intimate relationships, it seems to be only women relationships.

@Rainbow03, I think you need to stop trying to find reasons why your birth family didn’t nurture you — I’ve (eventually and with pain) come to terms with the fact that mine couldn’t parent me because no one parented them, and as they are both only semi-literate, extremely socially isolated people, they didn’t see by the example of others that parenting involves more than food and clothes.

Understanding that doesn’t remove the longterm effects, of course. I’m dealing with those in therapy. They’re absolutely still there in my beliefs about myself, and my attachment style.

And one way of looking at your ILs is that you’ve been unlucky, you’re just a poor ‘match’ in that you’re very different people.

But another way of looking at it is that you’re asking far too much from the relationship in wanting them to be the family you never had — most people don’t get that with their PILs. I didn’t. I’ve known them since my teens, but they would have much preferred DH to marry his girlfriend before me. I don’t hold it against them. They haven’t much imagination.

I think you would be happier accepting that we don’t all get the families (by birth or marriage) we would like, accepting that being liked or loved isn’t down to objective factors (like they should love you more than your SIL because you’ve achieved more) and find the basis for your self-esteem inside you. For whatever reason, your PILs can’t give you what you want.

I think it was a poster upthread who advised finding support from others who have gone through similar trauma as they best understand us in a way the " normals " , even the most kindest, compassionate of souls, never will . I think that's spot on advice. Have you got anyone at all in your life that would fit the bill ? If not, it might be the time to join a meet up group ( the wellness/ depression/anxiety focused ones tend to attract people who have lived through dv or childhood trauma) where you can share your experiences with people who will really get you and where you won't feel so out of place and alone.

@Mantling I do understand everything you have said. I also understand now after therapy my mum not connecting to me or praising me was always her issue.

It’s awful to be sat at a family event and be ignored whilst the others all chat. To walk into the house and not even be greeted with a hello. I’m fed up of not being valued and being mocked I suppose. I feel I deserve to have my fav drink available as much as the other DIL.

@CoconutPrize I have one friend who I met at a dv support group who understands partly. She has an amazing family to turn to so can’t understand all the parts I struggle with.

@Rainbow03, I would think the first step is the acceptance of yourself, with your strength and weakness and leave the past completely behind. Do not compare yourself with others. There is always someone more clever, taller, nicer, etc etc.

Your SIL may be a person who likes to share what she does, therefore she and your PIL are proud of small daily achievements on her side. You may be quieter so they don't know what small daily things you are proud off.

Focus of your present and future, work in both strengths to potential them and weaknesses to minimise them.

If you love yourself and accept yourself the bitter part will disappear or be minimal in your life.

@Epidote how do you know what your strengths are if you’ve never been taught or shown or praised. I always tell my daughter how strong she is because she always gives things a go. She will grow up to think she is strong because I give her those words.

The SIL is constantly being told how much of a great mum she is and how she is doing an amazing job. I’ve never heard that once. Doesn’t it make you feel validated and assure?

But that's where self validation comes in. Without going in to specifics, I too was dealt a shitty hand in life and as a child all my feelings, wants and emotional needs were dismissed,neglected or ignored. I grew into an adult who was desperate for someone/ anyone to see me and it lead me to all the wrong people in all the wrong places as I was so desperate for love and to be cared for. I knew no boundaries as I had zero self esteem so I was used and abused and the cycle continued. I'm a work in progress nowadays but I can honestly say I don't need anyone anymore to validate my successes of tell me in a good person. I KNOW I am. There are times of course, where I crave it , I'm only human, but if I'm overlooked or my best efforts are ignored, I try to validate myself. It doesn't always work and it's a new concept to me but I couldn't continue being that person.

I understand what everyone is saying. But we aren’t solitary creatures. It’s hard to do it all alone.

@Rainbow03, I'm sure that you know which stuff you are best at on your own criteria. Start form there, ask your partner he can be very useful telling you which things he reckons you stand amongst others. Everyone has a different set of natural skills and other that can be worked on.

@Rainbow03 yes, its hard to do stuff alone, but even harder with wrong people

these people don't have much to offer you- your interests and values don't align...and they're performative assholes, while you are a kind of person others can look up to.

They will probably never tell you you're a good mum, but would it be a good thing to be seen as them as a good mum? what would that really say about you if they thought you were a good mum? would you want to be what they consider "good mother"?