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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and mum don’t get on

99 replies

GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 08:43

We’ve been together 13 1/2 years. My DH is estranged from all his family except his mum who lives an hour away. They’re not close but get on ok. I find her hard work but we only see her every couple of months so just suck it up.

My family live hundreds of miles away but we’re extremely close. The problem is, DH and my mum have never got on. He thinks she meddles. I don’t disagree, but it doesn’t really bother me and I just ignore her if I don’t want the advice. DH grew up in an abusive household so seems to take every comment as a personal attack whereas I see it as a sign of caring.

Things came to a head last night when my mum made a comment to DH. We had a row because while I accept the comment was annoying, I don’t see why he can’t just let it go. During the argument it came up that I want to move closer to my family for support (we have a toddler and another baby on the way). He point blank refused and said it would unbalance the relationship, essentially saying at the moment neither of us has family support nearby so it’s fair. I think he’s worried if we were nearer my family then everyone would gang up on him. He’s said he would be open to it if it wasn’t for my mum so it feels like it’s totally out of my control.

DS adores his grandparents and I want him to grow up with them nearby like I did, but it’s become clear that’s never going to happen and I feel so sad.

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 30/12/2023 12:36

If this was a woman coming on saying their mil meddles and makes comments to them we would all be saying the husband should be sticking up for his wife and putting his mum in her place.

by your own admission you say your mum meddles, so why aren’t you siding with your dh, why would you want to jeopardise your relationship by moving closer, why are you running to your mum when you and your dh argue?
You are at fault here too.

Olinguita · 30/12/2023 12:46

Eekmystro · 30/12/2023 12:22

Well op has only given one example and said that she doesn’t disagree that her mum “meddles”. So presumably it’s lots of similar comments.

I actually don’t think “cough quieter” is as neutral as people are making out. Coughing isn’t an intentional thing or something that can be easily controlled. It’s not like he was listening to loud music. If someone made comments like that to me a lot when I was In their home I’d fine it quite patronising. Yes it’s annoying when people have a cough, but it’s not something you can control. I can’t quite understand how loud a cough would have to be to wake someone sleeping either. Presumably the sleeping person is in another room.

Im not saying the kids will be “scarred for life”, I’m asking if they’ll be expected to put up with constant meddling comments. Comments on what they’re wearing maybe or on their home work, or will they be allowed to say they don’t want to see Nan so much because she upset them. My father is similar,
constant comments and mild negativity, my kids started commenting on it at about 5/6 yrs old. My son once said “I’m not showing grampy the film I made because he’ll just point out the things that aren’t good about it”

someone being low level negative or critical constantly can be quite wearing. It’s also actually hard to address because no individual thing they say is really massively out of order.

Show quote history

Some good points here. Constant low-level comments and corrections can be highly corrosive to relationships. But they are also really hard to call out. My MIL generally means well and says that I am a good mum, but she is constantly picking at me about small things. Individually they probably seem really trivial but it does mount up. I feel infantilized, controlled and like she has no interest in me as a person, I'm just someone who needs to be moulded and corrected. The coughing thing might sound like nothing but if it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour by your mum, I can totally see why your DH is upset and frustrated. My DH really struggles to see what my problem is as MILs behaviour is normal for him and he genuinely doesn't have any expectation of being treated like an adult by his mum.

I don't really have enough info to go on regarding your DHs behaviour regArding your friends, so I can't say whether or not he is controlling. but i can reflect back to you how damaging these seemingly innocuous comments and incidents of meddling behaviour can be over time.

ExtraOnions · 30/12/2023 13:21

People can cough more quietly .. so it sure why people have added such drama to the comment. I am sure we have all been victims of the “dressing gown of doom” with the theatrical coughing and sneezing.

PrueRamsay · 30/12/2023 13:52

I suspect most of us would HATE to have “meddling” PILS staying overnight in our homes every single week. I would go insane.

My advice is to stay where you are and see if DH can step up and be more supportive when second baby arrives.

Original poster
GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 16:34

Update: I spoke to my mum and she apologised to DH. He just shrugged it off, so nothing really resolved but I feel like I tried.

OP posts:
Original poster
GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 16:48

2chocolateoranges · 30/12/2023 12:36

If this was a woman coming on saying their mil meddles and makes comments to them we would all be saying the husband should be sticking up for his wife and putting his mum in her place.

by your own admission you say your mum meddles, so why aren’t you siding with your dh, why would you want to jeopardise your relationship by moving closer, why are you running to your mum when you and your dh argue?
You are at fault here too.

