Husbands rejection - any others?

[NikkiManz88]

Hi all, hope you had a lovely Christmas. To cut an incredibly long story short - my husband and I moved from a very healthy, frequent sex life to very rarely having sex, about a year and a half ago. It gradually reduced over the last few years. We communicated well (or what I thought was well) throughout this time and I was conscious of the fact that I’d just had a baby and my body had changed. I’ve consistently asked him over the last few years if the change in intimacy was due to him no longer finding my body attractive. He would say it was done to ED and lack of libido. My instinct would tell me otherwise and I’d feel bad about myself. I’m aware that I’ve comfort eaten because of this, so I’ve put on weight. That I hold my hands up to and I am doing something about that, for myself as well as my relationship.

More recently, he’s been going out often with friends and hasn’t been affectionate or attentive/compassion like he usually is. It’s been at its worst over Christmas. Fast forward to yesterday when I begged him to communicate with me openly and honestly because I could sense something was wrong. He finally told me that he hadn’t found me attractive for years (since I had our son) and said he’s unable to go there with me intimately because of it. He said he’s aware that our relationship is in trouble and on the road to ending. This was a huge shock after years of telling me that he felt secure and happy with me and our relationship. It floored me. I’m glad that he’s been honest and I’m not looking to bash him for the honesty that I’ve been asking for. The floored bit is more the fact that I feel mortified that for years I’ve been thinking that we’re in love and he suffers with ED, whereas for years he’s said that he’s hoped I’d look like I did when we first dated.

I take full responsibility of the part that I’ve had to play in this, so I hold my hands up and it’s my own fault. I’m just wondering if there’s anyone else here who has been through similar and has found that their relationship has been able to recover after this? I feel as though he’s checked out. His whole character and respect of me has changed overnight.

I know that it isn’t another woman or cheating. He is a good man and I know he wouldn’t do that to me. I trust him about that. I’m just wondering whether even if I go back to my original size, would I ever feel comfortable to be intimate again or would I just wonder if he’s hating what he sees and not being honest again.

I'm not just saying this to make you feel better but you are stunning! Your wedding photo is beautiful 😍

Sadly I'm going with he's probably met someone else as this is usually the case, especially as hes saying it out the blue like this 😔

Could it be as simple as blonde vs. brunette?

I think people are being harsh on him (expectedly, given the forum). Let's assume what he's saying is true... no partner (man or woman) wants to hurt someone they love by saying they no longer her find them attractive. Men can get beer bellies, lose hair, stop putting in effort, just as women can put on lots of baby weight that's never lost, c-section scars etc. No (nice) partner is going to mention that these things affect their libido... but they do. They'll all lie until they are absolutely pushed. ("Does my bum look big in this?")

I honestly think he's telling the truth. It's a harsh truth, but no man is going to say this, especially to someone he loves, unless it's a last resort. He'll evade with "I'm not in the mood, I'm busy, stressed, the kids are nearby..." way before he even comes close to this bombshell.

People fancy what they fancy. He should be no more judged by saying he prefers slimmer women (if this is true) than the vast majority of women saying they won't touch short guys.

If you want to lose weight, do it for you, not him. In truth though, 90% of attraction is confidence. I'd find a confident larger person WAY more attractive than one who always references their weight, needs constant reassurance, now wears slobby sweatpants, or someone who has gotten lazy with their appearance, just as most people would. I'm not saying this is you, but confidence does 90% of the work.

Oh OP, this is so sad. It’s not about you at all. He has lied to you, broken your trust, told you that your relationship is likely going to end - and why? Because he is shallow and immature.

Most of us marry because we love the person, we do not expect them to stay the same, indeed we expect (hope) that one day we will wake up with our 80 year old partner and we will love them still, whatever life has thrown our way. Many of us endure health issues, weight changes, hair loss, woman have pregnancy, childbirth, and menopause to contend with but when we decided to marry, we made a lifelong commitment - in sickness and health.

I put on quite a bit of weight post-kids and during lockdown. I was very unhappy. My husband never withdrew his love and affection. He was sad because I was sad but he didn’t judge or tell me what to do.

Your DH is not a good man and like others, I think he is cheating. I am not saying that to be unkind - from the information you’ve shared about him and how he’s treating you, I would not be surprised.

I hope you can feel better about yourself because you do not need to change for him.

It would be really unreasonable for him to go off you over one dress size.

However- did he see you give birth? Some men really struggle with the shift in dynamic from girlfriend and lover to wife and mother. It’s not about you, but about other changes in your relationship. He honours and respects the mother of his children, loves her as a family member, and struggles to associate her with a ‘sex object’.

If that were the case, date nights may help you reignite the spark along with other ways of building in that playfulness.

I see this as the equivalent of women going off men they end up mothering. When a man is really needy (dressing gown of doom, man flu, incompetent at cleaning up after himself, crack handed at DIY) it’s a turn off.

Fuck me, OP, you are beautiful.

@NikkiManz88
A lot of women figures change especially after having a baby it's natural,

i agree with some of the others poster's i think 🤔 there is more to this,
Your husband saying comments like that,

i agree with @NannyCats & @GoldEarrings @RowanMayfair posts on here too,

@Didimum has hit the nail on the head with her post too..

Just looking at your photos,

Don't let him knock your cofindence, you are attractive woman with curvaceous figure,

Your husband sounds like he has insecurities, who is shallow

you would be much better off, being with a man who appreaciates you better and has much depth and integrity with him too..

You have to pity a man so unobservant that he does not realise human bodies change over time and particularly after they have produced children.

Don't worry too much about the house. It is likely to be classed as a marital asset if you divorce, and you may well get to stay in it if the children are going to be living mainly with you.

