To think this is a huge red flag

[369damnshesfine]

A friend of mine recently had an affair and left their partner and 3 kids and moved in with their new fling, after only knowing them for a few weeks (obviously completely unacceptable).

We had a Xmas works do just before Xmas and they ended up staying out longer than they originally planned (not late).

When they got home their new partner had locked the door from the inside and refused to let them in.

A couple of hours later, where my friend was sat on the doorstep, they eventually let them in but was in an awful mood and refused to speak to them.

I think this is a huge red flag and I would end things immediately.

They are playing it down but I think it’s because they’ve left their marriage and kids and now will look silly if they admit they were wrong.

Would you encourage them to leave or just let them get on with it?

I can see that the new partner wants to get married to differentiate themselves from the friend's previous relationship. It's the same with wanting a family - they want to erase the friend's family from their lives.

All you can do is be direct with your friend and tell them that this new partner doesn't sound nice, doesn't sound caring, will detach them from their family even further and wants ties that will bind them forever, when they've already shown themselves to be a nasty piece of work.

Sorry I’m going to be harsh here. A mother leaving her children causes immense psychological harm. It’s the ultimate abandonment. Completely and utterly inexcusable. I come from a family where the mother left her four children for another man. One of those children was my mother. She’s now immensely mentally damaged. Two of the other children committed suicide, the fourth went off the rails had multiple spells in jail. She needs to get out of this relationship, get herself sorted, focus on her children. The idea you’ve even said ‘she might have more children with another man’ made me choke. The concern you have for this ‘friend’ seems so ridiculous that I’m starting to think it’s a wind up

My friend had their keys, which is why I asked them if they’d lost them and they said no.

The door would have been locked anyway which is why my friend took their keys with them.

The NP then locked the door from the inside so even with having the keys you couldn’t open it.

They called me because we are friends and we were at the Xmas do together but they left earlier than me.

My friend was ringing NP mobile, pressing the buzzer and knocking on the bedroom window (FFF) and the NP still didn’t hear them for ages apparently.

There’s no backtracking here.

If you don’t think that’s a red flag, that’s absolutely fine as that’s why I came on here to get other peoples opinions.

I personally think it’s a huge red flag.

How am I enabling it?
And how am I not their friend?

I have literally started a thread saying I’m concerned for my friend and this new relationship - that is literally the opposite of enabling it and not being their friend.

I think they were awful to have an affair and leave their 3 kids in such a way.
If you’re not happy then leave, don’t cheat.

But I do not believe that means they deserve to be in a relationship that has huge red flags.

Regardless of the affair and rights or wrongs of that… locking someone out to sit on the doorstep for being late home is a huge red flag.

This rings very true and it’s good advice, thank you.

Thank you.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have put about the affair in my OP but I think it’s very relevant as to why they’re ignoring such a big red flag.

I don’t doubt this at all.

I am a single mother and I know the impact of a father who is not involved and I can only imagine how damaging it must be to have someone who has been involved for years, suddenly decide a new partner is more important and fuck everyone else.

I spoke to the DCs schools just to give them a heads up because it definitely had a huge impact on them at the time and probably still does.

But that does not mean I think it’s ok for my friend to be punished by being in a bad relationship.
The DCs would also be affected if the relationship turns out to be controlling.

Yep huge red flag.
If NP is on MN and has read the thread they already know its about them.

OP I am not sure you can get through to your friend as they are refusing to listen.

As for marriage, is your friend married to there ex partner as this would certainly slow down the process.

Poor kids

OP didn’t say it but nobody knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage.

OP did say however that the friend did take her keys and that the partner locked the door from the inside. But you’re obviously choosing to ignore that because given the friend had an affair she clearly deserves to have ended up in an abusive relationship in your and others’ opinions.

Perhaps if the bloke had given her a good slapping you’d have said that was ok too.

OP, you really shouldn’t have posted that she’d had an affair. I can see why you did but in truth this fact was only ever going to lead to one response.

No, I wouldn’t say it’s ok to give them a good slap. Are you sick?

Op knows her friend has manipulated and controlled her partner. And suspects the partner might be controlling.

Op knows her friend is a liar.

I did misread the bit about the keys. But we have no clue if the new partner just forgot.

At best ops friend is abusive and at worst both of them are. But Op knows the friend is a liar and knows they are lying straight to them. Which is why I suggested the best op can do is tell her friend to get counselling. Because whatever the situation is m, they need it.

and I can’t believe people are justifying yeh friend having an affair, leaving their family, lying to the new partner about their marriage and manipulating the new partner into letting them live with them, by saying ‘maybe the marriage was unhappy’. Maybe it was. The friend could have just left.

Then we have Op now calling the kids school. The school of these children, when Op also claims to have barely spoken to the friend.

If you can’t see the massive holes in the story and the narrative that the new partner is definitely abusive and the friend is too scared to leave, I can’t help you.

1. Already trying to talk your friend into marriage.
2. Tries to go on a works do, even though it’s no +1s.
3. Tries to talk them out of going without them.
4. Locks them out the house in the middle of the night as ‘punishment’ for being later than expected.
5. Silent treatment the day after.

