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Original poster

Would you find this dismissive and disrespectful?

101 replies

MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 13:52

A few weeks ago I met someone on a night out with other people. He was a lot of fun and we hung out all night and then he drove me home as I had missed my train and he wasn’t drinking. He didn’t try it on but I could tell he liked me as it was out of his way and we’d only just met.

we stayed in touch after that and he messaged me most days. We went for a couple of beach walks together and he came along one night to this hobby group I go to in another town, so again going out of his way to spend time with me.

Nothing physical happened all this time other than hugs. He knows I’ve been through a horrific time this year (Domestic abuse, separation, bereavement by suicide, mental breakdown) and I’d told him I wasn’t in any mental state to start anything with anyone.

I told him all of that because I didn’t want to look like I was leading him on in any way, although I did wonder if the hugs were a bad idea. He also said he wasn’t interested in dating anyone because he’d been left broken by his last relationship ending.

So a couple of nights ago we’d been talking about getting together to hang out and I messaged him saying if he was up for some sex then I would be too. Christmas was quite rough for me emotionally because of everything that’s happened in recent months and I felt like I wanted some comfort and cheering up.

He said he was up for that and we went to his. We had a really good time and it felt healing and comforting, exactly like I’d hoped.

And since then, he’s kind of disappeared. We were meant to be getting together last night (I’d asked the day before and he’d said yes) then yesterday I messaged him asking what time would work for him. No answer and a few hours later I messaged him saying “or we can just leave it”. He then replied saying sorry, his grandad had a medical emergency and he’s been in hospital all day.

I replied saying how sorry I was, hoped his grandad would be ok, hoped he and the rest of the family were bearing up as well as possible and so on. He just replied with “sorry”. I messaged him later on asking “so what happened?” meaning what happened to his grandad etc, and what was going on with the situation? And I meant that as a friend, which is how we’d related to each other up til now.

And I haven’t heard anything since then.

Is it unfair of me to think it was bullshit and he was just fobbing me off? I know it could be true and I don’t want to be a self centred dick about it if he really does have a family emergency.

But I can’t help feeling like he’s just dismissed me with a shit excuse. And if that’s what he’s done, I’m kind of gutted because it’s disrespectful and unnecessary.

We don’t know each other well but I’m not a stranger either. He knows I’m extremely fragile emotionally so I’m really surprised that he’d treat me like that.

It’s not so much that he’s seemingly lost interest, it’s the way he’s handled it.

If he’d made a more convincing excuse and been more apologetic I probably still would have guessed but I wouldn’t have felt so disrespected, if that makes sense?? It’s the dismissiveness that’s got to me.

OP posts:
taylorswift1989 · 30/12/2023 19:36

Maybe it's not true, sure. But that doesn't make OP's behaviour any better.

If someone ghosts you, let them. Literally nothing is to be gained by trying to get a response from them if they don't want to talk to you.

Let them go because you don't need someone who doesn't care about you in your life.

Arguing the toss with him, trying to get his attention, berating him for not replying to messages - none of that is going to do anything except hurt your dignity.

It's just a lesson learned, OP. Take your time and don't use people for sex or support in future.

MaggieNextDoor · 30/12/2023 19:39

There is no sick grandad. He's not interested in being your FWB either. Draw a line under this or you risk entering bunny boiler territory. I bet my salary he won't be back in touch when 'sick grandad' gets better. Some men enjoy the chase but once they've achieved the goal, their interest wanes very quickly.

baileys6904 · 30/12/2023 19:43

Datingahhhhhhhh · 30/12/2023 19:28

Agree with this. Can’t believe how many people are believing the grandad story to be the truth and then jumping on that band wagon. It’s not quite “my dog ate my homework” but not far off. There was even a thread on here not long ago where the guy said he couldn’t see her as he had to go and visit his grandad in hospital and then she saw him out with another woman.

Show quote history

And I can't believe some people seem to just KNOW that a random stranger's motives, when they've never had any contact with whatsoever, no idea what country they're even in, and could walk past them on the straight without having a clue.

What's more unbelievable, is these people absolutely KNOW all this, far more than the person that has actually had contact, knows the country and would know them from a distance.

It's always the folks that just KNOW that seem to like to keep the negative going, it's never the positive, and like to stick the boot in where possible.

Funnily enough, not all people act the same. Psychology would be much easier if they were.

baileys6904 · 30/12/2023 19:45

The OP has posted for thoughts, got laid into, apologised to the person for her actions, after ale
Ready admitting they have had a tough time, and yet voila, here we still have various folk keeping shit going, keeping with the digs and laying in the boot.

Who'da known its the season of goodwill, at a time we are meant to be more aware of mental health.

OP, I'm glad you've sorted it out

brokeafterxmas · 30/12/2023 20:06

baileys6904 · 30/12/2023 19:45

The OP has posted for thoughts, got laid into, apologised to the person for her actions, after ale
Ready admitting they have had a tough time, and yet voila, here we still have various folk keeping shit going, keeping with the digs and laying in the boot.

Who'da known its the season of goodwill, at a time we are meant to be more aware of mental health.

