Husbands rejection - any others?

[NikkiManz88]

Hi all, hope you had a lovely Christmas. To cut an incredibly long story short - my husband and I moved from a very healthy, frequent sex life to very rarely having sex, about a year and a half ago. It gradually reduced over the last few years. We communicated well (or what I thought was well) throughout this time and I was conscious of the fact that I’d just had a baby and my body had changed. I’ve consistently asked him over the last few years if the change in intimacy was due to him no longer finding my body attractive. He would say it was done to ED and lack of libido. My instinct would tell me otherwise and I’d feel bad about myself. I’m aware that I’ve comfort eaten because of this, so I’ve put on weight. That I hold my hands up to and I am doing something about that, for myself as well as my relationship.

More recently, he’s been going out often with friends and hasn’t been affectionate or attentive/compassion like he usually is. It’s been at its worst over Christmas. Fast forward to yesterday when I begged him to communicate with me openly and honestly because I could sense something was wrong. He finally told me that he hadn’t found me attractive for years (since I had our son) and said he’s unable to go there with me intimately because of it. He said he’s aware that our relationship is in trouble and on the road to ending. This was a huge shock after years of telling me that he felt secure and happy with me and our relationship. It floored me. I’m glad that he’s been honest and I’m not looking to bash him for the honesty that I’ve been asking for. The floored bit is more the fact that I feel mortified that for years I’ve been thinking that we’re in love and he suffers with ED, whereas for years he’s said that he’s hoped I’d look like I did when we first dated.

I take full responsibility of the part that I’ve had to play in this, so I hold my hands up and it’s my own fault. I’m just wondering if there’s anyone else here who has been through similar and has found that their relationship has been able to recover after this? I feel as though he’s checked out. His whole character and respect of me has changed overnight.

I know that it isn’t another woman or cheating. He is a good man and I know he wouldn’t do that to me. I trust him about that. I’m just wondering whether even if I go back to my original size, would I ever feel comfortable to be intimate again or would I just wonder if he’s hating what he sees and not being honest again.

He’s lied to you repeatedly when you’ve asked for honesty, and at a very vulnerable time in your life too.
I don’t see how you can get past that, but it would be worth seeing if he’d attend counselling.
Did you want more children, if so, how will you achieve that with him? I’d say that he won’t be wanting more when you look at how it’s affected him.

https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2018-04940-001

I don’t think it’s down to looks honestly. And I am not even sure he realises that.

Call his bluff and chuck him out. If he’s such a fucking oil painting he’ll have no trouble.

Forget weight everyone ages and changes, did he expect you to be frozen in time? Weird shallow creature.

@Rania78 He seems suddenly so reluctant to have these discussions, so I don’t know what else could be going on in his head or what else could be going on. This is his first serious relationship, whereas I’ve been married before and I’ve said about how important communication and honesty is. I’d rather know but I think he’d rather avoid difficult discussions and now this is where we’re at.

@DustyLee123 Ive suggested counselling and he’ll say yes, but then is reluctant to put that into action or talk honestly. It’s just so sudden. It was only at the beginning of December that he said about how good our relationship was. We decided on no more children as soon as we had had our second, for financial reasons. Obviously a wise decision considering.

I just find it odd that he lost i terest as soon as you had your son. For other men happens as soon as they marry a woman. It’s a difficult psychological situation and can only be resolved (if it can) through counseling.

@orangegato I don’t want to do anything in haste at the moment because I don’t want it to mess the kids up. Plus, I’m living in his house (I moved into his house from renting when we first met)!

I hear you though. I feel like just saying that I let him go if he feels so badly about me.

To be honest, the fact he said this so recently means nothing. The reason I say that is because my marriage of 13 years ended recently but right up until the last minute he would tell me how great our relationship was. He would even say that in Counselling, which was a fruitless activity because he wouldn't be honest, and it sounds like your husband is cut from the same cloth that way.

I would be very surprised if it were down to merely physical attraction to be honest. That may be all he is aware of or can pin it down to put it into words to make sense of it, but there will inevitably be more to it than that. Some very ugly people ate incredibly attractive to their partners, while extraordinarily attractive people are sometimes with completely losers that don't value them or see their worth, so can't hold onto them.

It could be so many reasons: is he depressed? Is there any mental health issue with him other than the eating disorder? (which is massive on its own, to be fair), does he feel woefully in adequate as a parent and struggling with your new roles? is work okay? Is his family life alright and does he have any friends? There is so many ways you could look into this to figure out how much of this is how he would be with anyone and how much of this is how he is with you because he realises you're not the right person for him. I honestly don't know how you would find that out with without him being completely honest with you and himself, it may be he's not capable of delving into that level of knowledge about himself, and in which case he could at least do you the favour of agreeing to see a counsellor to find out what is going on, rather than expect you to live the rest of your life with someone who is telling you he doesn't find you attractive.

I'm really sorry you're going through this OP. There's no easy way out for you: if you stay and work through it, there needs to be a lot of repair and rebuilding done, and if you figure out that it's the end of your relationship, you've got massive changes ahead of you when you didn't see it coming. The best thing you can do is to find ways to build yourself up, make yourself, stronger, and build up your self esteem, so you don't let anybody else knock your belief about your personality or looks.

Not the best start to the New Year but this will not be how the rest of your life is, this time next year, looking back, I am sure that you will view this as a painful experience that you've got through with your little boy.

@NikkiManz88 so sorry - he sounds very shallow but it's still heartbreaking when it's such a shock. How long have you been married/together?

Incidentally - it's not just his house anymore so stop thinking that way. You're married with children so it's yours too. If he won't do counselling and he feels your relationship is ending, you have every right to ask him to leave and you stay there with the kids.