Please show this summary to your friend as this is abuse. Manipulative, controlling, jealous abuse.

This person will continue to manipulate your friend. Try to make them feel bad about doing anything without them. Isolate them. Make them think that perfectly normal behaviour like staying out when you’re having a good time is unacceptable and selfish and therefore making your friend feel like they’re always in the wrong, always having something to make up for. Refusals to acknowledge them in sustained silence, leaving your friend to feel scared, unstable and insecure and willing to do anything to get back into the good books.

This is exactly how abusive relationships start. Do exactly what they want and feel the sunshine of their approval and gratitude. Try to assert your own needs or boundaries and be punished until you believe those needs/wants/boundaries are unreasonable too.

Regardless of what your friend did, she needs out of that relationship now. That’s not a red flag, it’s a fucking semaphore convention.

and again no Op would be told they were abusive of their husband went out, came back late and was calling their friends (who they barely speak to) that they had been locked out when they simply forgot to take the key out.

Or abusive for being pissed off.

It just wouldn’t happen.

I assumed the OP meant that when her ex left, she called her kids’ schools because she knew what an impact the loss of their dad would be and probably still is.

I’m rereading that post and can’t decide which is the right way to understand their wording.

Yes they were begging their ex for a divorce, which the ex was refusing because they wanted friend back.

Now the ex has decided to go ahead with the divorce and so I don’t know how long that takes but apparently it’s quite quick now.

And yes I am concerned that NP has probably clocked it’s about them and I was going to have it removed but perhaps the replies may be good for them to read.

I’m not sure why you’re trying to twist things to fit your narrative.

I have been good friends with my friend and their family for years.
I have only barely spoken to them since this all happened, simply because I was disgusted by the way they went about it.

My friend is my friend and their ex just became my friend over the years but since this has all happened I have stayed in regular contact with the ex and the kids.
The DCs regularly stay at mine and have done for years.

Where are the holes in my story?
Please enlighten me.

Its almost like you’re trying to twist things to find holes, which I don’t understand.

My friend did some awful things which I don’t condone.
But they are definitely not abusive or controlling to their NP.

They have said things to me which are of concern but whenever I say anything they will downplay it.

You are not happy my friend had an affair, which I get and agree with but my thread is about the NP and friends relationship.

OP, you really shouldn’t have posted that she’d had an affair. I can see why you did but in truth this fact was only ever going to lead to one response.

Yes I agree.

I felt if I hadn’t then people might say that the friend needs to leave, but it’s much harder to do because of the circumstances.

Did your friend leave their partner and kids or did the partner find out about the affair and kick them out?

Cheats who get kicked out very often end up on their lover's doorstep and expect to be taken in. This one might not have been all that happy about it, and even less happy when your friend stayed out longer than they said they would. Your friend is a known philanderer so the new partner will (justifiably) not trust them as far as they can throw them.

Yes thank you!

There have been a couple of other small things that you wouldn’t think twice about, but when you add them all together it makes a much bigger picture.

A PP said it’s no big deal that he locked her out because it’s for safety reasons, which I would normally agree with.

But it’s the fact it was locked from the inside (never happens usually), ignored the phone calls and buzzer, gave them the silent treatment etc and it just all adds up to something really concerning.

The fact that my friend had an affair is so wrong but it means they are allowing the NP to get away with these things because they’ve sacrificed so much for them.

A bit of both really.

The ex accused my friend of cheating (which they were) then told them they want them to leave.

My friend walked out there and then and then an hour or 2 later, the ex asked them to come back and sort things out and talk.

My friend then refused to come back and stayed at their NPs.

The ex then told them not to come back and changed the locks and then my friend went mad because it’s ‘their home too’ and the ex has no right to change the locks.

My friend then had no where to go and so asked the NP to move in.

The NP does not know it was because my friend had no where else to go.

If your friend’s new girlfriend/boyfriend kicks them out they won’t need to continue paying rent/bills to them and can use that money for a bed and breakfast/ hotel until they’ve found their own place to rent or buy.
their marriage was over if they threw it away so easily so moving out and finding somewhere of their own to live was what they should have been doing anyway

Yes that is very true.

I did say to them they could stay mine temporarily but the NP says if they’re in a relationship then they need live together and get married, as people don’t just date in their culture.

I think it’s more that they don’t want to leave, as that’s admitting they did all this for nothing.

The ex also seems happy and getting over it too, which is why I think they want to keep the pretence going.

I worry if they end up having a baby and getting trapped.

Why would they be trapped when they have no problem cheating on and walking out their previous partner with 3 kids in the picture.

@369damnshesfine

People will judge my friend more harshly based on their sex and so I don’t want that bias.

I know you've been determined not to reveal the sex of the subject of this thread, but you kind of let the cat out of the bag with that comment! You'd only write that if "they" were a woman. Time to cut to BS, and accept posters know she's a woman!

Besides, you say you don't want to her to realise that this thread is about her, as you know she's on MN but, come on OP, if she does stumble across this thread, the fact you haven't revealed her sex (even though you have unwittingly) won't be enough for her not to know it's about her.