OP, I'm glad you've sorted it out

Yes, I totally agree. As I said in my post OP has had a tough time.

OP - if you do take another look at this post please ignore the negative comments and hope you have a good 2024

LinnieM · 30/12/2023 20:13

If an OP has already been told over and over again that she’s batshit, a walking red flag, the guy should run for the hills, she’s incapable of having any kind of relationship etc, WHY do you then need to chime in with more of the same

I tend to read all of the OP posts first, read the first page of comments and then finally comment myself🤷‍♀️

NewYearNewMeBullshit · 30/12/2023 20:19

Hope you're okay OP nobody should be feeling like shit because of people on here x

Howbizarre22 · 30/12/2023 20:25

baileys6904 · 30/12/2023 19:43

And I can't believe some people seem to just KNOW that a random stranger's motives, when they've never had any contact with whatsoever, no idea what country they're even in, and could walk past them on the straight without having a clue.

What's more unbelievable, is these people absolutely KNOW all this, far more than the person that has actually had contact, knows the country and would know them from a distance.

It's always the folks that just KNOW that seem to like to keep the negative going, it's never the positive, and like to stick the boot in where possible.

Funnily enough, not all people act the same. Psychology would be much easier if they were.

Show quote history

Noones saying they know this random stranger. What they are saying is that under the scenario given it is extremely likely that he has lied about his sick grandad and also probably lost interest in this connection after sex. The reason they are saying this? Because it is an extremely common scenario, almost identical to many many people’s experiences. It’s not really that hard to believe is it?

SOxon · 30/12/2023 20:58

Grandad! this has brought up a memory from long ago : a young man I was happily with for months, I had met his Mum, best friends, family, work colleagues, he would come pick me up from work, one day in a new sportscar, next Saturday he arrived at my flat early, looking v smart, new suit. He hurriedly ate dinner I had made us, said he had to go as his Gran was ill and asking for him.
We were in Wilmslow, Cheshire.
I said, but your (step) Gran lives in Carmarthen! he said yes I know so I have to go now, (out into the cold dark rainy night). I never saw nor heard from him again.
I wasn’t too bothered, didn’t pursue him, small towns are closely enmeshed, always someone wants to tell you (for your own good) who they’ve seen, who they were with etc etc, no need to snoop.

Women abhor lies. Hey nonny nonny, as the Bard described.

Carrotcake93 · 30/12/2023 21:36

This gonna end so badly. You can lie to yourself, but not to us🤣

Shiningout · 31/12/2023 07:38

I don't think you know what you want op. Does he know you aren't attracted to him?! I'd be really hurt if someone was having sex with me but wasn't that attracted to me. And then to be so intense with him about communication, it makes it seem like you're really into him.

TT6 · 31/12/2023 07:57

So you made it clear you didnt want a relationship with him but instead messaged him asking for sex as that would 'cheer you up'.
So why are you confused about how he is acting now?
He has other stuff going on and you arent in a relationship so dont expect him to be in contact every day.

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 31/12/2023 08:07

MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 16:31

I have contacted him directly and basically said how fucking dare you ghost me. In the tone we always talk to each other in, which is pretty direct.

He replied immediately and said he didn’t ghost me, he’s in hospital and he hasn’t been talking to anyone. And he’s sorry for being quiet. I apologised and said I’d thought it was a shit excuse. He said no, just a really shit time.

So we’re still friends, the tone of conversation between us is absolutely normal and I feel bad for having assumed the worst of him.

edited to add: obviously I have apologised to him

Edited

If he wasn't backing off already, he probably will now. This sounds really toxic on your side.

It's been one day and he says he is in hospital with his grandad. If I had that message from a man, I would think he is controlling and I would block him.

Nttttt · 31/12/2023 08:36

Hey OP,

I want to say I hope you come back and read this.

Firstly I do think you’re in the wrong and if it was my brother in the situation and we were at hospital with a family member I would tell him to run. It’s really unfair to get in contact/essentially accuse someone of lying when they tell you they’re going through a hard time. Imagine if when you told him about your horrible previous experiences he turned around and said it was a lie and an excuse just to friend-zone him? It’s not nice.

HOWEVER, this would’ve previously been me. I had a weird attachment style due to a horrendous time as a teenager and would’ve been going absolutely insane and would’ve thought the same (and lashed out with a “direct” message) hell I probably would’ve tried even calling him. I was mentally not in the right place to be dating anyone and I would do this with every person I would get close to. I thought I was coming across as the best person ever (I was love bombing people and using my sexuality to manipulate people.) I ended up under psychiatric care and doctors nearly diagnosed me with BPD but felt it would hinder my recovery to have a diagnosis they rarely give out. I went back on medication and also started therapy again. I’m currently in what my therapist seems as recovery and have a beautiful relationship and family now.

I’m not saying here that you are mentally unwell, what I am saying is that hurt people hurt people. Your actions were unfair and you don’t get a hall pass for that, but it’s done now. Your intuition may have been right and he might have been lying, but if not you were in the wrong and you know that now.

