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Original poster

To think this is a huge red flag

89 replies

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 11:12

A friend of mine recently had an affair and left their partner and 3 kids and moved in with their new fling, after only knowing them for a few weeks (obviously completely unacceptable).

We had a Xmas works do just before Xmas and they ended up staying out longer than they originally planned (not late).

When they got home their new partner had locked the door from the inside and refused to let them in.

A couple of hours later, where my friend was sat on the doorstep, they eventually let them in but was in an awful mood and refused to speak to them.

I think this is a huge red flag and I would end things immediately.

They are playing it down but I think it’s because they’ve left their marriage and kids and now will look silly if they admit they were wrong.

Would you encourage them to leave or just let them get on with it?

OP posts:
Ladolcevita233 · 31/12/2023 17:11

that he locked her out

Oh, it's a woman (?)

Well yes, she probably won't get another man who'll take on being resident parent to her kids if she decides to cheat and walk out.

Oh and she didn't have to move in with NP because her ex changed the locks ..... If she's on the deeds/mortgage/tenancy agreement, he can't do that.

All she had to do was get some temporary accommodation - with you, for example since you're willing to put her up, and go through police and legal channels to get back in until the house is sold or the tenancy agreement changed.

It was an excuse .... She didn't have to move in.

harerunner · 31/12/2023 17:11

Ladolcevita233 · 31/12/2023 17:06

I worry if they end up having a baby and getting trapped.

Why would they be trapped when they have no problem cheating on and walking out their previous partner with 3 kids in the picture.

Well, unless she abandoned her baby with her new partner - which is possible I suppose given her history - she'd have to find someone other sucker to take her in, and she won't be quite the catch if she's pregnant or has a newborn!

Ladolcevita233 · 31/12/2023 17:13

unless she abandoned her baby with her new partner - which is possible I suppose given her history

She'll not get two men in a row she can do that to.

And a guy who locks her out cause she's stayed out socially longer than expected is definitely not gonna be the sort to take on residency of his child and manage the childcare etc.

harerunner · 31/12/2023 17:16

You friend has fucked up, and fucked up very badly. The best you can do as a friend is to help her pick up the pieces of her shattered life when she's ready to face the reality of quite how big a fuck up she's
made!

How old are her kids btw. That's pretty relevant here. I realise you probably won't want to give precise ages, but are they little, about to leave home, or somewhere in the middle.

Original poster
369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 17:24

Ladolcevita233 · 31/12/2023 17:06

I worry if they end up having a baby and getting trapped.

Why would they be trapped when they have no problem cheating on and walking out their previous partner with 3 kids in the picture.

Because the ex was in no way controlling.

OP posts:
Ladolcevita233 · 31/12/2023 17:25

But I do not believe that means they deserve to be in a relationship that has huge red flags.

Someone who'll get involved with an attached person with three kids - is a walking red flag.

I'd actually say even more the case when it's a man - because ow tend to be told the cheater's script and believe it; whereas men, well on average I find men a lot more cynical and judgemental and black and white when it comes to cheating wives. So there's something up with him to begin with.
He's also now in a relationship (maybe) with a woman he knows cheats .... So he's probably quite untrusting and suspicious.
Overall his behaviour does sound dodgy too.

She probably thinks this has to be something - because she fucked up her partnership for it .... But actually it may not be a viable relationship. She needs to accept that, that maybe the affair was an exit one and thus is not meant to be some big love story or successful relationship. Maybe the successful relationship is with someone else in time.

Otherwise she's going to stay no matter how he acts and be very vulnerable. She needs to get her own accommodation sorted and not rely on him for it.

Ladolcevita233 · 31/12/2023 17:26

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 17:24

Because the ex was in no way controlling.

Show quote history

I wrote that before it read it's a woman.

I was saying a man who's walked out in a partner and 3 kids would be unlikely to have a problem doing it again.

Original poster
369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 17:27

harerunner · 31/12/2023 17:08

@369damnshesfine

People will judge my friend more harshly based on their sex and so I don’t want that bias.

