Husband and mum don’t get on

[GetToHeaven]

We’ve been together 13 1/2 years. My DH is estranged from all his family except his mum who lives an hour away. They’re not close but get on ok. I find her hard work but we only see her every couple of months so just suck it up.

My family live hundreds of miles away but we’re extremely close. The problem is, DH and my mum have never got on. He thinks she meddles. I don’t disagree, but it doesn’t really bother me and I just ignore her if I don’t want the advice. DH grew up in an abusive household so seems to take every comment as a personal attack whereas I see it as a sign of caring.

Things came to a head last night when my mum made a comment to DH. We had a row because while I accept the comment was annoying, I don’t see why he can’t just let it go. During the argument it came up that I want to move closer to my family for support (we have a toddler and another baby on the way). He point blank refused and said it would unbalance the relationship, essentially saying at the moment neither of us has family support nearby so it’s fair. I think he’s worried if we were nearer my family then everyone would gang up on him. He’s said he would be open to it if it wasn’t for my mum so it feels like it’s totally out of my control.

DS adores his grandparents and I want him to grow up with them nearby like I did, but it’s become clear that’s never going to happen and I feel so sad.

You haven't said about how the childcare two days per week works. Are they staying over at your house to do two full back to back days at yours?

you think it’s fair enough he was unhappy about the coughing comment? So will your mum make effort to stop patronising and being rude to him? Is it just him she makes comments like that too or everyone in your family?

He shouldn’t have spoke about the move in an argument: however I think not wanting to move closer to people you already see twice a week and don’t like being with seems reasonable.

@Eekmystro he only sees them twice a week (if he does) because it saves them money on childcare. It's something he agreed to for valid reasons. It wasn't forced on him.

I‘m not saying it was forced on him. I’m saying the fact he likely has some contact with them weekly means that he knows he doesn’t like being close to them because of the comments. So why would he say yes to moving closer and seeing them more? Who would choose to move to be closer to people who make comments to you that you don’t like?

Husbands/boyfriends/partners/ come and go

Family is forever.

Go be near your family

@Eekmystro but deep down it's not the comments is it? It's his fear OP's mum will tell her to leave him and OP will listen. A fear based on absolutely nothing, as OP's mum never told her to leave him, never raised concerns about the relationship and in fact encouraged OP to apologise to him if needed.

Yes, that’s how it works.

I think the coughing comment could be reasonable, she didn’t ask him not to cough just to make it quieter. However it could be this drop which overflow the bucket. You can’t be judge of it, it’s very different for you, you are their child and it’s the only dynamic you know. You might change your view when your kids are older by the way, but atm you are too soft and forgiving on your mum’s meddling. It’s not pleasant for the other side. It feels like you are seeing as unreliable, incompetent and generally not good enough. The problem is that it might be actually true.

Are you the only child?

I’ve no idea what it is, I can only base on what op has said. Maybe he thinks his in-laws don’t like him
because they constantly make rude comments to him.

His insistence that his MIL is encouraging his partner to leave him, despite being old otherwise is weird.

However allowing and enabling someone to continue making rude comments to your partner is also weird.

Maybe both op and her partner are BU and both need to look at their own behaviour. Situation are often more complicated that one person is right and the other is wrong

It’s very intense. I would struggle to have my parents so often.

Everyone is getting hung up on the comments and the coughing but the facts are these:
You have a mother who, by your own admission, meddles
Your mother spends two days per week plus overnight stay at your home
Your DH does not get on with her and is an adult man
Although you already have your mother at your house two days per week, you think you need more support
Your DH does not want to move closer to your mother

Ultimately this thread is about how you want to move closer to your parents and your DH doesn't.
You are an adult OP, its time to stand on your own feet and stop involving your parents as much when you and DH are parents yourselves.

It would drive me insane to have my MIL this present in my daily life, and my partner wanting to move even CLOSER would be the final straw

If OP does most of the child rearing, then it's actually up to her how much support she needs and wants. He also doesn't seem so averse to their presence when it's about saving them money and OP's parents putting in all the effort and possibly travel spending.

