Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To think this is a huge red flag

89 replies

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 11:12

A friend of mine recently had an affair and left their partner and 3 kids and moved in with their new fling, after only knowing them for a few weeks (obviously completely unacceptable).

We had a Xmas works do just before Xmas and they ended up staying out longer than they originally planned (not late).

When they got home their new partner had locked the door from the inside and refused to let them in.

A couple of hours later, where my friend was sat on the doorstep, they eventually let them in but was in an awful mood and refused to speak to them.

I think this is a huge red flag and I would end things immediately.

They are playing it down but I think it’s because they’ve left their marriage and kids and now will look silly if they admit they were wrong.

Would you encourage them to leave or just let them get on with it?

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 31/12/2023 11:15

The whole thing is a red flag, but yes, that specifically is a red flag too.

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 11:17

Yes they both have huge red flags waving about.

It’s quite common when people leave after having an affair. They have to stick it out. Or feel they do.

Because their new amazing life isn’t what it turned out to be and they gave up so much for its

Csharpminor · 31/12/2023 11:18

Don't encourage anything without being asked. Why not clarify if your friend is a man or woman? I assume a man.

Yes it's terrible behaviour from their new partner and if there's not more to the story they have fucked up big time by choosing them. Let them figure it out themselves if they dont ask for your opinion. They might need to fall hard to realise they were on a very high cloud....moving in after a few weeks is not a sign of good judgement.

jc12689 · 31/12/2023 11:46

Karma

yomellamoHelly · 31/12/2023 12:02

There's no trust, so this 'relationship' is dead in the water

Original poster
369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 12:11

Yes I’ve always thought that you make your bed and you lie in it type thing and that’s what you get for having an affair and leaving 3 kids.

But when it’s happening to someone close to you it’s very different and it’s concerning that they’d let this behaviour slide so early in to the relationship.

I think what else will they let slide because they’ve got no where else to go/pride.

OP posts:
Original poster
369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 12:14

yomellamoHelly · 31/12/2023 12:02

There's no trust, so this 'relationship' is dead in the water

I’m not sure if the new partner actually knows they were in a relationship when they got together.

But I believe that they’re quite paranoid or controlling anyway because they wanted to come to the Xmas do but it wasn’t for plus 1s and I don’t think they were happy about my friend still going.

OP posts:
Ju1ieAndrews · 31/12/2023 12:19

When you get together with a cheater, you're always going to have the fear that if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

Presumably his new "partner" believe that his late arrival home was because he was doing with someone else what he used to do with her.

Also, if he has moved in with the OW then he needs to realise she can kick him out at any point, so maybe he needs to toe the line if he wants to keep a roof over his head, or get his own place.

In essence, the illicit affair was probably way more exciting than the reality of living with the affair partner (in a trust less relationship), it's a red flag problem of his own making.

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 12:30

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 12:14

I’m not sure if the new partner actually knows they were in a relationship when they got together.

But I believe that they’re quite paranoid or controlling anyway because they wanted to come to the Xmas do but it wasn’t for plus 1s and I don’t think they were happy about my friend still going.

Show quote history

Oh lovely.

So they haven’t even be honest with the person their left their spouse and kids for?

Thats an even bigger red flag! Maybe the new partner knows your friend is a lying shit?

No excuse for poor behaviour on their part. They should just leave. But I expect they know they are lying and can’t put their finger on it.

i get you care about the person. But they screwed over their spouse and kids and are actively screwing over the new partner. I get it’s hard not to care. But I wouldn’t put that much energy in. You may find yourself screwed over soon as well.

Original poster
369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 13:14

So they haven’t even be honest with the person they’re left their spouse and kids for?

Thats an even bigger red flag! Maybe the new partner knows your friend is a lying shit?

I don’t know the full story but I suspect the new partner doesn’t know either.

I know for a fact that they didn’t know they were still sleeping in the same bed.

And when they moved in together it was said in a way like they don’t need to move in, they just want to.

So either they know they were part of an affair, which is why they’re paranoid.
Or as you say they can sense something is off and they know they’re a liar.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2023 13:17

I don't understand how you can still be friends with this person. Any trouble they get is well deserved.

Ladolcevita233 · 31/12/2023 13:20

This is called karma.

And I bet it's a man. Cause how many women walk out on their kids and leave the other parent doing 99% of the parenting.

Hope his partner doesn't take him back when he starts crawling.

Original poster
369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 13:29

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2023 13:17

I don't understand how you can still be friends with this person. Any trouble they get is well deserved.

I wouldn’t fall out with someone over this, as it’s not for me to tell them what’s right and wrong.

But I had barely spoke to them or seen them because I do think it’s awful.

