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Original poster

Would you find this dismissive and disrespectful?

101 replies

MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 13:52

A few weeks ago I met someone on a night out with other people. He was a lot of fun and we hung out all night and then he drove me home as I had missed my train and he wasn’t drinking. He didn’t try it on but I could tell he liked me as it was out of his way and we’d only just met.

we stayed in touch after that and he messaged me most days. We went for a couple of beach walks together and he came along one night to this hobby group I go to in another town, so again going out of his way to spend time with me.

Nothing physical happened all this time other than hugs. He knows I’ve been through a horrific time this year (Domestic abuse, separation, bereavement by suicide, mental breakdown) and I’d told him I wasn’t in any mental state to start anything with anyone.

I told him all of that because I didn’t want to look like I was leading him on in any way, although I did wonder if the hugs were a bad idea. He also said he wasn’t interested in dating anyone because he’d been left broken by his last relationship ending.

So a couple of nights ago we’d been talking about getting together to hang out and I messaged him saying if he was up for some sex then I would be too. Christmas was quite rough for me emotionally because of everything that’s happened in recent months and I felt like I wanted some comfort and cheering up.

He said he was up for that and we went to his. We had a really good time and it felt healing and comforting, exactly like I’d hoped.

And since then, he’s kind of disappeared. We were meant to be getting together last night (I’d asked the day before and he’d said yes) then yesterday I messaged him asking what time would work for him. No answer and a few hours later I messaged him saying “or we can just leave it”. He then replied saying sorry, his grandad had a medical emergency and he’s been in hospital all day.

I replied saying how sorry I was, hoped his grandad would be ok, hoped he and the rest of the family were bearing up as well as possible and so on. He just replied with “sorry”. I messaged him later on asking “so what happened?” meaning what happened to his grandad etc, and what was going on with the situation? And I meant that as a friend, which is how we’d related to each other up til now.

And I haven’t heard anything since then.

Is it unfair of me to think it was bullshit and he was just fobbing me off? I know it could be true and I don’t want to be a self centred dick about it if he really does have a family emergency.

But I can’t help feeling like he’s just dismissed me with a shit excuse. And if that’s what he’s done, I’m kind of gutted because it’s disrespectful and unnecessary.

We don’t know each other well but I’m not a stranger either. He knows I’m extremely fragile emotionally so I’m really surprised that he’d treat me like that.

It’s not so much that he’s seemingly lost interest, it’s the way he’s handled it.

If he’d made a more convincing excuse and been more apologetic I probably still would have guessed but I wouldn’t have felt so disrespected, if that makes sense?? It’s the dismissiveness that’s got to me.

OP posts:
Alphyn · 30/12/2023 14:29

If his grandad had a medical emergency and he was in hospital all day yesterday, I doubt he would have the time or inclination to reply particularly since you are not in a relationship and you have both said that you are not looking to date or enter into a relationship. It sounds like your expectations have changed since you had sex, whereas his clearly haven’t. Sorry OP but I don’t think he has been dismissive, he doesn’t owe you a live update on the situation.

perfectcolourfound · 30/12/2023 14:30

There are 2 scenarios:

  1. He's telling the truth, which explains his short response and lack of chat since. ie he's done nothing wrong.
  2. You think he's lying.
You know him - which is most likely?
Original poster
MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 14:51

Alphyn · 30/12/2023 14:29

If his grandad had a medical emergency and he was in hospital all day yesterday, I doubt he would have the time or inclination to reply particularly since you are not in a relationship and you have both said that you are not looking to date or enter into a relationship. It sounds like your expectations have changed since you had sex, whereas his clearly haven’t. Sorry OP but I don’t think he has been dismissive, he doesn’t owe you a live update on the situation.

That’s fair enough. I would have made sure I eventually responded properly to anyone who’d contacted me in that situation (and yes I have been there myself) but people do handle communication differently and he wouldn’t necessarily go about things the same way I would.

My expectations haven’t changed, I’d have been just as annoyed if we only had plans to hang out and nothing sexual had ever happened between us.

OP posts:
Original poster
MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 14:52

perfectcolourfound · 30/12/2023 14:30

There are 2 scenarios:

  1. He's telling the truth, which explains his short response and lack of chat since. ie he's done nothing wrong.
  2. You think he's lying.
You know him - which is most likely?

I don’t know him well enough to say.

OP posts:
Trieditall · 30/12/2023 14:59

It sounds like he has completely backed off sorry. I’d leave it and wouldn’t keep asking how the grandad is. His story could be half true but he would still text you at some stage if he was interested.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/12/2023 15:01

MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 14:52

I don’t know him well enough to say.

Show quote history

Then it probably wasn't wise to put yourself in a vulnerable position with him in the first place.

No doubt he has been a bit of a shit but if you are fragile then you need to take care of yourself, especially if you've had such a rough time. You shouldn't rely on a practical stranger to accommodate or prioritise your emotional health.

It's a shame this happened but make sure you learn from it.

Original poster
MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 15:07

It’s ok, I’m not heartbroken. I liked his company a lot but wasn’t especially attracted to him - enough to sleep with but no more than that. He seemed far more attracted to me.

I just don’t appreciate the rudeness of being binned off like that, it feels staggeringly disrespectful. I’ll live though.

OP posts:
MistletoeandJd · 30/12/2023 15:56

I would say you've fallen a bit more then you intended to.

And I would give him space just now he wasn't ready for a relationship either so either he could be overwhelmed + grandad and he just needs some space or he's just going to dissappear. I actually think it will end up being the first.

