Would you find this dismissive and disrespectful?

[MushroomPizza]

A few weeks ago I met someone on a night out with other people. He was a lot of fun and we hung out all night and then he drove me home as I had missed my train and he wasn’t drinking. He didn’t try it on but I could tell he liked me as it was out of his way and we’d only just met.

we stayed in touch after that and he messaged me most days. We went for a couple of beach walks together and he came along one night to this hobby group I go to in another town, so again going out of his way to spend time with me.

Nothing physical happened all this time other than hugs. He knows I’ve been through a horrific time this year (Domestic abuse, separation, bereavement by suicide, mental breakdown) and I’d told him I wasn’t in any mental state to start anything with anyone.

I told him all of that because I didn’t want to look like I was leading him on in any way, although I did wonder if the hugs were a bad idea. He also said he wasn’t interested in dating anyone because he’d been left broken by his last relationship ending.

So a couple of nights ago we’d been talking about getting together to hang out and I messaged him saying if he was up for some sex then I would be too. Christmas was quite rough for me emotionally because of everything that’s happened in recent months and I felt like I wanted some comfort and cheering up.

He said he was up for that and we went to his. We had a really good time and it felt healing and comforting, exactly like I’d hoped.

And since then, he’s kind of disappeared. We were meant to be getting together last night (I’d asked the day before and he’d said yes) then yesterday I messaged him asking what time would work for him. No answer and a few hours later I messaged him saying “or we can just leave it”. He then replied saying sorry, his grandad had a medical emergency and he’s been in hospital all day.

I replied saying how sorry I was, hoped his grandad would be ok, hoped he and the rest of the family were bearing up as well as possible and so on. He just replied with “sorry”. I messaged him later on asking “so what happened?” meaning what happened to his grandad etc, and what was going on with the situation? And I meant that as a friend, which is how we’d related to each other up til now.

And I haven’t heard anything since then.

Is it unfair of me to think it was bullshit and he was just fobbing me off? I know it could be true and I don’t want to be a self centred dick about it if he really does have a family emergency.

But I can’t help feeling like he’s just dismissed me with a shit excuse. And if that’s what he’s done, I’m kind of gutted because it’s disrespectful and unnecessary.

We don’t know each other well but I’m not a stranger either. He knows I’m extremely fragile emotionally so I’m really surprised that he’d treat me like that.

It’s not so much that he’s seemingly lost interest, it’s the way he’s handled it.

If he’d made a more convincing excuse and been more apologetic I probably still would have guessed but I wouldn’t have felt so disrespected, if that makes sense?? It’s the dismissiveness that’s got to me.

Sounds like you don’t need any help from mumsnet second guessing him then! I don’t know why you didn’t just believe his reason, given that have such direct and honest communication.

His family member is having a health crisis and you say that's a poor excuse for not contacting you? That's off to my mind. But I am clueless on current dating conventions.

If you’d read all of my replies on this thread you’d see that firstly, I didn’t BELIEVE him - I thought it was a made up excuse .

And that when I contacted him today and he clarified that it was true, I APOLOGISED to him for having been unfair to him.

So no, I HAVEN’T said that a sick relative is a poor excuse for cancelling at all.

@MushroomPizza my view on this is;

-you said you didn’t want a relationship
-he said he didn’t want a relationship
-you are the one who initiated sex, not him
-he thought “oh great no strings sex” and took the opportunity thinking you were both on the same page
-he felt the dynamic change after sex and backed off
-you then double messaged him so he’s used the old cliche of “elderly relative not well” line.
-you are way more invested in this than you led him to believe initially so what he thought was just no strings sex has now turned into something he said he didn’t want.

You both agreed this was just sex so you don’t need to hear back from him, he doesn’t owe you anything. Maybe this has confirmed casual hook ups don’t work for you and in future you need to be clear that although you don’t want a relationship you also want more than casual.

How do you think it felt, getting that text accusing him of lying when his grandad is actually in hospital? I'd never have spoken to you again if anyone friend or potential date had done that to me, while my grandparent was in hospital.

You appear incredibly self-centred. As you said you're not dating. He owes you absolutely nothing, including a reply to a message on your timeline. He's free to respond when he wants to, especially when dealing with a sick grandparent.

If I was his friend I would be telling him to run!

Sorry but you treated him awfully and now seem to be saying it's OK I've said sorry now.

You come over as very sharp and abrasive in your communication style. I hope he is OK and that you're both on the same page. Good luck.

I know!! I’m far from perfect and I have apologised to him. He knows I’m genuinely sorry and we are ok.

I’m guessing he’ll soon realise that the sex isn’t worth the drama.

There isn’t any drama. There was literally a couple of texts exchanged this afternoon and the air was cleared. We are fine.

You could well be right.

I do believe him now about his grandad though.

It was never the idea that he’d changed his mind that was the issue for me, it was the manner of his communicating it (in my mind) ie a lame excuse followed by ghosting.