I don’t go running to my mum, but I’ve asked her advice after arguments a few times. I don’t think that’s unusual/unreasonable. I don’t have a lot of close friends where we live so I don’t have many people to speak to.

OP posts:
PaperDoIIs · 30/12/2023 16:57

GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 16:34

Update: I spoke to my mum and she apologised to DH. He just shrugged it off, so nothing really resolved but I feel like I tried.

That's because his paranoia about her won't end unless you cut contact .No matter how much your mum apologises,changes her behaviour or watches her words around him will reassure him that she won't say what he fears. The fact that she never did is not good enough.

GreatGateauxsby · 30/12/2023 17:00

Sorry but from your updates your DH sounds quite paranoid and honestly like he is 90% of the problem

Original poster
GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 17:03

PaperDoIIs · 30/12/2023 12:08

@GetToHeaven can you give other examples of the comments your mum makes? This will help make the situation a bit clearer.

Most of the comments are suggestions for how to do things “better” e.g. suggesting how to organise cupboards. It’s a bit annoying but she says herself to just ignore her if we don’t agree and that she’s not trying to run our lives. He says she’s the stereotypical interfering MIL.

OP posts:
Grimchmas · 30/12/2023 17:07

I think your mum is unreasonable and so is your H to be honest. They both could let things go easier.

Your H is being unreasonable to say that because his family can't be involved, yours can't so that it is fair. That's some messed up logic.

TheSuggestedAmendment · 30/12/2023 17:11

I’m Team Mum.

Your DH sounds difficult if he won’t get on with your friends. He also sounds controlling - preferring no childcare to loving care of your parents. Plus, I think he is trying to isolate you by arranging arguments like this.

I think you should move closer to them.

Eekmystro · 30/12/2023 17:31

GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 17:03

Most of the comments are suggestions for how to do things “better” e.g. suggesting how to organise cupboards. It’s a bit annoying but she says herself to just ignore her if we don’t agree and that she’s not trying to run our lives. He says she’s the stereotypical interfering MIL.

Show quote history

But the insinuation by offering this is that how you do it isn’t ok. It’s critical and negative. This is EXACTLY what my dad does. “Oh you should add sea salt not normal salt”, “what you want to do is make a w with the paint roller”, “why did you take the A23, the A25 is faster” even “your wasting wrapping paper, you should do it the other way”. It’s constant, it’s draining and makes me feel like shit. It’s one of a few reasons why I limit contact. The only thing that works with my dad is to walk off and ignore him or do the exact same back.

Like others I do think there are some red flags with your DH behaviour. Clearly he needs to leave you to have friendships etc. However I don’t think you are really recognising how toxic your mums comments are. Maybe your DH is extra sensitive if he grew up in a critical household, but on its own it’s not nice behaviour. How would your mum revive the same behaviour?

Eekmystro · 30/12/2023 17:32

Sorry to focus on the comments part of your situation op, but I just resonates so strongly we me. The other stuff is an issue too. You should be able to see friends etc.

Loulou599 · 30/12/2023 17:45

Your mother sounds like she could do with a hobby

Pumpkindoodles · 30/12/2023 17:46

GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 17:03

Most of the comments are suggestions for how to do things “better” e.g. suggesting how to organise cupboards. It’s a bit annoying but she says herself to just ignore her if we don’t agree and that she’s not trying to run our lives. He says she’s the stereotypical interfering MIL.

Show quote history

Oh my MIL does this. We stopped spending as much time with her because of it. In fact she barely sees us or our dc now because she couldn’t keep her mouth shut even when I asked very politely multiple times. I cannot stand it. Nothing I do is good enough she always knew a better way to do it. What on earth has given your mum the impression that she is the only person who knows how to do things correctly and everyone else needs to be and wants to be guided into doing it her, correct way? It’s so unbelievably rude. I wouldn’t dare walk into someone else’s home and tell them what theyre doing wrong. It’s relentless and draining. There are a few red flags around what you’ve said about dh but that doesn’t mean your mum is ok either. Again, just because you’re happy to be constantly criticised doesn’t mean he or your dc need to learn to accept it.

ginasevern · 30/12/2023 18:33

OP, it sounds like those apron strings have never been cut. You sound closer to your mum than your DH. Her comments are bad mannered and fucking annoying and I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg. No wonder he's pissed off. I think you've got to make a choice between your parental family or your new unit.