Once the new baby arrives, we won’t have a spare room so my parents won’t be able to visit, never mind provide childcare. So I’ll go from having help with 1 child to none with 2.

I am wondering if you are enmeshed with your parents op. What you are describing here re them making a 600 miles round trip to do childcare two days a week is not a normal situation. It may have saved you money but the emotional cost is too high..

What happens to you if and when you say no to them or express a different opinion?. It appears too you do not like your husband’s reaction to your mother because you have feelings of fear, only and guilt towards her. You probably want them all to get along because you want a quiet life and cannot/will not deal with your mother. You appease and or otherwise suck it up from her . Your inertia when it comes to your parents hurts you as much as your husband and son.

I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat
and further- what will happen if your mother starts making comments to your children? Will they be expected to ignore them like everyone else. Fine when they are babies and toddlers but I know from experience family members like this do eventually do it to the children too when they get older.

I think you are maybe both BU
you can accept annoying comments but that doesn’t mean he should have to.
if he feels constantly criticised it’s not a surprise he worries your mum wants you to leave. However that may be fuelled also by his abusive childhood, it sounds like that impacts him hugely still.
he certainly needs therapy to work through some of that.
hes also happy enough to accept two days free childcare so I do think he has to let a certain amount go, if it’s genuinely mostly things like apologetic requests to be slightly quieter.
i think you’re either really minimising (maybe accidentally because you don’t realise, or it could be on purpose) your mums comments, and so in turn you’re minimising his feelings, or you’re not at all minimising your mums comments at all and there’s actually a much bigger issue here. The particularly odd parts to me are that he also hates your friends and wants to limit your access to support out of ‘fairness’ to him. This part does ring some alarm bells. As well as not really making sense because presumably he would see your parents less if you moved closer as they wouldn’t have to stay over.

Tell him it's Mumsnet not your mum telling you to leave him.

Comments like what? Cough quieter please? Yes, they'll be scarred for life.

@GetToHeaven can you give other examples of the comments your mum makes? This will help make the situation a bit clearer.

I think YABU and again totally agree with@HowAmYa imagine he wanted to take your family to his mothers and it was the other way around with you and his mother hating each other!

Nothing in OP's posts suggest that her mum hates her husband.

Yes, sorry, worded badly.

Paper dolls

you clearly did not read my post.

the other poster was agreeing to my comments re the OP potentially being enmeshed with her parents. Nothing to do with coughing.

Well op has only given one example and said that she doesn’t disagree that her mum “meddles”. So presumably it’s lots of similar comments.

I actually don’t think “cough quieter” is as neutral as people are making out. Coughing isn’t an intentional thing or something that can be easily controlled. It’s not like he was listening to loud music. If someone made comments like that to me a lot when I was In their home I’d fine it quite patronising. Yes it’s annoying when people have a cough, but it’s not something you can control. I can’t quite understand how loud a cough would have to be to wake someone sleeping either. Presumably the sleeping person is in another room.

Im not saying the kids will be “scarred for life”, I’m asking if they’ll be expected to put up with constant meddling comments. Comments on what they’re wearing maybe or on their home work, or will they be allowed to say they don’t want to see Nan so much because she upset them. My father is similar,
constant comments and mild negativity, my kids started commenting on it at about 5/6 yrs old. My son once said “I’m not showing grampy the film I made because he’ll just point out the things that aren’t good about it”

someone being low level negative or critical constantly can be quite wearing. It’s also actually hard to address because no individual thing they say is really massively out of order.

I think your husband sounds very insecure, he doesn't like your mother, he doesn't like your friends. he's putting up with your mother being in your life from afar only because it saves him money, what will happen when she is no longer needed for childcare.

he thinks you shouldn't move any closer to your mother as its not fair on him, yet he comes from an abusive mother? he sounds controlling.