CharmedCult · 30/12/2023 16:01

It strikes me that there are an awful lot of men who have some kind of “family emergency” involving an elderly relative in hospital, shortly after having sex with someone for the first time.

It’s a common theme of dating.

I can guarantee he’ll pop up again in your messages in a few weeks/months time.

Original poster
MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 16:31

I have contacted him directly and basically said how fucking dare you ghost me. In the tone we always talk to each other in, which is pretty direct.

He replied immediately and said he didn’t ghost me, he’s in hospital and he hasn’t been talking to anyone. And he’s sorry for being quiet. I apologised and said I’d thought it was a shit excuse. He said no, just a really shit time.

So we’re still friends, the tone of conversation between us is absolutely normal and I feel bad for having assumed the worst of him.

edited to add: obviously I have apologised to him

OP posts:
ohyesido · 30/12/2023 16:43

You apologised? really?

I think you know deep down that you are being manipulated by this man, he will do it again and feed you a different tale next time. Unfortunately some people just like outwitting others, and it’s very common for people who are ghosting to angrily deny ghosting when accused, only to ghost again right away…

harriethoyle · 30/12/2023 16:45

You sound absolutely batshit. Leave the poor man alone!

Original poster
MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 16:51

ohyesido · 30/12/2023 16:43

You apologised? really?

I think you know deep down that you are being manipulated by this man, he will do it again and feed you a different tale next time. Unfortunately some people just like outwitting others, and it’s very common for people who are ghosting to angrily deny ghosting when accused, only to ghost again right away…

He wasn’t angry or defensive and I didn’t grovel. It wasn’t a difficult exchange, just cleared up a misunderstanding and we’re ok. I’m pretty confident that we’re still friends. If we don’t have sex again it’s not the end of the world.

OP posts:
TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 30/12/2023 16:51

MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 16:31

I have contacted him directly and basically said how fucking dare you ghost me. In the tone we always talk to each other in, which is pretty direct.

He replied immediately and said he didn’t ghost me, he’s in hospital and he hasn’t been talking to anyone. And he’s sorry for being quiet. I apologised and said I’d thought it was a shit excuse. He said no, just a really shit time.

So we’re still friends, the tone of conversation between us is absolutely normal and I feel bad for having assumed the worst of him.

edited to add: obviously I have apologised to him

Edited

Oh no, did you really? It was only yesterday ffs, you didn't even him him a proper chance.

Coconutter24 · 30/12/2023 16:53

MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 15:07

It’s ok, I’m not heartbroken. I liked his company a lot but wasn’t especially attracted to him - enough to sleep with but no more than that. He seemed far more attracted to me.

I just don’t appreciate the rudeness of being binned off like that, it feels staggeringly disrespectful. I’ll live though.

So you used him because you wanted some “comforting and cheering up”?

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 30/12/2023 16:55

Coconutter24 · 30/12/2023 16:53

So you used him because you wanted some “comforting and cheering up”?

Show quote history

And you felt like you 'had the power' what with him being more into you so expected him to be v keen bean?

ohyesido · 30/12/2023 16:56

Do you want to be in a relationship with him?

Original poster
MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 16:57

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 30/12/2023 16:51

Oh no, did you really? It was only yesterday ffs, you didn't even him him a proper chance.

Show quote history

I would take your point if he was someone I was dating. No way would I have sent a message like that in those circumstances.

But as he’s a friend, I felt able to be more direct. And we’re fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 16:57

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 30/12/2023 16:55

And you felt like you 'had the power' what with him being more into you so expected him to be v keen bean?

Show quote history

Sorry, what?

where did i use those words?

OP posts:
Original poster
MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 17:00

Coconutter24 · 30/12/2023 16:53

So you used him because you wanted some “comforting and cheering up”?

Show quote history

No it wasn’t like that. I expressly told him that’s what I wanted. He was more than up for it. We BOTH had a good time.

and afterwards I messaged him to say thanks for making me smile again as Christmas had been so rough and I’d been really down. And he replied saying if I ever needed cheering up when I’m feeling low, to let him know and he’ll do whatever he can to help.

Nobody was used. It was a mutual comfort thing.

OP posts:
TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 30/12/2023 17:02

MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 16:57

I would take your point if he was someone I was dating. No way would I have sent a message like that in those circumstances.

But as he’s a friend, I felt able to be more direct. And we’re fine.

Show quote history

You basically indirectly called him a liar, suggesting he was ghosting you rather than being in the middle of a family crisis. I hope you're right.

ginasevern · 30/12/2023 17:05

"And he replied saying if I ever needed cheering up when I’m feeling low, to let him know and he’ll do whatever he can to help."

I bet he did.

MILTOBE · 30/12/2023 17:06

I messaged him saying if he was up for some sex then I would be too.

I have contacted him directly and basically said how fucking dare you ghost me. In the tone we always talk to each other in, which is pretty direct.

You really are direct, aren't you?

Original poster
MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 17:09

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 30/12/2023 17:02

You basically indirectly called him a liar, suggesting he was ghosting you rather than being in the middle of a family crisis. I hope you're right.

Show quote history

I already said I didn’t suggest or do anything indirectly, I accused him outright. He responded immediately. We cleared the air straightaway and we’re fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 17:13

MILTOBE · 30/12/2023 17:06

I messaged him saying if he was up for some sex then I would be too.

I have contacted him directly and basically said how fucking dare you ghost me. In the tone we always talk to each other in, which is pretty direct.

You really are direct, aren't you?

I’m direct like that with him, yes. As he is with me. It’s not the way I communicate with everybody but I do feel able to be very upfront with him.

OP posts:
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