I don’t know you or your circumstances but I think healing may be the way forward, you weren’t previously looking for anyone and a relationship based on doubt and no attraction isn’t worth it. I hope you’re able to see your worth and meet someone you get along with, find very attractive and have no doubts in x

acpk55 · 31/12/2023 08:49

blackbeardsballsack · 30/12/2023 18:18

You don't get to use being 'fragile' as an excuse to be an arsehole to others.

I would tell this man to block you. You didn't want a relationship, you offered some no strings sex, and then kicked off at him for taking a few hours to reply to you.

You keep saying 'we're ok now' as if that solves everything, without any self reflection.

100% this, if I was in this guys shoes I would be blocking you and thanking the lucky stars for a lucky escape

DobbyRuth · 31/12/2023 08:53

The chase and pursuit is over now that you’ve had sex. There was no relationship prior to this, so it was just meaningless sex for the sake of it. He never saw you as someone to be with long term, as you’d said from the start that you’re not ready to be involved with someone after your very difficult year.

taylorswift1989 · 31/12/2023 09:59

Nttttt · 31/12/2023 08:36

Hey OP,

I want to say I hope you come back and read this.

Firstly I do think you’re in the wrong and if it was my brother in the situation and we were at hospital with a family member I would tell him to run. It’s really unfair to get in contact/essentially accuse someone of lying when they tell you they’re going through a hard time. Imagine if when you told him about your horrible previous experiences he turned around and said it was a lie and an excuse just to friend-zone him? It’s not nice.

HOWEVER, this would’ve previously been me. I had a weird attachment style due to a horrendous time as a teenager and would’ve been going absolutely insane and would’ve thought the same (and lashed out with a “direct” message) hell I probably would’ve tried even calling him. I was mentally not in the right place to be dating anyone and I would do this with every person I would get close to. I thought I was coming across as the best person ever (I was love bombing people and using my sexuality to manipulate people.) I ended up under psychiatric care and doctors nearly diagnosed me with BPD but felt it would hinder my recovery to have a diagnosis they rarely give out. I went back on medication and also started therapy again. I’m currently in what my therapist seems as recovery and have a beautiful relationship and family now.

I’m not saying here that you are mentally unwell, what I am saying is that hurt people hurt people. Your actions were unfair and you don’t get a hall pass for that, but it’s done now. Your intuition may have been right and he might have been lying, but if not you were in the wrong and you know that now.

I don’t know you or your circumstances but I think healing may be the way forward, you weren’t previously looking for anyone and a relationship based on doubt and no attraction isn’t worth it. I hope you’re able to see your worth and meet someone you get along with, find very attractive and have no doubts in x

I think this is a fair and compassionate message - hope you see it, OP.

Original poster
MushroomPizza · 03/01/2024 13:37

Update -

His grandad was in hospital although fortunately is going to recover.

We’ve been chatting as normal and are hanging out tonight. So he was telling the truth, he didn’t ghost me and as I’d thought, there are no hard feelings and we are very much still pals. Happy with this outcome.

OP posts:
taylorswift1989 · 03/01/2024 14:27

I'd say you're lucky he didn't ditch you, OP. I hope you've reflected on your behaviour and been honest with him about your intentions.

Howbizarre22 · 03/01/2024 16:21

MushroomPizza · 03/01/2024 13:37

Update -

His grandad was in hospital although fortunately is going to recover.

We’ve been chatting as normal and are hanging out tonight. So he was telling the truth, he didn’t ghost me and as I’d thought, there are no hard feelings and we are very much still pals. Happy with this outcome.

Re grandad -Proof? 😄🤷🏼‍♀️

Britpop123 · 03/01/2024 16:51

Howbizarre22 · 03/01/2024 16:21

Re grandad -Proof? 😄🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

You’d demand someone you’ve just started dating provide proof of a family illness to justify why they hadn’t been in touch as much as you expected them to? Wow

Forgotmylogindetails · 03/01/2024 16:55

I hope he doesn’t have a bunny.

Howbizarre22 · 03/01/2024 17:38

Britpop123 · 03/01/2024 16:51

You’d demand someone you’ve just started dating provide proof of a family illness to justify why they hadn’t been in touch as much as you expected them to? Wow

Show quote history

It was a joke. Hence the laughing face. Jees

Lili132 · 03/01/2024 18:07

MushroomPizza · 30/12/2023 18:32

I don’t really get what you want from me or from this?

I updated my thread with the outcome (me communicating with him directly about the issue and receiving clarification) earlier.

And I made it clear that as far as I’m concerned everything is ok between us. And that as far as I’m aware, he’s accepted my apology and we’re fine.

So I really don’t get why posters like yourself are demanding I somehow fall on my sword and self flagellate for everyone’s gratification. What more is there to say? What exactly is it that you want me to do?

Show quote history

She just wants to feel a little better about herself at your expense. That's all. Don't take it personally. Many people here use anonymous status in order to do that.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 04/01/2024 03:40

MushroomPizza · 03/01/2024 13:37

Update -

His grandad was in hospital although fortunately is going to recover.

We’ve been chatting as normal and are hanging out tonight. So he was telling the truth, he didn’t ghost me and as I’d thought, there are no hard feelings and we are very much still pals. Happy with this outcome.

Great news.