There is nothing you can do to change this situation. For some men, the trigger is the having the baby or getting married as someone else alluded to. The attraction dips at that point or goes away completely. It wouldn’t matter if you were a size 10 beauty. He would still likely be the same. It’s a problem he has and one that only he can work on. He is unlikely to do so though so you need to start making plans. So many men will stay in a relationship regardless. They usually get their needs met elsewhere along the way, leading to even more heartache.

The worst thing for me reading this is that you consistently tried to ask him about how he felt and he lied- and also that for some bizarre reason he thinks you should be the exact same as when you first met. I'm sorry OP but as much as you seem to be taking a lot of the "blame" because of some weight gain or other changes he sounds very selfish and very shallow. I would be incredibly hurt by this. What about all your qualities as a person, a partner and a mother that have nothing to do with just appearance?

This is not your fault. He is the one with issues. If he was in an accident and his face was disfigured would you finish with him? So you have put on a bit of weight. We have all been there but our partners still love us. Please don’t think you are at fault. He has already checked out of the relationship. Let him go.

Totally true. It's the marital home.

You’re really doing yourself a disservice here, OP, by taking on such an enormity of blame for the way you look. Yes, physical attraction is important, but it is only one part of marriage and your marriage should absolutely still be functioning if one part “diminishes”. Firstly, I doubt it’s diminished to the extent you are unrecognisable and secondly, sexual attraction in a long term relationship should and must be based on so much more than you looking the exact picture of what you did when you first met. It’s unrealistic, it’s misogynistic and it speaks volumes to his very poor character and how he values people.

Even if he had entirely lost attraction to you based on a turn of certain differences (bad enough in itself), the fact that he is so unwilling and disinterested in putting work into your marriage, based on what you look like, is pretty disgusting.

I don’t see how you can or should be willing to invest your energy, time and love into a person or marriage that values you so little, or how your marriage can be sustained on the hinge of you essentially freezing your physical appearance forevermore.

If you are willing to base your marriage on these values and concede that it is OK, it will also become how you find sole value in yourself and how you think you are worthy of love. Your son will in turn grow up with these values.

Please raise the bar for yourself and your child.

How much weight have you put on? Are we talking a couple of stone or 19 stone? Has his appearance changed at all over the years or has he maintained the same looks?

Honestly I wouldn't buy that theres no one else. The change of respect indicates otherwise

Don’t be so sure there isn’t a lady who has caught his eye.

Unfortunately I agree that there is likely another woman in the picture.

I know you’re going to be irritated by this and I get that you think you know him but why are you so sure there isn’t another woman? He’s already shown you he can lie to you repeatedly. He’s going out more, withdrawn from you, pretty much giving you the ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ speech and rewriting the narrative of your relationship, all of that is pretty much bang on the affair nose!

Don't blame yourself . In reality most ( if not all ) woman change in some way after the birth of a child/ren . So you are 100% not unique .
However, it is your husband that is at fault here .
There are some men who see their girlfriends / wives as attractive , sexual beings but once they have had a baby , they become mothers and therefore not seen as sexual anymore . That is on him , not you .

It sounds as if he has based your relationship on looks. Looks change as years go on. He should be in love with who you are. Book the counselling don’t give him the option to back out of it. It will make things clearer if both of you can be honest.

He has lied to you for many years, made you doubt yourself, caused you to comfort eat with his cruelty, made you second guess yourself and go against your own instincts all because he wasn't brave enough to have a talk with you.

Been there done it. I'm now out the other end and the difference is night and day.

You know what you need to do. As a couple you have no future. But you as a woman does.

you have 2 kids and he expects you to look like you did when you started dating? What a fucking prick. Let him go. You're worth so much more.

This sounds familiar like a few threads lately and the op had excellent advice.

So you start out thinking my body is unattractive. You keep asking him over and over again about it like a masochist. You never believe him and instead of working on your appearance, you self destruct more. It makes you more insecure and unhappy. Do you think if he turned around and said yes i'm disgusted by your body .. do you really think it will motivate you? It might initially spurr you on to starve for a couple of months but soon enough you will gain the weight back.

There are no guarantees in life. You could have had a 6 pack and a size 4 2 weeks after birth and he could have cheated or checked out..you could have gained 100lb and had your husband still loyal and horny all over you.

Focus on getting yourself to be proud and comfortable in your own skin that means therapy, exercise and diet. Because right now you are deep in fear which is making you eat more. Break the cycle for you. Regardless of what happens with him.
Obsess about yout own health and appearance rather than him.

Yes it shouldn’t matter if you have put on weight .
how despicable of him and disrespectful.
All he has to say was that he didn’t love you anymore in a kind way .
if he ever loved you , it wouldn’t matter what you looked like . Is he perfect? I’d bet not . Who does he think he is anyway .
You have to think of your mental well-being as he is destroying your self worth and confidence - no one should be allowed to do that . Ever!
It’s best to ask him to leave and it is your house too , be kinder to yourself and your kids and get rid of him .
Ive wasted years by not being brave , don’t do the same thing .

Yes I’d agree there could be someone else . Don’t lose your self worth and self esteem for this man - he isn’t worth it .
I have done this and had 3 years counselling.
Some therapy for self love would be good for you , but tell him to leave , otherwise he will just continue to make you feel bad and will may just stay as it’s easy for him , like a roof over his head , he’s got someone at present to cook and clean for him .
Don’t waste your life . Let him go .
Your kids will get used to a change , they are resilient, and if you are happier , so will they be . Be strong , be brave . You’ve got this .