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Original poster

Would you find this dismissive and disrespectful?

101 replies

MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 13:52

A few weeks ago I met someone on a night out with other people. He was a lot of fun and we hung out all night and then he drove me home as I had missed my train and he wasn’t drinking. He didn’t try it on but I could tell he liked me as it was out of his way and we’d only just met.

we stayed in touch after that and he messaged me most days. We went for a couple of beach walks together and he came along one night to this hobby group I go to in another town, so again going out of his way to spend time with me.

Nothing physical happened all this time other than hugs. He knows I’ve been through a horrific time this year (Domestic abuse, separation, bereavement by suicide, mental breakdown) and I’d told him I wasn’t in any mental state to start anything with anyone.

I told him all of that because I didn’t want to look like I was leading him on in any way, although I did wonder if the hugs were a bad idea. He also said he wasn’t interested in dating anyone because he’d been left broken by his last relationship ending.

So a couple of nights ago we’d been talking about getting together to hang out and I messaged him saying if he was up for some sex then I would be too. Christmas was quite rough for me emotionally because of everything that’s happened in recent months and I felt like I wanted some comfort and cheering up.

He said he was up for that and we went to his. We had a really good time and it felt healing and comforting, exactly like I’d hoped.

And since then, he’s kind of disappeared. We were meant to be getting together last night (I’d asked the day before and he’d said yes) then yesterday I messaged him asking what time would work for him. No answer and a few hours later I messaged him saying “or we can just leave it”. He then replied saying sorry, his grandad had a medical emergency and he’s been in hospital all day.

I replied saying how sorry I was, hoped his grandad would be ok, hoped he and the rest of the family were bearing up as well as possible and so on. He just replied with “sorry”. I messaged him later on asking “so what happened?” meaning what happened to his grandad etc, and what was going on with the situation? And I meant that as a friend, which is how we’d related to each other up til now.

And I haven’t heard anything since then.

Is it unfair of me to think it was bullshit and he was just fobbing me off? I know it could be true and I don’t want to be a self centred dick about it if he really does have a family emergency.

But I can’t help feeling like he’s just dismissed me with a shit excuse. And if that’s what he’s done, I’m kind of gutted because it’s disrespectful and unnecessary.

We don’t know each other well but I’m not a stranger either. He knows I’m extremely fragile emotionally so I’m really surprised that he’d treat me like that.

It’s not so much that he’s seemingly lost interest, it’s the way he’s handled it.

If he’d made a more convincing excuse and been more apologetic I probably still would have guessed but I wouldn’t have felt so disrespected, if that makes sense?? It’s the dismissiveness that’s got to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 18:32

blackbeardsballsack · 30/12/2023 18:18

You don't get to use being 'fragile' as an excuse to be an arsehole to others.

I would tell this man to block you. You didn't want a relationship, you offered some no strings sex, and then kicked off at him for taking a few hours to reply to you.

You keep saying 'we're ok now' as if that solves everything, without any self reflection.

I don’t really get what you want from me or from this?

I updated my thread with the outcome (me communicating with him directly about the issue and receiving clarification) earlier.

And I made it clear that as far as I’m concerned everything is ok between us. And that as far as I’m aware, he’s accepted my apology and we’re fine.

So I really don’t get why posters like yourself are demanding I somehow fall on my sword and self flagellate for everyone’s gratification. What more is there to say? What exactly is it that you want me to do?

OP posts:
Howbizzare22 · 30/12/2023 18:32

OP. I’m telling you now his grandad isn’t in hospital. It’s an excuse. The man got sex & lost interest. It’s an age old scenario, it’s what A LOT of men do. There will be absolutely no more interest from this man, asides possibly the odd booty call when he’s horny & lonely. Yep it’s dismissive & rude-that him OP, like many many men. Time to move on.

Mrsttcno1 · 30/12/2023 18:37

MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 18:08

As I’ve said a few times already, I apologised to him and we are ok.

The situation isn’t a dramatic one.

We were meant to get together yesterday. I thought he fobbed me off with an excuse. I told him this afternoon that he was out of order for ghosting me. He confirmed that he hadn’t . I apologised. We are perfectly ok. it was a misunderstanding.

It really isn’t the high drama that many posters are making it out to be.

Show quote history

Respectfully, just because he’s said “you’re ok” doesn’t mean you are. You’ve shown huge red flags by jumping to accusations so he may have placated you for now but if he has any sense he’ll find the block button soon.

You are the drama OP🤣🤣

Original poster
MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 18:38

Mrsttcno1 · 30/12/2023 18:37

Respectfully, just because he’s said “you’re ok” doesn’t mean you are. You’ve shown huge red flags by jumping to accusations so he may have placated you for now but if he has any sense he’ll find the block button soon.

You are the drama OP🤣🤣

Show quote history

If you insist.