OP for someone who openly admitted they are “extremely fragile emotionally” you sure didn’t give a single bit of care to someone else’s emotions whom had already told you they had a family crisis.

As previous poster has said, don’t be surprised when this “friend” disappears over the next week or so. The absolute cheek of you to message someone you have literally known a few weeks, slept with once even though “I’m not really attracted to him” (yeah okay🤣), after he’d already said he was having a family issue, asking how “DARE he“ ghost you! I think the person who needs a little attitude (and importance!) rethink is you. You’ve literally known him a few weeks, why on earth would you expect to be one of the people he takes time to reply to during a family crisis? In his shoes I’d take the time to reply to FAMILY, close long term friends possibly immediately- everyone else can wait until the situation is calmer. You, as a friends with benefits had sex once now clinging, don’t come into that category of “oh I must reply”, and I can’t see how you don’t understand that yourself?

You can’t expect everyone to put you first and look after you emotionally when you so quickly jumped on him after he already gave you an excuse.

I don't know if grandad is true, but you do sound a tiny bit intense.

I messaged him saying if he was up for some sex then I would be too.

are you sure you are both on the same page here?

To me reading your posts (you telling him you weren't ready for a relationship and then saying cold 'I'm up for some sex), it reads as if you were interested in having a one-time fuck buddy thing - or to put it another way, wanted to use him for sex (I know that's very loaded and he is involved too and it maybe two-way 'using' but its a short hand way to convey how it comes across to me).

He may feel a bit 'used' and want to back off a bit to protect himself.
He may have thought now youve had sex he's lost interest.
Or it could be that its true that hospital and life has got in the way.

To me though, the whole thing reads very mixed messages from you and my guess is that you are not both understanding the same message from the same behaviour and communication.

As I’ve said a few times already, I apologised to him and we are ok.

The situation isn’t a dramatic one.

We were meant to get together yesterday. I thought he fobbed me off with an excuse. I told him this afternoon that he was out of order for ghosting me. He confirmed that he hadn’t . I apologised. We are perfectly ok. it was a misunderstanding.

It really isn’t the high drama that many posters are making it out to be.

@MushroomPizza hopefully he’s not the type of guy to lie about his grandad but it’s just such a cliche….man has sex, goes quiet then uses an elderly relative not being well when pulled up on it. It usually gives the man some breathing space because the other person would feel guilty on challenging them. Then the man can come back if they decide to. Maybe he’s telling the truth but I think the next few weeks will show you whether he is. I’m no psychic but I have a feeling he’s going to keep slowly backing off 😬

I’ve already said I’m fragile mentally due to having gone through some heavy duty trauma in recent months.

So yes, perhaps this does mean I’m a ‘tiny bit intense’.

But as I’ve said a few times now, I apologised to him straight away. Unreservedly. And we are fine.

I think that if you want to keep him as a friend, then I would suggest you treat him with a bit more kindness. I know you said you have apologised but maybe try to not be so direct and believe what he says until you have proof that he's not telling the truth.
An ex used to get arsey if I didn't respond immediately, it drove me mad, he berated me once for not texting back, until I told him I'd been taken into hospital with a severe allergic reaction.

It did seem like a cliche and I’ve seen friends being fobbed off with pretty much that exact same excuse so many times. So that, combined with radio silence is what made me assume that’s what was going on here.

Are you fine?

Not those exact, but you said It’s ok, I’m not heartbroken. I liked his company a lot but wasn’t especially attracted to him - enough to sleep with but no more than that. He seemed far more attracted to me.

OP, you seem confused. You say on the one hand that you are friends with this man, then you say you don’t know him well enough to know whether he’s likely to lose interest after sex - of course, you don’t, as you only met him a few weeks ago! You’re new acquaintances who have only met a few times one on one, texted, and had sex once.

You admit you’re bruised from recent bad experiences, and your suspicion of him, and abrasive communication style has already caused drama in your brief relationship. You say it’s all cleared up now, and you’re friends and it’s fine, but I think your judgement is really off.

It doesn’t matter you aren’t looking for a relationship. All relationships, sexual or not, longterm or not, have the potential for hurt and misunderstanding, and you sound as if you’re vulnerable and translating that into aggression.

You don't get to use being 'fragile' as an excuse to be an arsehole to others.

I would tell this man to block you. You didn't want a relationship, you offered some no strings sex, and then kicked off at him for taking a few hours to reply to you.

You keep saying 'we're ok now' as if that solves everything, without any self reflection.

That must have been annoying for you but with respect, that’s not what’s happened here.

I didn’t get upset with him for not responding immediately. It was hours and then radio silence for pretty much an entire day.

i would never expect an immediate response from anyone.

I know the 2 situations aren't exactly the same but what I mean is, maybe give someone the benefit of the doubt before launching at them.