Husbands rejection - any others?

[NikkiManz88]

Hi all, hope you had a lovely Christmas. To cut an incredibly long story short - my husband and I moved from a very healthy, frequent sex life to very rarely having sex, about a year and a half ago. It gradually reduced over the last few years. We communicated well (or what I thought was well) throughout this time and I was conscious of the fact that I’d just had a baby and my body had changed. I’ve consistently asked him over the last few years if the change in intimacy was due to him no longer finding my body attractive. He would say it was done to ED and lack of libido. My instinct would tell me otherwise and I’d feel bad about myself. I’m aware that I’ve comfort eaten because of this, so I’ve put on weight. That I hold my hands up to and I am doing something about that, for myself as well as my relationship.

More recently, he’s been going out often with friends and hasn’t been affectionate or attentive/compassion like he usually is. It’s been at its worst over Christmas. Fast forward to yesterday when I begged him to communicate with me openly and honestly because I could sense something was wrong. He finally told me that he hadn’t found me attractive for years (since I had our son) and said he’s unable to go there with me intimately because of it. He said he’s aware that our relationship is in trouble and on the road to ending. This was a huge shock after years of telling me that he felt secure and happy with me and our relationship. It floored me. I’m glad that he’s been honest and I’m not looking to bash him for the honesty that I’ve been asking for. The floored bit is more the fact that I feel mortified that for years I’ve been thinking that we’re in love and he suffers with ED, whereas for years he’s said that he’s hoped I’d look like I did when we first dated.

I take full responsibility of the part that I’ve had to play in this, so I hold my hands up and it’s my own fault. I’m just wondering if there’s anyone else here who has been through similar and has found that their relationship has been able to recover after this? I feel as though he’s checked out. His whole character and respect of me has changed overnight.

I know that it isn’t another woman or cheating. He is a good man and I know he wouldn’t do that to me. I trust him about that. I’m just wondering whether even if I go back to my original size, would I ever feel comfortable to be intimate again or would I just wonder if he’s hating what he sees and not being honest again.

Book the counselling don’t give him the option to back out of it.

She shouldn’t have to forcefully drag an unwilling participant to counselling. He comes of his own free will, with enthusiasm, or it’s over.

In reality how different are you from when you first met ?

Does he open himself up for emotional connection?

There are men and women for whom physical attraction remains very important otherwise you're like a family member or a good friend. Signs would have been there in courtship, what they compliment most about you and others tends to be physical, their preoccupation with appearance, commenting on others appearance.
Communication is important to you (and me) but he was communicating non verbly and was showing you hoping you would get the hint, giving you time to adjust after the new baby, he was trying not to hurt you by saying it out loud. 99% of men know any weight gain comment to a woman is a red line.
He basically couldn't win, if he said yes or no. He couldn't bring himself to sexually desire you, yes it's shallow but sexual attraction is shallow.

He might have had an affair because he still wanted sex and needed to channel his urges somewhere. The right thing would have been an honest conversation about your weight and the relationship or separating but then he would be breaking up the family and leaving you with a baby.

I don't think it's all your fault or his, I think you both didn't handle this change and new arrival well. Even if you lose the weight and he is allover you, would you even want him back then after his rejection? He doesn't want counselling. It's very sad.

Firstly I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

The only thing I would say just trying to put myself in your/his shoes is that I honestly don’t know how or if I could ever bring myself to tell my husband that I don’t fancy him anymore due to his weight, and I also can’t imagine him ever saying that to me, even if it was true. So I don’t know how much I could or would blame him for not saying this sooner because genuinely I cannot imagine saying that or being told that, even if that was the case and my husband was asking me point blank I’m not sure I could say that.

As another poster has suggested, how much have you actually changed? Is it weight or is it bigger than that? For example in my relationship, we have both always been quite health/fitness conscious, not living in the gym or anything but like we both eat quite healthily, home cooked meals, we both like to walk every day 10k steps, we both like to go to the gym/run. If my husband suddenly did a complete turn around and was eating rubbish constantly, lounging on the sofa all day, lots of takeaways, had no interest in his health anymore, that would probably massively change our relationship, not directly because it would impact his weight but because he would have just stopped looking after himself. So I couldn’t care less how he looks physically and I think he would say the same about me (I’m currently 6 months pregnant so definitely look very different to when we met🤣), but it would affect how I saw him if he wasn’t taking care of himself anymore?

@Mrsttcno1 i quite agree. Having a baby changes much already, for example not much partying or boozing, less sex, cranky due to lack of sleep, less interesting conversations, money is perhaps tighter, less spontaniety to go out or have a weekend away, have to be quiet and tiptoe around baby that your whole.schedule and life is dictated by the baby.. then the weight, don't like dressing up and going out like before, feel crap stopped looking afterself and grooming, dress badly because you don't want to buy a new wardrobe so live in drabs 'until' you can fit in old clothes, avoids socialising, less active, self conscious in sex limiting positions..etc....

Change has consequences.