You only live one @NikkiManz88

Why waste 🗑 your time with this 😒 shallow misogynistic loser Prick of guy,

I bet he has put on a bit or some weight over the years or his is not perfect himself 🤔

Oops typo mistake Once *

How are you so sure there's no other woman?

You are stunning in both. As PP have said it seems to be more about him than you. Don't blame yourself for a growth of one dress size, both those images show a gorgeous woman. If it's since the birth of your child it is more a Madonna/whore issue or a rewriting of history as he has his eye on someone else.

Life too short.

You have your answer but you don't want to recognise it.

Take your time, I think be kind to yourself and look to making you happy!

there are literally millions of men on this planet.bin him,spend a bit of time rediscovering you.drop him like aHot potato.asshole(him)

Had a very similar experience. The rewriting of history, going off sex (with me), telling he no longer found me attractive.

unsurprisingly, it was indeed another woman. It’s the usual story

This! So sorry OP -I have also fallen foul of this 😔😔

You’re beautiful. Agree with PPs that this isn’t about your weight (you’ve basically gone up a dress size, not suddenly become unrecognisably obese).

Your DH either has some deep seated issues around childbirth and motherhood, as some men do, or his head has been turned, or both. Unfortunately the increased disconnect and distance, plus socialising without you, does suggest the start of something outside of your marriage.

Either way, you don’t deserve to be made to feel like this 💐

(Have reported your pics in case no one else has, and you should report the post yourself as it will prob get taken down quicker if you do it.)

I do agree with a previous poster who said that the idea of a husband/wife admitting to their spouse that they no longer find them attractive due to weight gain is alien to me. I don’t think I could ever, ever imagine saying something so hurtful to someone I loved, even if it was true. Even if they asked me over and over again I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to say it.

If it is a weight issue then I imagine he only hid it from you because he didn’t want to hurt you, not because he was purposefully trying to deceive you.

My body has changed a lot since having two children and although I am very self-conscious of it my husband is constantly reassuring me that he loves my body, and he loves having sex with me, and that yes we have both changed since we first met (13 years ago) but it doesn’t change how he feels about me at all. He said that my body changed as a result of having our two children and that this fact makes him love those changes even more.

Those are the words and actions of a decent guy.

Even if your DH has been trying to protect you from his truth, if it really is a weight issue then he’s not a man who deserves to be with you. Women’s bodies are amazing things and they undoubtedly change after having children but that is something that good men understand and for some men, find incredible.

Please stop blaming yourself for any of this.

If it is a weight issue then I guess he can’t help how he feels, we see it on here all the time that we can’t help what we do and don’t find attractive.

However, if his attraction has gone because he can’t cope with how the changes that your two pregnancies (post meeting him) have caused then like I said, he doesn’t deserve you.

Please don’t let him affect your self esteem like this.

Going up two dress sizes is hardy a huge amount and if you want to lose the weight then do it for you, not in order to please your husband.

I’m really sorry you are going through this, you must feel very shocked and very hurt. You now just need to have the difficult discussion about where things go from here.

Sadly, the fact he was so quick to say he knows the relationship is in trouble and on the verge of ending, makes me think there may be another woman and that finishing his relationship with you has already been on his mind for some time. It was a very quick leap to make otherwise.

I hope you are right and there isn’t an affair going on, but do prepare yourself for the possibility.

Many women who are the victims of an affair are married to “good men who would never cheat” ☹️

@EnjoythemoneyJane Ive reported my own post so many times this morning! I’ve emailed twice too! Hopefully they’ll be able to deal with it soon 🙏

@MNHQ Could you please see above and also as detailed in my email?

I would think that he lied so as not to hurt you, but as you’ve kept asking he’s felt it time to be honest?

(I’m saying this as there seems to be no malice and you say he’s a good man, wouldn’t hurt you, cheat etc).

We can’t really help our thoughts to be honest, he can’t help not finding you attractive (he may still love you). I don’t think it’s a shallow thing to admit to. It’s very hurtful no doubt, but he can’t help it in my opinion. People saying “oh it doesn’t matter what you look like” but does it doesn’t it?

If my DH put on a considerable amount of weight or indeed lost a huge amount, sorry but I wouldn’t find that attractive. I can’t help that. Isn’t worse to lie and be intimate whilst feeling disgusted. I couldn’t do it. If that makes me shallow, then so be it. I’d be concerned for his health, worried how it would affect our lifestyle as no doubt he wouldn’t be able to keep up with me or vice versa! If I put on weight (and I have put on weight with peri, it’s harder to lose).

It’s up to you whether you’re happy with your weight and health. If you are happy as you are, then you know how he feels and will need to make a decision as to whether you carry on with the relationship. If you do lose weight, it needs to be because you want to. Then you’ll have to think about whether you still want him or not.

Does he do his fair of chores, are you doing all the cooking and cleaning. Do you really want to lose weight for yourself? I’d concentrate on myself first and then assess the relationship.

I first saw your post about 20-30 minutes ago and I couldn’t see your photos.

@NikkiManz88 your photos do seem to have been deleted.

I didn't see the photos but I agree it's probably more than just weight or looks. When I first met my now XH I was a lot lighter. After we'd been together a couple of years I got sick and gained a lot of weight and ended up weighing more than him. When I told him that he was really shocked, obviously he'd noticed I'd gained weight, but not how much because it made no difference to how he saw me. He was worried for my health but that was it. Fifteen years later when I again gained a lot of weight he not only noticed he was negative and nasty about it. In that 15 years our relationship had broken. His feelings about my weight gain were the symptom not the cause

I would be very surprised if he's not seeing someone else or at least interested in someone else in particular. I really feel for you. I would certainly be getting my ducks in a row right now and looking for somewhere else to live, preferably somewhere quite far away.

He is a good man

Sorry but he is not judging by what you are saying.