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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and mum don’t get on

99 replies

GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 08:43

We’ve been together 13 1/2 years. My DH is estranged from all his family except his mum who lives an hour away. They’re not close but get on ok. I find her hard work but we only see her every couple of months so just suck it up.

My family live hundreds of miles away but we’re extremely close. The problem is, DH and my mum have never got on. He thinks she meddles. I don’t disagree, but it doesn’t really bother me and I just ignore her if I don’t want the advice. DH grew up in an abusive household so seems to take every comment as a personal attack whereas I see it as a sign of caring.

Things came to a head last night when my mum made a comment to DH. We had a row because while I accept the comment was annoying, I don’t see why he can’t just let it go. During the argument it came up that I want to move closer to my family for support (we have a toddler and another baby on the way). He point blank refused and said it would unbalance the relationship, essentially saying at the moment neither of us has family support nearby so it’s fair. I think he’s worried if we were nearer my family then everyone would gang up on him. He’s said he would be open to it if it wasn’t for my mum so it feels like it’s totally out of my control.

DS adores his grandparents and I want him to grow up with them nearby like I did, but it’s become clear that’s never going to happen and I feel so sad.

OP posts:
Missingmybabysomuch · 30/12/2023 08:54

"I accept the comment was annoying, I don’t see why he can’t just let it go"

Without more context here it's difficult for anyone to know whether he is being unreasonable or not.

But honestly, if they don't get on to that extent then I do think moving nearer would be a terrible idea which is clearly going to end badly.

PieAndLattes · 30/12/2023 08:55

How does your mother feel about your DH?

HowAmYa · 30/12/2023 08:55

Not sure what to say but we see so many threads where it's the MIL that causes same issues and the DH does/says the same. And the advice is that its a DH problem, he should be more supportive etc etc.

So realistically I think you need to take a look at why you're not listening to your husband and not standing up for him.
Then you're asking him to move closer to the very people who treat him like shit, for childcare. Now, imagine how much of a change of dynamic that would provide, your husband would then also feel indebted to a person who is so horrible to him because she provides childcare.

In that many years, have you not once spoken to your mum about not making hurtful comments to your DH? Why do you accept her bad behaviour to him that you agree is horrible, but find his reaction unacceptable?

justalittlesnoel · 30/12/2023 08:56

Thing is, you admit your mum meddles - you have your own coping mechanism for this which is letting it go - fab for you. Obviously with your husband having an abusive past, that's not the same for him. She shouldn't be commenting on him! Why aren't you stopping her when she comments on him? Have his back, stand up for him.

I wouldn't move closer to someone who meddles in my life / upsets me, with an unsupportive partner.

Missingmybabysomuch · 30/12/2023 08:58

I agree with @HowAmYa

Your husband has told you how it makes him feel and yet you do nothing to support him or advocate for him. You continue to allow your mum to make him feel like shit then are surprised he doesn't want to be more involved with her?

The comment you made about his mum
" I find her hard work but we only see her every couple of months so just suck it up." Is quite probably exactly how he feels about yours.

Scrantonicity2 · 30/12/2023 09:01

I don’t see why he can’t just let it go.

Don't move then until you can at least understand what he's trying to tell you. She meddles and he finds what she says hurtful. Why would you actively want to increase this?

Pigeonqueen · 30/12/2023 09:05

What was the comment?

I had a very complex and difficult relationship with my Mum (died in 2019) and it was only when I met my dh that he opened my eyes to how manipulative and narcissistic she was. I kept excusing her behaviour all the time and now I can see how dreadful it was. Be careful you’re not doing the same.

I don’t blame your dh for not wanting to move closer to them if it’s obvious he wont be welcome.

bloodyeffinnora · 30/12/2023 09:07

he sounds jealous of your relationship with your mum

gotmychristmasmiracle · 30/12/2023 09:08

Unsure why you what childcare from these people, especially if your mum meddles etc. sounds like you would be setting yourself up for a lot of problems moving closer. Also I've found grandparents are not a reliable source of childcare, they want everything on their terms.

Original poster
GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 09:15

@PieAndLattes She finds him difficult but she’s never criticised him to me. Whenever we’ve had arguments and I’ve spoken to her she’s always encouraged me to work it out and said what an amazing dad he is.

OP posts:
Fs365 · 30/12/2023 09:17

HowAmYa · 30/12/2023 08:55

Not sure what to say but we see so many threads where it's the MIL that causes same issues and the DH does/says the same. And the advice is that its a DH problem, he should be more supportive etc etc.

So realistically I think you need to take a look at why you're not listening to your husband and not standing up for him.
Then you're asking him to move closer to the very people who treat him like shit, for childcare. Now, imagine how much of a change of dynamic that would provide, your husband would then also feel indebted to a person who is so horrible to him because she provides childcare.

In that many years, have you not once spoken to your mum about not making hurtful comments to your DH? Why do you accept her bad behaviour to him that you agree is horrible, but find his reaction unacceptable?

100% this, it sounds like you are seeing up your husband for a fall or make him out to be the bad guy

Original poster
GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 09:22

gotmychristmasmiracle · 30/12/2023 09:08

Unsure why you what childcare from these people, especially if your mum meddles etc. sounds like you would be setting yourself up for a lot of problems moving closer. Also I've found grandparents are not a reliable source of childcare, they want everything on their terms.