I saw them at the Xmas party and then yesterday and barely spoke in between.

Before the Xmas party I had only seen them once since it all happened and it was only when I met them yesterday and they told me, did the alarm bells start ringing.

I am now concerned for them though because I worry they’ve got themselves into a situation they can’t get out of.

What they did was terrible but I’d never wish a controlling relationship on anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 13:30

I’ve suggested posting on here, as they know how I feel about their actions and they’re probably only giving me half of the story out of pride.

But they believe their new partner is on here and so doesn’t want to rock the boat.

OP posts:
CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 13:37

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 13:30

I’ve suggested posting on here, as they know how I feel about their actions and they’re probably only giving me half of the story out of pride.

But they believe their new partner is on here and so doesn’t want to rock the boat.

Why would people here waste time giving advice to someone who only acts in what they feel is their own best interests? Whatever that best interests is at the time.

They arenr going to leave because someone's here tells them to. And if they do they will just try and get back with their spouse. No one is going to advise that.

Most people here have very little patience for people who screw over their ex and their children. Never.ind one who is also screwing over the person that is so special to them they left their family for them.

And you suspect they are lying to you. They could be lying about it all. Maybe they didn't get locked out. Maybe they are just now trying to cast the affair oartner in a bad light because they don't eat to be with them anymore.

Epidote · 31/12/2023 13:40

I would do nothing. Your friend made his bed he can lie in it.

AndThatWasNY · 31/12/2023 13:43

Ha! Total fool. Sometimes we get our just desserts.

MinervatheGreat · 31/12/2023 13:44

Stay out of it.
None of your business.
Karma.

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 13:47

I would also ask you to think about wether your friend is controlling.

They entered a relationship whilst still married and was not honest with the affair partner.

And was not honest when they moved in with them. They have manipulated everybody they have a romantic relationship with. Their wife, their now partner. That's controlling.

Mygosh · 31/12/2023 13:54

Yes, sounds like a red flag to me. Better to be alone than controlled.

Just because the person has made a mistake, doesn't mean they deserve to be slagged off or told they deserve it. After all, nobody knows what their previous relationship was like.

Original poster
369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 13:57

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 13:37

Why would people here waste time giving advice to someone who only acts in what they feel is their own best interests? Whatever that best interests is at the time.

They arenr going to leave because someone's here tells them to. And if they do they will just try and get back with their spouse. No one is going to advise that.

Most people here have very little patience for people who screw over their ex and their children. Never.ind one who is also screwing over the person that is so special to them they left their family for them.

And you suspect they are lying to you. They could be lying about it all. Maybe they didn't get locked out. Maybe they are just now trying to cast the affair oartner in a bad light because they don't eat to be with them anymore.

Show quote history

If this new partner kicks them out, they will have nowhere to go and I can see them asking their partner to take them back.

I can’t see it happening.
The first couple of weeks they begged for them back but I think now they’ve woken up and wouldn’t take them back.

They are selfish, there’s no denying it that but the deeper they get into this relationship the worse it’s going to get.
I worry if they end up having a baby and getting trapped.

OP posts:
Original poster
369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 14:00

Mygosh · 31/12/2023 13:54

Yes, sounds like a red flag to me. Better to be alone than controlled.

Just because the person has made a mistake, doesn't mean they deserve to be slagged off or told they deserve it. After all, nobody knows what their previous relationship was like.

Exactly!

That’s exactly how I feel.

Yes my friend was a twat and I’ll never forget what they’ve done but I don’t want them to think they deserve being in a controlling relationship just because they did bad.

They do not know this person at all and I’ve suggested doing a Claire’s law but they won’t have a bad word said about them but I think that’s purely because they’re burying their head in the sand.

If they heard it from multiple posters then they might start realising actually it’s better to end things now, even if it makes me look like an idiot than carry things on.

OP posts:
ScottishShortie · 31/12/2023 14:03

Is your friend a woman?

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 14:05

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 14:00

Exactly!

That’s exactly how I feel.

Yes my friend was a twat and I’ll never forget what they’ve done but I don’t want them to think they deserve being in a controlling relationship just because they did bad.

They do not know this person at all and I’ve suggested doing a Claire’s law but they won’t have a bad word said about them but I think that’s purely because they’re burying their head in the sand.

If they heard it from multiple posters then they might start realising actually it’s better to end things now, even if it makes me look like an idiot than carry things on.

Show quote history

Except they would be admitting to their own controlling and manipulative behaviour.

This person is a proved liar. Why do you think they are above lying to you?

Mygosh · 31/12/2023 14:12

@369damnshesfine
All you can do is be there to help when the shit hits the fan. Try to direct your friend to the Freedom Programme.