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Original poster

Partner’s porn choices disgust me

134 replies

MayaTea · 30/12/2023 19:14

Its crazy because I never thought this would be an issue for me but I was wrong. I knew that my DP watched porn and I generally don’t have an issue with it (I’ll even watch some myself at times). He’s never made a secret of it either, but it’s nothing we really discussed much because I don’t share his interests there.
The problem is I saw some seriously disgusting stuff on his phone and kept scrolling and I can’t unsee it now. There was one video with over 1000 comments and lots of people there even asked how the fuck this was legal and on a porn site because that’s how wrong it looked. It’s all legal and legit but seriously creepy and I’m more than disgusted for a variety of reasons. He doesn’t get it at all.
I don’t think I can just put this aside and I’m so upset.

OP posts:
Weddingblues23 · 31/12/2023 00:28

@LaughingCat well done for your dignified responses. Other poster is out of line.

Manyandyoucanwalkover · 31/12/2023 00:29

Any type of porn is pretty degrading for women. I always think that the women are someone’s daughter and who would really want that for their daughter?

Hermittrismegistus · 31/12/2023 00:34

What is CNC?

SpidersAreShitheads · 31/12/2023 00:34

@LaughingCat - you’ve been extremely kind and magnanimous with your responses to a particularly rude poster.

I don’t share your tastes but I see absolutely nothing wrong with anything you’re describing. The ridiculousness of suggesting you shouldn’t be around vulnerable women and children because you’re into BDSM 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

All credit to you for such a balanced and thoughtful response.

LaughingCat · 31/12/2023 00:37

Panaa · 31/12/2023 00:17

I wouldn't consider a lot of CNC porn to be consensual even if it technically is.
There's a netflix show 'hot girls wanted' which goes into this, 18 year olds signing up to do that kind of porn, 'consenting' to it but they don't realise how awful it's going to be, and if it gets too much or they can't take it anymore mid scene they don't feel like they can stop because they're not going to get paid then, and they've already put themselves through X amount of hours of it so they push through so it wasn't all for nothing. Often they end up paying out for medical bills afterwards as they've been injured.

Most of them are out of the business within 3 months and deeply regret it. They don't have the life experience or even experience with sex to really understand what they're consenting to.

Show quote history

I’d agree, @Panaa I was talking more about the subscene within the BDSM community itself. The porn industry itself is rife with abuse - which is why I prefer to stick to producers like Paulita Pappel, Stoya or Gala Vanting. I prefer to know that all the actors, male and female, have been treated with respect, understand their rights and haven’t been made to do anything they aren’t comfortable with. What you describe is absolutely heartbreaking and you know when you see it on camera. It has to stop but it will only happen if people vote with their feet and choose ethical porn producers and platforms.

The industry feels like it is slowly being held to account and is changing…it’ll take time but with PornHub’s legal controversy and actors like Deen and Jeremy being held to account, I think it’s beginning to move in the right direction.

VanityDiesHard · 31/12/2023 00:39

Hermittrismegistus · 31/12/2023 00:34

What is CNC?

Consensual Non Consent. It is a behaviour practised in the BDSM community but it can be abused, of course.

fuchsteufelswild · 31/12/2023 00:43

If you become desentisised to adult porn then it could potentially become a problem when it gets hard to toe the line. Google The Knock to read up on just how big this problem can get.

IHateLegDay · 31/12/2023 00:47

So he gets off to videos of girls that appear v underage getting bullied into sex acts whilst they look terrified?
Yeh, that's fucked up.
Whether they're acting or not is irrelevant here.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 31/12/2023 01:14

workshy46 · 30/12/2023 19:39

What was it .. hard to say without knowing ?

It really isn't.

SavageTomato · 31/12/2023 01:23

IHateLegDay · 31/12/2023 00:47

So he gets off to videos of girls that appear v underage getting bullied into sex acts whilst they look terrified?
Yeh, that's fucked up.
Whether they're acting or not is irrelevant here.

This. Seriously fucked up. I'd be gone.

Latewinter · 31/12/2023 02:18

Fionafaorta · 30/12/2023 20:08

How do 2 consenting partners, say 30+ age in their own room, making consensual, vanilla porn, have anything to do with child abuse??

Show quote history

Think you're being naive if you think that's what most men are watching.

Coyoacan · 31/12/2023 03:26

harerunner · 30/12/2023 21:34

Ridiculous in the sense that watching vanilla porn between consenting 20 somethings relate to child abuse?

I don't know about the child abuse in this case, but how on earth do you know the adults are consenting? Porn uses a lot of trafficked women.

NaughtybutNice77 · 31/12/2023 03:53

I've watched porn...but not as a rule and its generally private. Sometimes though I've watched some weird shit not because that's my thing, but because I'm fascinated/intrigued. Ive recieved WhatsApp vids too that are gross.
Do you think this turns him on and he has a thing for underage girls? This would put me off....or is it more the 'exotic/doll like' aspect, so more cos play?
It sounds to me like you've stumbled upon the ick of your life! If it's turned you off him there's your answer. Listen to your gut.