I know you've been determined not to reveal the sex of the subject of this thread, but you kind of let the cat out of the bag with that comment! You'd only write that if "they" were a woman. Time to cut to BS, and accept posters know she's a woman!

Besides, you say you don't want to her to realise that this thread is about her, as you know she's on MN but, come on OP, if she does stumble across this thread, the fact you haven't revealed her sex (even though you have unwittingly) won't be enough for her not to know it's about her.

It’s not my friend who I’m concerned about seeing the thread, it’s the new partner who is on MN.

I’m sure they’ll twig because the details are identifying but I still don’t want to put my friend in that position.

And as you can see from PPs, the replies they give will depend on the sex of my friend.
Some would judge a woman more harshly for having an affair and some would judge a man more harshly for having an affair.

OP posts:
Original poster
369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 17:30

harerunner · 31/12/2023 17:16

You friend has fucked up, and fucked up very badly. The best you can do as a friend is to help her pick up the pieces of her shattered life when she's ready to face the reality of quite how big a fuck up she's
made!

How old are her kids btw. That's pretty relevant here. I realise you probably won't want to give precise ages, but are they little, about to leave home, or somewhere in the middle.

The kids are late primary and early secondary.

Unfortunately, they have been affected as mum and dad’s arguments weren’t hidden from them.

And yes that is good advice.

I was being quite judgemental at the beginning but I have stopped doing that now as I feel they wouldn’t open up to me if they thought I had a ‘serves you right’ attitude.

OP posts:
Original poster
369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 17:32

Otherwise she's going to stay no matter how he acts and be very vulnerable. She needs to get her own accommodation sorted and not rely on him for it.

I have tried to drill this in their head, that they can be with whoever they want to be with but they just need to find their own place.

Apparently the new partner does not believe in this though and they either act like a proper couple and live together, or they stop being a couple.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 31/12/2023 17:45

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 14:58

Because that’s the entire point of my thread.

If my friend didn’t have an affair and met someone the normal way, then chances are they would see a red flag and run in the opposite direction.

My friend is ignoring these red flags, simply out of pride/to save face because they know they ruined a lot of people’s lives and caused a lot of pain but it was out of ‘love’ and they could justify it.

If they admit that they were wrong and their life isn’t as great as they thought it would be, then it’s admitting that they did all that for nothing.

My concern is exactly that.
That they’re staying in a relationship simply because they don’t want to admit they messed up.

They’re already living together and talking about marriage and babies and if my friend already thinks they can’t leave, then it’s going to be a lot worse when they’re married or have kids.

Show quote history

Why? They've left one family already, I'm sure they could leave another.

Lurkingandlearning · 31/12/2023 18:37

I think you’re being lied to. What culture is the new person from - where people don’t date and shack up with someone they’ve known for only a few weeks. That sounds more like reckless poor choices or desperate neediness than cultural

Original poster
369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 18:43

Lurkingandlearning · 31/12/2023 18:37

I think you’re being lied to. What culture is the new person from - where people don’t date and shack up with someone they’ve known for only a few weeks. That sounds more like reckless poor choices or desperate neediness than cultural

I don’t think it’s me that’s being lied to because I think it’s absolute BS.

I know some culture value marriage but I don’t know any culture that says dating is not ok but having sex out of marriage is.

OP posts:
festivetinseling · 31/12/2023 20:30

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 16:26

A bit of both really.

The ex accused my friend of cheating (which they were) then told them they want them to leave.

My friend walked out there and then and then an hour or 2 later, the ex asked them to come back and sort things out and talk.

My friend then refused to come back and stayed at their NPs.

The ex then told them not to come back and changed the locks and then my friend went mad because it’s ‘their home too’ and the ex has no right to change the locks.

My friend then had no where to go and so asked the NP to move in.

The NP does not know it was because my friend had no where else to go.

Show quote history

The phrase 'hoist with your own petard' springs readily to mind.

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