My mum and dad currently provide childcare 2 days a week despite living hundreds of miles away, so I’m 100% confident they’d be reliable.

OP posts:
HelplessSoul · 30/12/2023 09:24

"Things came to a head last night when my mum made a comment to DH."

What was the comment?

Original poster
GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 09:25

HowAmYa · 30/12/2023 08:55

Not sure what to say but we see so many threads where it's the MIL that causes same issues and the DH does/says the same. And the advice is that its a DH problem, he should be more supportive etc etc.

So realistically I think you need to take a look at why you're not listening to your husband and not standing up for him.
Then you're asking him to move closer to the very people who treat him like shit, for childcare. Now, imagine how much of a change of dynamic that would provide, your husband would then also feel indebted to a person who is so horrible to him because she provides childcare.

In that many years, have you not once spoken to your mum about not making hurtful comments to your DH? Why do you accept her bad behaviour to him that you agree is horrible, but find his reaction unacceptable?

The comments she make aren’t hurtful in themselves, he just always takes them that way. For example, she asked him to cough into a tissue and he took that as a criticism. I didn’t say her behaviour was horrible. She’s never criticised him, the issue is always that she gives advice and he takes it as a criticism.

OP posts:
Original poster
GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 09:26

HelplessSoul · 30/12/2023 09:24

"Things came to a head last night when my mum made a comment to DH."

What was the comment?

She asked him to cough more quietly because it was keeping my dad awake. I realise it’s annoying to be asked that when you have a cough (I have one too) but she did it very apologetically.

OP posts:
HelplessSoul · 30/12/2023 09:31

GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 09:26

She asked him to cough more quietly because it was keeping my dad awake. I realise it’s annoying to be asked that when you have a cough (I have one too) but she did it very apologetically.

Show quote history

Sorry, but coughing is not something thats easily controllable.

No one chooses to cough - sometimes its an involuntary reaction.

Doesnt matter how she asked him, she was unreasonable to ask - that would get my back up too. I'm with your DH.

Seems your mother has a knack for opening her mouth when its least needed.

Cough into a tissue, cough quieter....WTF does she think he is? A kid that needs to be told what to do??

No wonder your DH doesnt like her. Suspect that thats just the tip of the iceberg of your mothers vocal foibles. Perhaps you need to educate your mum to keep her own mouth shut first.

tilsmumsy · 30/12/2023 09:32

Asked him to cough more quietly? No wonder he's fed up with her comments.

And it's also pretty astonishing that your parents already provide childcare 2 days a week despite living hundred miles away. No wonder your dh is anxious about the thought of even more involvement. You are your own family unit now. Honestly in your position I would organise proper childcare that's separate from family. It must be really hard for your dh to have this level of weekly involvement from someone who so clearly isn't pleasant to him

TammyJones · 30/12/2023 09:39

tilsmumsy · 30/12/2023 09:32

Asked him to cough more quietly? No wonder he's fed up with her comments.

And it's also pretty astonishing that your parents already provide childcare 2 days a week despite living hundred miles away. No wonder your dh is anxious about the thought of even more involvement. You are your own family unit now. Honestly in your position I would organise proper childcare that's separate from family. It must be really hard for your dh to have this level of weekly involvement from someone who so clearly isn't pleasant to him

If my mil said that to me I'd feel criticised and mortified.
Dh would have my back and defend me (EVEN if he agreed with mil)
Honour your mother and father, but when you're married, you have to put your husband first.

TammyJones · 30/12/2023 09:40

Pressed too soon
Imagin if your dh wanted you to move nearer to his parents who treated you like a child and were critical of you.

AgathaX · 30/12/2023 09:45

This reply has been deleted

We are taking this down as its not in the spirit of the site.

Esmerelda2024 · 30/12/2023 09:46

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PaperDoIIs · 30/12/2023 09:55

It's really hard to decide on this one. It's possible that your mum is annoying and overbearing and hard to deal with (just like his mum, would you be so willing to let things go if you saw her every week and had to move closer to her?). It's also possible that either due to jealousy or other reasons your partner resents you having a close relationship with your family and their presence in your life.

SavBlancTonight · 30/12/2023 10:08

She told.him to cough more quietly?! Bloody he. That is totally unreasonable and extremely patronising. Does she also check he's washed his hands after using the bathroom and remind him.to wipe his shoes?!

Your mum might not mean to be a meddling ass but she's clearly used to being the matriarch and being allowed to treat grown adults like children in their own homes.

If my mum said something like that to dh I would tell her to stop.

Missingmybabysomuch · 30/12/2023 10:16

You need to decide. If you want to move closer and spend more time with her then you have to be more willing to defend your DH against her overbearing and frankly patronising comments. Asking a grown adult to cough more quietly is ridiculous and very infantilising. It also insinuates he is doing it in some way deliberately.
I'm sure there are plenty more comments where that came from too.

ArchetypalBusyMum · 30/12/2023 10:21

When you live a long way from people, visits tend to be infrequent and long.
If you moved nearer it could mean (if you set it up this way) that you see more of your family and he sees less!
You could visit little and often, without him!
You wouldn't be staying overnight.
You could engineer it so that you went to them more than they came to you.

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