Ladyj84 · 31/12/2023 05:20

I would have an issue with any porn..do you know the majority are not consenting adults but trafficked men and women.. Disgusting hate it

Dutiful · 31/12/2023 06:46

OP, you mentioned that you never thought that your DP watching porn would be an issue for you. Is that because you gave "permission" back at the start of your relationship? I ask because when I met my DP it felt that I'd be labeled a prude if I didn't appear OK with porn. At the time DP was a member of the office porn club which was basically all the men handing around mags between them. Gross, I know. Obviously that wouldn't happen today, at least I hope not.
What I'm saying OP, is that things have moved on and just because you were ok with something doesn't mean that you still have to be. My DP is now exDP and one of the factors for me was that nauseous feeling after finding him searching for teenage sex on the internet.

ohdamnitjanet · 31/12/2023 07:02

TheSunIsOutAndTheSkyIsBlue · 30/12/2023 20:04

I wish people would realise that porn has it dirty little roots in child abuse. All of it. So whoever watches it, paying or not, has a part in that.

Stop being so "cool" and realise you are part of the problem that has warped and will warp generations if you watch porn.

Whether you think this poor person in the video is 12 or 22 - it is all the same. Abuse. And raise you bar, fgs

Couldn’t agree more. Couldn’t be with anyone who watched porn. Ugh.

Perfectlystill · 31/12/2023 07:14

IHateLegDay · 31/12/2023 00:47

So he gets off to videos of girls that appear v underage getting bullied into sex acts whilst they look terrified?
Yeh, that's fucked up.
Whether they're acting or not is irrelevant here.

This.

I wouldn't hang about.

everyredsock · 31/12/2023 07:18

Stichintime · 30/12/2023 19:56

So you're fine with some niches but not others?

Surely it's good to know what you're ok with and what you're not ok with. Your point makes no sense.

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/12/2023 07:41

The fact that he is trying to defend himself is making him even worse. I would've lost all interest in him now.

MyLeftKnee · 31/12/2023 08:00

When I was younger and so much more stupid my then Fiance watched porn, I knew, I was cool. Then I saw what he watched one day, women being forcefully and violently fisted. Trying to crawl away, crying. It's been 30 years and I can still recall it vividly. Guess what, he actually hated women and was a violent, unpleasant turd. Took me 4 years to get rid but seeing that porn was one of the things that began to make me look at him properly and see him for what he was.

Startingagainandagain · 31/12/2023 08:00

Trust your guts OP.

If what you saw disgusts and concerns you then it is a good enough reason to leave your partner.

It really saddens and worries me how we have been brainwashed/gaslighted when it comes to porn.

It is obvious that there are serious issues with it but women keep second-guessing themselves for fear or being 'prudes' and 'not cool'.

Porn is an industry and Its aim is to make money. It is not about liberating people or helping them have a better sex and love life...

The way it makes money is by hooking up people and getting them to come back for more. The industry has chosen to do that by showing more and more extreme and niche content. It almost always shows sex from a very male point of view and more often than not that includes the explicit abuse of/violence and degradation against women. Not to mention the fact that some of the women appearing in this video have ever been trafficked or filmed without their knowledge.

It does not matter that the woman in this video is an adult actress. It matters that she is made to look like a young girl so that men can get off on it. There is nothing justifiable about this.

This is not what sex should look like or is about as far as I am concerned.

It makes me so sad that so many teenage boys and young men get their sex education from porn. It is toxic and damaging to relationships.

CurlewKate · 31/12/2023 08:05

@Fionafaorta
How do 2 consenting partners, say 30+ age in their own room, making consensual, vanilla porn, have anything to do with child abuse?"

How do you know that's what's happening?

OhamIreally · 31/12/2023 08:21

It's no wonder women are second class citizens is it?

Fucking horrible disgusting pervy men. Sick of it.

cerisepanther73 · 31/12/2023 08:50

@Fionafaorta

I can totally understand the ick 🤢factor at extremely questionable tastes of the very idea of someone looking at teenager porn whether it's looks like someone is over the age of consent and someone is deliberately made to look school girl ect,

But BDSM can be between consensual adult couples,
Obviously it's unausaul fetishism fantasty but just cause its not vanilla sexual fantasty

But that does not make 🤔 it something that is sexual deviancy terriority.

I can understand some couples who are in consensual relationships, getting fed up of stale vanilla sex/ lovemaking of conventional missionary position, on regular basis type of thing.

There are convention sexual fantasties or fetishism such as likening your partner to wear high heels , decorative stocking full length boots, Doctors and Nurses roles playing and flirteous Secretary etc

Then there is having consensual sex love making when female partner is menstruating or having anal sex
Having oral sex

To some couples who are from particular religious faiths this would be seen as shocking weird a sexual taboo a sexual devinancy transgression against their faiths guidelines.

Some other couples in consensual relantships would have no problems with the idea of doing these sexual practises whatsever,

So ones couples idea of enjoyable experinces ,

is another's couples idea of "sexual devinancy a taboo ect...

EveryKneeShallBow · 31/12/2023 08:52

LaughingCat · 30/12/2023 23:38

I find that a little judgemental - as I said, CNC is not my preference but it is consensual. That’s the basis for it.

Why, as a strong, independent 40-year old woman, who has achieved in life, has a happy, loving relationship of nearly 15 years with my DH, and spends a considerable amount of time volunteering to support the homeless and victims of domestic abuse, should I not be allowed around kids or vulnerable women?

I enjoy adrenaline in the bedroom. But there’s a huge deal of difference between the adrenaline you get on a theme park rollercoaster, with all its safety measures, checks and regulations (that’s the BDSM relationship in this metaphor) and the adrenaline when you’re in a car that's clipped a curb, flipping end over end towards a brick wall (domestic abuse or SA).

The fact that I know and can recognise that difference, is exactly why I support the vulnerable. Because abuse…real abuse…makes me rage. Anyone that harms others are the lowest of the low.

Ohhhh…wait…did you assume I’m a dude?

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Good analogy @LaughingCat , thanks.