OP posts:
RocketsMagnificent7 · 30/12/2023 18:42

Datingahhhhhhhh · 30/12/2023 18:09

@MushroomPizza hopefully he’s not the type of guy to lie about his grandad but it’s just such a cliche….man has sex, goes quiet then uses an elderly relative not being well when pulled up on it. It usually gives the man some breathing space because the other person would feel guilty on challenging them. Then the man can come back if they decide to. Maybe he’s telling the truth but I think the next few weeks will show you whether he is. I’m no psychic but I have a feeling he’s going to keep slowly backing off 😬

Can you blame him if he does back off now? Especially if what's he's said is true. OP is someone he barely knows and she's accusing him of lying while he is in the midst of a family crisis. She's also demanding his time and attention.

squigglygiggly · 30/12/2023 18:46

I'm not sure you are cut out with a FWB arrangement OP. FWB should be respectful but you can't really expect the same level of connection as in a relationship. And it's common after sex for a little back off period. Just so that the FWB dynamic is sustained. Otherwise it can creep into a relationship.

Kinneddar · 30/12/2023 18:49

I have contacted him directly and basically said how fucking dare you ghost me

Being out of contact for 24 hours isn't ghosting.

If someone sent me a message like that when I was dealing with a family emergency I'd already told them about I'd be furious. That would be a deal breaker

Don't be surprised if he's not OK in a few days. Once his Grandpa is better he may feel differently about your message. It might be at the moment saying its fine is easier than dealing with any more drama

I'd block you

369damnshesfine · 30/12/2023 18:49

I have contacted him directly and basically said how fucking dare you ghost me. In the tone we always talk to each other in, which is pretty direct.

Wow!

So he told you his grandad was in hospital and you had a go at him for ghosting you?!
Just wow 😱

Honestly OP this is not normal behaviour and you are way too intense and difficult.

You are obviously not ready to have a relationship or FWBs yet.

Do not text him again and when/if he texts you just explain that you are not ready for this and you need to be on your own.

taylorswift1989 · 30/12/2023 18:49

Sorry OP but you're the one with the red flags here. It doesn't sound like you are ready for a sexual or intimate relationship with anyone.

Telling him you don't want to date and then asking him for sex. Then texting him multiple times and then even after he's told you he's dealing with a family situation, berating him for not putting you first.

Maybe he was ghosting, which is not good behavior. But for future reference, when a man ghosts you, let him. Just let him go. If it's true about his grandad he would have got back in touch when he was ready.

Now you've created drama, and made yourself look unhinged. You're clearly not ready for dating and sex.

taylorswift1989 · 30/12/2023 18:52

Kinneddar · 30/12/2023 18:49

I have contacted him directly and basically said how fucking dare you ghost me

Being out of contact for 24 hours isn't ghosting.

If someone sent me a message like that when I was dealing with a family emergency I'd already told them about I'd be furious. That would be a deal breaker

Don't be surprised if he's not OK in a few days. Once his Grandpa is better he may feel differently about your message. It might be at the moment saying its fine is easier than dealing with any more drama

I'd block you

Same. I'd just block you. Don't be surprised if you never hear from him again.

Britpop123 · 30/12/2023 18:52

Coconutter24 · 30/12/2023 16:53

So you used him because you wanted some “comforting and cheering up”?

Show quote history

exactly
and now he’s got something important happening and isn’t responding quickly enough for you you’ve had a go at him (egged on by the posters deciding he’s a shit for, not sure what, being a bloke probably)

red flags a plenty from you op

369damnshesfine · 30/12/2023 18:54

Howbizzare22 · 30/12/2023 18:32

OP. I’m telling you now his grandad isn’t in hospital. It’s an excuse. The man got sex & lost interest. It’s an age old scenario, it’s what A LOT of men do. There will be absolutely no more interest from this man, asides possibly the odd booty call when he’s horny & lonely. Yep it’s dismissive & rude-that him OP, like many many men. Time to move on.

I’ve never met a man who has sex once and then completely ghosts.

Usually if they know a woman is up for having sex with them, then they keep her around.

They may not make as much effort with her but they don’t just give up the chance of sex again.

Underthesea65 · 30/12/2023 18:57

🚩🚩 you,not him

Original poster
MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 18:57

squigglygiggly · 30/12/2023 18:46

I'm not sure you are cut out with a FWB arrangement OP. FWB should be respectful but you can't really expect the same level of connection as in a relationship. And it's common after sex for a little back off period. Just so that the FWB dynamic is sustained. Otherwise it can creep into a relationship.

I don’t expect the same level of connection as in a relationship.

once again people are putting words into my mouth and slapping me down for things I never actually said or even implied.

my OP was about someone cancelling a meeting, after me having to chase him to confirm arrangements and him not responding. And then 24 hours later wondering if I’d been ghosted as I hadn’t heard anything more from him.

That’s not expecting relationship level connection, that’s just wondering whether I’d been fobbed off.

OP posts:
Britpop123 · 30/12/2023 18:58

Howbizzare22 · 30/12/2023 18:32

OP. I’m telling you now his grandad isn’t in hospital. It’s an excuse. The man got sex & lost interest. It’s an age old scenario, it’s what A LOT of men do. There will be absolutely no more interest from this man, asides possibly the odd booty call when he’s horny & lonely. Yep it’s dismissive & rude-that him OP, like many many men. Time to move on.