By the way, how on earth do they do childcare 2 days a week when they live hundreds of miles away. That sounds a bit full on.

PaperDoIIs · 30/12/2023 18:38

ginasevern · 30/12/2023 18:33

OP, it sounds like those apron strings have never been cut. You sound closer to your mum than your DH. Her comments are bad mannered and fucking annoying and I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg. No wonder he's pissed off. I think you've got to make a choice between your parental family or your new unit.

By the way, how on earth do they do childcare 2 days a week when they live hundreds of miles away. That sounds a bit full on.

Then I hope OP picks her family, not the man that doesn't like her family,doesn't like her friends, doesn't think it's fair she's close to her family when he isn't with his and is paranoid she'll leave him just because her mum will tell her to(which she never did).

Bestyearever2024 · 30/12/2023 18:47

Your partner doesn't like any of his family

Your partner doesn't like your friends

Your partner doesn't like your Mum

There's definitely a common denominator here

MrsKeats · 30/12/2023 18:56

Your mother stays with you two days a week!?
Your poor dh.

SoreAndTired1 · 30/12/2023 18:58

@GetToHeaven he is a paranoid conspiracy theorist who thinks everyone is out to get him. He has little to do with his family, doesn't get on with your mum (how is he with your dad?), doesn't like your friends, and doesn't want to socialise.

What draw you to such a miserable, hostile thing? And now you're pregnant with number 2 to him? Why? How far along are you in the pregnancy? Really, if he won't take an ultimatum to get marriage therapy, then he is a lost cause and I would walk. Yes, I would find your mum a bit overbearing (as the daughter of a woman with Asthma and Bronchiectasis, I know you CANNOT HELP how loud you cough. It's not possible. A cough comes out how it does, you can't 'cough softer'.), however your 'H' is negative, destructive/self-destructive, miserable and paranoid. And if I were you, he'd make me miserable too. Personally I could not stay with such a miserable, bitter, paranoid person like that. You must be miserable with him. Make 2024 a better year. Ditch him, and you and your children will be happier and much better off.

SoreAndTired1 · 30/12/2023 18:59

Bestyearever2024 · 30/12/2023 18:47

Your partner doesn't like any of his family

Your partner doesn't like your friends

Your partner doesn't like your Mum

There's definitely a common denominator here

Absolutely!

Original poster
GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 20:10

SoreAndTired1 · 30/12/2023 18:58

@GetToHeaven he is a paranoid conspiracy theorist who thinks everyone is out to get him. He has little to do with his family, doesn't get on with your mum (how is he with your dad?), doesn't like your friends, and doesn't want to socialise.

What draw you to such a miserable, hostile thing? And now you're pregnant with number 2 to him? Why? How far along are you in the pregnancy? Really, if he won't take an ultimatum to get marriage therapy, then he is a lost cause and I would walk. Yes, I would find your mum a bit overbearing (as the daughter of a woman with Asthma and Bronchiectasis, I know you CANNOT HELP how loud you cough. It's not possible. A cough comes out how it does, you can't 'cough softer'.), however your 'H' is negative, destructive/self-destructive, miserable and paranoid. And if I were you, he'd make me miserable too. Personally I could not stay with such a miserable, bitter, paranoid person like that. You must be miserable with him. Make 2024 a better year. Ditch him, and you and your children will be happier and much better off.

Edited

He gets on ok with my dad. To be honest, before Christmas things were fine and we were happy about the pregnancy (it’s recent). But staying with my parents over Christmas has just been a nightmare. Part of me thinks it’ll be better when we go home but I know there are underlying issues and I have no idea how to fix them. I don’t think I can on my own.

OP posts:
gotmychristmasmiracle · 30/12/2023 20:33

Just one thing to be careful off, don't ever side with your mum on something that effects his life. My partner did that and things have never been the same since both with his family and him, still don't think they triply understand how deeply they hurt me and disrespected me. So if you see any future with your husband I would listen and accept what he is saying, if you don't see a future than just do what your mum says.

Flyhigher · 31/12/2023 07:43

The fact that he doesn't get on with any of your friends is just awful.

He is isolating you. That's not good. Why can't your parents move to be near you.

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