I take full responsibility of the part that I’ve had to play in this, so I hold my hands up and it’s my own fault.

Your own fault? How come? Why are you so quick to blame yourself for his shortcomings and immaturity?

Normal sane adult men know that bodies will change after having a baby and have a bit more depth and sincerity in their approach to relationships.
Please stop blaming yourself and get your self-esteem into gear.

The phrase "you deserve better than this" springs to mind.

As you are married, you are still entitled to a share of the house if you were to split up, and a SHL could probably get you a deal of staying put with the DC's till they are 18.

This sounds like classic Madonna/Whore complex. It has NOTHING to do with how you look, and everything to do with his skewed ideas of women and their roles. You could look like a supermodel and he’d be exactly the same. He needs counselling.

Exactly. Even Gisele Budhen divorced because she lived in a sexless marriage. One of the most desirable women in the world.

My partner (& ExH) loved my body all the more after having their children.

Took me a year to shift the weight this time (I gained 35kg, it was me who wanted to get fit again), my partner still pounced at me and squeezed all wobbly bits with adoration saying 'I'm all his' with love. And this is a man who isn't attracted to a fat body type. He loves my body for what it is (albeit with zillions of stretch marks/loose skin) & can't get enough of me and will kiss my stomach/fuss me with love. To me I look knackered (baby still waking in night & working full time etc) but he is a good man and we make each other feel good/give grace.

I share this to give you an insight rather than accept how he has acted since you had your baby. Perhaps things would have played out differently with the right support. Take the reins love, carve the life you want to live and see your worth. You deserve the best. Take care.

A marriage is supposed to be life-long. No-one, no-one, not him or anyone will look the same as when they first started dating. In every couple I know, the man has put on weight through age, some of the women have too and everyone's faces have fallen a bit and anyone who has had kids has a bit of a belly/overweight. If he's not up for that, at least you know now. I think that everyone is right, he's thinking of jumping ship.

Book the counselling don’t give him the option to back out of it

This is terrible advice. Counselling is not a magic bullet.

It only works if people are there freely because they want to work on themselves/ their relationship and are willing to do the hard and painful work to get to where they want to be.

Thanks so much for the replies everyone. A few have mentioned about marriage being a factor is changing things, as well as a new baby. Well we got married last December, so we’ve only been married a year. We’ve only been together for 6 years.

When I first met him, I had a 2 year old from my marriage, so although he isn’t her biological father, he experienced all that came with parenting and toddlers immediately. Though we had time at the weekends, where my daughter would go to visit her dad.

When we first met, I was a size 12-14. A lot for some but this is my happy and natural size, because my hips and bust haven’t fitted into smaller since teenage years! I’ve now been between a size 16-18. As I say, I fully hold my hands up to having comfort eaten and put on weight. It isn’t as easy as to pass this off as laziness, as those who have been unhappy enough to emotionally eat will understand. I’m absolutely bigger and that isn’t a place where I’ll be staying, but it’s where I am now. I haven’t given up on effort into appearance/fashion/hair etc and I enjoy dressing up and going out.

I think one of the main things I’m struggling with at the moment is that if he hasn’t found me attractive for years (since our son was born), this includes our wedding day. I can’t get it out of my head that I married someone who watched me walk down the aisle, hoping I looked different. Pic added for attention for when we first met (quite literally our first date) and then wedding.

i think you do look quite different in those 2 pictures, but equally attractive in both.

Well very different pictures but yes still very attractive.

I suspect there is more to this than just "looks" but if he struggles with honesty it will be difficult to work through.

I would personally remove your pictures though before the Daily Mail decides to put you in their paper

@NikkiManz88 you are gorgeous, but you might want to rethink having recognisable pictures on here.

I haven't much useful advice but it does seem that you've given him a convenient excuse for what's happening as you look lovely ij both photos and going up one or two dress sizes after DC is entirely normal.

@rookiemere im trying to take them down (half asleep moment of realising not private forum). Could you report the post please so I can get them taken down!

@Sunflowergirl1 i agree. Could you please report the post because it won’t let me take it down myself?

I agree with others that you should take the photos down OP. FWIW you're attractive in both photos. It's not about that though, plenty of attractive people end up being rejected by their significant others. It's a "him" problem and you won't be able to get him to fancy you again if he's moved on in his mind. Would you even want to live that way, being paranoid over your appearance and second-guessing what he thinks of how you look?

@NikkiManz88 have reported for you

@CryptoFascist I agree. Could you report please so they get taken down. I also contacted when I remembered it wasn’t a private forum. Thanks.

You look great OP. Its not a you issue don’t blame yourself

I'm sure MNHQ will be on it as soon as they're awake.

Excuse me….you are an absolutely stunning woman in both photos. He wasn’t attracted to you enough to have sex? He needs psychological support.
You are absolutely gorgeous and sexy. He is the one having the problem. I can’t imagine there are many men who wouldn’t want to sleep with you.

I wouldn't even say you look like the same person but I would say you look beautiful and more natural in your wedding photo. Hope you get the pics down asap