She booty called him
id be advising him to run

Mrsttcno1 · 30/12/2023 18:59

MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 18:57

I don’t expect the same level of connection as in a relationship.

once again people are putting words into my mouth and slapping me down for things I never actually said or even implied.

my OP was about someone cancelling a meeting, after me having to chase him to confirm arrangements and him not responding. And then 24 hours later wondering if I’d been ghosted as I hadn’t heard anything more from him.

That’s not expecting relationship level connection, that’s just wondering whether I’d been fobbed off.

Show quote history

You sent him a message basically saying “how fucking dare you ghost me” (your words)… but yes you were just wondering if you’d been fobbed off 🤣 good grief

Britpop123 · 30/12/2023 19:01

MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 18:57

I don’t expect the same level of connection as in a relationship.

once again people are putting words into my mouth and slapping me down for things I never actually said or even implied.

my OP was about someone cancelling a meeting, after me having to chase him to confirm arrangements and him not responding. And then 24 hours later wondering if I’d been ghosted as I hadn’t heard anything more from him.

That’s not expecting relationship level connection, that’s just wondering whether I’d been fobbed off.

Show quote history

The only correct response to being told there’s a family emergency is to say “oh I’m sorry” and let the person do what they need to do

not blow up at them and accuse them of ghosting

Shouldershoulder · 30/12/2023 19:03

You sound very intense , no contact for 24 hours is hardly ghosting.

369damnshesfine · 30/12/2023 19:04

Britpop123 · 30/12/2023 19:01

The only correct response to being told there’s a family emergency is to say “oh I’m sorry” and let the person do what they need to do

not blow up at them and accuse them of ghosting

Show quote history

Exactly!

Of someone told me their grandad was ill in hospital, I would say I’m so sorry to hear that and to let me know if they need anything.

IF I were to text them again, if wouldn’t be for at least a couple of days and only to say that I hope they’re ok.

dooneyousmugelf · 30/12/2023 19:12

He's not your friend. You met him a couple of weeks ago and have been having a no strings fling. I'm guessing it's going to fizzle out soon if he's already started with the sick grandad story.

Howbizarre22 · 30/12/2023 19:14

369damnshesfine · 30/12/2023 18:54

I’ve never met a man who has sex once and then completely ghosts.

Usually if they know a woman is up for having sex with them, then they keep her around.

They may not make as much effort with her but they don’t just give up the chance of sex again.

Show quote history

Really? It’s an extremely well known thing a lot of men completely lose interest soon as you sleep with them.

brokeafterxmas · 30/12/2023 19:20

OP - you've been through a really bad time and it's going to make it difficult for you to trust people. Have you had any counseling for what you have been through?

I would leave it now with your friend and focus on yourself and enjoying yourself. See if he gets in touch in the future and wants to meet up with you again.

LinnieM · 30/12/2023 19:25

And this is someone you met a few weeks ago? You sound like a nut. He needs to block you asap

Original poster
MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 19:26

This is a really nasty pile-on. A lot of it is bordering on personal abuse. I honestly don’t think I deserve this level of scorn.

No I'm not perfect. Yes I’m probably unhinged and self centred too. But I haven’t been intentionally unkind to anyone.

Plenty of people would have assumed the same thing that I did about the lack of response over plans yesterday followed by a brief text excuse then radio silence for 24 hours.

Most wouldn’t have messaged calling him out for ghosting, this is true. It wasn’t ideal of me. However, it did clear the air and as I’ve said over and over again I immediately apologised when my friend confirmed that he was indeed in hospital with his elderly relative.

He accepted my apology and as far as I’m concerned, we are ok. Nobody seems to believe that he could possibly mean it and perhaps they are correct.

Yes as I said, I’m far from perfect. Maybe he WILL block me, maybe I am NOT ready to have any kind of interaction with men at all 🤷‍♀️ Perhaps I WILL get my just desserts for the crime of having been anxious and self absorbed, insensitive and impulsive. Not to mention the horror of my openly initiating sex with someone.

But the jeering, the slut shaming, the self righteous lecturing and the sheer bitchiness is way over the top. What do you all want exactly??

If an OP has already been told over and over again that she’s batshit, a walking red flag, the guy should run for the hills, she’s incapable of having any kind of relationship etc, WHY do you then need to chime in with more of the same?

I won’t be returning to this thread and am feeling absolutely fucking awful so thanks for that, you can consider your work done.

OP posts:
Datingahhhhhhhh · 30/12/2023 19:28

Howbizzare22 · 30/12/2023 18:32

OP. I’m telling you now his grandad isn’t in hospital. It’s an excuse. The man got sex & lost interest. It’s an age old scenario, it’s what A LOT of men do. There will be absolutely no more interest from this man, asides possibly the odd booty call when he’s horny & lonely. Yep it’s dismissive & rude-that him OP, like many many men. Time to move on.

Agree with this. Can’t believe how many people are believing the grandad story to be the truth and then jumping on that band wagon. It’s not quite “my dog ate my homework” but not far off. There was even a thread on here not long ago where the guy said he couldn’t see her as he had to go and visit his grandad in hospital and then she saw him out with another woman.

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